When Is enough, enough?
So my last post explained how I left my verbally (and physically) abusive boyfriend. He had come back to me promising everything would be OK. He told me we could do the Nikah and make all the wrong that has happened better again. He told me we can start reading the Qur'an every night, and he would teach me how to pray. He said he has felt as though he lost his way with Islam and we can find our way together. So he came back, moved back in, we were going to do the Nikah this weekend, then it happened. Another fight, him calling me names (whore, slut, bitch) in front of the kids (my 2 children 11 and 8 years old). I asked him repeatedly to please stop, not in front of them.
He then told me that the kids need to know the truth of their mother and kept going on to tell them how i am a no good mother and that he feels sorry for them that I played games with their father and now i was playing around with him... I am so confused... I want to believe good and change, I want to be happy and follow everything right but I keep ending up on this path of misery and pain. I know i have no one to blame but myself, but how do you know when someone is to be forgiven or not? I don't want to not forgive him if he truly is sorry and wants to show better, but the better doesn't last and then it goes back bad again.....
Should i just stay alone (again) with my 2 kids and 1 on the way? I don't want to be alone... but i don't want to be mistreated. I am in no way perfect, but, I do not deserve to be called any of those names and definitely not in front of the kids.
Soon2convert.
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Salaams,
Sister, no one wants to be alone. Part of the human condition is to desire companionship and closeness with another, and that's why marriage is such a blessed thing.
However, sometimes we can be so afraid of being alone, that we put up with things that we should never allow. I think this describes your situation. You already recognized that the relationship was in a bad place, and left this person once. You allowed this person back into your life because you had hope, you wanted to believe things could be different, and you wanted to share life with someone who would fulfill those ideas.
I've done the same thing. Not just once, but a few times actually. It's a hard, hard lesson to learn, but in the end when we settle for something that we don't deserve (and even worse, subject our children to a situation they certainly don't deserve) we send the message that this type of thing is OK. We are telling ourselves it's OK to be verbally abused, we are telling our children that disrespecting women is OK, and we are telling the offender that it is OK to treat us in a devaluing way.
Is it OK, though? Absolutely not.
In these instances, you have to stick by the right thing to do. Don't continue to send the message that these type of patterns and behaviors are OK by allowing them to continue, by keeping such hurtful people as a close part of your life.
You want to know when it's a good time to forgive someone, to trust them again, and let them back in their life. Here is the answer:
The right time is AFTER they change.
People can make promises all day and night to change, and never do it. They can keep you looped into a cycle that repeats over and over and over, only hurting you and your kids more and more as it continues. You are not obligated to give endless second chances to someone just because they ask for them. It is within your rights to require someone to actually become that better person FIRST, before you give them any part of your life.
People can't go into a bank and ask for a substantial loan, and recieve thousands or millions of dollars just because they asked for it. No, they have to prove they are worthy of the loan. They have to show evidence they can repay the loan and support the payments being made. They have to submit document after document to prove their creditworthiness, and sometimes the process takes months or even a couple of years. Once the bank is satisfied that a customer is a good risk, only then will they issue the loan. How much more important are the relationships between a man and a woman than a sum of money?
In my opinion, this guy would have to do all his hard work first. He should get into counseling, educate himself on how to treat women, and start actually CHANGING. He should only come back to you when he actually has some proof in the pudding- not just some empty promises and wishful pleas. This is something that's not going to turn around in just a few weeks or months, so personally if he comes to you having claimed to change before at least a year's time I would be highly skeptical.
If I were you, I would let him go for good. If he gets his act together and can demonstrate it a couple years from now, it's up to you what to do. In the meantime, though, I would imagine you will have the opportunity to meet other REAL men who have their act together and know how to treat you and your kids.
Yes, it will be lonely at times. But you know what? It's something we all have to learn to deal with. Even those who are married often struggle to not commit a minor form of shirk by having too much devotion for their spouse that rightfully belongs to Allah. There is no situation on earth (being single and lonely or being happily or even unhappily married) where we don't have to learn -often the hard way- how to put and keep Allah first in our lives. The one motivation I can offer you to not give up no matter how painful it gets is this: once you have been able to find peace and a strong connection to Allah while being alone, in shaa Allah you will be able to find peace and stay connected to Allah no matter what comes your way. You will be, in a sense, unbreakable.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sister I'm sorry about all the pain that this man has put you through Inshallah you will find light in the darkness but the only thing that scares me is your last paragraph as a mother you have no option of being alone or not your children come first don't be the mother that's always looking for the neither man my mother to was afraid of being alone and she lacked in being a good mother in the process your life is not about being a single mother how many women do it today you need to leave this man if you're not even Islamically married your whole life together with BSN I know my words sound harsh but the reality is your children come before you Sophie's Choice! love your children be a good mother is all that you can ask Allah to help you Inshallah!
Salaams Sister,
I too know what you're going through. These type of men never change, only get worse. When you allow them to come in and out of your lives, they respect you less each time as you have already put up with their previous mistreatment of you.
It is hard, lonely and daunting facing the world alone but it is better to be alone and at peace than to share your life with someone who doesn't have any respect for themselves, never mind any one else.
Take note of sister Amy's response. We are never alone, as Allah is always with us. Allah says to remember Him and He will remember us. Do right by Allah, do justice to yourself and your kids and move forward without this insecure, failure of a man.
Every time you get weak and feel you need to have this man around, think of your kids and how he degraded you in front of them. I have two daughters and it would tear me up inside when their father would insult me so explicitly in their presence. He was just a heartless user and abuser.
At the end of the day, kids need stability in order to thrive and flourish. We wouldn't want to disaffect our own kids lives just because we felt to scared about being alone.
READ THIS, IGNORE MY ABOVE COMMENT, I wanted to edit it, but it wouldnt allow me to do so, so im putting my edited version of it here, I wasnt happy with the previous one, some mistakes in it.
LeAve him sis. U deserve better, know ur worth as a woman sis. He doesnt have respect for u, nor trusts u, The foundation of relationships are respect and trust, love isnt that important, u must move on. Ur kids dont deserve to be witnessing this nonsense either. Just imagine how they must have felt.
Sis, if nikah hasnt happened then u r not allowed to be alone with him without a mahram, ur not meant to have intimate relationships like this! It seems u have recently embraced islam, therefore u dont seem to be aware of this matter.
Sis, there are many genuine muslim men out there that are trusting, respectful and who knows how to treat and honour women and their kids, as how a muslim man should.
Plz leave him and find someone better in sha Allaah through halal means ofcourse.
Dont think any further sis, leave him. I know its hard, but take this anxiety for it is better than the pain that he is very likely to hit u with repeatedly as he has been
Obey Allaah's command and in sha Allaah ull be fine. Dont worry sis.
Islamqa and islamweb are two very good sites if u want to learn more about islam and how relationships should be like in islam. Islamreligion is also a good site for reverts, there is a one2chat service on there too to talk to an advisor in sha Allaah
Sister,
Any man who talks to a woman in this manner is not worth a moment of your day. Open the door and let him leave, never to come back. You deserve someone who has respect for you and your children. Definitely not marriage material.
Salam