Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why can’t I make friends, what’s wrong with me?

Four men, four brothersI am a guy of 21 years old. I was born in Bangladesh and came to America after my high school graduation when I was 19.

These whole 3 years I tried to make friends but I don't know why I am not able to. I just need a social life like a normal person of 21 years old wants. I tried whatever my family told me to try-try to talk with new person, ask them to invite me to go with them etc, but seems like nobody likes me or don't want me in their fun.

I don't know what to do? I am so depressed and bored. I just need may be one or two friend who I can share my fun with but, nobody seems to be want to be my friend.

Please if any suggestion can help.

Apitaf.

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17 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum,

    Brother, I understand what you're going through, but the solution is quite easy. I'll tell you what I would have done, if I went to another country or city.

    I would first of all look for a Masjid. I would try hard to get a residence near the Masjid, in order to remind myself about Salah. If not near a Masjid, I would look for an area where Muslims choose to stay.

    In this way, people I meet in the Masjid everyday would be my friends, people in my locality would be my friends. And believe me. These friends are much better than from any other source. I have experienced such a thing. My best friend is one I met at the Masjid.

    Isn't it easy?

    ---
    Muhammad Waseem

  2. I agree with Waseem. Find people who you love them for the sake of Allah and they love you for the sake of Allah. If you are a Muslim who is praying, honest and trying to do the right thing, then write me down as your friend.

  3. Salam,

    It isnt just you. There are a lot of people that find it hard to make friends. If there are certain people you would like to hang out with, then maybe you should be assertive. Ask them if they would like to hang out with you.

  4. Why don't you evaluate yourself. When you talk to others do you show that your a confident person. Try to join social groups/clubs. See what your interest/hobbies are and find a friend in that setting. Observe others, and watch tv to see how people make friends in a halal way. The way people talk, present themselves and ways to dress (clothes, hair) appropriatly. Don't limit yourself to only make Muslim friends. Non-Muslim friends can be good people too. Brother try to be confident and lover youself. Nothing is wrong with you, everyone is born with something unique.

  5. As-salamu alaykum brother,

    You've been given a lot of good advice. Go to the masjid. If you're in college, join the Muslim Students Association. Develop some hobbies. I have one friend who studies Japanese at school and is a member of the Japanese club, and he has made friends there. Myself, I practice martial arts, and I have made several good friends through my martial arts practice.

    Be a good listener. When you meet someone, show an interest in them. Remember their name. Ask them questions about their life (in a non-nosy way). Learn a few good jokes, and read the news, so you'll always have something to talk about.

    However, never compromise your religion or your principles in order to make friends or please people. Be a man of faith and principle and people will respect that.

    Basically, try to live a full and rich life, and you will find that people will be interested in you, Insha'Allah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Brother,

    My son is also 21 and finds it very difficult to make friends and he grew up in the United States! Up until a few months ago, I think he was a lot like you. He isn't very verbal about how he feels but I see...I am his mother. He started going to the gym at the University. He eats very healthy and works hard to have a nice body. Whilst working out, he met another student and they started talking. They found they have a lot in common and have started working out together. Although there are many avenues out there, this is one you might try. I have seen my son feeling a whole lot better and he has made a new friend.

    Chances are, you are like my son and you are very quiet and keep to yourself. If you are at the University, look and see what is offered in the way of clubs. There are Islamic clubs and other activities you can join. This is a sure way to make friends. If you haven't looked into the various activities and clubs your University offers, you definitely might want to check it out.

    Best of luck to you...Salam

  7. aslamolaikum everybody..

    thank you for all of your nice advices.

    i been trying all these you guys are telling me to do.join clubs, try to talk nice to them leave them messages in Facebook.but it seems like they ignore me.they answers back all others peoples comments but not my one.so i feel like i am not smart enough to make friends or to talk to them.i used to pray good,i wont say a lot but i did.i beg to Allah for friends.but i didn't get none. but still i used to go to school everyday with a little hope in my heart that at least i would get one friend today .but never had.i don't know what else to do.i try to talk but with their response and their way of response makes me feel i am the dumbest one in their and they are trying to avoid me.i joined clubs and a school jobs with they student.but they don't want to hangout with me outside the school only when we are in club meeting or club activities.i used to see people going to hangout with their friends and putting up pictures in Facebook and i used to ask them to let me know if they go next time somewhere, and i would join them.but all i saw is their pictures again in Facebook ,they never invited me.i don't know what else to do.i don't pray a lot anymore. i stay depressed. i feel so alone sometimes i go to do something alone that people would go do with friends.i don't want to drink alcohol, i don't need to drink alcohol ,i don't need friends who drinks alcohol, i just need some friends to hang out ,to spend a little fun time.but its like i force myself to drink so that i don't feel depressed or alone. just feel drunk and wake up in the morning.every time people are try to avoid me or don't response to my action i feel more bad and my self confidence go zero and keeps me scared for try even one more to get a friend or to talk to people.i feel, i think they don't like me so may be i shouldn't talk to them or may be they are not liking whatever or however i am talking to them.

    i feel like Allah don't want me to have friend or didn't gave me the quality to make friend.

    i hope you guys understanding what i am trying to say.

    thanks to everybody.

    • Salam Brother,

      You don't need Face Book and all the drama that goes along with it. The most important thing here is if you live in a dorm, you need to get out. I don't care if it is sitting at the library reading or studying. Staying in your room is very unhealthy and can actually add to your depression. When my son was alone and depressed, he would stay in his room in his dorm sometimes all day. Not good. If you have to walk to a fast food place or a store or anywhere just to be out and about, that is better for you. You never know where you might meet someone who can become a good friend. What is it that you are majoring in? Are there any clubs that meet at the school within your major?

      No matter what you do, don't turn to drinking or the like. That is the worst thing you could do to yourself. Keep your faith and try not to despair. Allah will never give us more than we can bear. No matter what, do not sit inside for the day. Get out as much as you can and as I said earlier, if you can go to the gym it wouldn't hurt. When the human body works out, endorphin's are released thus making you feel good. It will help tremendously with your depression as well. Praying for you to have a better day tomorrow.

      Salam

      • Asalaam alaikum,

        One of the problems is that you are relying on people to befriend you and hinging your happiness on that. Instead, you need to realize that sometimes we are alone for awhile and it's to teach us that during this time, it's for personal growth and assessment. Just because you may not have friends right now, does not mean that you cannot go out to the movies, out to eat or to enjoy yourself with adventures like skydiving, scuba diving or something incredible. In fact, one brother I know, would take his lonely time and turn it into a weekend plan by renting a convertible and taking a scenic drive wherever he wished. The point was to enjoy his life, whether or not he had a companion with him. Why should he suffocate himself inside?

        You'll also find that when you frequent at small, locally owned businesses (restaurants, barbers, etc.) you can have a friendly relationship with the staff. Spend a little money on yourself by buying smart clothes, perhaps even tailored ones. A well dressed man is a rare commodity these days and if you wish to put your money to better use than in haram actions, you could do this and feel good about yourself, as well.

        I would also advise you to stop the obsession over facebook, as well. It's a self-centered exploit that bear little, if any fruit. The only thing you could use it for is to see if there is an Islamic center within your area that might be having a gathering or a social project to participate in and to avoid haram actions. And that, seems to be your problem: focusing on the "fun" people of questionable character are having while you pitifully drown your sorrows in alcohol. You need to recognize that it is a great sin, and that the drinking will age your skin and eventually hamper your sexual potency when you one day get married, Insha'allah.

        If you volunteer at a soup kitchen, perhaps an Islamic project that reaches out to the homeless or even helping orphans, you would find that there is much friendship and love within those efforts. I would strongly advise you to do this as this may also act as a reality check for yourself to acknowledge those who live on way less than the advantages that you currently have available.

        You might also think about getting a pet such as a cat, a fish or some other animal. Taking care of another living being will make you less alone and will bring you happiness.

      • aslamolaikum...

        i kind of agree with you.sometimes i site in my room all day just mess in the computer.my major is computer engineering.there is a club call science and engineering club.i am a member of that.but all those people are like only friend when they are in club meeting or something.i tried to hangout with them and ask but they never respond any positive reply to me.i do go to gym.i see everybody goes to gym with someone.but i always go alone.i been going for like 4-5 months now.by brothers doesn't even wanna go with me cause unfortunately $10 in month seems a lot to them.there is no Islamic center close to my house.its far.so i cannot always go there.i wish i could.

        i will try to work as yours and professor x's good advices.

        thank you for all your helps.please also give me if you guys come up with some new idea to make friends.

        • Asalaam alaikum,

          Use your computer know-how to start a small business for yourself by repairing or updating laptops and desktops when you are not in school. You can advertise your services for very little money in either a free circular or online. This will give you something to do, will allow you to meet people and of course, provide some extra income. You could perhaps just do this for your campus and/or advertise for another campus as reduced student rates. Add this facet of your life to your facebook to use it more effectively.

          Try this website to find local gathering and happenings in your area. http://www.meetup.com/

  8. Brother Apitaf,

    Seeing pictures of 'friends' in your friendlist is not really reality. It is a faitly fake show. It doesn't mean when people uploads their fun pictures on facebook, they are having fun. Everybody, has some sort of problem in their life. A friend of mine, when another friend of mine used to see her pictures, she used to admire her lifestyle and wished her life. But in reality, that friend of mine had so much personal problems in life than fun. Don't get sad or depressed over peoples facebook pictures and comments. Life is much better, FRESH and REAL outside of facebook.

    Make friends with practsing Muslim brothers. Don't make computers your sole hobby.

    Go to the masjid, join the Quran/tajweed classes. It is so much more rewarding and fun. You will inshaAllah, meet like minded brothers. Read good Islamic books. Attend Islamic talks. Join weekend football clubs.

    Also those who does not do anything, outside of the university clubs, it could be because they are students. Most of them are dependent on their student loan and are probably trying to cutting cost. Education is EXPENSIVE, therefore, for that reason they may not socialise much with you or anyone else.

    Also, when I was in uni, as soon as class finished, I used to head home. It was not because I didn't want to be friends with my friends but because my family was expecting me home at certain time.

    And, please never drink alcohol. Stay away from it. And never share your lonliness to a non-mahram (a girl).

    Try to be content with what Allah (swt) have blessed you with. Don't envy people for the wrong reasons. Do whatever you want to do but do it all halal.

    Become a good practising Muslim brother, inshaAllah.

    Takecare of yourself,
    Your sister, Parveen.

  9. aslamolaikum everybody,

    i am so sorry guys.i tried.at least i think i have tried all you guys told me to do. people dont even answer me when i ask them question. its only make me mad and pissed. i am writing all to you guys with my anger now. so please dont feel bad. i am just taking my anger out.

    i am tired of asking peoples attention. i am the only person people dont give a care in wherever everywhere i go. i think its true that ,we shouldnt tell our problem to anybody, 20% doesnt care and 80% are happy that i have them. i went to masjed and pray to allah did couple nofol namaz and ask for help but seems like allahs doesnt even want to listen to me. i am just so pissed right now.

    thank you for all of your awesome advices. i hope may allah bless all of you. may be this the last time i will be on this website.

    khuda hafez brothers and sisters.

    • Salam Brother,

      I am sorry to hear that things have not progressed for you. I will keep you in my and prayers that you will meet some nice people that would love to be your friend. Sometimes we find something when we least expect it. Keep getting out of your room, and finding things to do. You staying in your room for long periods of time will only increase your feelings of depression. Go for a run, see a movie, check out what is going on at your University, see if any of the Islamic clubs have anything going on, go to the library, take a walk through the shopping mall, go have a coffee or tea at one of your local places. The worst thing you can do is stay in your room.

      By the way brother, two of my children attend one of the most prestigious universities in America. My children tell me that no one talks to them and my kids find them all to be stuck up. In the four years that my children have attended this school, they have made no real friends at all. So...what I am saying is, maybe the problem isn't you...it's the other people. Don't wait on anyone to be your friend, get out there and enjoy life. Hoping you feel better.

      Salam

    • Have things gotten better yet?

  10. salam everyone,
    I've got to say I have gone through this exact same thing throughout my senior high school years as well as my four years in university and it was a huge test of my faith.
    I know it is so hard to be alone, I still feel extremely alone and depressed most days and it feels like a shameful or embarrassing thing that really beats your confidence to a pulp but to give in to this by drinking your sadness away will not improve your situation.
    be strong. see a doctor about your depression if you can as medication can help you with the chemical imbalances in your brain and hopefully restore some of your spark.
    just remember you are not alone. never give up, never lose hope. that's my motto.
    wslm

  11. May Allah bless you with lots of good friends brother. I will keep you in my prayers. Stay positive!

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