Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What’s wrong with me?

second wife

Where do I fit in his life?

So I got married to my husband. It was unplanned wedding. Well, it was planned but not with him. Anyway I love my husband, he is always honest and caring, but he has another wife and two kids also.

When he first told me that I was shocked, mad, sad. I didn't know if I wanted to be with him. I mean, she felt the same way too, but hey it's life, a guy can have up to 4 wives.

Every time he is around me we laugh, play and stuff. Sometimes I stop and start thinking out of nowhere and start getting mad at him and stuff. He always says you can talk to me about anything you're feeling but when I look at him I just can't, I don't know why?

Sometimes the days he is gone I'm just sad, depressed, lonely. I start thinking all negative about him, that he likes the other wife better than me and stuff. Sometimes I think we can't have kids together because we're not blessed and he is always talking about it's not up to us is up to Allah(swt) we just have to be patient. I get mad, I start crying for no reason.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I not ready to accept his family? Am I just jealous or selfish? Am I too young to be a second wife? I don't know what's wrong with me. Did I lose the love I once had when we moved in together? Is it just not meant to be for us? I need help!



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4 Responses »

  1. If he told you he has a second wife after the marriage then you have been betrayed , if he told you this before the marriage and you still agreed to marry him then hes not at fault as long as there is justice among both you and his first wife

  2. Did your husband get Visa or citizenship by marrying you?

  3. Salaam Sister,

    As you have mentioned that you love your husband and he is kind and caring. I think the feelings you have are of jealousy. It is normal for a second wife to feel jealous of the other wife. The main problem is it should be in control. Don't let jealousy control your life. Same like anger is normal for everybody but uncontrolled anger is not a good thing to have.

    It is halal for a man to marry 4 wives. So he hasn't done anything wrong. Allah has made this rule because Allah knows that a woman is able to share her husband with upto 3 other women.

    Thank Allah that you have such a caring and kind and honest husband. You might have read the questions on this site from other sisters about how they are suffering from a cruel husband who treats her very badly and she is stuck with him. Allah has blessed you with a good husband don't loose it. What if you marry someone else and he turns out to be the exact opposite of how your husband is now. By that time it will be too late for you to realise the blessing you had from Allah.

    I suggest you talk to your husband about your feelings and share your feelings about children and family life.
    Also, I suggest focus more on akhira and prepare yourself for that. Practice more deen and keep praying and learning more and more about Islam. Be thankful that you have an environment where you are able to practice you deen peacefully.

    Inshallah Allah will reward you for your courage to stay in this relationship.

    May Allah bless you with lots of knowledge about Islam.

  4. Sister,

    Fact is, your husband isn't honest. He wasn't honest with you from the get go. He did not allow you the choice of marriage with him knowing full and well that he was already married. Maybe had you known up front that he was already married and he was taking you as a second wife, you would not be feeling the way you do. Maybe if you were given the opportunity to accept the proposal knowing the truth, you wouldn't be here on this website pouring your heart out. Your feelings of hurt and anger are only human. It was a dirty move on his part and sad to say, you are not the first nor will you be the last sister to endure such deceit.

    It appears that your husband wasn't honest with you or his first wife. That to me is not an honest man at all in fact, I would call him a deceitful man. Because he did not disclose the fact that he was already married, he took away from you the choice in the matter. What if you did not want to be the second wife of a man? What if that was something you were not interested in? Of course you were mad and shocked...any woman would be. He lied to you and he lied to his first wife. That is not an honest man at all.

    Yes a Muslim man can marry up to four wives if he can provide equally amongst them and treat them fairly however does that mean he can be deceitful and lie in order to do so? I think not. What if you were married before and you did not disclose that information to him...would that be honest? would not. Can you imagine how your husbands first wife is feeling right now? Can you only imagine how many nights she has cried herself to sleep? Her husband went behind her back and married you. Can you imagine the hurt she feels as well? To feel that you weren't somehow good enough that your husband went behind your back and married another?

    How on earth do a married couple begin to build the very foundation of any marriage based on deceit? Sister, I personally don't see you as being jealous at all. You aren't selfish and in fact...if anyone is selfish, it is your husband. He was selfish to marry you without disclosing the facts to you and allowing you the opportunity to decide if being a second wife was something you were okay with. So, now you are married. You say he is a good man. You can either end your marriage due to your husbands deceit or, you can choose to accept the situation and work together to build what your husband never allowed to be. Trust.


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