Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why did my husband hurt my children and I so much?

single mother

My children and I are left alone


I have been married about 2 years to an Arab Muslim man. Less than a year into our marriage I discovered that he was having webcam sex chats with random women he meets in chat rooms. I was furious and wanted to leave him, he became aggressive and physical because i wanted to leave.

We separated for a month while we tried to work on our marriage. We were able to reconcile, under the conditions that he was absolutely under no circumstances allowed to have sexual conversations, view or show web cams, exchange or share photos, voice chat and so on, with any women online whatsoever. I also told him that he was never allowed to physically touch me in an aggressive or violent manner or I would call the police. We remained together and were doing very well and very happy.

Flash forward to this past week, I found chat logs between 1200 individual women over the past year. All of them sexual. Some of them asking for marriage and relationships. Some of them with underage girls. Video chats, pictures, graphic details. He never tells the women he is married and has a family. He pretends to be single. I confronted him, he became physical, I called the police. He is in jail.

I no longer trust him. I am filing for divorce. He will likely be deported back to his country because of this. Though, I still love him and have compassion for him and hope that whatever his problem or addiction is, that he can cure it.

What causes men to behave this way and even risk losing their wife and children for it? How can he be helped? I wish he can move on and live a happy life. My poor kids are crying for him and missing him. What can we all do to move on?


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7 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I just want to say I am so proud of you, that posts like yours make this endeavor worthwhile when we deal with so many women who are still trying to find the strength to leave an abusive marriage. I know you still hope the best for your husband and want him to find his way back to his fitra, and that's understandable. But you did the right thing, and as time goes on the pain will start to heal and you will feel more confident that everything is in the best of courses.

    To understand why anyone sins, why anyone has bad habits or addictions, is a study of its own. There's no pat answer as to why people do what they do when they mistreat others, because everyone is working with different sets of variables. I think what you really want to try to come to terms with is why it happened to you, why he chose to treat you the way he did. It's a valid question, sister, and the answer is something that you may come to realize sooner, or later. It's going to take a lot of introspection on your part, and healing, before you might have a way of viewing what has transpired in a way that makes sense to you and brings you peace.

    Right now, you and your children are still vulnerable and wounded. You have made some big changes in your lives and are trying to adjust to the new reality, which is sometimes challenging and painful. I think that it will be best if you can find a family therapist to help you navigate this sensitive time in your life. It also helps to find support in sisters who are close friends, as well as your trusted relatives. It's not going to be a quick process, but it isn't a burden you and the kids have to bear alone.

    While you are putting together your support system, make sure you are taking the time to take care of yourself by eating healthily and getting enough rest. You are an anchor for your children, so you need to make sure that you are nourishing yourself to be there for them as they need. Also, make a list of things that help you relax that you can engage in when you start to notice your stress level getting too high. Some suggestions are to keep a journal, read a good fiction book, bake chocolate chip cookies, or take a bubble bath.

    Even though it feels in a lot of ways like you are at an ending, in reality you are just beginning your new, beautiful life. You have more freedom to write the script for your future than you did before, so start thinking about what you want it to look like and then you can start planning your strategies to get there. I believe you can do it, because you have already made the hardest choices. May Allah make it easy for you as you continue to work toward the plans He has for you.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Well done! When ur kids get older they'll come to understand and appreciate that u did the right thing. No child wants their parent to be abused. They just dont understand yet what has happened, and growing up in an unhealthy enviroment would've had a very bad impact on ur kids.

    Keep reminding urself that u have saved urself and ur kids

  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    Though, as Sister Amy stated above being the study of why the individual sins is a vast subject, often the main criteria is selfishness. It is hard to believe that such complex relationships and circumstances bear this fact out, but more than often it is true. The ego is beast to master for many people and the pride of this ego creates a selfish being whose arrogance and conceit orbit around it. It bears spoiled intentions forming into evil actions and it will maim those who come close to it.

    The Holy Prophet mentioned this to the ummah when the declared elation over a physical battle, to which he replied that they had succeeded in the minor struggle. When they asked, in astonishment perhaps expecting an even greater physical foe to face what was the MAJOR struggle, he replied with the answer, the battle of the nafs. So what is this battle and how do we overcome it. Again, for each person that is an individual solution to their particular situation, but it bears reason that ultimately, as Muslims, when we truly submit to Allah (swt) we are placing our ego aside and accepting His Decree instead of our selfish and harmful desires. This is a battle that your husband lost during your marriage.

    It is distressing to know the lows of which he stooped: engaging minors in criminal activity.Men who do this often go down a very dark path over time and there is no telling what worse actions awaited in the future if you had waited any longer to safe your family in the best way you could. So thank Allah (swt) in that He truly saved you and your children in this regard.

    As Sister Amy has said, Alhamdulillah, you are one of the people whom we admire and you give hope to women who struggle with an abusive spouse, but find the fortitude in your heart to not allow your husband to hurt you and abuse you. You are a creation of Allah (swt) and as such, no one in this world has the right to ever persecute or oppress you. What you have done is courageous, noble and beautiful: you honored yourself in the way as Allah (swt) intended. So that now in your life, you have struggled in the way of Allah (swt).

    Though the future will place heartache on you, this is your invitation from Allah (swt) to spend time speaking, asking questions and finding comfort in His refuge. The cracks in our broken hearts are created so that we may fill them with the remembrance of Allah (swt), strengthen it thereby and enrich it with His Love. There is nothing that this world will ever bring you in contrast.

    So use this time wisely and let your tears decorate your prayers to reside with Him in paradise.

  4. Jaliza,

    Just want to say I am very proud of you for picking up the phone when your husband became violent and abusive towards you. Having your husband in jail is nothing to be happy about but, it shows him that he cannot get away with hitting and abusing you. It shows him that there are consequences for his actions. It is humiliating and degrading. To that I say..."good, you deserve it". He will think twice before lifting a hand to you ever again. Jail is not a place anyone wants to be. If anything, maybe some time in jail will humble him and give him some time to think about why he is there in the first place.

    May Allah almighty guide you and give you strength in the days and months ahead. May Allah bless you and your children and keep you safe from any further harm.


  5. Amazing Job..!!! Let him get deported anywhere who cares? Your kids will understand after getting older. If they do cry don't be sad maybe say "kids lets watch a movie,etc" don't keep the crying going. I'm happy for you. You encourage women like myself to get up and get these "men" out of our lives :)))

  6. dear Jaliza,


    sooooooooooooooo proud of you. i wish all the women in your situations were as courageous as you are. you ddi what really needed to be done. inshallah you will never refret nor will your kids ever.just remind yourself that if didnt end it now , this could have ended in your children being abused as well both emotionally and physically. you saved yoursef and your kids.

    Allah is with you always.

    lots of love and dua for you my sister.

  7. Dear Jaliza,

    I hope you are well. Addiction is very hard to cure if the person is not willing. In your case, I think it is a hard case for him to change. The pattern of physical abuse a woman will always repeat its couse. I am so glad for you and so proud for you that you can stand up to protect yourself and your children.

    I don not know where are you living. If you are living in US, there are so many supportive services can help you to raise your family. Do not be afraid, you need to be strong for yourself, for your children and for the future. If you do not have a degree, go get the fund for mother go back to learn. After finishing your degree you choose, hopefully you will get a good job and move on.

    Be strong, don't look back. You choose the right path. Among all the case I read, I really think that you are "lucky" that you got back yourself and take control of your own.

    Take care, salam

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