Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What does Allah want me to do?

I was doing internship in an office. there was a man who gave training to me. he helped me a lot in work. we talked to each other on different topics. I don't know when and how i fell in love with him. now i have left that job. we don't talk to each other for 3 months. but i miss him a lot. there is no any moment when he is not on mind. i want to marry him. but i can't tell him about this because i feared that if he rejected me i will feel like i have lost my self-respect. i forced myself to not to think about him. but it's not in my control.  i try to forget him but he came into my dreams when i sleep, then how can it be possible to forget him. i am mentally upset. i prayed a lot that i forget him. but this prayer is not fulfilled. i also prayed a lot that we become mehram for each other. but did not get any answer from Allah. but i don't know what Allah wants. i don't know that Allah wants me to pray more on this or to kill my wish to have him. i don't know that i should wait for him or not. i want this situation to be cleared. i sometimes think that i should tell him about my situation. but i fear that i will loss my ego, self respect. self respect is very important for me. but my memories about him make me mad. what should i do now??

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24 Responses »

  1. Either forget about him or get someone to inform him. What do you have to lose anyway? You don't see him anymore anyways so who care. Let me just remind you having an ego , wont help you with anything instead it gets in your way.

    • I agree with this advice.

      I was in your position before- like 110%.
      When I read your post, it was like someone had enetered my heart and thrown my feelings out into words perfectly.

      I can honestly say- I know how you're feeling.
      You become so obsessed with that person that every aspect of your life is about them. You replay the memories in your mind countless times.
      So obsessed- that they come in your dreams! That is how much they're in your psyche.

      Firstly, I would advise taking a step back and busying yourself with other things that will take your mind off of this person.
      Focus your energy elsewhere. This is what I did and I realised that I didn't have time and energy to waste on thinking about him.

      Do dua also. Always, always, always. Dua that whatever is best for him, happens. And whatever is best for you, also happens. We often underestimate the power of dua!

      Tell your parents/wali that you're ready for marriage so they can help you find someone. Someone else you can halalify and direct your emotions to.
      ...
      Another option - inform him.
      And like the brother mentioned above, tell someone about him so they can help you.

      My situation was very hard and impossible for me morally- because he was married and had children. But your man is single! So there is a chance.

      I wish you all the best.

      Your sis in Islam
      X

      • How old are you ?

        And did you end up getting married in the end?

        • Selam,

          Errm....I am in my 20's. (Future tip- Never ask a lady her age...)

          And I'm in the process of finding my other half at the moment- I have just recently started actively looking for him...so not married at the moment.

          • Just at the age of 20 ,you had relationship ,breakup and then so much of maturity in your writings .
            I feel that I was not that matured and I have not done any thing when I was young 20 plus 🙂

          • Aww, thank you.

            But no, I'm not 20, I'm in my mid-20's.
            So this event happened when I was like 22/23.

            I did not have a relationship as such, and not had one til today elhamdulilah.
            I did have an interest in him, I had the love in my heart, which only Allah and I knew about - no other third being.
            It was tough. Because he made advances to me and made it clear to me that he wanted something. But I had to make it clear that it was a big 'no' from me. which was extremely hard because I really did want it and it was tearing me from inside. I saw him everyday, we both worked as legal advisors in the same firm so we were bumping into each all the time. And on top of that, I tutored his son in Qur'an - so I was seeing him a lot!
            Like I advised the sister above, if he was single I would have spoke to my parents about it, and told them to take it forward rather than starting a relationship. But unfortunately, he was married and had kids!

            It was a battle between my nafs and taqwa.
            Elhamdulilah, the victory was taqwa's.

            And my advice, like I've mentioned to the sister above and on other posts to other sisters - is pretty much that don't be a home-wrecker.
            I couldn't be a a home-wrecker, the 'other woman', the reason to steal someone else's sleep at night. The reason to come between a husband and wife.
            I would not want someone to do that to me, why would I put someone else through it?

            What is yours is yours. Whatever or whoever Allah wills for you, is yours. It's written, it is inevitable. Just wait. Fa Sabur Jameelun. There's no need to rush these things. Allah is the Best of Planners.

          • Ruby ,

            I think main problem comes when we cross little extra in professional life .
            Like as you say you tutored his son and this could have lead to more involvement which could had been avoided .

            Just a thought .

          • Bro/Sis Virtual,

            I agree with you 100%.

            It could have been avoided before matters escalated further. But sometimes, even when you feel like you are doing a good deed, evil can find a way in.
            But I agree with you, should have been kept professional and that's it.

            After that, I tried to keep my distance.

            - Changed my lunch break timings so out paths wouldn't cross.
            - Started praying in my office rather than the prayer room where we would bump into each other
            - Requested to be moved to another floor.
            - Stopped the tuition and found him another tutor.

          • Ruby ,

            This is Bro here .
            You did a very good job .Masha Allah .

            I think others in this forum who have similar quires like "How to avoid him at work place for so and so reason " can follow your methods .

            I remember below post by one sister who unfortunately fell in to the trap .

            https://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/i-destroyed-my-life-for-the-man-i-loved/

            I think this sister too can follow your steps to come out of it .

            All the best .

          • Oh dear. May Allah make things easy for her.

            There's this saying which I once read, which I repeat to myself everyday and it's embedded in my mind now:

            'A fool learns from his mistake, a wise person learns from the mistake of others.'

            This quote can be seen as controversial and raising so much debate, but I am only taking the quote at face value.
            It's quite helpful as it is constantly reassuring us to learn from others and their lives.

          • Ruby
            Which country you have these prayer halls at offices for salaah?

          • Whatever fling that you had with this man I find it to be very sick. He used his son to get closer to you. Just unbelievable. Hope his wife founds out sooner or later about this devious man .

          • @ Anon.

            It is the UK.

  2. Assalamu Alaikum everyone,

    PLEASE ANSWER!!

    I had a question regarding black magic. It might sound silly so pardon my 15 year old curious mind. Well, we all know how people do black magic on others to either make them fall in love with them or maybe for marriage, wealth, jealousy etc. Like there's always some purpose with which people who perform witchcraft go ahead with the act.

    My question is, like you know how famous people have so many fans dying for them, like die hard fans literally giving their all. I was wondering if it was possible for people to perform black magic on some celebrity to make them notice fans? Like has anyone ever done anything like that or is it possible? Really shitty question, I know, but I'm so curious. Not like I'm gonna go ahead with the act or something.

    Like imagine you're this crazy korean pop fan living in Dubai, and there are these boy bands like BTS and all living in Korea. Would someone from some place far in the middle east be able to perform black magic on those boys to maybe notice fans on twitter or come to their country and stuff?

    Thank you so much!

    • Jimin ,

      Drop all these haraam thoughts .All types of magic is haraam in all circumstances .

      Foccus on Ramadan and pray .

      Dont waste your time in all these topics .

  3. Assalam O Alaikum sis ❤
    I don't really recommend telling that guy about your feelings for him, that would be completely wrong!
    I think if he wanted you the way you want him then he would've probably 'showed' that or talked about it to you. If he was training you he may even have your address. So umm it may either be that he's not interested or that he's taken. Sis have you been fasting? I'm sorry for the question, don't even answer it, but I'm just a bit amazed. Fasting is like the easiesttt solution to forget people who make you question your nafs and your dedication to Islam. Warning: Overused dialogue coming.........FASTING EVEN MAKES ME FORGET MY OWN NAME.
    Pleaseee girl don't stop making duas this month, engage yourself in more worship, make sure you know the words you're saying, recite more Qur'an, learn it's tafsir, perform dhikr EVERY moment of the day and do contemplate on Allah's Creation and His Perfection every time you see the sun, the stars, the moon and such. Take full advantage of the dua before iftar. I kinda want you to forget him but seems like its not easy for you, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala might be testing you ❤ Allah wouldn't want you to be in a haram relationship with him, don't try to find him online, avert your gaze from him if you happen to find him in the grocery store and whenever you see him in a dream turn to the left, imitate the act of spitting three times to the left and seek refuge in Allah....its surely a bad dream.
    Ask yourself what YOU want, are you so frustrated of having him occupy your thoughts for so long that you want to forget him or does he seem to fit your standards of your other half? I mean WHO KNOWS HE MIGHT BE MARRIED WITH 3 WIVES AND 6 CHILDREN. Anyways, I think you should make a dua like this in your own language: 'O Allah, if he's fit for me please let us be married and if you have planned someone better for me please help me forget him and protect me from falling into haram acts.'
    For instant reply please perform tahajjud. Now all you have to do is be patient, OMG also ask Allah to give you patience, its literally the best thing to ask for in this life. Oh, and as I was saying, be patient and do your own thing and try to make the best out of this ramadan so that you earn Allah's forgiveness in the end because our prophet (saw) has cursed the one who doesn't earn Allah's forgiveness EVEN AFTER RAMADAN. Don't fret if you don't get the guy in the end because Allah has said in surah baqarah, verse 216: “And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” so Allah knows best ❤ I will keep you in my prayers. Assalam O Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraqatuh.

  4. Ruby: I did not have a relationship as such, and not had one til today elhamdulilah. I did have an interest in him, I had the love in my heart, which only Allah and I knew about - no other third being. It was tough. Because he made advances to me and made it clear to me that he wanted something. But I had to make it clear that it was a big 'no' from me. which was extremely hard because I really did want it and it was tearing me from inside.

    I have a feeling, the MAN you loved knew you have feeling about him. He made advances making it clear he "wanted something". Making you teach his son was a part of the plan to get closer to you. Did he hang around when you were teaching his son. What finally made you to take some action to avoid him?

    • Well, I hope he didn't! I didn't flirt with him or show that I had a interest. I tried my best to keep it professional and work-related. But Allahu 'Alam, perhaps he figured out. Lawyers are good with their instincts!

      I actually was teaching his son before I started at the work place.
      So I kind of briefly met him when he used to collect and drop off his son at the centre.
      Then at the workplace, is where we got to know each other a little more.

      No, he did not hang around when I tutored his son. It was not possible.
      ..

      He made small advances and comments from which I could tell that he was trying to form some sort of relationship and it was getting unprofessional. I sort of brushed it off and didn't ponder too much about it.
      Then he directly asked me about marriage and my "future plans" and what type of person I wanted to marry. I didn't appreciate him trying to be personal with me, but I answered him bluntly.
      then he asked me even more personal questions and he was saying things a spouse would say to a spouse.
      So that was the main thing that made me take action to do whatever I could to avoid him.
      I didn't want to become someone I hated. I didn't want to get those very qualities that is disliked but Allah. I was not going to compromise or sacrifice my morals, my manners and my parents upbringing for my desire/nafs.

      I really wanted it, like really wanted it- 100%, I hate to admit. But not in a Haram way.

      Plus, his wife and children. I thought how she would feel if she found out. The hurt, the pain, the betrayal. I didn't want to be responsible for breaking her heart, even if her husband didn't care. So that was another motivation in avoiding him.

      But I do dua to Allah that Allah unites me someone like him or better.

      I hope that answers your question, SVS.

      • May Allah accept your sacrifices ameen sister ruby

      • Assalamu Alaikum Sister ruby,

        Well first of all, I really appreciate your sacrifices and your fight against your nafs to overcome this desire of yours. I'm sure your parents would be very proud of you if they came to know how successful their upbringing has turned out. So hats off to you sister.

        But I had a teeny tiny doubt. First of all, you said the man makes you feel closer to Allah (in some other post I think) you're inspired by how much he is into Islam. But have you ever thought about this lowly characteristic of his? He desired you too KNOWING that he was married and had a kid at hand. Isn't that wrong? I'm sure he didn't even discuss about you to his wife. How could you possibly want him too? There is no guarantee that he won't fall for another woman in his workplace or whatever even if he's married to you. I'm just saying that a man falling for another woman and desiring "something" despite being married and a father doesn't seem like a good man to me.

        In Sha Allah, the Lord above will grant you someone better than him. You're more considerate of the man's family than the man himself smh. I wish you all the best sister, and I hope your Ramadan is filled with good deeds and blessings from above 🙂

        Take care
        -VainTheGirl

        • Selam @ Sis VaintheGirl,

          Thank you for such a sweet words. and Ameen to your duas. Truly means a lot, even if it's from a stranger.

          I'm going to try my best to answer your questions and keep this nice, short and relevant- as I don't want to make this post about me. But I really really hope my post helps out the original poster - because I believe we were in the same boat.and like I said in a earlier reply, it seems like I had wrote this post x number of years ago- when I was in the situation and lost.

          Well, I haven't really discussed this...event, if you will... with anyone, and I can't believe I'm discussing it on this platform with complete strangers. But anyways to your questions...

          - No- I never actually found him bringing me closer me to the deen.
          but I did without doubt admire and love his devotion to his deen and his practising nature.

          - I did realise what his promiscuous behaviour and behind-wife's back nature was..sleazy.
          - I am not sure whether his wife knew, I don't think she did. If Allah wills, He will disclose it to her. But the man is constantly in my duas and I do wish him the best with this life and the next.

          I don't really want to highlight his flaws or negatives as everyone is having their own battle with their nafs. Some are strong and can defeat it. But some are weak and give in. Do you not think it's better to perform dua for the weak ones rather than highlight and amplify their sins?

          Yes, my judgement was clouded and I did think he was a good man. When you're stupidly in love, you don't see their bad qualities or negatives and all you see is goodness and positivity.
          In respect to your question - it was definitely a lowly thing to do. It is symbolic of ...not good character. I hate to make these assumptions and labels because we are all sinners and the best and selfless thing we can do is do dua for one another.

          Thank you so much for your kind heartfelt duas. I hope and believe that Allah will Bless me with someone who is a million times better than me and can be guidance and noor for me.
          And please keep me in your duas.

          • If your spouse is million times better than you then from his side he feel bad to have a wife million times lesser than him . Better to have with similar qualities .Just a thought .

          • Ruby: It was tough. Because he made advances to me and made it clear to me that he wanted something. But I had to make it clear that it was a big 'no' from me. which was extremely hard because I really did want it and it was tearing me from inside

            SVS: What exactly did you really want from him? I think your eyes kept saying "I like you a lot" and when he made his move you said no. This guy is sleezy "you still wanted him deep down in your heart.

            Ruby: I did realise what his promiscuous behaviour and behind-wife's back nature was..sleazy.
            - I am not sure whether his wife knew, I don't think she did. If Allah wills, He will disclose it to her. But the man is constantly in my duas and I do wish him the best with this life and the next.

            SVS: How telling his wife that he is a flirt and looking for other women going to help her?

            He is constantly in your duas because you still like this sleezy dude.

          • Thank you, Anon- I didn't consider that. I didn't think of it like that.
            I will keep it in mind, inshaAllah.

            SVS- no, not necessarily.

            You don't need to like someone to do dua for them. Dua is a selfless act.
            For example, someone may hurt you and cause you a lot of pain and suffering. Consequently, you will start to dislike them. You may still perform dua that Allah guides them and betters them. This is to love people for the sake of Allah. Loving purely for the sake of Allah.

            And did I love him then? Yes, I hate to confess.
            Now? No. My heart has completely turned.

            Perhaps I could have told his wife what he was upto. But I'm not and wasn't strong enough to do that.
            I couldn't do that. And probably wouldn't do that if the same thing happened today, God forbid.

            ....
            Anyways, let's close my chapter now. I appreciate all your feedback and different perspectives of looking at my situation which I didn't actually consider. But I feel we may be steering away from the actual post now.

            I only wanted to share my story so as to benefit the sister in the problem. And to let her know that run to allah with your problems and they'll be sorted in a blink!

            Your sis in Islam
            X

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