Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What should I do?

Interactions between the engaged couple

Asalamualikum warahmatulahi wabaraqat hu,

I am a Muslim girl, I was having an affair with a rich Muslim boy for almost 4 years actually I was not completely mature that time I was deeply in love with him and I never thought he is my boyfriend I accept him as husband. He was also telling me I am his wife but that was not from his heart, at that time I was offering prayers not 5 times but I use to offer namaz. I also taught him he started offering fajar namaz and he started and never left fajar namaz. He was having a bad habit of flirting with other girls and using bad language. As using bad language was not an issue but he will leave me for other girls was an issue, I always told him not to do so but he didn't care.

One day I realised he will not marry me as he was just taking advantage of me. It was confirmed when I told him a lie that my parents fixed my marriage - he answered me "it is not a big deal go and marry". After knowing I was lying he told me he was joking. I thought I am suspicious of him I should love him more so that he will understand my love. I used to save money for him and give him surprises. In short I loved him more than myself.

One day I came to know he is proposing a girl from 1 year and his still after her. After knowing I tried to commit suicide. He told me he will not do it now. I again trusted him but later I caught him massaging her after few months. I again tried to commit suicide he again make me fool and we patch up. After few days I caught his another Facebook I'd which makes for approaching her. When I asked he told me that is not his account then few days later told that was his account. He was not picking my phone. I tried to commit suicide for 3rd time then he tell me I need to consult psychiatrist, I am mad etc.

I was sure he will leave me maybe he was true that I am mad and not good for him after few years. He was knowing that I have will love only one person more then him that will be my baby insha Allah. He also talk bad about baby.

I decided to leave him but it was tough. Finally I left him. As I was feeling stressed I came in another relationship. That guy is very nice and good, he promised me of marrage and I know he will marry me because he told his family and I am sure he will marry me. I know starting another relationship was not good but I was very unhappy due to which I was also scared of commiting suicide again. He taught me to offer namaz 5 times, helped me so much and we always help each other to do good deeds.

But his family have financial problem due to which my family will never allow me to get married there and all family's responsibilty is on him because his other brothers are not much responsible and are not completing their duties. This is not any issue for me but I am little tensed what to do - should I break this relation what will I tell him? Even he is sure my parents will not allow us to get married and sometimes I feel if I married with him will he take responsibility of me? One day I told him we both will do job and you buy a new house before marrage so my parents will agree he answered it is impossible I have responsibility of my whole family and he directly told me he can't leave his family. I agree his family is priority but his brothers are leneant they are not helping him.

Sometimes I feel he doesn't love me, I am worried if after marrage he felt he can't take my responsibility he will leave me. He is also telling me leave relationship your parents will not accept him and also tell me he love me. I don't want to leave him because of his poverty because if we both will work we can live happily. I will also respect and serve his parents but his family is irresponsible please help what should I do?


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15 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,

    So long as you are distant from Allah swt and constantly sorrowful because of who loves you or doesn't love you or who will stay with you or who will make you happy, you will never be happy, it is impossible. A person can actually be happy if they are alone and betrayed by people, BUT, they seek refuge in Allah swt and return to remembering Him in every instant. This is the only way I know of being happy, every other way that I ever ventured or tried only left my heart and soul in pain.

    If you want a relationship, don't expect happiness--you will just have endless problems.

    If you want happiness, then follow the path that Allah swt has ordained for you--you won't be confused and you will be at peace.

    Leave the business of husband-finding to your family OR simply accept their reasoning as there is a very good reason for why girls should have a Wali. Expecting to be happy while only following the parts of Islam that you want, will not prove to be successful.

    May Allah swt ease your pain and help you to have clarity, Ameen.

    • This is good advise .
      I think "Like" option needs to be added to this tool to like some one's comments .

      Some suggestion to admin 🙂

      • Wow ..

        I see "Like" is appended to this application now .Thank you a lot .

        I think one simple enhancement needed is to see who all have liked it ..

      • SubhanAllah, I was thinking of this ''Like'' option last night, and then I just came to see it already added today--was soo fast mashaAllah. Jazakum Allah khair al-Jaza Brother Logical for suggesting this good idea, and the Admins for adding it immediately. It will make liking comments much easier. 🙂

        • I think it's also going to help the original posters disregard and not take unhelpful comments too seriously - and thus give more attention to the wonderful advices (with more likes) given by so many of our brothers and sisters here, alhamdulillah 🙂

    • Sorry to put this comment in here...

      I was wondering if it is still possible to receive notification of new posts or new comments as I am no longer receiving emails as of one day ago (probably due to the changes on the website..and if it is process, I don't mean to be impatient)? Jazak Allah in advance.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        I'm not sure why that's happened, but maybe trying turning notifications off then on again? If that doesn't work, let us know and inshaAllah one of us might be able to look into it.

        Midnightmoon editor

        • The options to receive notifications when making a post are no longer available as they were before (under the submit comment button)....I'm not sure of a different way of turning the notifications on...perhaps someone else knows...?

    • Assalamualaikum Sister Saba and All brother and sisters
      First of all I came to this site recently and i am very much happy to see suggestion of all specially sister saba and may Allah(SWT) reward you all for your advice.
      I dont knw why people(specially girls ) fall in love so easily and quickly(May be this how Allah swt made women), Suggestion to all Sister, how can u start a Halal relationship(Marriage) on ""Haram base"", loving someone, talking to non mehram, talking to a person u got engaged, chatting on FB before marriage this may be one of the cause allah swt take barkha(blessings) from Halal relationship(marriage) same apply to brother. I know there is lot of Fitna out there. Its easy to get tempted.
      May Allah SWT protect all muslim sister and brother and give them sabar.

      ""Muslim Girls are Future of Islam.""
      Allah has protected by giving shade through her father, uncle, brother, husband, son and then grandson. One muslim girl can change and effect life of this many people around her. Please Muslim girls help your men folks from ur father to your grandson because there is lot of fitna which guys easily get tempted.

      Jazakallah Khairn May allah SWT help me better and good Muslim, And give more hikma to sister saba

      • Jazak Allah and may Allah swt give all of us patience and wisdom, Ameen.

        Brother, yes, the way women and men fall in love is different and it is the way that we are. And, interestingly, the way that women and men fall in love also happens to be the way that attract them to one another just as magnets attract each other. This whole process is a test.

        We can ask: Why do girls fall in love so easily?
        This is a valid question.
        We can also ask: Why do men leave the girl they fall in love with so easily?

        There are so many questions we can ask girls and boys or women and men...but the truth is we may end up criticizing the nature of women and men--the way in which Allah swt made them. I've often heard or read that women are so gullible and easily swayed--and then they are criticized for their stupidity in how they fall for this trap--and sometimes it is true. But, I wonder, when we stand before Allah swt, will it be better to be stupid (and hopefully later wiser!) OR be clever in tricking and decieving the stupid person? This last statement is for both genders.

        And while I cannot disagree with your last warning to Muslim girls, we have to be careful too Brother. On one hand we agree that Allah swt has given men a status above women, but on the other hand, we cannot only warn our sisters and not our brothers. As you said, guys may be easily tempted, but the same falls for girls. That's the way temptation works. Although a girl is blessed in getting protection from the male members of her family, it is also protection from the male non-mehrems in soceity--and since men know other men well, it is good for them to encourage each other in NOT pursuing women outside marriage. We can all do our part--warning our sisters and warning our brothers.

        May Allah swt protect our Ummah and raise us in status in our Deen, Ameen.

  2. I also think the like option is a very good tool
    MasAllah great on the website

  3. I think you should leave the marriage proposals to your family BUT if you have someone in mind tell your parents and be honest about it. I am sure if they know you have someone in mind there is no harm in asking the guy to come to your parents house asking for your hand in marriage.

    I also agree with Saba's advise then leave it to Allah and let your family deal with marriage for you inshAllah all the best. Do not do anything where you compromise your parents trust or break that trust they deserve so much than this.

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