What if my prospective bride is not beautiful?
Dear brothers and sisters, please advice me to choose my partner!!!
What decision should I make if all islamic/sharia criterions complied with my proposal except for the bride's beauty?
- Dr. Q.
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Dear Brother, Asalaamualaykum,
If all the 'Islamic criterions' fitted, but you were not attracted to the individual at all, this would become quite an issue after marriage, don't you think? Its better to be honest with yourself rather than have problems later. If you feel repulsed or dislike the apperance, then I do not believe it is wise to marry this woman. There needs to be some attraction or some sort of spark for you to feel happy marrying someone. So perform istikhara Salaah and ask Allah to put love and attraction in your heart for this woman if she is good for you in this life and the next otherwise to replace her with someone better.
Also, since I believe that 'Beauty' is in the eye of the beholder and that it is not at all something that is reliant solely upon the person's external appearance, hence not skin deep - I would advise you to meet this woman a few times in (chaperoned), speak to her and see if you feel differently. The Prophet(sws) also advised this as how can one feel attracted to someone without seeing and speaking to them. If you develop a good rapport and connection with one another, maybe you will feel attracted then? If you still feel negative, then be true to yourself and do not marry her. Insha'Allah you will find someone you are mutually attracted to and she will someone who finds her attractive too.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
All true. As you said, there has to be a spark. I just want to add, it doesn't have to be a bonfire. We should not expect Hollywood style love at first sight with swooning and stars in our eyes. Hollywood and Bollywood have corrupted our expectations and imaginations.
If a spark is there, then it can ignite and grow as the married couple build their love, mutual respect, kindness and intimacy.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ditto, lol. The spark I am referring to is a mutual one based on 'intellectual, spiritual and mental connection'. That spark only comes when there is bit of balanced attraction in every area. If the inner attraction is there, the jigsaw falls into place and the eye sees more beauty in the external appearance too.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Lol, reading that back, I'm wondering if anyone will make sense of that but moi, haha.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
I get it Sister. It's the reason why all my friends thought the guys I loved were icky when I thought the were the most gorgeous thing I ever saw.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As you said, there has to be a spark. I just want to add, it doesn't have to be a bonfire
that was perfect, made sense and made me laugh.
Of course, not a bonfire. Just a little teeny weeny match stick.
Remember, we would want the spark to eventually become a bonfire - as long as the fireworks come after nikah, haha.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
lol
Dr. Q, as-salamu alakum,
One the one hand, physical attraction is important in a marriage. It's one of the factors that leads to love and intimacy.
On the other hand, many people have unrealistic expectations and demands. Men want their brides to look like models and movie stars. Such expectations are damaging to relationships. Most human beings are not extremely handsome or extremely beautiful. Ordinary people have flaws, a few extra pounds here and there, a little bit of acne, stretch marks, etc.
Also, beauty is not supposed to be our top priority. We are told by the Messenger of Allah (sws) to get the spouse with taqwa.
So my answer is, if your propsective bride is even moderately attractive to you, that should be good enough. She doesn't have to be beautiful. If the seed of attraction is there then it will grow as the love grows, and one day you will find that she is the only woman in your eyes, the only woman you dream about and desire.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
the key is to have some sort of attraction, in other words if the bride is 'allright' then you have that basic attraction and can develop more love and liking as time goes on, yet if their is no attraction at all then you are harming yourself and your wife by marrying her and not showing appreciation for her beauty.
salamualaikum brother,
If I was in your place, I would look for a lady who is righteous and Pleased with her Lord and His Messenger, and is also beautiful. This is my aspiration which is halal. And insha Allah, there is nothing stopping you from looking you from choosing a beautiful wife, as long as she is righteous and will help you in earning Allah's Pleasure until we all meet our Lord.
This was my choice, but what you intend is totally upon you. There may be some people who'd choose a girl, just for her religiousness. I know some such people.
So the answer is in itself a question 'what is your requirement?' if you want your lady to be beautiful, too, then you got your answer; even otherwise, you have the answer.
If not clear, you may ask.
And yes, do not forget the Istikhaarah, because, we can make no decision, without the Help of Allah. And only He knows what is good for us in this life, for our deen and dunyaa, and for our Aakhirah.
May Allah find you the perfect match
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem Saifulla
It's very shallow for men/women to want someone who is simply "beautiful". Half of the men who want "beautiful" wives look ugly themselves.
I have no issues and I think I speak for everyone when I say this, there are no problem in not marrying someone you are not attracted to, that's normal. Wael mentions film stars, but I don't find many of them to be attractive anyway, my wife is 100 times more beautiful.
The problem is when people starting using terms like he/she is not pretty/beautiful. If you are not attracted to her, then marry someone who you are attracted to and often people who go for physical appearance above other matters, they end up quite lonely even after the wedding.
"Half of the men who want "beautiful" wives look ugly themselves."
That reminds me of a joke. "I spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman. Unfortunately, when I found her she was looking for the perfect man."
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Well, some sisters looks really pretty with hijab on and some don't. And some sisters looks good without hijab and some don't. You just need to find that 'spark' element and please don't place your judgement on sister's pic\photo... All the best....
Peace be to you.
Brother, beauty in the laguage of the sharî'ah means a woman who does not have any physical difficiencies, not what you see on tv adverts.
A woman who does not have any physical difficiency, like a disfigured face, crooked nose, disproportional eyes etc is considered to be beautifull.
And besides, it's not recommended to look for a woman who is extremely beutifull, to the extent that you will want to do nothing but stay with her all day long.
Because Sahâbî al-jalîl Abû Bakr As-Siddîq asked his son 'Abd al-Rahmân son to divorce his wife, 'Âtikah bint 'Amr who was one of the most beautiful women of Quraysh. She married 'Abd al-Rahmân ibn ,Abû Bakr who was extremely fearful of Allâh, dutifull to his parents but was very much in love with 'Âtikah. One day his father passed by and visited himhe saw how 'Abd al-Rahmân was distracted by 'Âtikah, he advised him to divorce her, as his son was overwhelmed by her beauty. 'Abd al-Rahmân told his father that he can't possibly bring himself to do it. His father said, "I command you to do so!" Since 'Abd al-Rahmân did not have it in him disobey his father, especially when his father [ra] was the greatest of all of mankind after the prophets, he divorced his wife. However, after the divorce, he became extremely unhappy and even stopped eating and drinking like he used to, 'Abd al-Rahmân got what he wanted in the end.
So we should remain in the middle path of everything, if you are not attracted to the woman, wallâhi you may have big problems some years down the line.
So if you don't think she will suffice you, then by all means don't marry her, at the same time, if you find a woman who is excessively beautifull, don't marry her either.
Wat did he want in the end?
He became depressed when asked to divorce 'Âtikah and stoped eating and drinking except minimal, so when Abû Bakr saw the state of sadness his son was in, he allowed him to take her back before her final period.
So they stayed together untill 'Abd al-Rahmân died, was martyred, then 'Umar Ibn al-Khattâb married her, and after 'Umar got martyred, Az-Zubayr Ibn al-'Awwâm married her.
May All be pleased with them all.
As for the other comment sister, i don't get it at all.
Well then read it over and over ..... Beauty shunt be the reason for marriage but piouty shud b but if she is beautiful and pious why not marry her ? I mean deadly gorgeous beautiful .... By the way if u think anything is extremely beautiful here then u still have to c jannah ....
Abu the story u just gave is just weired I read somewhere that wu evr comes between husband and wife there is big sin on them I will post the hadith later .... U dont need to divorce ur wife coz of beauty she Is halaal for u ..,, u simply help each other in deen weather u like it or not Allah is the one who place love and mercy between the two he says that in the quraan ...,, the prophet loved Khadijah so much he cudnt love anada dat way ....so I feel Allah is the one who tests us ppl shunt test us neither shud we test ourselves by divorcing wives or leaving our kids behind just coz we love them alot rather we shud make alot dua that Allah keeps us steadfast in our mission above all the are many loves and the greatest is Allahs love
if u dont feel the bride is beautiful then pls dont marry her .
the whole society of ordinary women suffers because of this attitude of men:(may Allah help all of us to attain jannah...Ameen.
salams
and i really agree with brother johs comments.even the most ugliest man wants the prettiest wife
Salaams,
I just want to point out the fact that, someone beautiful in their youth may not remain beautiful as they age. Some people age well, some do not. There's no way to know when you marry someone who is young and beautiful if they will remain so in 20 or more years. They may gain a lot of weight, they may lose skin tone and elasticity and become saggy everywhere. The wrinkles they get may change the complete look of their face into one much less attractive. They could become sick with certain diseases which have effects on their body and beauty. Or, tragedy could strike and disfigure them.
So even if someone marries another who pleases their eye at the time, they have to be prepared for the fact that their spouse may become less attractive with time and age and be willing to accept that and love them for more than that.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
is istakhara affected by personal desire.i mean to say if i wish to see istakhara according to my desire.
i dont think this brothers behaviour is weired i think its the best that he asked for advise and didnt just marry and later start complaining about looks....marriage is no game its a life partner he has the right to choose who he wants to spend his life with be it beauty or beauty and piouty.....not only men...even some ugly women wants handsome men she will even settle to be a second wife just coz the guy has money and is hot....ppl are different,,,,,being ugly is a test itself ....we r ourselves our souls that is who we r our bodies is only used in this life to test us
I agree .