Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What do I do? I don’t know if I can live without him…

True Love

I met S. on Facebook when I was 14 and at the time he was 20. He lived in Bangladesh and I in America. Growing up, I too never wanted a relationship. I just wanted to do well in my studies and make my parents proud.

We started off chatting; the chats would sometimes last for 7-8 hours, maybe even longer. I was young, open so I didn't think it was a big deal talking to a stranger online especially because he was from the same city in BD as me. I didn't think he was good looking or anything, but looks were never a big deal for me. He was unlike any of the other guys that I had talked to before; he seemed very innocent and sensitive. After talking to him for about a year I became very attached to him. He seemed to be attached to me as well to the point that if either of us didn't message each other in a long time we'd both get really worried.

All of this was really starting to take its toll on me. Instead of focusing on my studies, all I could think about was him. All I wanted to do was talk to him. Eventually I decided that I was going to break it off delete him from my life, but at that point I was so attached that I wasn't even able to go two days without talking to him. Eventually after a year and a half he told me he loved me. From the start he was serious about getting married and being with me. It seemed as though from here on forth that was my ultimate goal in life, being with him and getting married. I believed every word he said too. He told me that he stuttered and that his mom was schizophrenic. Not a single thing changed any of my feelings. I was determined to be with him. He said that he never wanted to come to America and he was happy in Bangladesh. So we both decided that I would go live with him over there. Eventually my parents found out and made a big deal about the whole ordeal. I even lied to them about breaking up with him and continued talking to him. Maybe if I had listened to them then, I would not be this hurt now.

Eventually we both came to the decision that if we wanted to be together, he would have to come to America. His plan was to come here for his PhD. I told him that it would be a lot of hard work and whatnot, but he seemed determined. He even changed his career path for me, which although very flattering made me very nervous. Out of all honesty though, the entire career change decision was his. I told him that it seemed a bit too much what he was doing, but he insisted he was ok. He became very busy doing his MBA and that's when all of our big problems started. We would fight all the time before, but I never thought it was a big deal because things would always get back to normal and our love was always the same.

After he joined his MBA program, he started becoming friends with a few girls in his class. This made me really jealous and insecure. He used to always tell me that guys and girls can't be friends and I used to argue with him until I finally gave in. So it really hurt me that we was becoming so close to these girls and even hung out with them outside. On top of that, if I ever mentioned the name of a guy that went to my university he would get really jealous and act like he had a reason to be jealous and I didn't even though I wasn't even close to those guys like he was with the girls. This instigated as lot of arguments between us, but he always did reassure me. He still acted like he loved me. A few days ago out of nowhere he tells me that he made a mistake ever talking to me and told me that before his aunt died she told him not to talk to me and he didn't listen and that the decision ruined his entire life. Out of nowhere he just stopped talking to me. I feel like he's cheating on me with one of those girls but he won't even tell me if he is. I just want my closure.

Before he left he told me that because of me his life is hell. Because of me he had to change his career plan. Because of me he can't even spend money whenever he wants because he has to think of our future. I'm really starting to believe everything too. I feel like I'm some kind of curse or something.

This relationship has put me in a really big loss too! I used to be such a good student and during my second year of college this whole on-off thing between me and him really affected my grades. My parents pay so much money so that I can go to a good university and become something, but looking back I can honestly say that a lot of my academic downfalls were because of pressure caused by him. What hurts me the most though is that I never complained about any of that? I never blamed him, only myself and here he is blaming me for everything in his life. He had made the decision to change his career so that he could be closer to me. He had changed it for himself. Now he's saying that he changed it for me and he's making it seem like he doesn't want it for himself anymore but is obliged to do it for me.

On August 26th it would've been 5 years of us being together. I have a really big test mid-Sept and I can't even focus on that because of all this. All I want to do is talk to him and for him to love me again like he used too. I feel so embarrassed and so pathetic because I feel like I'm so much more emotionally attached than he is and he probably doesn't even care. I feel like he'll laugh at me if he knows what I'm going through. It's so pathetic. 1/3 of my life I don't even remember, the other 1/3 consisted of my childhood, and the last 1/3 consisted purely of him. How am I supposed to forget that 1/3 of my life? It's so much easier for him because he met me when he was older, but I met him at a very vulnerable age and my last few years have been completely comprised of him. How am I supposed to forget everything?

The saddest part is that a part of me is convinced that he'll be back. I don't want to spend my life waiting around like this. I feel so dead, like it's hard for me to breathe. I really need to study for this test but I just can’t focus anymore. Please, I need some kind of duwa or something to help me forget all of this and to help me focus on my studies. Please someone help me.


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4 Responses »

  1. Salam sister

    I know what your feeling because I am right now going trough the same thing. But to be honest with you, we can't do anything except keep moving forward, whatever's in the past stays in the past. I know I'm saying this like it easy to do. But my heart is broken too, and I feel like I am on hell. But this reality this is the life experience we asked for, the more your guy starts complaining about his regrets, and the decision he mad for you, just know that he isn't the right person. And Allah saved you from him, I mean can you imagine if you actually did marry him, your marriage will be sweet the first couple years but than hell, because he's not honest with you and his mind is not straight. He might come back to you and tell you how he regret leaving you or saying those hurtful things to you. But one day your love or feeling to him will be so numb that it wouldn't matter no more. Don't waste your time on him, heal your pain please your parents and serve Allah. Inchallah everything will alright. Good luck with your finals and honey he will regret that he left you. Be smart and stay strong. God bless

  2. Sister,

    If you want to find closure you need to cut ALL contact with this guy. Nothing...nada. No Facebook, no texting, no phone calls...nothing. Change your cell phone number so he in no way can contact you. Then...go study for your exam.

    Learn from the error of your ways and know that premarital relationships are not allowed in Islam. Use the holy month of Ramdan and seek Allah's forgiveness.


  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, you can and will live without him. It hurts, but it will heal and you will, inshaAllah, be ok in time. Turn to Allah for comfort and healing, and trust in His mercy.

    Honestly, this guy doesn't sound like he's treated you at all well. You can do much better than a guy who doesn't lower his gaze, who seems to be unable to take responsibility for his own actions, and who hasn't had the integrity to seek a halal relationship with you. When we look for a spouse, we need to consider their deen and their character as the most important things. This guy's actions don't reflect well on him. Yes, I'm sure he will have some good qualities too (nobody is all good or all bad, and we all have our nafs to deal with) - so remember the ones you liked and think about looking for similar qualities in your future husband. Also remember the unpleasant things, and look to avoid these in a future husband.

    I have concerns about the intentions of an adult male approaching and making private contact with a much younger girl. 14 years old is still legally a child in many countries, so he should have known not to get romantically or privately involved with you while you were under-age in your home country. I think 14 years old is the age of consent in Bangladesh, but it is still very worrying that a much older man thought it appropriate to have an internet relationship with a much younger girl.

    Hard as it is just now, concentrate on your studies and on rebuilding your faith. Education is important and empowering so don't let one guy get in the way of this. It's important as well to repent for the transgressions and to take steps to ensure they do not get repeated - so make sure you are making changes in your life to address this (eg. avoiding private chats with non-mahrams, ensuring you dress modestly, starting to learn more about Islam). And have faith in the mercy of Allah.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Dear sister Throw him out of your life .Because of him you were involved in many of haram activities .Please note that in Islam you can'T have boyfriends .This is the month of Ramzan so focus in fasting and prayers and come closure to Allah ...

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