Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t know what to do with my wife

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salam alaykum,

Can someone knowledgeable in Islam help me with this matter?

My wife claims that she is a good muslim woman. She prays, sometimes she reads Coran, and fasts; BUT
many times I've found out that she is checking some men on facebook and the internet. Each time I confronted her with this she said, 'no I haven't', or she that it was just by mistake or a cousin.  Or it could be another excuse that I don't really believe.

Somehow a man's name always comes up. Today I asked her who that person was, and she said "what, who, where", like she doesn't know what am I talking about- even though she just looked at his profile and saw a minimum 50 of his pictures for about  1 hour before that. So I told her I found it in the history, and she suddenly remembered it and she said that she knew his sister and wanted to check his sister's profile.  So I went to his profile, and she said "that is his sister".  I checked, and I found out that she didn't look at her profile or pictures at all. So we started to argue and she said that her pictures are on his profile- but there are just 2 or 3.  I asked her if she knew his sister, why didn't she search her, and not him? She said "because his sister married and changed her name".

In the end she didn't find anything else to defend herself with, so she started to accuse me of things. One of them was that I am cheating. The reason for this accusation was that a woman I knew for four years before I married her,  somehow found me on facebook and followed me. I wasn't with this woman before, and I have done nothing bad with her. I knew her because I was living in another country, and I was teaching her and her brother.

Anyhow, I didn't believe anything she said, but she always found an answer. She always denied everything until I showed her the proof, and then suddenly she remembered and gave an answer that explained the situation.

To give our background: when I married her, she was wearing niqab. She acted at first like an angel, but after that slowly slowly I began to find out that she lied about many things and hid many things.  For example, she has much debt, she was arrested, and she is ill.  Sometimes she does things and hides them, and when I ask her about it she acts like she doesn't know.

I don't think that she is doing zina (I hope), but I think that she is talking or looking at other men,  which is still  cheating for me.  Now we have 2 babies, and she says that she loves me, butI don't know what to do.

As for our intimate relationship, most of the time she says she is tired, or she is cold, or she's too tired in the morning /evening, or the babies, or she needs to pray, or read coran, or doesn't have time to do ghusl before the next salah, or it hurts, or later, etc.  When it happens -maybe once every two weeks- she says "just get on with it, just finish".  I have tried everything. I also tell her sometimes "if you don't want this, I can marry another one"; and she says "do it- but you will never see your kids again".

Now I don't know what to do. One head tells me be patient and she will change, and other head tells me it will just get worse. But I cannot do anything because of the babies. I have thought many times and I believe now that if we didn't have any children, maybe it would be better to divorce and finish it.

About me: I am not perfect either, but I am not cheating or lying or doing something very bad to her.

Islamically, what should I do?  What is the ruling about wives who check out other men- liking them or just looking  at them? What should I do?  Please advise me, and jazakum allah khayr.

-Yuna

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11 Responses »

  1. Wa Aleikum assalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu. Brother, you have the right as a husband to stop her from using the internet as well as requesting her Facebook password or any other password. Allaah has commanded you to be a Shepard in your home and over your wife and protect her from the fire of Hell. You are openly catching her staring /chatting with men, as well as lying. Most people might find my ideal extreme. But she has to obey you...

    “Maalik bin Uhaimir (radi Allahu anhu) reported that he heard the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) saying that Allaah (subhana wa ta’ala) will not accept any good deeds or worship of an immodest and vulgar person. We asked, ‘O Prophet of Allaah! Who is immodest and vulgar?’ He replied, ‘A man whose wife entertains non-Mahram men.’” [Kashf-ul Astaar An Zawaaid-ul Baraar]

    Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allaah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allaah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allaah is ever Exalted and Grand. (Quran 4:34)

    Also , remind her that the angels curse the woman whose husband goes to bed angry with her and who denies him his rights intimately without proper reason (which sounds like she has no proper excuse) . Being tired ( all mothers are tired but so are men from work) , and not wanting to do ghusl is not a proper excuse . The prophet saw once said even if her husband calls her from the saddle of a camel she must respond. This is a big sin in islam. If she cannot do this , then take a second wife to protect yourselves from any future sin ; since you don't want a divorce . But Allaah tells the brothers how to deal with a disobedient or unruly wife in Quran surah 4 ayah 34. In shaa Allah you will have a solution soon and your situation rectified .

    Allaah knows best .

  2. Sort of sounds like my husband. Deny deny deny lie untill theres proof then accuse other one of doing bad. At least she prays and reads Quran which means she has some fear of Allah. Work on that and ask her what she leanrs from reading Quran. Just reading has no effect unless its practised. If someone wants to do something you cannot stop them. If you ask for her fb password she might open another fb. So she has to stop this from her own. Separate yourself from her and keep distance for a while. See if she misses you. If she cares about you she will make the effort to get closer to you and if she doesnt her behavioir woll be same or worsen.

  3. Sort of sounds like my husband. Deny deny deny lie untill theres proof then accuse other one of doing bad. At least she prays and reads Quran which means she has some fear of Allah. Work on that and ask her what she leanrs from reading Quran. Just reading has no effect unless its practised. If someone wants to do something you cannot stop them. If you ask for her fb password she might open another fb. So she has to stop this from her own. Separate yourself from her and keep distance for a while. See if she misses you. If she cares about you she will make the effort to get closer to you and if she doesnt her behaviour will be same or worsen.

  4. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    I agree with Sr. Awaiting where she wrote: Separate yourself from her and keep distance for a while while living in the same house. If she has some good in her, she will notice that you have withdrawn from her and are silent. Hopefully, she will notice and when she speaks to you about this, tell her that your behaviour will not change until you see that she is giving her 100% to this marriage. At that point, you can talk about expectations and perhaps the both of you can even discuss what your children need from the both of you at this time.

    Continue being a good father to your children and spend lots of time with them.

    I am sorry that you are going through this and I pray that Allah creates much love and respect in your wife's heart for you and that she returns to the right path, Ameen.

  5. SA

    I hate to say it to you brother, but your wife isn't attracted to you. That is the fundamental problem here. The issue is that you're a pushover that she knows she can just walk all over. You literally caught her looking at other men, and what did you do? You started defending yourself instead of taking action and laying down the law. The fact that you allow her to consistently deny you your sexual rights shows that she doesn't view you as a man. You are like a little boy begging at her feet for sex. Obviously she's shopping around for a real man to give her sexual satisfaction while you pay her bills.

    The issue is that you need to be a man and take charge and act like the head of your household. She will respect you more. Read the books "Everything out of her mouth is a test" by Frank B. Kermit and "The Rational Male" by rollo tomassi. Keep in line Islamic guidelines when reading these.

  6. Salaam brother.I would take a different approach from the above replies.Have you thought of the possibility that she just might be browsing the net because she's bored and has free time on her hands?I mean, stalking on Facebook is extremely common, and its fairly possible that she might be checking the pictures out of mere curiosity, with no darker motive.And when you confronted her in an angry way, she just got confused and started giving excuses, because she didn't want you to think she was interested in the stalkee, who probably has no idea that she or you even exist, and that he's becoming such a bone of contention between you two.So relax.Please do not assume the worse, look for the simplest explanation.Stalking is not a big crime, and definitely shouldn't be a reason for divorce.If you don't approve of it, you could put it to her in a gentle manner that you don't approve of her even stalking other men's profiles, and she would probably then stop.There are two basic approaches one takes towards other people :guilty till proven innocent , or innocent till proven guilty.It is my opinion that the former is probably the cause of erosion of thousands of marriages around the world, and seeing that she's checked out some guy's pictures on Facebook doesn't prove anything, brother, it really doesn't.It's honestly as irrational as her saying you're cheating on her because some woman is following you on Facebook.Please make sure its not just Shaytan putting waswasas in your heart, because that's what he loves to do,putting waswasas and doubts inorder to destroy a marriage.Free your heart from doubt, if you don't like something, be open about it, but in a gentle manner, atleast at first.

    As for the intimacy problem, I think its probably linked closely with the first one.I defer to Quran and Hadith which state clearly what a wife's duty must be.But as a human being and husband I'd ask you to put yourself in her place for a moment.Maybe she is going through extreme emotional turmoil at the moment, with you talking bad about her character and fidelity and being so suspicious, and talking about taking a second wife.As in ( in my opinion) would any wife be happy being intimate after such accusations.She is not a lump of meat made solely for your gratification, she is a human being that Allah has made, unique, with a mind and soul of her own.Allah has made her your helpmeet, a garment for you, if you have a right over her body, she also has a right over your love and affection.Fine, I agree, no doubt, by Allah's law, you have the right to command her to come to you any time.But would you be fine doing that, knowing she's not happy about it?Not the stuff the best marriages are made of.I think if the first problem is resolved successfully, and harmony restored between you two, the intimacy part might very well be automatically resolved, and you will insha'Allah have no further complaints in that regard.

    Brother, I could be wrong, this was just my judgement based on your post,You alone know best what the situation is.I'm just saying, deal with your situation and wife with wisdom, tact and sense.Insha' Allah I pray that soon your problems dissolve and your marriage blossom, Ameen.

    • It's true, this can be a possibility too. Since there isn't any solid proof and mostly suspicions, it wouldn't be a bad idea to try to improve communication and make put special time aside for just the OP and his wife regularly so they can "date" and fall in love with one another again. Duties are important and shouldn't be forgotten, but one can get miles ahead with a gentler approach.

      Good reply.

    • AOA,

      I do not agree with your comment 'Mystic' . She is actively looking at another man and your verdict is just playing it down. Perhaps it means something different in facebook world but stalking is a crime in the UK! What mother of two babies has time to get bored when she can't even spare time for ghusl?

      This wife is studying a strange man. Who cares if she supposed to know his sister! Together with her endless excuses for avoiding intimacy is a cause for concern. I'm sure if you were in such a situation, you wouldn't have such a ridiculous rationale.

      Futher to this she lies and conceals things plus her threat to the OP of not being allowed to see his kids if he takes another wife as she won't behave like a wife is very bad.

      AOA Yuna,

      I recommend you adhere to the comment of Anonymous Youth as you need to redefine your position as head of the family. Her behaviour is totally inappropriate and there is no excusing it. If it was a woman whose husband was doing this then she would have everyone condemning her husband.

      It seems to me that you have difficult task on hand as she clearly does not respect you. Assuming you pay the bills, cut the internet connection or have it password protected. I'm sorry but she seems rather sly in turning the matter round to you and accusing you of cheating.

      The problem with creating distance is it has to be done carefully, if at all. As in some cases this may be favourable for the offending party. Creating distance can sometimes widen the gap even more. In the Qur'an verse given above 'forsake them in bed' , see what reaction you receive by adhering to this.

      As previously advised, always be the best father to your kids regardless, as this is a separate relationship and your kids are innocent. The kids will always be your kids, your spouse may not always be your spouse.

      All the best Insha'Allah, Ramadan Kareem

  7. OP: When it happens -maybe once every two weeks- she says "just get on with it, just finish".

    Seems like you wife does not enjoy doing it with you.
    Has she been like this ever since you married her? You mentioned she is ill. Her illness may be creating some intimacy and other problems between you 2.

    Try to make it interesting for her.

    What difference it makes if she looks at men pictures on the Internet when she is cold, not interested.

  8. Looking at another men is definately cheating on you, I would suggest you to call her parents and try to have a mutual discussion and try to find a solution to this problem through consensus. If things still don't change it better to divorce a woman like her and move on

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