Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What things should I forgive my husband for? Where should I draw the line?

whirlwind colors confused

Confusion

In a marriage, where should you draw the line of things you are willing to forgive your husband for?

I've been confused about this for sometime, and have been wondering what your intake might be.

I really hope I'll get insightful responses.

Jazakallahu Khayr

- Shaheedah


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12 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Each and every one of us have a line that once crossed, can either make us or break us. Problems within a marriage are common and many we can work though and overcome with hard work, patience and communication. So, to answer your question, the line should be drawn where you believe it should be drawn for yourself and your well being. I honestly don't think there is one line to be drawn for all as your line may be different than others.

    For example, some women might be able to look past their husbands talking on the phone to random woman and forgive them. Some women might be able to forgive their husband having an adulterous affair whilst others may not. I believe we all draw the line where it works best for us individually. My line is drawn at adultery. I can and will handle anything thrown my way but simply put, I am too good of a person to have to deal with a man who wanders.

    God willing you might get a better response from others regarding your question.

    Salam

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    1ST WE HAVE TO GET A CLEAR PICTURE OF THE NATURE OF THE FAULTS YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT-
    BRCAUSE THERE ARE MANY WAYS AND MEANS TO DO WRONG,IF THE HUSABND IS DOING WRONG IN SOME PARTICUALR LINE OR MANNER ITS DOMESTIC OR OUTSIDE THE HOUSE ETC AND IF IT IS ISLAMICALLY MAJOR OR MNOR SIN-

    THEN IT WILL BE EASY TO ANSWER-WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT YOUR PROBLRM IS ITS NOT POSSIBLE TO COME TO CONCLUSION AND GET AN ASNWER-
    HOPE YOU WILL CLARIFY THE NATURE OF -where should you draw the line of things you are willing to forgive your husband for?

    REGARDS
    ALI

  3. Salaams,

    I think you are asking a bit of a different question than what it seems. I think you are asking when you should extend trust to a spouse who has broken it.

    Forgiveness is something we can do no matter how many times we have been hurt. We can forgive someone for everything they've ever done against us, but that doesn't mean we should necessarily trust them again. Some people, if they continue to do the same offense over and over, show that they are not trustworthy- and trust is not an obligation.

    The real question is, do you trust your husband? Has whatever he's done made you feel he is so unreliable, so untrustworthy, that giving him "one more chance" seems like another emotional expense against you?

    If that's the case, is there anything he can do to earn your trust back? Counseling? Taking consequences? Proving himself to you in some way? Would he be willing to do whatever it took?

    If you think there is no hope, and you no longer trust him, then set some boundaries for yourself and your life and move forward with the guidance of istikhara and the pure noor that Allah places in the heart.

    If there is hope, then both of you should do whatever can be done to rebuild what trust is lost.

    After those things, forgiveness is a matter of letting go of the past, and learning from mistakes.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Where to draw the line? That's really up to you, though I should say that no woman should put up with physical abuse, being beaten, etc. That's unacceptable and no one should have to live in fear, pain and suffering.

    I'm with Najah, adultery would be a deal-breaker for me.

    Not practicing Islam? It would depend on my wife's intentions. If she intended to improve, or wanted to improve, then I would be patient.

    Drug or alcohol use? If it was a one-time thing I could forgive that. If my wife were addicted I could still deal with it if she were sincerely trying to recover. But if she was drinking or using drugs with abandon and with no plan for stopping, I wouldn't put up with that.

    For me as a man - and I think this is true for most men - respect is key. Even more than love or kindness, we men want to fee respected by our wives. If the respect is there then almost any problem can be worked out.

    For women, I think, kindness and communication may be paramount.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Salam Sister,
    Your question is somewhat vague as you do not specify whether you are talking about big issues or minor ones. Nevertheless, I think one answer could be that you should be as easygoing with your husband as you would like him to be with you. We all have inevitably deficiencies in our character, so we should always take a good look at our own selves before we start criticizing others. For myself personally, I would want my husband to strike a balance between tolerating whatever deficiencies I may have yet also using wisdom to help me grow and improve. If there was something I was doing that was completely unacceptable, I would want him to state this clearly but not necessarily put it in terms of "forgiveness."

    In my opinion, forgiveness is a tricky concept. Remember that forgiveness is ultimately from Allah SWT, and a person who does not seek forgiveness for his transgressions from Allah SWT first is unlikely to change the offending behavior in any meaningful way. Generally speaking, men and women think about apologies very differently, and women often feel disappointed when their husbands do not apologize for the wrongs they have committed. If you are not careful, this could turn into a power struggle as you attempt to force an apology out of your husband in order for him to be "forgiven." What you really want to look for instead is evidence of change. If you find your husband changing his behaviors for the better over a period of time, even if gradual, then this means he himself has recognized he was wrong and feels remorse over the behavior. With any human being, male or female, this is almost always a process and not something that occurs overnight, and most people like to go through this process at their own pace, without constantly being reminded of their shortcomings.

    Some issues are obviously quite serious and cannot be taken lightly. Above, Br. Wael mentioned the "three As" (Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction), as talk-show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger used to call them. These are three major red lines that may result in the deterioration of a marriage if they are pushed or crossed by either spouse. Even if you choose to have compassion for an addicted spouse, for example, it is often better and safer to live apart while that person seeks out treatment. This is also certainly the case with abuse as you were not created to be the object of another person's frustration and anger. You should always have your dignity in a marriage; otherwise you will not be able to sustain a loving relationship with your spouse.

    What I think all married people need to keep in mind is that living with a spouse is very much like living with any other family member. If you think of all your various family members and their different shortcomings, you will realize that you probably tolerate quite a lot when it comes to your siblings, parents, and others. You know their quirks and habits and make excuses for them when they say or do something annoying. I think we are able to do this so easily with our closest family members because we are born into a particular environment and simply adapt. With a spouse, though, we enter into a new environment, and so it takes us time to adjust. Due to the nature of the relationship, however, we need to do our best to leave the power struggles aside and allow the other person to be him or herself. When people feel this level of comfort and safety with their spouses, they begin to open up, and that's when real and meaningful communication occurs.

    • ASSLAMALAIKUM
      'AMEL
      I REQUEST HER TO TELL WHAT PROBLEM SHE IS HAVING WITH HER HUSBAND AND ON WHAT ISSUE SN=MALL AOR BIG AS YOU TOLD LET HER REPLY THEN WE CAN ANSWER INSTEAD WRITTING A LOONG PAGE WITHOUT KNOWING HER SUBJECT OF ENQUIRY ITS WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY AS THIS IS BLIND GOING IN HER PASAGE WE DONT KNOW -draw the line of things you are willing to forgive your husband for?????????????????????????????????????/

  6. I have submitted my post. Please let me know how I will hear back. Thank you.

  7. I appreciate your help and look forward to hearing back!

    Jazak Allah Khair.

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