Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What to do with my husband and my lover?

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Assalamualykum.............

I loved a guy who is my childhood friend since 6 years...n got married to him just over a year ago...for him I fought with my family to get married with him...my family was upset as they didn't like the guy...but for my happiness they accepted him and his family's proposal and we were married.....

From the day we got married he and his family started abusing me and my family....and he asked me my total salary and gold - he supports his family for dowry harassment on me....

I beared it for 6 months not telling to anyone...getting frustrated i tried to commit suicide and harmed myself. After that I told all these problems to my family. After this my family members spoke with my in-laws... Surprisingly my in-laws and husband turned their words and acted innocent with my family....they are the ones who speak rudely with me but in front of others they just act being innocent...So I left him and came back to my family..

During this time after separation with my husband one of my colleagues (a Muslim guy) was a friend with whom I shared all these problems... he was getting closer and promised me that he will marry me... we both had physical relations after that and he told that he wants me to be his second wife as his family has already selected a girl with him... but my parents won't allow me to be a second wife to him...

I know I did a mistake by getting physically intimate with him.. I'm confused what to do with these two guys..help me?

aleena

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12 Responses »

  1. The secomd guy knew his parents have already selected a girl for him, why did he do it with you. He has started cheating even before getting married to the girl his parents have selected for him. He may not even marry you.

    You should try getting marriage counselling. Take your mother in law with you too.

  2. both these cases,they are not religious.

    by looking at your data,i get that you are a fan of those fake romantic movies and agree with them on real life too.

    marry a religious one or else you will be a loser-hadith

    you shared your problems with a stranger but did not care about asking Almighty AllahSWT.

    here itself your second fault started.

    the second guy knows your family will not make anyone accept you as second wife so he cleverly told you he wants you as second wife.

    the real fact is the second guy used you.

    my advise to you is STOP watching movies and STOP hearing music.

    do wudu and ask for forgiveness often.

    often does not mean 100 times...do as many times as you can.

    if you repent sincerely,AllahSWT will accept your forgiveness.

    i cannot say whether you should say your physical affair with that stranger to your husband or not,its better for the sisters here to give view on that.i have no comments for it.

    if you die unrepented,be ready for the fire in the grave.

    as for that second guy who used you,his worries will start soon and soon he will come running to AllahSWT about his worries.

    if some human has power over you or you get suicidal thoughts,its 100% confirmed that you are away from AllahSWT.

    repent and follow all laws of Almighty AllahSWT and do dua that you should get justice from AllahSWT.

    if you do this,soon all these people who are doing wrong with you,you will see them suffer for their sins.

    stop loving dunya as if its jannah.

    do salah and dua and repent.

    Salaam.

    • Irfan, it's not up to you to tell someone that they will be punished in the grave or go to Hell. You are not the Master of the Day of Judgment. You've done this before and it's inappropriate. Be more careful with your words.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • "if you die unrepented,be ready for the fire in the grave."

      Not for you to say, Irfan. Allah forgives who He wills, and punishes who He wills. Don't elevate yourself.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    With regards your husband, if he and his family have been abusive towards you, then I'd advise arranging your divorce from him so that you can move on with your life and find a new husband who will treat you with love and kindness, inshaAllah. If you wish to reconcile with your husband (please don't return to an abusive man, though), then you could ask your parents to contact his and the two families could try to resolve the issues. Pray istikhara and trust in Allah to guide you to what is best for you in this life and the next.

    This other guy hasn't behaved appropriately or treated you with respect; if he wished to have a halal relationship with you, he should have approached you and your family with a proposal and observed Islamic limits in his interactions with you. Instead he has been involved in a pre-marital relationship while intending to marry another woman. While a man has the right to have more than one wife, there is a requirement that he treats his wives fairly, and from what you have written, his behaviour doesn't seem to indicate that this would necessarily happen. Personally, I wouldn't spend any more time waiting for him. If he wants to be with you, he needs to do so in an Islamically appropriate way; if he doesn't do this, don't waste your time and energy on him.

    I think it's important to reflect on your own actions here, and think about what factors contributed to you becoming involved in a pre-marital relationship and having physical relations with this guy - were you feeling lonely? in need of validation? vulnerable? Once you can identify contributing factors, you can work to address them so that you don't repeat your actions. Offer sincere repentance to Allah, ensure that you observe His guidance from now on, and surround yourself with positive role models and supportive people. It might help for you to get involved with your local Islamic community (charity projects, study groups, courses, etc.) so that you can meet pious sisters and do something to build up your self esteem.

    Remember that Allah is the best of planners, and trust in Him to guide you to what is best.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • The issue is that women most of the time dont like the caring loving nice guys. That's the weirdest thing about women they fall in love with bad boys and even guys who abuse them from the beginning of the relationship and complain when things go wrong. There must have been a reason why her parents opposed the marriage but women have a weird sense of romance according to which this woman got married also. Nowadays muslim women do the haram first then think of marriage afterwards, no wonder these cunning men use them and dump them. The solution is simple don't get into haram relationships in the first place, a practicing man will always fear the almighty. If you get married to a pious man let him know about your past otherwise it would be deception and the results would be even worse.

  4. Assalam alaikum Sister Aleena,

    It seems that because you fought with your family to marry your friend from childhood, you feel some obligation to make that marriage worked, thus why your procrastinated 6 months before disclosing the challenges you were experience in your marriage. If this is the reason to remain married, it may not be the right reason because what you are really fearing is admitting that you have made a mistake. Personally I think that you should try to get Islamic Marriage counselling with your husband before you completely give up on this marriage. AFTER you have put your full efforts, then only should you part ways.

    As for the second man, I wouldn't suggest him even if you weren't married and he wasn't engaged. You are vulnerable and let down your guard when you shouldn't have. He is not the one to whom you should be confiding in with your troubles. You should stop all communication with him.

    Please listen to your family - and pray to Allah for forgiveness and guidance.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  5. [Comment deleted.]

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  6. I wish you will understand the real life and what family especially parents think and select for you is always a best option rest now you are in your home so I wish this time you will leave all on your parents and ask them to select something for you instead you will go around to tell your problem to others and same the way people get to use you and your emotions.

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