Islamic marriage advice and family advice

When does dua become delusion?

dua imploring

Hello!

I was recently involved with a non-Muslim man, and we were very much in love with each other. However, my family is pressuring me to get married soon and I would like to marry a Muslim man because my religion is important. Because of this, I cut off ties with him, cutting him out of my life. I also felt very ashamed about being in a relationship, since this is haraam and started praying every prayer and learning more about Islam and generally trying to become closer to God in an effort to repent and take my religion more seriously.

I still love this man very much, and every time I pray or make dua, I ask for God to please open his heart to Islam. I ask that by his knowing me, he will become curious and research Islam and want to convert, not for me, but for the love of Islam. I am not asking God this so we can engage in a haraam relationship, rather I just want him to want to become a good Muslim and we can restart knowing each other in a halaal manner and Inshallah someday get married. He was a very good man and I believe could be a good match for me if he was a Muslim.

Every time I feel like crying, I stop because I have complete hope that God will accept my dua and my prayers, and I will never stop hoping. I guess my question is, does my confidence in God hearing my dua stop me from getting over something that I should move past? I know that if this is not best for me, God will not make it happen, but when you make dua you should do it will full hope in your heart that God will accept it. Does dua stop you from accepting your reality? I hope this question makes sense.

Thanks,

struggling87


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7 Responses »

  1. Your question makes complete sense and Yes, you may be preventing yourself from getting over it.

    It is good to make dua for what you want, especially when you are hurting and missing someone. But it sounds like you want to hold on to this fellow. You haven't made peace with your decision to give him up. You cannot be emotionally invested in the outcome of your dua, because you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. You need to trust God's plan. You also need to understand that dua does not make someone come back. Did this boy come running back to you because he missed you? It doesn't sound like it.

    You have prayed for this man to accept Islam. Now, put him away. Your chapter with him is finished. Pray to Allah that He grant you what us best. Pray for happiness.

    Our duas are always heard by Allah. But they are answered in the way He determines -- not the way you determine.

    Honestly, for your own peace of mind, you need to stop praying for this man. Otherwise you will never let him go. God has heard your dua, now it's time to move on.

    You will get over him.

    • Thank you for the advice.

      In the month since I submitted this question, my dua has definitely shifted more to asking for peace of mind and happiness. But I will admit that I still pray for this man often. I think this advice was just the kick I needed to let him go. You're right, I need to trust that Allah has heard my dua and the outcome will be whatever is best for me. I'm going to start moving forward. Thank you again.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    My comments are not just for you, but more a reflective comment on human nature.

    We pray and make du'a for things we want, for people in our lives, for health, for wealth, for Jannah, for this, for that...and many a times, our du'as revolve around our wants and desires. We want Jannah so we can avoid hellfire, we want Jannah to re-unite with our familes, we want Jannah for the sheer hope of enjoying life for eternity...we want and want and want. What about our desire to meet our Creator again? What about that moment when we will be in the presence of the One who Made us? Where has this desire in us gone?

    The point is, dear Sister, that this world is going to end and we are just in the middle of a journey. If you were to travel to another city and couldn't purchase your favorite coffee at the airport, but knew better things awaited you at home, you probably wouldn't worry so much or get terribly upset. Not that I want to belittle your feelings, but this earth is just a temporary airport and we transition into the next world, we won't be rejoicing at the du'as that were accepted in the dunya, rather we will wish we had more unanswered du'as--as we will compensated for those.

    Remember:

    "The dua of any one of you will be answered so long as he is not impatient and says, ‘I made dua but it was not answered." (Al-Bukhari & Muslim)

    "Let not any one of you say, ‘O God, forgive me if You will, O God have mercy on me if You will. Let him be resolute in the matter, whilst knowing that no one can compel God to do anything." (Al-Bukhari & Muslim)

    Also, your reaction to your du'a being accepted or not accepted is a testament of your faith. The result of your du'a is not something you should fixate on, but rather with your relationship with Allah swt.

    You obviously realize that your relationship was wrong....but remember, you cannot compel Allah swt to do something nor use it as proof for how reliable Allah swt is. Your confidence and faith in Allah is yours alone - and you should not allow that to falter. May Allah bring peace to your heart and ease your worries, Ameen.

    • In fact, you have said the truth, sister Saba, mashaAllah.

      I have been thinking of similar human behavior. Many times we say we can't live without a person because we feel we are completely in-love with them? But have we ever felt completely in-love with Allah like this way? Have we ever felt that we really cannot live without Allah? Do we yearn to meet Allah and cry upon that, just like the way we do for our fellow human beings? Doesn't Allah deserves much better love than whatever we may feel for our fellow human beings?

      According to Imam ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have mercy on him), there are some among the true servants of Allah who truly feel this way towards Allah. And sometimes while in the state of yearning for Allah, they seem impatient around people and therefore would hid themselves and weep till Allah soothes their hearts and give them glad tidings about His meeting very soon. He mentioned his teacher (sheikh ibn Taymiyyah--may Allah have mercy on him) as one example of such servants of Allah, and said he would sometimes leave the people to the mountains where he could worship Allah alone and yearn for Him.

      Indeed Allah is the only Real Lover and the only Real Beloved in existence. Any love for something else must be a fruit from our love for Allah, otherwise we are in great delusions.

      Our problem is that we still don't know Allah, nor do we recognize His grace upon us. By human nature, when a good has been done to us by someone, we try to search for the doer to thank him/her, however, we rarely do the same for Allah Who Has done the greatest good to us? He fed us while in our mother's wombs, and then brought us out alive safely. And then as we are now in a world where there is no happiness without knowledge of something, Allah gave us the three main tools for attaining knowledge, which are our hearing, our eyesight, and our brain. Without these three tools (or only the brain in some special situations), there is no way we can attain knowledge, and without attaining knowledge of something in life, we can't attain happiness. People are happy because they know something about life, regardless of what they know may be, and the best of knowledge is that which earns us eternal happiness, and that is the knowledge of Allah. Whoever knows Allah, loves Him truly, and whoever loves Him has truly thank Him, and the reward is happiness in both this life and the next.

      "Allah brought you out of your mothers' wombs, not knowing anything; and He gave you the hearing, and the eyesight, and the brains (to help you know things); that you may give thanks." (Quran 16:78)

      To the OP:

      If you truly want to show Allah your sincere repentance, then forget about the guy forever, and then focus on your relationship with Allah. Hoping for Allah to guide anyone to Islam is a good thing, but with a personal desire or self-interest attached to it is not a good thing to show Allah. People have their principles and limitations in life, and they expect everyone respect that. Allah also Has His principles and limitations, and He expects us to respect that. Period. If we wouldn't like anyone bothering us to compromise on our principles and limitations in life, then why are we doing that to Allah?!

      May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala direct us to thank Him for the blessings He Has bestowed upon us, and to act with righteousness, pleasing Him. Ameen.

      • You're right! I never thought about it that way, with principles and limitations. I will remember this. Thank you for the advice.

    • Thank you Sister for such a lovely and thoughtful response. In the last month, as I've been praying more and trying to reflect on Islam, it has definitely become more clear to me how transient this life is. And that has definitely helped me to move forward and focus my energy on better things. But you put it so beautifully just now, and it has really helped me to refocus and let this go.

      I feel that I will have to come back and reread this a few more times in the coming weeks, but thank you. I will trust that Allah will do what is best for me and start healing.

      • May Allah bring you all success in your fight with your feelings. Ameen. By no means is it easy , but by no means is it impossible either. Sometimes peace isn't attained by getting, but rather, peace is attained by letting go.

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