Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why do I feel guilty for wanting to leave a husband who cheats on me constantly?

Divorce decree

Aoa I really need help I'm so confused I've been married for a 1 1/2 years and my husband has been cheating on me and this was an arranged marriage and  he's not legal here in US.

I gave him so many chances and he always apologises and then does the samething. He's still talking to that girl. I don't know what to do. My parents are with me they want me to leave him cause they think when he gets his papers he's gonna leave me they don't trust him anymore.

I told his parents about this and they say everything is going to be OK, that I should wait "sabar karo". I hate that I've been waiting for a year and he's still the same. My confusion is that I do love him and I don't want to ruin his future; if I leave he's not going to be legal.

I don't trust him anymore cause he's always lying. I just don't want anything bad for him when I leave so please help me. I also tried doing istikhara for two days but didn't see anything.

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24 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Sometimes we feel guilty when making big decisions, even when it's the right decision. This is because we feel that if we had just tried a little harder, or waited a little longer, things would change into the situation we hoped for all along.

    It seems to me sister, that if this man has been cheating on you for a year and has not made the drastic and needed steps to stop, you can be reasonably certain that he probably won't stop. No one would advise you to stay in a marriage where you will be cheated on, and it's a big sin for him to be committing. You have value and he is not treating you with that value by keeping his affections within the marriage. You deserve better, and you should take the necessary steps to ensure you get what YOU deserve.

    It's not your problem about his legal status. He is making his own choices, and surely he knows that he is doing things that would jeopardize the marriage and thus his immigration status. If he truly, truly cared about his own legal needs, he would make sure he treated you in a way that would make you want to stay married to him. I also believe your parents have a valid concern, that he may leave you anyway once he gets his papers. That would make you feel even worse, so don't let it get to that point!

    Sister, you are not ruining his future. He is ruining his own future by walking down sinful paths. Even if you stood by him the rest of his life, Allah can and perhaps will still punish him for what he's doing. You can't prevent that, and that punishment is much more severe than him losing a wife or his immigration status. You can love someone with all your heart, but love is not enough to change someone who doesn't want to change. Don't keep yourself in this miserable marriage. There are plenty of other guys out there who would be glad to have your precious love, and would honor you in countless ways for giving it to them.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Dear sister,

    Pray daily 5 times Salat and plan to pray Tahajjud at night, make dua by heart to Allah.....

    Allah will help you

  3. Salaam sister, this man is sick and i am disgusted by his actions, he lacks self-respect and most importantly your suffering for no reason, to have such a loving wife and still cheat on her is characteristics of a animal who has no feelings or morals, you have waited for too long, do not think of the consequences for him, way i see it he deserves what he gets, and you deserve a better man who knows how to respect women and treat a wife, this man dosent deserve your love. as for his parents, their intention is to see him become legal and thats mission completed, how can they so easily ask you to be patient when he has commited such haraam acts, sadly they do not have your best interests at heart, listen to your parents and leave this man, you deserve so much better.

    Keep faith in Allah, ask for guidance and leave this animal, you shouldnt feel sorry or any pity for this man, he has hurt you many times, despite your forgivness, there are men outthere who dream to have a loving wife who cares such as yourself, dont waste your time with this careless slob who dosent give a toss and cant stop cheating.

    Excuse me for sounding angry, its just i find this topic hard to understand, that muslim brothers are acting worse than animals and destroying life of females, not realising without women us men would never be on this earth.

    • as for his parents, their intention is to see him become legal and thats mission completed,

      Bingo! He may be their e-ticket ride when he's legal, too.

      I remember reading this anchor marriage scenario where the sister got dumped for the girlfriend once he was a citizen. The guy in that story had known his girlfriend before the 'convenience of visa' marriage. Dump this guy like a dead, cheating fish.

      • Sister,

        Listen to your parents on this. This guy is using you for his own personal gain. Beat him at his own game and head on home to your family who love you and don't want to see you hurt this way. You deserve better!


        • As salamu alaykum, Sister Najah,

          I missed you, so nice to listen to you again.

          All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

          • Salam Maria!

            It's good to be here! I moved to a new home and it seems I have little time for me right now and my laptop. Trying to get settled in but making time to visit when I can.

            Salam 🙂

          • Wasalam, my beloved sister,

            Sure, it is nice to see you again. Take your time to settle down, I like the feeling of moving to a new home is like a new refreshing begining, insha´Allah. May Allah(swt) bless you. Ameen.

            Take care.

  4. leave him and remarry sister you deserve better

  5. Salaam Sister,

    This person is cheating on you and he is no where near to getting his legal status. Says one thing he has no respect for you dear. You do not need to feel guilty or need to worry about his future. You have given him chances,you have told his family, as far as I can see you have done everything you could possibly have done..It does not look as if he even wants to change.

    So it is better to leave the situation now,before you get hurt later on and feel used., I am not saying your partner will leave you once he becomes legal,but unfortunately a lot of men do do this,so I would advise you to get out now,so if this happens you do not feel this as well apart from the betrayal that you are feeling at the momment and that alone is enough for you to get out and be with someone who respects you and values you.

    Take Care

    Allah Hafiz.

  6. Ty so much for ur response now my husband is acting all nice with me n he tells me that he doesn't talk to that girl but I saw his msgs that was sent to her. The msgs weren't bad but he's still talking to her. I told my parents this n they say if he's nice with u so stay with him n they worry about what people gonna say about me n my divorce. I'm so confused. They also think that his parents intentions r not wrong.idk what to do

    • Sister, this man is a con-man and his change in behaviour is only to get legal status, because if he truly loved you, he would never message the other girl, he is still comitting a haraam act, we care so much about what people think, but i tell you this, they going to there grave and you yours, Allah is the true judge and that is all you must think about, dont stay with this fraud just to keep the people happy, your happyness is key and you must focus on that, talk to your parents and ask them to help you divorce, as for his parents, once he gets legal status they will start packing their suitcases to join him, he will leave you for his other girl, and his and his parents true colours will show, dont let it get that far, his infidelity proves he is only with you for residential status and does bor love you, sister mashaAllah you have a big heart, but i cant see you be taken advantage of and hurt, so see through this man and realise his good nature is the front on his more sinister intentions, going back to the start, if he really loved you, why would he even think of another women, never mind communicate with her??, you deserve better, put a stop before your taken advantage of completely.

    • Hina85,

      Sister...forget what everyone else thinks...what do you think? Listen to your gut instincts as they are usually right. Why stay with a guy who obviously needs you for his resident status? Why even tolerate this man talking to another girl when you are in fact his wife? The only woman he should be chatting with is you! He's only making nice with you because he knows if your out of the picture, he can't get what he wants!

      What is it that you want? Forget about what people think...who cares anyway?! This is your life and yours alone. Do not allow yourself to be a pawn in a game for anyone. What do you want to do here? What will make you happy? Do what is best for you and never think twice about what others think because in the end, only you and your happiness and good state of mind matter.

      Don't let this excuse of a man ruin you and your life. Look deep inside yourself and you will find the answers you seek. No person on earth is worth destroying yourself.

      Salam and best of luck to you

  7. Ty everyone for replying...let me start from the begining I'm 26yrs old n I was married before but my husband past away n than my parents got me remarried. I was good with my husband n wanted everything to work but than I found out he was cheating on me. 1st my family tells me to leave him than they saying not to leave him only cause people will talk. I'm in a very crazy situation don't know what to do. I'm gonna try to do istikhara tonight I really wish I c something. Plz do pray for me Ty very much

    • I keep you in my duas, its important to note that you may not necessarily see something, but how you feel will change or any number of things, its common misconception that the outcome is through a dream but it can be anything, and if you do not feel a change then carry on praying upto 7 days until you do inshaAllah, best of luck sister.

  8. Only Allah Swt knows how HE tests us, and sometimes people make mistakes and might commit something as serious as zina. Considering you are saying he did so multiple times really shifts from him having a lack of self-respect and respect for you to, I hate to say it so blatantly, your having very little self-respect for yourself. You are married for Allah SWT and your own pleasure, NOT to please your parents/society. I would divorce as this person is seriously not ready to be a spouse let alone a father.

  9. As salamu alaykum, sister Hina,

    I will try to see the situation from other point of view, you are confused because he has awaken in you feelings, you love him and you have hope all this betrayal will finish, insha´Allah and that he falls in love with you. This is a very tricky situation, his loyalty is to that girl not to you. If he was to give your marriage a glimpse of hope, the contact with this other girl had stopped long ago, but only Allah(swt) knows what is in the Hearts.

    I will wait until you have your guidance from Istikhara, I understand that after a marriage is done there is a bond that is not easy to break and you are feeling the strength of the bond, insha´Allah, you will feel if the bond is true for him or just a fake.

    May Allah(swt) guide you and open your senses to His guidance. Ameen.

  10. Salaams sister,

    I agree with everyones replies above

    Leave this man he is using you once he got what he wants trust me he will leave you, save your heartache before it is too late. He dont love you if he did he wouldnt disrespect you like this, forget what people think what do you want?. Whether you remaried, divorced or stayed single people still talk sister it is alot worseeitherway people have sad lives to live that why it is easy to talk but not easy to confront with honesty thats the issue. The whole world has gone MAD we living with sicko's and physco ppl. Live your life how you want it not how your parents want you too cos at the end you will be the one suffering.

    As for you husband being nice to you he is just keeping you sweet until he gets what he wants men like this are just users and using and abusing women is what they like and that you need to look at and what you want.

    wish you the best

  11. Salam everyone
    Thanx again for replying. I was gonna perform istikhara but my sis was saying that u don't perform istikhara for divorce so I didn't. N now I have decided to leave him so let's c what's gonna happen. I will keep u guys post it n thanx for ur support.

    • Why can you not perform Istikhara for Divorce? Of course you can.

      It is only 'haraam' things that we do not do Istikhara for. And Divorce if done within lines of Sunnah, is not haraam.

      SisterZ Editor

  12. Wow. I have to agree with ProfessorX and Kelvenator on this - wholeheartedly. Yes, get out of this marriage, because he doesn't love you. You don't mention having children or being pregnant, so if that's the case, that is one less complication. If he will not be legal, that is his problem, not yours, he brought that one on himself. He fooled around with your affections and hopes and dreams to get something he wanted for himself rather than thinking about what his actions would do you to. So, why are you feeling guilty?

    Did not Allah already condemn falseness? He let you find out about this guys' cheating. If it makes you feel better to do Istighara again, go ahead, but it looks to me like the writing is already on the wall. I would leave him and do Istighara about where you go from here.

    If you are letting yourself feel guilt, you are denying yourself what Allah has ordained for you - a reasonable expectation of honesty, caring, and forthrightness from the person you are married to. If you are denying yourself what Allah has given you, that's a kind of rejection of Allah's wisdom. Allah's rules were written to take care of this kind of man. You gave yourself to this man and he acts like that is just no big deal. He's counting on you feeling guilty, believe me. Get rid of him.

  13. By the way, isn't anyone looking out for these ladies in arranged marriages? I am for arranging the chance to meet, but totally against marrying someone I don't know.

  14. i know this is a very old post but what was the outcome?

    • Not sure . Sister i have read your many posts and feel sorry for it .Have you solved the problems and left him ?

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