Islamic marriage advice and family advice

When your child leaves Islam and becomes an atheist

Confused girlAssalamo Alaikum. Our 26 year old daughter whom we love very much, recently told my husband and I that she had left Islam a few months ago to become an Atheist. She said she had been thinking about doing for some time especially after reading the Quran. You can imagine the shock and upset this has caused us.

She has had a lot of health issues to deal with in the last few years and also informed us that she had been molested by a cousin some time ago. On the whole, she is a lovely and generous person who is loved by so many.

he has also informed us that she will marry whomsoever she chooses and that she will raise her children in the manner that she wishes. We have even given her permission to find a nice boy who will be willing to commit to Islam and pleaded with her that she raises any children that Allah SWT gives her in an Islamic manner. Our tears and pleading has not made any difference.

I can only imagine what she must have gone through to make this devastating decision. PLEASE help us to bring her back to the path of Islam, such a beautiful religion. Any advice and duas are welcome. Jzk Khair.

- Mizan

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11 Responses »

  1. Asalamualikum sister

    I sincerely pray to Allah azawajal, to bring her back to the path of Islam. But what it is, is that everything is to do with right upbringing. Now don’t loose hope in Allah’s mercy for he is the most merciful. Praying, making dua And having patience is the only way to open the door of comfort and everlasting peace. And make sure to have the best of manners and having the best of characteristic can influence someone. Like there is a saying “sometimes actions and attitude, talks more than words”
    So inshaAllah I pray for your daughter that Allah make her among the righteous and pious people.

    Read this dua sincerely every time after the last 3rd of the night (tahajjud) before fajr azzan (time)
    “O Allah, I hope for your mercy, do not leave me for even the duration of an eye blink and correct my total
    Condition, beside you there is none worthy of worship”

    • Dear Sister

      My condolences.Really sad to know about your daughter.
      Please don’t lose hope, positive thing is she told you about it. Now you can make a lot of Duas. Don’t underestimate the power of DoaS especially a mother’s Doa..Make Doas late night when Allah is closest to us. Allah know how much, your daughters decision is hurting you.
      It’s not your fault you might have been the best of parents to your daughter & she would still have gone stray.
      There are quite few people who after becoming Atheist, has returned to Islam and have become scholars. InshaAllah your will revert back to islam , don’t give up on her, no matter what. Look after her as you mentioned she has health issues- concentrate on her getting better both physical and psychological health, without talking about her being “Atheist”.Surah kauser is know to be quite beneficial if recited in her presence if possible ?be there for her., be the loving parents but continue with your doa Ayet- shifa recite on her..

      Consider it a test- increase your Nafill SalaH ..SalaH & SeBer will help you InshaAllah. May Allah have mercy on her. May your daughter be the comfort of your eyes and be the reason to elevate your status in Jannah ..

  2. Seems to me that you as the parent have had a lot to do with her decision to abandon Islam. She reported being abused by a cousin, you haven't told us what action you have taken about it. This might explain her health problems she has been suffering. You haven't said what you have done about the cousin. Its most likely you have done nothing and have let her down. If she told you about the cousin, she wanted something done about it, and if you haven't done anything, you have failed her.

    You need to think about the turmoil and torment she has gone through being abused by her cousin. You should have stood up for her, this nasty b*****d should be in prison, but I bet you did nothing so as to keep relationships going.

    You have failed her which has led her to abandoning all hope, including hope in Allah.

    You need to wake up and smell the coffee. You are to blame and its you that needs to change.

    • Brother rather than using harsh word use Encouraging word so that at least she knows that there are people who will pray for her. I can understand where you coming from I mean yes they should have done something about that but even prophet Mohammed (pbuh) tried his best to get Abu lahab and Abu jahal to come to Islam, they tormented prophet Mohammed (pbuh) so many time yet he didn’t retaliate in any form of way in fact he used to Encourage them more so yh

  3. Shafiul Choudhury: Your comment that "But what it is, is that everything is to do with right upbringing" is not true. A person can be brought up in the best environment with the best parents and as an adult make poor decisions. Some people from excellent, loving Muslim homes get involved in all kinds of haram behavior. At the same time, there are many people who have grown up in dysfunctional troubled households who decided they are not going to live the way they grew up and become outstanding parents, friends and citizens.

    Hussain: It is obvious that the moderators are away from their desks right now. Your comment is quite ridiculous, especially since you do not have the important details of the circumstances of the daughter's abuse and when the daughter revealed the abuse to her parents. If abuse takes place and a parent never knows of it, there is no way anyone -- even the victim -- should hold the parents responsible. Without knowing the background of someone, how they may have grown up and what personal experiences that may have shaped them as an adult, it is unfair to blame a parent for their child leaving Islam. Keep in mind that it may have been the judgmental, unintelligent comments like yours that may have lead the young woman to leave Islam.

    I sincerely believe you should edit your response or in the very least apologize to the concerned parent for telling them "you have failed her which has led her to abandoning all hope, including hope in Allah. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. You are to blame and its you that needs to change.

    Insha Allah, we will all grow in being better able to handle problems without being rude to one another. Negative, judgemental responses to questions about basic problems often result in people learning to avoid such conversations, continuing to live with troubling issues and never finding relief or answers to life challenges.

  4. RosesRoses

    The daughter informed her parents that she had been molested by a cousin some time ago. Surely you're not suggesting that kind of behaviour should be overlooked if it was not recent?

    Why do you think the daughter mentioned the abuse to the parents if not for the fact that she is tormented by it. Its not something easy to tell someone. The daughter told her parents and there is no mention of what they have done about it if anything.

    Telling her parents was a cry for help and it seems the parents have done nothing from what I can gather. It does not matter if the abuse took place a long time ago, something still needs to be done about it.

    Its the parents failure to do something about the abuse, even if a long time ago, that has played a part in their daughter's outlook on things. Sometime people need to be told they too are at fault and not just the other person. It's not very clever for you to suggest otherwise.

  5. Sister,

    You are in a tough situation and I will keep you in my duas and your daughter as well. Muslims leaving Islam happens a lot in this day and age. It is positive that your daughter told you as many children hide their feelings from their parents. She must have struggled with the thought of disclosing it to you. Sometimes no matter what we do as parents, things are out of our control. There are many outside influences and personal experiences that shape a person.

    I think you need scholarly advise on how to proceed. There are great scholars right here in America (if this is where you reside) that can hopefully guide you. There is seekers hub and zaytuna institute who have well renowned scholars. Please search the internet for these ulema. If you are overseas maybe you can find someone more locally.

    Duas to you sister and for your husband. May Allah answer your dua and help you find someone who can help you.

    -Your sister in Islam.

  6. Dear sister,

    I'll type to you the way that I wish I could speak with my mother. I am also a 26 year old female who has decided to leave Islam. I was once an athiest but now have become spiritual. I believe in the existence of something higher than us but not in the sense that every religion states it's existence. I promsie I'm not your daughter; my parents are both illiterate and would never use such a site because they are more culturally religious than they are islamically religious.

    If you were my mom I would tell you that the best way to help me is to be there for me. Don't treat me badly just because I refuse to pray. Don't force me to pray because I gurantee you I'm praying just to get you off my back and I don't actually mean my prayer. Don't blame yourself for it, you did nothing wrong despite the childhood traumas you and dad caused me, this was still my choice. Don't ask me what's wrong with me and don't tell me what a bad daughter I am because mom, I am an aching soul, desperately trying to look for acceptence and comfort somewhere. I still want to laugh with you and I still want you to love me even though I no longer practice. I don't want to practice Islam anymore, but if you disown me, I will lose my anchor. I can't say I will never practice Islam again because change is bound to happen, but if I ever decided I want to join again, I know that the door is always open because you have always been there for me. Please don't ever close this door.

    Please don't leave your daughter regardless of her choices and even if she never comes back.

  7. Assalamo Alaikum to all the brothers and sisters who have replied to me. Jzk Khair for all the advice (minus the explicit!).

    The abuse I mentioned has been dealt with in accordance to how our daughter wanted us to deal with it. That is not to say that she is still not suffering but Insha Allah, it will get better with time and counselling.

    Her health issues are being dealt with by physicians - please pray for a complete recovery.

    As a family, we have not abandoned her. She is still at home with us and we make sure that we still have a laugh together. We continue to listen to the Quran on the radio (even more so now in Ramadan). She joins us for Iftar and helps prepare the food, etc. Her illness prevents her from fasting.

    I have increased my duas, am praying more nafls, continue to donate in sadaqah jariyah and have started to pray the Tahujjud in the night.

    We are a very close family so her actions do hurt but my husband says Insha Allah, she will return to Islam - I have full faith in my husband and in Allah SWT.

    Sister Anon 94 - your kind words are very soothing and reassuring and I now have a better understanding with what is happening. I pray for you and my daughter.

    Your sister in Islam.

  8. AoA,

    Surely the toughest of all trials to go through if your are a sincere Muslim; is to see your children abandon the deen.

    On the one hand, your child has hurt you, turned away from an aspect of your life and being that you hold as dear as life. You feel rejected, and you want them to know the fullest extent of your hurt.

    On the other, you want to love them back into Islam. The difficulty is if you do this you feel as though the child can glaze over or forget about your pain, feeling as you are condoning and accepting their decision. This probably results in the child feeling at ease to think "My parent support me, accept me.".

    There aren't many people who can do this. Maybe you should take solace from when Allah says he burdens a soul with what they can bear, which means you can come through this closer to Allah, and endure it, but it might be without yur daughter.

    My opinion is that one thing is for sure if you turn your back on her the risk of losing her for good is greater.

    It is difficult to know what advice to give. I can only suggest you increase your closeness to Allah and his Rasul (SAW), create a wholesome Islamic environment in your home that you and the rest of the (believing) family feel at ease with in practising their deen.

    Then let your daughter know that despite her views yours is still a Muslim household and she must respect your way of life, that you will not tolerate outward forms of un-Islamic behaviour. It is still your house. I don't mean to say establish a draconian set of rules, but I mean have a wholesome Islamic tone and routine in the house to establish your ground, but be gentle.

    Do not be afraid to voice your hurt but do so subtly. I think it is important to them them know that you can never condone, nor forget the pain they have caused you. But I would perhaps ask her to forgive you,sincerely for anything you have done to make to turn away from Islam, or have hurt her.

    I think, perhaps, implementing these steps might give you hope, and give her a rope back. Although it is the hardest way, it is perhaps the most beautiful way to address your issues.

    I really pray your daughter and everyone one of us find true imaan.

    And also, there are a number of people who say the come back to Islam based on kindness shown to them, reminded of what they have left behind.

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