Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Shall I stay with my husband or listen to my family and leave him?

diverging paths


I am very confused on what I shall do. I got married 10 months ago to my boyfriend, both our families were against it as I fell pregnant before I got married. After I terminated my pregnancy, I forced my family to get me married to my husband, he left his family to marry me and my family broke all ties with me.

My mother and one of my sisters kept in touch with me a few months after to see if I was okay. Mine and my husbands relationship had been going well, apart from his anger issue. We started to have heated arguments a few months after we got married but I did not tell anyone. My husband has to go abroad every 6 months regarding his visa. This time he is going in July and does not want to leave me home alone and says he was worried about me.

So, he texted my sister to ask her if my mum could keep me for 6 days till he is away and as my family still dont trust him and think he only married me for my visa said no. He then had a heated argument with my sister and brother, after the argument he came home and said he is throwing me out of the house because my family doesn't care about me and nor does he. After he walked out, I was really upset and took lots antibiotics tablets. My husband rushed me to the hospital to make sure I was okay.

He said he was sorry for the way he spoke to me and treated me and said he was worried and that was the cause for his behaving like that. He also said to me I am not allowed to meet my family or even speak to them anymore. (My husbands family have started to meet him and he works with them in their business, and is also at home with them during the day.)

My family contacted me the next day and and my mum was asking me to leave my husband and she will support me always. She said to me that he is only with me for the visa and as soon as he gets the passport he will leave me. My sister contacted me and told me to do the same thing.

Now, I am very confused on what to do? My husband has refused to let me go to university, I'm not allowed to meet my friends. He goes out with his family to parties but I'm not allowed to go as his family haven't announced our wedding, they are waiting for his sister to get married as she is older than him.

I know my family don't want me to be with him because they don't like him and don't trust him, but I know he loves me, he cares for me so much. If I leave him, I gain my family back but if I choose him then I lose my family again. He said to me we will make it work, but I'm not sure. I don't know what I want? or don't know what to do?

Please help me, what is right islamically.


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9 Responses »

  1. AsSalamu'alaikum,

    My sister, do you realize that you have committed the grievous of sins? First of all, you committed fornication which has a prescribed punishment in Islam, which is 100 lashes. Secondly, you terminated your pregnancy which was resultant of this fornication. In this process, you murdered a soul which you had no right to kill. And Allah says in Surah Maaidah Aayah 32: "if anyone killed a person not in retaliation of murder, or (and) to spread mischief in the land - it would be as if he killed all mankind, and if anyone saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind."
    Thirdly, you broke ties with your family. Especially your parents. Do you know that Allah has mentioned obedience to parents just after His Right of Worship? In Surah al Baqarah, Aayah 83, Allah says: Worship none but Allah (Alone) and be dutiful and good to parents
    About breaking ties, Allah's Messenger Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam says: ´Allah created the universe, and when He had finished, kinship (rahm) stood up and said, ´This is the standing up of one who seeks Your protection from being cut off.' Allah said, ´Yes, would it please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?' It said, ´Of course.' Allah said, ´Then your prayer is granted."' Then the Prophet (s) said: ´Recite, if you wish: {'Then, is it to be expected of you, if you were put in authority, that you will do mischief, in the land, and break your ties of kith and kin? Such are the men whom Allah has cursed for He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.'} (Qur'an 47:22-23)" and the hadith is narrated by: (Bukhari and Muslim)

    Do you realize where you stand now? Apart from this, I doubt if your marriage was valid. Because if your parents were against it, then you wouldn't have had a Wali during the Nikaah, which is a very important condition for a valid Nikaah.

    If the Nikaah was not valid, then without any delay, you should leave this man and return to your parents, according to me. Otherwise, you may need a divorce to part from him.

    You say he loves you. Do you not think about your parents who raised you and were always there for you? You need to please your parents at any cost so that Allah does not remain Angry with you.
    The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Allah’s being pleased is in the parent’s pleasure, and His displeasure is in the parent’s displeasure.” [Sunan al-Tirmidhî (1899)]

    You need to beg your parents to forgive you for what you have done. Then seek Allah's forgiveness. And insha Allah, you will be forgiven. The simple answer to your question would be "Leave the man and return to your parents"

    May Allah make your parents forgive you and May He forgive you
    Muhammad Waseem

    • Muhammad, it's not up to you to judge the validity of the sister's marriage. How do you know she did not have a wali?

      Secondly, what is the basis for advising the woman to divorce her husband? It sounds like the he is not the best husband in the world, but there doesn't seem to be any abuse that would warrant divorce.

      It's a good suggestion for the sister to patch things up with her parents, but advising her to divorce her husband without cause is extreme and unwarranted.

      Wael Editor

      • Brother Wael, I did not judge the Nikaah to be invalid. If you read my comment, I said it was my assumption (I said I doubt if the Nikaah was valid). My advise was predominantly based on this. My advise could be wrong, it was my personal opinion.

        Muhammad Waseem

        • Asalaam alaikum,

          When she described his extreme possessive and controlling behavior as such...

          My husband has refused to let me go to university, I'm not allowed to meet my friends. He goes out with his family to parties but I'm not allowed to go as his family haven't announced our wedding, they are waiting for his sister to get married as she is older than him.

          ....makes me think that divorce with the additional issues may be a better avenue than staying with a husband who is making un-Islamic demands. It was the Holy Prophet who said that it is incumbent for Muslim men and women to attain knowledge. Furthermore, the cutting off of relations is haram unless there was a dire harm in keeping them.

          He also said to me I am not allowed to meet my family or even speak to them anymore.

          We know that even if the family are non-believers, it has been prescribed to keep relations with them. Therefore the husband's demands are out of the bounds of Islam. He either should take the higher spiritual road and stop arguing like a child, come to the realization that his wife has rights and that the family bridges need to mended, or allow her divorce.

          In this case, it does not matter so much what the family does, as he is answerble to Allah (swt), in the end.

  2. Salam,

    Well the validity of your nikkah depends on which madhab/school of thoughts you follow
    Since your family was against this marriage then i assume that they were not present during the religious ceremony, hence a non mahram acted as a wali.
    Therefore according to imam malik and imam hanbal, your nikkah would be invalid, but according to imam abu hanifa and imam shafi i think your marriage is valid.
    But we all agree that marriage is not just a union between two people but between two families and to get their blessing is so important and so much better.
    But now you are married and not very happy apparently because of all the tensions .
    The way your husband and his familly treat you (going to functions without you, and hidding your marriage from everybody else) is unacceptable . You are his wife , not his mistress.and he needs to change his ways.
    Your mother seems to love you and care for you and i believe she has her reasons to be against your marriage.
    But islamicaly you can't divorce your husband because your family ask you to., also we cannot judge your husband intentions(marrying you for visa) as we don't know him and he probably genuinely loves you.
    Keep the relationship with your mom .even if she gets upset still be kind to her and show her that you want to keep in touch.if anything happens to you in the future you will go to her to ask for assistance and help

    Keep on making duaa, Be patient and Allah will open a door for you.

    • Simply put and setting any school of taught aside, islamicaly, marriage without a wali is invalid. The wali is normally the parents of the girl. But any relative of the girl or a pious muslim brother (an imam or any religious brother) can take the position of her wali. So if the parents refused to be involved in the marriage due to some nasty reasons, then i would encourage her to go ahead with the marriage even without there permission. But if the parents have a genue reason for not involving in the marriage, then i would advice her to reconsider her thoughts and accept the parents offer.

    • Divorce should be the last resort. Going by the lady's post, the couple still love each other and they can try to work out things between them... She made it clear that some of his loopholes are as a result of his anger issue and that he still care for her alot.. So what i would suggest here is that she should try to work on the marriage one last time.. She should ask him why is he depriving her of furthering her education and depriving her of some of her 'ALLAH'S GIVEN rights and freedoms' ?? If he has a genue reason, then is left for her to decide whether she can adjust and carry on with the marriage or not.
      But if he has no genue reasons, then she could as well give him an ultimatum,, its either he accepts her terms and give her her rights, or the marriage would be over... And if she really trust this man, then i think she should work on her marriage and keep the feeling of her parents aside.. She would not loose then for ever, she is there daughter. They would get used to the marriage and they would always come around.


  3. Salaam sister.

    He is your husband, however at the same time your family have rights over you. Regardless of his feelings towards your family you do need to maintain a relationship with them. That is Islamically correct. So speak to him honestly about your feelings and be ready to compromise. Maybe it will be fine for you to meet them somewhere else but maybe he doesn't want them in the family home - that's fine but you do need to be able to see them.

    Find out his concerns, be listening and open to suggestions and hopefully InshaAllah if you do this he may be more receptive to your concerns. Maybe - there is no guarantee. But again it is important to keep a relationship with your family. He needs to stop putting a wedge between you and yoru family and at the same time your family need to stop putting a wege between you and him. This is a difficult one, because there are so many unanswered questions. Be a mediator in this - try to seperate yourself emotionally and work with them for solutions. But be firm - and know that this situation is unacceptable and changes must be made.

    Also on what basis is your husband preventing you from attending university? Does he have a good reason. In this day and age it is important to be educated and to be able to support yourself. So do find out the reason.

    Also keep an open mind - I dont know who is correct in this and who is incorrect. Seek Allah's guidance on this matter - make lots of dua and perform all obligatory salat.

    "Ask Allah swt to make you see things as they really are not just as they appear to be.."
    It may also be useful to do istikhaarah - please scroll to the top of the page and click on the istikhaarah qs and as link. Read each one carefully berforehand if you decide on istikhaarah.

    Sara Editor

  4. How are you now sister??

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