Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Worried what my parents will think about white Muslim husband-to-be?

Islam strictly prohibits Racism on any basis

Assalamu Alaikum,

I'm from the UK and I need some Islamic advice on marriage. I am not going to make it long so basically, I met this guy when I was 16 and he was 18 and he is white and recently converted to Islam. We met each other through our friends; we used to hang out and that's how we met really.

We started speaking to each other through e-mail which meant we got to know each other more and more, but it was nothing intimate, then our friendship grew and we started hanging out more and I started helping him out with prayers from the Qu'ran and any Islamic help he needed etc. Well, its been about a year now that we have been still speaking and our relationship has grown a lot closer since we first spoke and have sort of fell in love silly; yes! I know but its true.

We are both positive its not lust so instead of doing the wrong, we are planning on getting married some time soon or at least engaged because then we are not doing anything haram and our relationship will be halal.

But because he's British and white I am certain my family will not accept him and I believe its a stupid reason for not accepting somebody, he's an amazing guy and a good Muslim. I just wish there was a way that I could be able to convince them, because I am certain they will not accept him in without a doubt.

Also, another reason why I think they might not accept is because I am only 16 and he is 19 and I have only just started my A levels and they'd want me to finish my education first. But it says in the Quran if you can marry than you should right? Problem is I don't disagree with the age and wanting to finish my education I understand totally from my parents view its just we both know what we are doing is haram like meeting up. Although, we are not doing anything wrong but it is still haram; therefore, we don't want to be in a haram relationship especially one that we know is and we'd prefer if we got married to make it lawful.

He has also done istikhara couple of times and he said everytime he has done it, it lead him to me, and he wants to marry rather than us break up. His planning to move to Saudi inshallah in a years time to become a scholar, and wants me to come with him.

But, I am also worried because marriage is a big thing and I don't want to jump into it so fast; I would prefer to get married at 18 because its a reasonable age and my parents will be more understanding. But he is insisting on this he says we are both doing haram here and it can not continue like this, which I agree so we decided I either tell my parents or we break up and thats the end of us.

It really hurts me because I am scared because I feel like I know what my parents answer is going to be and my father would do anything to keep me away from him and I mean anything he'd even move me out of the country, and if that happens I would never be able to see him again. He has already spoken to the local Imam and he advised him that I speak to my parents as soon as possible and if there is anything wrong he is more than willing to come and help.

The problem is, I need to find some courage to go and speak to my father, its hard and he doesn't quite understand that bit. My father still see's me as a little girl and going to him at the age of 16 and saying I want to marry whilst my brother is 20 and he still hasn't said that would shock the life out of him.

I have already spoken to my mother and she doesn't really seem to understand she is more trying to push me away from him, saying you're too young don't fill your head with all this stress and how it most probably not going to work out etc. His past isn't great at all but since he converted to Islam he has changed into a completely different person, his family are Christians but his two younger brothers aren't they have also converted to Islam.

The problem I have is that his past and family will stop my parents from accepting him. It's really hard for me and I need to speak to both my parents either tonight or tomorrow because if we keep the Imam waiting he may think we are not as serious as we really are. I love this guy and he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life because he is good for me, my religion and also inshallah my life to come, at the moment he is not financially able to support me so that's sort of a problem. We haven't had the prefect relationship but then again every relationship has its issues but at the same time it doubts me a little whether these silly mistakes that happen will continue to happen when we marry or if we marry?

Also we are both very nervous about telling my parents because not only we are both sure they will deny him but I don't know how to tell them; I am scared of their reaction, or shall I say more terrified than scared. My parents are really strict and follow their traditions/culture so its going to be hard, so I don't know how to begin or what to begin with?

Also I want to know what happens if my parents refuse no matter what how hard we try to convince them, could we still get married? I am in need of advice as soon as possible so anything will be helpful at this stage.

JZAKALLAH KHAIR,

Muslim Sister.

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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam Muslim sister,

    You are Alhamdulillah young yet well-knowledged. As much as it si going to be hard for you, you need to get up and go tell your father and then inshaAllah take it from there.

    Your parents or no one can force you to marry someone that you do not want to. So first, tell your parents everything that you have shared here with us. Then if they do not accept then try to convince them to at least meet the guy and allow your parents to do a thorough research about this guy. but if they still refuse your choice of marriage, then accept your parents' wishes until you complete your university degree and then inshaAllah by the age of 21 you will not only be considered as an adult but also youself become wiser with your experinces in life- this would mean break all the contacts with this guy now .

    And InshaAllah, once you complete your degree then if the guy is still single and interested to marrying you then let your parents know that you are still keen to marry this guy. And if your parents still rejects your choice then see if your brother is willing to become your wali and if your brother turns you down then I guess an imaam can become your wali to tie your nikah contract with this guy.

    And sister, as you know you cannot keep secret relationship with this guy and even if you do get engaged with this guy, you cannot meet up with him alone or talk to him alone- your family needs to be aware of your daily relationship activity until you are completely married to this guy.

    I hope everything goes well with you.

    Parveen
    -x-

  2. Dear Muslim Sister,

    it sounds like your parents are reasonable people. Remember that it does not matter if your husband is white, black or purple. What matters is that he is muslim and he is good to you. The Quran states, "we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know each other." In our current era where the concept of a global community is more prevalent than ever, we as muslims have forgotten this poignant statement. It really means so much, if you take the time to ponder over it.

    Insha'Allah,your parents, and all muslim parents living in the west, will recognize that your husband's skin colour, culture or nationality should not and must not be a bar to your marriage.

    THAT BEING SAID, I'm now going to play the bad cop. You are 16 years old. You have approached your friendship with this person with maturity. But I agree with your father that you are a child. You say that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Do you really know what life is? At this age, how can you possibly know what you want out of life?

    I do feel that what you have is a crush. And this man, as nice and good as he may be, is only 19 and likely does not know what he wants out of life either. If Allah SWT has destined the two of you to be husband and wife, then it will happen. Life is harsh; relationships can be brutal and you have to work so hard to keep them alive, to keep them running smoothly, and to force them to flourish above life's tribulations. Have the two of you discussed finances? Have you discussed when you will have children and how they will be raised? Have you discussed wheter the two of you will each continue to pursue your respective educational paths after marriage? Have you discussed the impact that elderly parents will have on your marriage in the future? Is this boy capable of paying for your journey to Saudi and is he capable of paying for your living expenses while there? My hunch is that you have not even considered these things -- and these things are all significant stressors in a marriage if they are not dealt with properly. And only adults can deal with them properly.

    Think about it. Finish your education. Let him do what he has to in Saudi and ensure that he is able to support you financially. Then, if Allah wills, he will come back to your family and discuss marriage.

    Maryam,
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. Assalamu Alaikum Parveen and Maryam,

    Thank you both so much for you advice Parveen, I managed to find the courage to speak to my parents after posting my question as it had to be done sooner or later. Of course both of them were shocked and surprised, as I expected the answer was no. My father was pleased that id come and spoke to him, he told me “there comes a point in everyone’s life where they think they’ve met the one, he said look the same happened to me and your mother but we ended up together it’s just a part of life, when you finish university and your old enough and have the knowledge I won’t come in your way and I will allow you to marry whoever you may please, but for now I want you to cut all contact with this boy I don’t want to hear about this or anything like this again until you finish university.”

    I tired convincing them but they just kept on about my age and that I need to finish my education before anything, he refused to meet him, which I know would have been a good idea so he’d see what a good person he is and maybe discuss marrying me at a more appropriate time but he insisted he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore, so I just stopped.

    After speaking to my parents I spoke to him and I told him everything he was pretty down and he said keep trying. A couple of weeks passed and we hardly spoke and then I met him one day to sort this out for definite, we ended up parting he said “your parents aren’t willing to accept me what’s the point, and you can’t go against their will and we can’t continue like this its haram”, which I agreed upon it but I was so emotional I didn’t understand I kept saying to him why can’t you wait I know I’m asking for much but if you really love me, surely waiting would not be a problem but something you’re willing to do.

    At that point then I realised why I am I begging for him to stay if its love and its meant to be then Allah (swt) it will make happen sooner or later, so I left it as that but we promised we’d continue to help each other practice our deen since we are the only people who are able to encourage each other to do more and more which was good because the more we practiced the more we felt closer to Allah (swt) and at the same time gain useful knowledge.

    I did not meet him alone as I knew that was haram my mother was there and they also spoke, once I left him my heart was shattered I couldn’t stop crying for nights, it was crazy, I guess at some point I had to realize that some people can stay in your hearts but not your life, it was so sad, my mother had never seen me like this she was so worried, so I sucked it up and hid my feelings and just tried my best to forget about the whole situation.

    A few days later he text me a hadith, I ignored and did not reply back, 3 weeks have passed since we parted and he has been sending me hadiths I ignored all of his texts but It’s not what I want to do it’s so hard! I’d never give up on him I’d wait but If his not willing to wait then that’s it an that’s final even though I know it’s going to break me I’d rather get on with practicing me deen becoming closer to Allah(swt) and inshallah time heals all and ill move on.

    I know 16 is a young age, I know I’m not ready for marriage yet there’s still more things I need to learn out of life to know what I really want. I know it may seem like a little crush or lust between us, but it’s not I know it sounds very unrealistic and possibly stupid I know but it’s true. You’re very right Maryam we jumped into this marriage conclusion so fast before thinking deep, especially financially. I’m going to let him do what he has to do in life and if he loves me then he’d be able to wait till we marry if not then it wasn’t meant to be really, so I’ll move on with my life, repent to Allah, and continue to increase my knowledge in Islam.

    JazakAllah Khair,
    Muslim sister x

    • AS Sister I am a little busy these days, so I can't write a long and wholely coherent response but a fwe things to think about

      1) In ANY situation, I always push the view that the person should at least have their college degree and a year of work experience. I mean you are 16! At 16 I was at the top of my class, but my achievements were nothing, taking AP/IB/A level tests and being on the high school wresetling team, and volunteering? What does all that factor into in the real world though, past college admissions? Not much.

      Life moves so fast, I was that age in what I feel days ago, but you learn so much. Write now you have a romantic notions about life. Trust me when you work a year, living independently. pay bills, make food, go shopping, commuting, that without any responsibilities of family. you will KNOW what it is like to live life outside of school. All I'm saying is, you don't nearly have enough experience to know the kind of limitations marraige could put on your life right now (ie, you have kids and a husband, you have to cook, this could get in the way of your own goals, healthwise career wise ETC)

      2. This might be a little philosophical, and I WISH someone wrote an article about this, but think about the difference between love and lust in the WEST and then Islamically. Islamically what you're experiencing right now I think is more close to lust, that is to say a good husband in Islam in addition to being religious, and a good character is also a good provider and mantainer, and at 18, in the West, I doubt any man truly has that. At 22, I was a year old bulge bracket investment banking analyst with a salary of $200k+, multiples more than most people earn in the US, BUT I had to work 100 hours weeks for it. That is to say, I could not be a provider for a family even when I had the money as I didn't have the time. So you need to find someone who has the middle ground. A stable career with good prospects, a stable vision, a stable education and good deen, but you can't make these considerations in isolation of one another.

    • Dearest Muslim sister Salaam,
      So nice to see your reply 🙂
      May Allah (swt) bless you with so much happiness and success in this life and in the hereafter. I am at work right now 🙁 but inshaAllah once I get home I may write more. And all in all you have made the right decision xxx

      Parveen
      -x-

  4. my comments are those who gave my islamic sister perveen may Allah help you

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