Islamic marriage advice and family advice

why can’t my family accept my choice for marriage?

wedding egyptian marriage nikah

An Egyptian Wedding Procession

(Editor's note: this sister has posted several times before. You can read her other posts by clicking on her username).

Salam to all.

I am in a big dilemma, so please help me because I am so very miserable.

I'm a medical student (Asian) in a foreign country (Egypt), and I fell in love with a local here two years ago. It was my first love, and I went head over heels. when my parents came for a visit I wanted to introduce him but my parents freaked out, and cried and claimed I abused their trust. I was young and naive, and they made me feel so low and the boy had to let me go. I was diagnosed with severe depression for two years, was on numerous antidepressant pills, and without any family support at all.

Now I am so much more stable and I can see it would never work between me and him, besides it was infatuation and obsession. I realised, and alhamdulillah I stopped the drugs.

But now I am in love with another local. Ya Allah, is it my fault that there's something about the Egyptians that intrigued me so much, and I'm attracted to them? Is it a sin to have different taste? I love this guy and I am serious this time, and he is successful and kind, etc. He plans to visit my country at the end of this year soon isA. I finally got my family to agree to meet him this time.

But the problem was that I sent a picture of me and him by mistake yesterday, and my whole family saw it. Sadly I wasnt wearing hijab (headscarf) in the picture, and my mum cried and freaked out and is currently not talking to me. She said my boyfriend is a bad influence, and my dad warned me that I'm being used and stupid.

I don't know what to do now. It's true that I made a big mistake of not wearing hijab and took a pic with him, but that picture was a long time ago, and I realised it was Haram, and that's why I'm bringing him home to my family so I can marry him and make it right.

He's a good person, really. (He's a muslim too). We were just caught up having fun, and he loves me so much that I don't feel anyone can ever love me the same, and my family is too busy with their lives so I tend to get lonely. Ya Allah, he just really understands me and I care so much for him.

I'm just getting depressed again. Ya Allah, all I want is to marry him because he makes me happy, and I want to be close to my family because I can't live without them, especially my mum. But now, I have to pick either one. Ya Allah I just can't.

Please advise me. My boyfriend said he is still coming to Malaysia isA to fix everything. He's so brave and ready to discuss with my family, and I'm just so scared. I feel like the middle person.. I can't make both sides happy, and I'm so miserable ya Allah.

I believe I'm a good person, I pray and read Quran weekly, but girls are weak when it comes to love, I admit that. Ya Allah, my family just wants someone who is a Syed/Saeed because I am Sharifah (sherifa). They dont care about the fact it's my choice and happiness too. My brother is marrying whoever my mum picks and my mum wants to do the same for me. I am going home in one month, and I am DREADING it. Ya Allah, I know I made mistakes, but I'm trying so hard to make it right, please help me. I don't know what to do.

Please advise me. As you can see,  I get depressed easily.


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3 Responses »

  1. Salam sister.I've been reading your previous posts, and you sound like a sweet girl, innocent, vulnerable,emotional and very, very naive!Honey, you've previously gone through so much heart break and depression due to your first relationship.Such heart break should have ideally made you wiser and stronger and should have increased your faith and iman and relationship with Allah.Yet now you plunge headlong into another relationship and put your self in a similar situation!you say you acknowledge that your first relationship was infatuation and you are serious this time.But while reading your previous posts, you sounded pretty darn serious to me!Think back for a bit and ask yourself if you felt less for the first guy WHILE you were in that relationship, than you do now for this current guy.Sister, I understand that it must be traumatising to be a foreign student alone in a foreign country, away from family and loved ones and that you feel lonely.And in such a situation, the addition of an guy who seems to understand you and gives you companionship and makes you feel loved and wanted and listens to your problems and is over all seeming to be the embodiment of Prince Charming, is very tempting and attractive.But sister, you need to think with a clear head about the following points :
    1) How sure are you, that he loves you and will marry you at all costs?are you 200% sure of his sincerity?are you quite sure he is not just using your vulnerability and innocence to his advantage and having a good time?Such things do happen quite often, you know.Please make sure of this in your head and heart before continuing with this relationship.
    2) Put yourself in your parents place.Parents belonging to Islamic cultures are extremely protective towards their daughters and rightly so.Your parents must have a hard time as it is, dealing with sending you to a foreign country alone.How would you feel if you find out that your young daughter is thousands of miles away from you, and emotionally involved with a person you know nothing about?And seeing pictures of your daughter with said person?OFCOURSE you would freak out.Any sane parent would.For all they know, this guy could be a drug lord, rapist, etc etc doing God knows what with their daughter.So don't be puzzled over their reaction.I'm sure they care about your happiness and want you to be happy with whoever you marry but if their daughter is dragging home an unknown foreigner, with unknown habits and unknown family..don't expect them to jump for joy.I hope you see where I'm going with this.
    3) You haven't mentioned this guy's family.Where are they in the picture?If you are serious about marriage with this guy and he with you, it's not only the guy you need to introduce your family too, it's his family too.Do his family know and approve of you?Would they click with your family?Because these things really matter in an Islamic culture and I'm sure they matter to your family too.
    4) The thing to do is to make your boyfriend into your fiance/husband as soon as possible.Don't wait till the end of the year to introduce him to your parents and you to his.Because the longer you drag thing out, the more chances there are of you falling into sin (which you MUST avoid at all costs), and if God forbid, if at the end, things don't work out with him and your family, the more you will get hurt and the the vicious cycle of pain, guilt, heart break and depression will start again.So initiate the process of proceeding for marriage ASAP.if this guy really loves you, he will understand, and he will move mountains and oceans to make you his wife as soon as possible too (Insha'Allah).and if, God forbid, he doesn't, than it's best it happen sooner than later.And during the proceedings,keep contact with him to a minimal and explain to him why ( for the sake of your deen). I repeat, if he truly loves you, he will understand, and co operate.
    If God forbid things don't work out, then do not fall into despair.Allah loves us more then the love of 70 mothers and He will insha'Allah have something so much more worth while in store for you.Best of luck, sister.May Allah bless you and make all your dreams come true.

  2. oh, and the most important thing.Say all your prayers regularly,recite Quran, make Salat e Istikhara, to ask Allah directly if this guy is good for you or not, and to make it happen if its good for you and to make it end quickly if its not.Make lots of Dua, ask Allah to guide you in all your matters and to keep you under his protection always and to always keep you away from bad people.

  3. My dear, I understand how you feel because am also in the same shoes as you are. I really cant say much but I will advise you do what the first speaker says.

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