What are my options as a Muslimah?
Assalam Alaikum
I am a 24 year old Muslim female who has done Engineering. I am currently having a job in a good company. Now I have been an emotionally cold hearted girl throughout my life - especially with males because I have observed very few guys are what we would call decent or of good character and the male population of the subcontinent is generally not what you would call very good husbands too (my own father was not unfortunately!). But there is this guy with me (same age) at my office who is a very decent and intelligent individual-exactly what you would call a gentleman. Meaning he treats females with respect, does not stare or ogle at them (what I admire best about him!), talks with them very nicely. He is morally a good person too I feel. Now he is not bearded or wears his trousers above his ankles but somehow his moral character and decency has made me like him, not in any wrong way. Now I don't want to date him (never done that) or flirt with him but whenever I think about the qualities I would like in my future spouse, I think he fits the bill. I have never felt this thing towards any other guy before this and I am not very open and frank with guys too, so these feelings amaze and scare me equally. Now to conclude, the thing is my parents have started looking for proposals and I am of marriageable age but so far I have yet to see a prospect as decent as the guy I mentioned above. I also have always wanted that if I get married, i would get married to a gentleman so that I may rightfully and willingly respect and love him as my husband and leader but currently I am in a fix!
I would like to ask what are my options in the light of Islam in this matter? Can I pray to God for help that he makes some way towards a halal relationship (marriage) with this guy? Please don't say why don't you send your guardians with your proposal- the country where I live, I will get labelled as a promiscuous woman for my life and the proposal would be ofcourse rejected because that is the culture here. Only guys' families can send proposals.
candyaurora
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Wallakumassalaam candyaurora,
You ask:
"Can I pray to God for help that he makes some way towards a halal relationship (marriage) with this guy?"
Of course! That sounds like a terrific idea!
May Allah bless you with everything your heart desires.
Nor
Ameen and thank you for your reply. Please pray for me. I asked because I thought there would be a sin in praying for such things.
Dear candyaurora,
You are very welcome...I will pray and make dua for you in about 5 days. Also, the Istikhara result and your desires, wants, and needs are not necessarily mutually exclusive. May Allah grant you in the most beautiful way.
Hugs,
Nor
Can you please explain how are they not mutually exclusive? Please pray for me as my parents are now forcing me to marry another guy and my heart is just not in it. They are saying the feelings of heart doesnt matter in a marriage everyone ultimately gets happy so I should accept the other proposal. I am so tensed I feel I will die if I have to put up with this further.
Hi candyaurora,
In the second part of the Istikhara dua, you ask Allah to facilitate your wish for you if it is best for you ("make it possible for you, make it easy for you, and then bless you in it") So until you've done the Istikhara, have a strong feeling one way or another, and come to realize your wish, you can't know that Allah doesn't consider your own wish best for you.
Can you please elaborate on how your parents are "forcing" you, or in what specific ways you feel they are "forcing" you?
Are you 100% sure that the brother is not married already?
What your parents are saying about everybody ultimately getting happy makes sense. We each take our own paths to get there, though, and it doesn't necessarily mean giving up the entirety of our own free will! We do the best we can with what he has given us in terms of decision-making ability, particular interests and likes, skills, and qualities, and He takes care of the rest! He didn't create us to do this all on our own Alhamdulillah!
Please, if you can remember, try to drink plenty of water in these upcoming days and weeks, and try to sit outside in some fresh air. Take a short walk to connect with and tune into YOU....you as a separate being apart from everyone else. You may gain some important information or insights.
I will pray and make dua for you. Also, I want to share an article with you that may help you, called "The Greatest Dua in the World" by Abu Ibrahim:
http://islamiclearningmaterials.com/greatest-dua/
May Allah relieve your stress and bless you with comfort and happiness.
Hugs,
Nor
Yes he is not married he is my coworker and in my group so I know atleast that about him.
They are forcing me emotionally, my mother keeps crying saying we will die and you will be left alone so accept the other proposal. The other guy has a different kind of place while growing up plus by his family's statements I get the feeling they are trying to up their status by marrying me. I feel and have told my parents that I would never be able to respect a man who marries me because of my job but they are saying that all girls should have a job and contribute financially in their homes nowadays.
To be honest I am afraid that if I perform Istikhara then I will be bound to follow God's decision (happened with a proposal before I felt satisfied but my dad didnt agree to my feelings so it git rejected!) an if my heart wont be in that my marriage will definitely be ruined and I would commit a grave sin too so I feel it is better to ask God for fulfilling my halal desires then try and put my iman in difficulty.
Sometimes I feel it is better to die then get married by force.
Hi candyaurora,
The immediate situation seems to be that your parents are considering proposals when you don't feel ready to accept any of them.
You also have some missing information, which is this coworker's regard for you, which could be clarified by Precious Star's advice to get a coworker to ask him for you. Do you have any reservations about this idea? From the information you have provided below, you can't really say that he has any intentions towards you. You probably would have to do something to initiate things because he may not have marriage on the mind at all! As Precious Star says, you can find out for sure and then be more at peace with the additional information.
Also, have you talked to your parents about this guy? Your parents seem to most concerned about getting you married, and if you are not ready to accept the other's proposal, they may consider your choice if he's interested. If in the environment and culture where you live, it's commonplace for the guy to send the proposal, then if he is at any point interested in you, he should send one.
None of this will probably be happening immediately, and you may be dealing with a high amount of stress at home in conflict with your parents in the meantime. Only you know what you can endure in that sense. If you have a decent job with which to make a living and don't want to accept the other proposals, I don't see a problem with being "alone" until you get more clarity on your coworker's regard for you one way or the other...we are never truly alone, as we have Allah.
As far as wanting to be genuine when doing the Istikhara, that is understandable. It's almost a test of faith, and Allah sometimes tests our faith in steps...not all at once. So if you are scared to leave things completely in Allah's hands, you could either remind yourself that they are in his hands anyways, or you can decide you are not ready for a "leap of faith" yet. Allah knows what is in your heart anyways and you needn't worry too much it.
Inshallah you will get some relief soon and things will be settled in the best way.
Hugs,
Nor
Thank you for your kind answers. I have a question though should I stop praying Salat ul Hajat asking for God to make a way out towards the person (since Precious Star mentioned heart's feelings can not be changed) or should I continue praying and wait for some time? This co fusion is killing me really.
Also if I perform Istikhara, then do I get to go by the feelings of my heart (or dreams) or just wait again for things to unfold by themselves?
Dear candyaurora,
You are very welcome.
Whatever his heart's feelings are, you are still in need of Allah's help, so it can't hurt to continue praying the Salat-ul-Hajat. Remember though, that it is an optional prayer, and prayers aren't meant to give us aneurysms! If you feel as though you can't or do not want to do this prayer anymore, give yourself a break from it.
Through the Salat-al-Istikhara, you ask Allah to lead you towards "whatever is good, wherever it may be, and make you content with it." Remember that you are asking The One who created you, who knows everything about you, to lead you through His Knowledge, to Empower you, and to Favor you! If you are experiencing the kind of confusion you describe, this prayer will bring you great relief, as you will be able to move forward knowing you did everything you possibly could with the help of the Greatest on your side!
You will not just be "waiting" for anything to unfold, really. You may be waiting for a particular thing, yes, but you will also be living. You won't have any other choice, as life continues regardless.
Are there any circumstances under which you think you would you regret turning down these other proposals? If not, then I would just do whatever you feel like doing.
Hugs,
Nor
Offer salatul hajat and ask Allah to guide you in this regard further. Do you have any common friends who can find out his and his family preferences, without you being involved at all? If you think you are comfortable, after a little while, maybe that friend can suggest your name and see his reaction.
May Allah grant you the finest life partner, Ameen.
Yes I do have but it will become quite awkward as he is in my group in my office. Yes I am offering Salat Hajat these days. Please tell me can we ask Allah for such things or do we have to kill our own desires and perform Istikhara everytime in such occasions?
I do not think that we have to kill our desires in our decisions as long as we are working towards something halal. Allah SWT does not keep us from our desires just to tease us, He is The Lord and He is All Knowing. So, the point is we may fancy a particular thing but it may not be good for us and hence we are not granted that thing.
The purpose of Istikhara is to consult Allah SWT in our affairs; the one Who is All Wise, All Knowing and if I may put it this way; has our best interests in sight as He loves us more than 70mothers. Surely, He will not keep away any goodness from us.
I suggest you do Istikhara for the proposal that has come to your home and if you still feel uneasy about it then decline it.
At the same time, as others have pointed out you need to find out your colleagues’ preference. Pray after Salatul Hajaat to show you a way to seek your colleagues’ opinion and pray for your heart and mind to accept the truth, whatever it may be. But, you must be proactive otherwise you will be left wondering and rejecting other proposals for a long time; while you chase a mirage.
CandyAurora,
It is a wonderful thing to pray for the things that your heart desires.
You should remember, though, that we all have free will and the ability to choose our own path in life. If this gentleman that you like does not like you, he does not like you. He may like someone else. If he DOES like you, then he will take steps to make his intentions known. You can pray, of course, but prayer does not control the hearts and minds of other people.
You can ask a co-worker to ask him if he is interested in you. Otherwise, you will always be left wondering. If the answer is no, then you can move on and try to find someone else. Please don't get obsessed or allow yourself to focus too much on this person.
Hope this helps.
I am not sure but I have a feeling that he likes me as a person atleast. He behaves very nicely with me, initiates conversations (never vulgar or inappropriate!), remembers and asks about little details (like my studies!) and compliments (appropriately) my work openly in front of other colleagues! If prayer doesnt control the hearts then how can I perform Istikhara for the other proposal which I dont like knowing my heart is not in that and I would be forced into marriage?
CandyAurora, you perform Istikhara in order to give yourself peace of mind that the outcome of your decision is a good one. Istikhara does not tell you what decision to make - you have to do that yourself, using the intellect and reasoning that God has blessed you with. When you pray the Istikhara prayer, you are essentially asking God for His blessings in the path that you choose.
If you don't want to accept the other proposal, then don't accept it. But know that at the current time, your colleague has not proposed to you. You should also know that just because he praises your work does not mean that he is interested in you personally. You should simply ask one of your mutual colleagues to find out if he is interested. Otherwise you will be guessing and perhaps misinterpreting his behaviour for something much more than it really is.