Islamic marriage advice and family advice

White British male atheist 42 wanting Muslim girl 22

Atheist, atheism cartoon

I am a white British man aged 42, an athiest and working as a senior manager for local government.  I am seperated from my wife and have two lovely children.

Six months ago I took on a beautiful 22 year old Bangladeshi girl to train within my team, for me it was like love at first sight!  Over the six months I have got to know her much more and I have taken her on little trips and meals outside of work time. I know how I feel for her, but I am not sure how all of this ties in with her culture, family and religion?

I would not want to put too much pressure on her, but love is love, irrespective of age, religion or culture.

What are your perspectives on this type of relationship?

- Tony

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

7 Responses »

  1. Peace be with you, tony999,

    I will be as simple and straight as I can.

    1. She is muslim, she only can marry a muslim man.
    2. She is not alloud to go out with a man alone, dating is not alloud in Islam.
    3. You are already damaging her, getting so close to her.
    4. Your love is no so innocent, you are 20 years older than she is. She could be your daughter.
    5. If you really loves her, stop dating her, if she falls in love with you, your love will be a neverending source of struggles for both of you, specially for her, take your time to learn about her culture, religion and family. Being Atheistic, ... a muslim family will never accept you.

    After reading this phrase "love is love, irrespective of age, religion or culture" I really would encourage you to read a bit of this site, what kind of Love are you talking about? This is really a test to see which kind of love you feel for her. Selfish, Unconditional or any other kind of Love, ...you know what is in your Heart.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Tony, I agree with Maria 100%. The best thing you can do for this girl is to stop trying to date or romance her, and back off. I don't think the age difference is necessarily a problem - as you said, love cuts across boundaries - but the real life obstacles make this relationship impossible and potentially damaging.

    Everything Maria said is correct. A Muslim woman is not allowed to date or have romance or relationships outside of marriage, and a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man. Furthermore you are already married, even if separated. And this girl's family will never approve of you. This is a total dead-end.

    Maybe - and this is a very slim maybe - if you converted to Islam and finalized your divorce, then approached her family with a proposal, they would agree. But it's very unlikely.

    If you continue trying to woo her her family finds out, it will cause terrible problems for her at home.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Tony sir
    Your love you have for this girl doesn't really make sense. This thing people called "love in first sight" in my opinion is nonsense, because love at first sight isn't love its just an attractions towards how she looks like. You had fallen in love with her looks not with her personality at the first place. So this isn't quite love. Im not going to repeat what wael and maria has said because im with them 100%. Your not a muslim and so that means she can't marry you, even if you change into a muslim, you must change for the sake of Allah swt not because of her. You must cut contact with her and leave her alone before you cause problems for her, if you really love her you won't cause her problems. Dating is not allowed in our religion so i suggst to leave her And by the way you have explained it sounds like you don't even know her at all, who knows she could be engaged or taken etc etc leave her i suggest. Only way you and her can be is the way wael has explained above but i do agree it may be very unlikey.

  4. Dear Tony

    Please do not destroy this girls future. You may not be doing it to her intentionally but this is what will happen to her future if you continue this relationship with her. You've mentioned that she's muslim. Her parents would definetly not accept you'lls relationship. She would only have to break-off all ties with her family if she were to go along with this. She would only regret this later. This is just current infatuation which she could be experiencing. Remember love is blind-marriage is an eye opener. I beleive that for a marriage to work the couple should be practising the same religion. When you start having problems later on in life you don't rember how much you loved her and how you spent that time going out for meals. The only thing you faced with is the problem itself and you don't know how to solve it.

    Tony I suggest that you read some of the posts on this website. Everybody starts off by falling in love but later on problems do arise. I believe that by far religion is one of the biggest issue that creates a problem in marriage. If you'll decide to get married and have children. Who would the children follow. Would you want your children following her religion or vice versa?

    You also have to realize this women is 20 years younger than you. Her family might not accept this. Look you could be a decent guy but her parents might fear for her safety. I'm not going to sound funny or anything but how would this look in public? Are you willing to put up with public criticism? You have two kids, this women doesn't. She has no experience with kids if you planning on looking after them.

    The indian culture is also different to the british culture in terms of the way people marry, dress, food and the list could on. But I'm not going to elaborate on these. The biggest issue is the fact that she is muslim and that a relationship with her is impossible since she is MUSLIM and islam does not accept marriage to an atheist.

    Rumaysa

  5. Tony, i am catholic not muslim, bit even if i was an atheist or a buddhist or an anarchist i would have the same opinion. you are a pervert! if she was my relative you would have to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon that specializes in fat lip repairs after i sock one to you! it is people like you that give westerners a bad name in islam- STAY AWAY FROM HER PLEASE! allow her to keep her innocence intact for marriage under the auspices of her faith, family and community!

    • Justa,

      What a rude and highly immature comment to make. Why are you calling this man a pervert? Just because there is a 20 year age difference? Islam does not discriminate on age at all. If two people are mentally mature and attracted to one another for the sake of Allah, there is no wrong in them pursuing marriage in a halaal manner. And why would you resort to violence? That shows even more immaturity in your way of thinking.

      Tony asked a question on this website because he genuinely does not know what to do and I thank him for having the sincerity to seek advice. He received some sensible replies, and I think you should read through them in order to learn some general manners and etiquettes for when offering advice.

      Tony, I agree with the previous comments in that you should leave this Muslim girl alone as her world is a completely different one. Your are already married and now separated, perhaps you are seeking comfort in this girl when really you need to try and re-kindle the lost love in your current marriage. At times when one feels so low, anything else will seem attractive, almost like a holiday romance, it glitters and then fades very quickly. Apart from that, the fact remains that you are still married and are atheist. The girl you love is Muslim. Its an Oil and Water relationship. Unless as Wael suggested that you look into Islam and genuinely accept it. This would mean changes (but good changes) in your life, so accepting Islam genuinely is not just lip service, its a way of life. Being in love can blind a person and cloud judgement, so try to if possible step back and look objectively.

      ***

      I know a born Muslimah in her mid 20's, she is not fully practising, in that she does not observe hijab or always pray five times a day, at the same time she doesnt drink or have sexual relations outside of marriage either. She believes that her choice of religion is the right one and that she wants to improve in her religion aswell. She is also an intelligent, head strong girl who will not base choices of marriage purely on butterflies in her belly. She has met a non-Muslim man at work who is considerably older than her, she likes his character and he is willing to look into Islam with a view to accepting it in order to marry this girl. So he has truly opened his heart to Islam, he understands and accepts the rituals but still has many questions and still does not believe. This girl's brother is a striving practising man and so is trying to make the best of the situation infront of him. So instead of yelling at his sister, he has taken her under his wing and is working with the non-Muslim man she wants to marry. The non-muslim man meets with the girl's brother weekly to learn about Islam, he will not accept Islam until he feels it is the right thing to do - which is promising because it is clear that he is intelligent enough to understand that this is a life long committment, not just 'lip service' to get his own way. The girl's father is completely against the idea, even if the man was to revert; but the girl has her brother fully helping and supporting her; this makes a world of difference. This Muslim girl is so blessed to have such a brother, one who has a sound heart, is a practising Muslim and supports and helps her - I pray that every Muslim woman is blessed with such a brother.

      The reason why I have told you this is because:

      - I want you to understand the importance of reverting to Islam 'sincerely';
      - I also want you to stand back and look at how mentally mature this Bengali girl really is? Does she understand her own religion? Because if she does not now, she most probably will at some point and this may cause problems for you both if you have not accepted Islam sincerely;
      - Family support is very important, does she have an intelligent supportive, practicing Muslim family? The practising Muslims are usually the one's who are more open minded;

      These are just a few points for you to think about. If you do not understand these points, I believe that your foundation for a healthy relationship with this Muslim girl is very weak and you should leave it and walk away now.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  6. Hello all,

    As I am also aware of the implications of the basic religious requirements when it comes to this particular topic (not only dating atheist alone but also dating anyone outside the Islamic faith).

    I just wish all could be easy for everyone to integrate together regardless of their faith in terms of dating, but not the case. Obviously families can be a big factor for intervening between the couples, which causes more problems. Even if they are not religious, any parent would want to know who their child is dating before approving it.

    I can understand from Tony999's situation, but all I could say is, set aside your love and feelings and just understand the implications it could cause to you and to her, then finally see what the end result is. If her parents approve that you could marry her then good news, all will be fine. If not, then you just have to accept that this relationship will not materialise and move on.

    I can, however say that there are married couples out there where no conversion took place. E.g: Robin Van Persie (Arsenal football player) is married to a Dutch-Morrocan beauty who IS a Muslim and he is NOT (I know a lot out there like to twist the stories around about this, but I want to clarify that he is not). They have 2 lovely kids together also. He said something like (but not the words I put it) he is: not muslim, but brought up liberally and that he wouldn't follow the faith just for the sake of pleasuring his wife and that it has to come from the heart. His quest is to just be a good man.

    From the above factual example, it shows that a relationship could work regardless of faith and seems that they are getting on really well.

    My only problem for them is the future - his wife may later in life take her religion more seriously which could jepordise their relationship. If she really believes in God with accordance to the Koran, then she would fear him for that matter in realising that she married a non-muslim. However, if she rejects the idea that God literally puts it that way, then God CAN'T be that cruel. A loving God should allow one to love another.

    I do have Muslim friends and friends of other faiths who are good people. In fact, my friendship cirlcle is very multicultural so I do not discriminate anyone whatsoever.

    As I am brought up in a Buddhist family, I find myself quite liberal and rejecting the idea of a superior being, supposedly, "created" by man. No evidence for the existence of God = there probably is no God at all. But please do not let this discourage you or even question the existence of him as no one can prove or disprove it.

    Overall, in my opinion, I believe that all the holy books are not the literal words of God. The reasoning for this is because I reject the idea that the forbiddence of not able to do certain things that are yet harmless (e.g: the above topic) must be the norm of our lives.

    We have to understand that we are only humans who are prone to making mistakes and not brought up as machines. From birth, should just be taught the golden rule of thumb of right from wrong and morals, and not from the holy books.

    I am also in a similar situation as Tony, but the situation is more reversed. I know a muslim girl also, who is of Arabic/British descent. Her father is Arabic and mother is British (who converted to Islam some time later, AFTER getting married). I guess it is ok because it is a Muslim man who has that apparent advantage to marry a non-muslim.

    I am in my mid 20s and 5-6 years older than her. However, she likes me for who I am, my personality and not my looks to which I respect her for. I like her also. She started to like me from the moment we started talking to each other because we share the same views (not religiously) generally, have particular interests in common and talk comfortably together about anything.

    But in my mind, I know the implications of this because of her religion, so I try not to develop any feelings for her. I have already discussed this with her already saying, I will stick with my way of thinking and do not intend to convert to Islam whatsoever as I do not believe in its ways literally (goes to all other abrahamic religions as well). I only accept the basic morals (no stealing/killing etc and be nice. I will not be sucked into loving a girl first to be persuaded/manipulated, being caught in that moment, to be pressured into converting to Islam. Often the case in the minority.

    But overall, for her as a Muslim young lady, it will be far more harder for her to be with a non-muslim. Currently, we will see what happens from here as I am willing to give this the benefit of the doubt. As I haven't yet expressed my thought to her, my thought is that I am prepared for the outcome so that if it does not work out (disapproval from her parents), I could easily move on with my life with no hard feelings. If she really has feelings for me, then she will be the one who will be hurt.

    I feel that one should keep their beliefs privately to oneself and not impose it on others. If we set religion aside like this, then having a good relationship will have no problems. Just the typical litte arguments with each other which is normal. Everyone argues =) Not where one follow a faith, their partner must also follow suit. Just remember, we're only human beings. Let this relationship be.

    So Tony, as I assume you already are aware/ understand the implications of your situation, it would be best for you to prepare for the outcome of any bad news. Overall I wish you the best of luck. Stay mentally strong mate.

Leave a Response