Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Whose decision takes precedence in selecting the groom – daughter’s or parent’s?


This question is related with my in-laws family. My sister-in-law is a doctor got in touch with a person on internet during an on-line Islamic discussion. This person is from Pakistan and works in Saudi Arabia as a Supervisor in a saudi construction company. My sister-in-law insisted her father to meet him once as both are interested to get married. Accordingly on a visit to Saudi for Umrah my father-in-law met this person and finally he along with other family members are not agreeing for this proposal, mainly due to different geographies and future concerns. My sister-in-law feels that Islam gives permission to marry of its own choice (provided he is a believer). Family is not forcing her to marry anyone, however trying to persuade her that this marriage is not the best choice due to different traditions, culture, geography and the relationship between two countries (India & Pakistan) is never healthy.

She argues that whats the guarantee that everything will go well with the person whom the parents choose and she says its Allah who knows the future and hence we shouldn't be worried about it whatever will be in my destiny it will happen by the will of Allah and none can divert it. And such arguement goes on. We advise her that when she is disobeying her parents she is actually going against Quran, however she argues that its about her right which Islam permits and her choice takes precedence over parents choice. This is my question; in Islam who takes precedence parents non acceptance of this proposal or girls' decision to marry with the person of her own choice regardless of it being approved by Parents.

Secondly Can Istikhara be done in such case? if yes, who should do it?

Tagged as: , , , , ,

4 Responses »

  1. HI alsalsmu Alaikum

    I thick choosing a girl the husband she wants doesnt considered dis-obeying parents.because it her right in Islam to choose the man whom she wants to be her husband.Islam has honored a muslim woman by giving her the right to choose her husband.Her parents have no right to force her marry whom she dislikes.The muslim women knows this right,but she does not reject the advice and guidance of her parents when a potential comes along because they have her best interest at heart,and they have more experience of life and people.At the same time she does not forego this right because of her parents wishes that it might make them force her to marry whom she dislikes.Because she is the one who is going to spend her rest of life with him if there is no love in a marriage it can never be successful.

    As the prophet himself had rule in such matters for example the report quoted by Imam Al-bukari from Al-kansah bint khidam

    (my father married me to his nephew and i did not like this match so i complained to the prophet(s.a.w).He said to me (Accept what your has arranged).She said(I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged)He said(Then marriage is invalid)go and marry whomever you wish.I said i have accepted what my father has arranged but i wanted women to know that fathers have no right to force marriage on their daughters.

    At first the prophet (s.a.w)told her to obey her father and this is as it should be,because the concern of the fathers to their daughters well-being is well-known.But when he realized that her father forced her to marry whom she dislikes he gave her the freedom to choose.and saved her from unwanted marriage.

    This proves that a muslim woman has the right to choose her life partner and whom she wants to be her husband.and it also shows that parents have no right against it as their place of parents.This is Allahs judgement so we must follow it.Allah has ask as to obey our parents but He gave us some issues in witch we can dis-obey them.

    And tell her to seek Allahs guidance and perform istiharah & ask Allah to choose for her the best.and may Allah bless you.

    • while it is true that forced marraiges are completely haraam, and invalid anyway, however, if one or both parents dont like a future spouse for their son,daughter has chosen, then i and the woman has the right to choose, it is best for their children to leave those spouses for the sake of pleasing their parents and marry a person who will please their parents.
      this will make the extended family a strong unit who help and support one another throught the trails of life.
      the parents will love their daughter in law as if she were their own daughter if they are pleased with the choice of their son.
      if my mum was to tell me or advice me to not marry a woman who is good in worship, manners and comes from a noble family, i would just leave her.

      the former Mufti of Saudi 'Abdill'azeez Ibn 'AbdAllah ibn Baaz [may Allaah have mercy on him]
      was asked by a younsger

      " am a young man who desires to get married and is financially/physically capable of getting married, and i have proposed to the family of a young pious, noble woman with good morals/manners who comes from a noble family, by my father dislikes/opposes me to marry her for whatever reason, what should i do Oh noble learned one?"

      Ibn Baaz "try marry the woman who will please your father"

      fataawa islamiyyah

      and this is comming from a man, who does not need a wali.
      and a virgin cannot marry/run away with anyone without her wali, father first and foremost.
      sister arch2001, ask Allaah to open the heart of that girl to help make the best choice with her.

      Allaah says we may like something, but it maybe that it is bad for you.

  2. Salaam sister,

    Ur sister in law needs to consider both proposals- though the internet guy requires a lot more investigation and would be a diifficult task too as she is not getting family support?!!! 🙁 whereas with the cousin one it is so much easier to gather information about him (i.e. His seriouness towards islam, his social interest, his sets of friends, his eating habits, his behaviour towards elderlys, youngsters and kids).

    Your sister needs to think about both brothers and see which one best fits with her of thinking and life. You never know by the end of investigating both guys, she may not like either.

    Marriage is one of the most important decision one can make in life. So please tell her to think about this phase of her life thoroughly before making any rush decision....

    Allah (swt) knows best.


  3. I sincerely agree with saja

Leave a Response