What should I do? I feel used.
He's depressed... I tried to help...
Asalamulakum brothers and sisters..
Being a teen of 18, it has become frequent in today's era to have ''friends from the opposite sex'' when you are studying in a coeducational environment. I too have friendships with some boys. And I do so on a very modest level and this 'friendship' is built upon mutual respect. For they are well aware that I am not that sort of person who would allow them to cross their limits with me.
The problem arises with this one friend of mine. I am quite or at least was quite content with his personality. In fact,ignoring a few flaws I thought he was a good example of what an ideal MUSLIM boy should be. He was very respectful in his speech and helpful. He was a hardworking student and also we had a lot in common. Often we would have talks about ISLAM, we had similar views about matters.
But suddenly he becomes depressed. He send this text to a circle of friends that sounded sort of alarming. I did not receive it although I was considered a close friend. It was forwarded to me by a random friend who didn't even talk with him much. I was concerned about him. He was active on social networking sites but did not respond to the messages I sent him.
It was passed on to me that he was in some sort guilt. That he had done something and had to 'fix' it. I sent him a series of messages asking if he was okay and explaining to him that what he was going through though I did not have an idea of it was normal. I tried my utmost to console him with generalized statements and telling him that all his friends were worried about him. He said he was 'okay' but I kept telling him to have faith in ALLAH.
In short, I was there for him..some of his friends told me he was upset with this 'friend' who was a girl and that swore he wouldn't tell anyone about it. This started giving me an idea that he was probably heartbroken or something of that sort. I didn't want to jump to conclusions or doubt his intentions. So I still showed concern to him, I was one of the very few people who showed concern. My other friends who knew about the situation were busy with exam prep. I would ask him how he was and give him advice in the light of Islam. He too said that this shock he went through made him closer to ALLAH. I would give him duas for anxiety and just help out in ways that I could.
One day he finally opened up though not fully about the situation. Apparently, his friend - a childhood friend - died of cancer. And before she died she was ignoring him and not replying to him. He said she wanted to distance herself from him and the world and it took him long to realize that. I listened patiently and said that he shouldn't feel guilty ..although at heart I felt he may have been romantically involved with her. BUT I WAS STILL THERE FOR HIM.
He said that he is unable to get out of the way he was feeling after 3 weeks. I thought he was depressed and directed him to various websites about Islam and depression and I said I had faith in him that he would be able to put this all behind.
What's disturbing me is that whenever he talks to me he acts helpless and in pain... and with others he is completely normal. He makes random comments on posts of other girls on networking sites.. even when they dont give him much attention. He then turns on the depressed personality with me..not using emoticons and those single word replies.
I SPENT SO MUCH OF MY TIME trying to help him out cause I felt bad for him. It pains me to believe that he may have impure intentions, because I always had a good impression of him. I thought he was religious and respectful... and whats worse is that he has everything... a good reputation... awesome grades... intelligence ... friends... and yet he is depressed...
When here, I have to struggle so much for maintaining my grades and I still took out time for him. I don't know what I should do now. I want to erase him from my mind and just not care anymore but I can't, I feel like I care for him.. tell me how to move on? how to not care? I just want ALLAH..THATS IT..:(
ashapple
3 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
OP: He makes random comments on posts of other girls on networking sites.. even when they dont give him much attention. He then turns on the depressed personality with me..not using emoticons and those single word replies.
I SPENT SO MUCH OF MY TIME trying to help him out cause I felt bad for him.............................. It pains me to believe that he may have impure intentions, because I always had a good impression of him. I thought he was religious and respectful... and whats worse is that he has everything... a good reputation... awesome grades... intelligence ... friends... and yet he is depressed...
Why it "pains you to believe he may have impure intentions"? What makes you think he has "impure intentions"? Is he no longer religious and respectful? He does not have every thing. He lacks happiness. In my opinion many depressed people have above average intelligence.
Why you a problem erasing him of your mind? To care for some one does not mean that you have to ignore your studies.
I care too much I think.To the extent that I am unable to concentrate on other important things.-the fact that I am to apply for medical school and my only hopes of getting into it is getting very high marks.I feel distracted all the time.By him.I don't hate him.In fact I make dua for him but how can I get a peace of mind and soul?? I want to be at peace.Should I break my friendship with him?
Assalaamualaikam
It sounds as though things have got quite complicated, and it can be difficult to untangle situations when you're living inside them. I think it's important to try to separate out how you feel towards this boy, the problems he has with his own mental health, and what is appropriate behaviour between the two of you.
Firstly, depression is a cruel and confusing illness. It can affect anyone, regardless of how successful or happy that person was before. Depression isn't necessarily caused by anything going wrong in a person's life, or by anything they have done wrong - just because this boy's life looks successful from the outside, doesn't mean that he is somehow immune to becoming ill. Also, bear in mind that (from what you've mentioned) a friend of his has recently died. Bereavement can take a long time to get over, and can in itself be a catalyst for depression.
In order to recover and come to terms with his loss, it's important for him to seek appropriate help - he should go to his doctor or a trusted teacher and tell them how he is struggling. InshaAllah they can then put him in touch with a suitably trained counsellor.
Secondly, you described feeling that he turns on his depressed personality with you. Instead of seeing it that way, think about the possibility that he may instead be turning off the cheerful persona he is showing other people, and sharing his grief and sadness with you.
With regards your feelings for him, if you care for him and want him to get better, then there are a few things you can do to help: observe Islamic limits with him and ensure he does the same with you; direct him to specialist help; and make dua for him.
Finally, and most importantly for both of you, you need to be aware of what is and isn't appropriate in terms of your contact with each other. He is not your mahram and you are not his, so the two of you should not be engaging in private communication. Yes, in today's society it may seem like everyone has friends of the opposite sex... but if everyone was to jump off a cliff, would you do that? Stick to Allah's guidance and know that the efforts you put in to doing this will be rewarded.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor