Islamic marriage advice and family advice

When is enough, enough?

Posted by • June 14, 2012 • Printer-friendly

woman worried about her husband's behaviour

Asalaamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu dear brothers and sisters,

I have a very serious problem that I would like to be advised. I am married coming up on my 1 year anniversarry however I am not sure If we will make it. Long story short; my husband is completely against vaccinations. For himself and for his family. We all know if we go to Hajj we will have to be vaccinated to leave the country. He says that hes not against Hajj but WILL NOT BE VACCINATED in order to go. He says they are poison and trash and serve no benefit at all.

When we were speaking about marriage he never once brought this up. Only when I became pregnant he started talking about it. First he was very unbiased, watching documentaries with me and being very open. However, the more pregnant I became the more aggressive he became with his views. When asked how come you never told me your view about this he claims that "he forgot" due to the excitement of meeting. And that ultimately he felt "I thought that I could get you to listen to me."

I had a terrible pregnancy due to this and was under terrible stress all the time. So bad that my last trimester I was put on high blood pressure meds. He told me that if I planned to vaccinate our baby then we would have some problems. And furthermore that WE WILL NOT have anymore kids together unless I agree not to vaccinate! That is the ultimate ultimatum. Amongst all of this, our love life starts to dwindle. Before we met in person I had lost about 75lbs and was still losing weight so I could be as healthy as possible.

He was attracted enough to talk to me and obviously marry me. However as soon as I hit about 2-3 months of pregnancy (gained about 5-6 lbs in that time) he didn't want to touch me. And no it wasn't because he thought he would hurt the baby or looked at me as fragile. Ultimately, he admitted that he wasn't attracted to my changing body due to the pregnancy. Of course that crushed me, as it would any woman, or any first time mother. I chalked it up as him being immature, selfish, new husband etc. This was at 3 months pregnant imagine having to go through that for another 6?

Now Alhumdulilah I have a beautiful son who is 3 months old. I have began my excercise routine and am only about 15lbs from my previous pre baby weight. Unfortunately, our intimacy has not changed. He still says that I am not attractive enough to motivate him to do his duties. When I look at his internet history they are full of porn sites. I told him that he can't have a marriage and an affair with porn. Which one is it going to be I asked, the internet or me? "Get fit" he says. Of course we are supposed to be attracted to our spouse but how can you make your wife feel this way after giving you such a blessing?

I don't know what to do. Ultimately, if we did counseling and everything is forgiven, the bottom line is that I have to be with someone who has told me I will never be a mother again unless I don't vaccinate. If we continue to be married.

Please help!

PeachMuslimah.


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6 Responses »

  1. Maryam
    June 14, 2012 • 4:23 pm

    From what you describe, it sounds to me as though your husband is not coping properly with the responsibilities and demands of being a father and a husband. The porn, the crackpot ideas, the excessive demands of weight loss... it all seems like he is trying to escape the pressure. What you need to do is bring up your concerns calmly during a time when you are enjoying a calm, loving moment. He will have his guard down and you'll be able to reach him better. About the vaccinations, you need to get a medical expert on your side. Tell him to research Polio and see what good vaccinations do.

    Reply
  2. Amy
    June 14, 2012 • 4:27 pm

    Salaams,

    In my view, it seems your husband is very shallow. Not only for making an issue about your weight and letting it impact your intimate lives, but because he's making vaccinations a deal-breaker. Yes, there are conflicting views about whether vaccinations are healthy or whether they contribute to other forms of disorders (IE autism) or complications, whether or not your child gets the shots should have no bearing on your relationship between one another.

    There are pros and cons to taking vaccinations, just as there are pros and cons to rejecting them. If you've done thorough research into both positions and still feel that it would be in your child's best interest to get them, it shouldn't be held against you. However, if you think it's better to lose this battle to win the war and compromise by keeping the child from being vaccinated, that's an option too. I know there are several families in the US specifically who are against vaccination, and while it may cause some controversy here and there ultimately their children are just as healthy as the vaccinated ones, because most of the diseases that we vaccinate for are rare to contract anyway.

    What I fear is that even if you resolve this issue about the vaccinations or appease him by losing weight, he will find something else to blow up into a big issue and use it to cause conflict eventually. Personally, all that coupled with the porn habits, and I would think I might do better to cut my losses and find someone more reasonable.

    If it's possible, sit down and talk with him about how you envisioned the marriage, how you expected it to be a team effort with both of you investing in the same values, and both of you doing the best you can to accept and love each other without conditions. If that's not the same picture he had or want to has, you have to decide if you want to stay and live in the marriage according to how he paints it, or leave and find someone that aligns more with your vision of a marriage relationship and family.

    If he does want to have that kind of marriage (the loving, accepting, compromising type), then he has to be willing to take some steps to show that. First would be letting you set up the computer so he cannot access any porn. Second, he needs to stop making your weight a reason to avoid you, and he has to start being regularly intimate with you again. Third, he has to agree that if you take the one for the team on the vaccinations, that he will be the one to back down the next time an issue comes up that he disagrees with about how to raise the children, and do it the way you prefer.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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  3. Parveen
    June 14, 2012 • 11:11 pm

    Your husband, must stop educating himself from bad sites.
    He should come to the reality that life/marriage life is not about the three letter word. Yes, it plays a crucial role but only like10 to 20% if marriage life. The rest is all about about looking after wife, husband, children- how to raise them, what kind of schooling should they have, what kind of friends,plan where to go on hoilday, work, health, food, bills, cleaning and helping around the house, visting friends and relatives and as well as continue with namaaz, quran, ramadhan, zakat, charity. Putting all these (the very leasts) in the marriage life, does not equal Marriage life as BODY.

    Sister, your husband have lost prespective in life. You need to talk to him firmly. If he is not going to change his ugly ways then I suggest you separate from him. Overall, it is your decision. You know your husband better than anyone else in here.

    May Allah (swt) makes your situation easy for you. Ameen.

    Reply
  4. Wael
    June 15, 2012 • 3:00 am

    To answer the question in your title, it's enough when you say it's enough.

    Your husband is a shallow jerk, sorry to say. His mind has been deeply corrupted by porn. You are absolutely right to give him an ultimatum and force him to choose.

    And he's wrong on the vaccinations issue. There are people who claim that vaccinations cause immune system problems, but they are a minority and there's no evidence of this. Even if they are right and this is true in a tiny percentage of cases, what we do know for sure is that vaccinations have eliminated polio, whooping cough, smallpox and others deadly diseases. In countries where people do not vaccinate regularly, these diseases still exist. Not vaccinating children is irresponsible and potentially deadly.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    Reply
  6. Something Something
    June 20, 2012 • 3:21 am

    He needs to realise vaccinations ARE REAL and EFFECTIVE and they are one of the greatest advanced in medical science, and this was first discovered and originates from Muslims in turkey!

    Tell him to read about the Polio vaccine and how Polio was ERADICATED throughout the majority of the world because of vaccinations!

    The reason he has these ideas is because of fake conspiracy theories... -.- Tell him if he is intelligent and a sincere Muslim he wouldn't be committing the bad sins of treating his wife badly and potentially endangering his children!!

    Reply

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