Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why do I have to suffer?

Salam brothers and sisters in islam ,

I wanna introduce myself before telling my problem.  Okay, I'm muslim- alhumdulillah! Now I'm 21, married, and have two beautiful kids mashallah. So here goes my story: I was still studying, and my parents got me married to this guy saying that his family is very religious and the guy is so good as well. So as I was all up to my parents, I agreed.

The first whole year of my marriage, my husband disliked my parents and said bad things about them. I didn't know how to react so I just cried, and next morning everything was fine. Then again and again the same thing- he disrespected, and as I was only 17 I didn't know my rights. I never blamed my parents for that because that's my taqdeer.  We had many problems, but then alhimdulillah I managed and kept patient all the time. I never complained for any issue, but I kept asking Alllah for help.

So then I had my first baby boy. My husband was okay after that at first, then he started physical abuse for no reason. Alhumdulillah, I'm slim, good looking, and nobody can tell I've had kids but still he always has to say something bad about me. I tried talking to him, but he always says that he hates my mom. I don't know why.  🙁 

Well, he is a very good father and he hijabs me, although I have worn niqab since I was 14. Now everyday he tells me something so hurtful and makes fun of me. I can't leave him because I don't want my kids to live without their loving dad . He calls me to bed, and the next day he is fine.  I'm scared if I say no that Allah will punish me. 

My husband doesn't love me anymore. He is not attracted to me, although alhumdulillah I'm very beautiful and alhumdulillah slim as I maintain myself.  He shouts at me so much, calls me bad names, and compares me with girls on tv which I cry about. Somtimes he tells me he is mentally ill, which I already know, but he is a very good father. He loves our kids and takes care of them, and even saves money for their future. I don't know how to cope with him. I love him so much and I can't live without him.  And yes, he doesn't pray at all- only jumma.  what should I do, or is there any dua to help me?

Please tell me what should I do or read to make him love me ? And yes,  he also tries to pull me down like saying I am nothing, and he already knows that I'm better looking than him.

-princess2000


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19 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM
    TO START I WILL SAY PEOPLE LONG FOR 30 40 YEARS AND THEN LOOSE HOPE AFTER A CERTAIN AGE THAT ALLAH WILL GIVE US GOOD WIFE LIKE YOU ONLY IN AKHIRAH-
    ALAS PEOPLE LIKE YOUR HUSBAND HAVE NOT KNOWN WHAT IS A WOMAN WHAT IS THE ESTEEM OF THAT SPECIAL SPECIES WHICH ALL MADE IN THE WHOLE CREATION YOU WONT BELIEVE SOMETIME I WONT HAVE WORDS TO PRAISE ALLAH FOR HIS MAGNIFICENT ARTISTRY AND SKILL OR WHAT EVER I HAVE NO WORDS-IT LOOKS AS IF THE SAME IS MOVED OUT OF THE WORLD THE GARDENS WILL BECOME DESERTS AND REAL FLOWERS WILL BECOME FLOWERS OF PAPER-
    IF THEY ARE NOT RESPECTED OR TREATED AS THEY BE LIKE YOUR CASE-
    I WILL GIVE SOME MATTER MAY BE YR IN LAWS OR SOMEONE HAVE DONE SOME THING ON HIM TO MAKE THIS LIFE HELL-
    JUST IT MIGHT BE MY GUESS BUT TRYING IS NO HARM OR LOSS- ITS THE QURANIC HEALING ITS THE WORD OF ALLAH TRY MAY BE SOME HIDDEN MISCHIEF/SPELL MIGHT BE BROKEN-
    SEEING YOUIR SINCERITY ALLAH WILL BLESS YOU- DONT WORRY-DEAR READ AND DO THIS-

    Ruqya in Arabic means healing, the Islamic way according to the sharia, only Qur'an and sunnah, applying the Qur'an THE WORDS OF ALLAH SWT on the patients.
    We are told in the Qur'an that Prophet Ibraheem, alayhis salam, said, "And when I am ill, it is He Who cures me." [26:80]

    The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wasallam, said: "There is a remedy for every malady, and when the remedy is applied to the disease it cures it with the permission of Allah, the Exalted and Glorious." (Muslim) Also, the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
    "Make use of the two remedies: honey and the Qur'an." (Tirmithi)
    Have a spray bottle.
    fill it up with water prefer mineral water.
    with the bottle open put your mouth as close to the top of the bottle and recite sourah al Fatiha then blow in the water. Ayat al kursee then blow in the water. Then do the same with sourah al ikhlass, al falaq, al Nass.
    close your bottle your water is ready.
    go to every room close the door if the room and slightly open the window of that room you in.
    recite loudly sourah Fatiha 7 times.
    recite aya al kursee 7 times.
    recite sourah al zalzalah 7 times.
    straight away as reciting the athan you should spray with that water you prepared every corner of that room.
    never spray without reciting the athan.
    when finished spray all the corners of the room close the window and do the same with every other room in your home.
    DONT DO IT IN TOILET.....
    when every room is done play sourah al baqarah in each room.
    make sure your pray the nafl salat in your home. As the prophet said :
    Don't turn your homes to grave yards not praying salat in your homes.(Meaning tahajud and optional prayers)
    Sahih bukhari and MUSLIM
    VERY GOOD WEBSITE ABOUT RUQIYA SAVE.ALSO GIVE OTHERS WHO ARE IN TROUBLE
    http://www.missionislam.com/health/quranhealing.html
    REGARDS

  2. Sister so in summary,

    He bad mouths your parents..
    And calls you names..
    Physically abuses you...
    Compares you to women on tv
    Doesn't pray
    Emotionally abuses you...

    And yet he is a good dad??? In what world is that a good father?

    If you have sons they will learn to treat women like pieces of garbage and if you have daughters they will learn to accept abuse as normal??

    I don't see anything good at all my love.

    You might love him, but is it good for you or your children to be with him and for them to hear their father abuse their mother?

    You can recommend he go to therapy to improve himself.

    You can ask a trusted family member for help and guidance, and maybe someone who can influence him in a good way

    And do try to get him back to praying because if he loses that, what kind of example is he for his children?

    If he doesn't improve, do want your children to live in that kind of environment? Don't be afraid of him sister, Allah is always there for your support and sustenance. You can live without abusive people who have not figured out how to treat others, you can always leave and figure out your life. You are young.

    Life doesn't not end after him, you deserve respect and most of all someone who knows how to treat you like his wife, not his floormat.

    Many Allah make things easy for you sister, pray iistikhara but don't stay because you are afraid, leave because your children don't need learn how a to be future Abusers like him. Stop the cycle sister.

    • I know it hurts me but there is no way out for me he is never gonna leave my kids to go with me he will keep threatening me and sumtimes he tells me than if u leave u will pay for it and i live in arab country where there are boundaries which means world is harder for a women to survive. May Allah Saw help me out i m sure there will be a better way for me

      • My dear sister,
        Do you have family near where you live? If you do, please tell them what's going on and move in with them temporarily. Your parents love you more than anything, and if you say he is abusing and threatening me...then they should be there for you and if he dares touch you, they should be calling the police to arrest him.

        It's complicated I know. It's hard. It's a choice you have to make.

        What is your breaking point sister? When he hits you so hard your bruising, when he hits your children? When he humiliates you infront of your grown children? When he threatens to kill you and squeezes your neck to show you how serious he is? Abuse can get very bad, it's starts off mild and just gets worse as he drives your self esteem into the garbage and raises his own ego.

        When do you stand up for your self?

        You are a good woman and you do not deserve this.

        Even in Arab countries I hope the police help women who are being hit. Talk to your family my dear. Do not fear his threats, because you have Allah as your protector.

        And most of all I know it's a huge problem and a huge life changing decision, so pray iistikhara and make dua.

      • http://www.halaltube.com/jeffrey-lang-the-purpose-of-life

        Here is link to lecture about a speaker who's mom was abused by his dad. I think it should give you an idea of maybe what your children might be feeling.

  3. Sister something to think about....

    If you are walking down the street and someone shouts insults at you and calls you ugly and says profanities to you. Do you just sit there and take it?

    When someone hits you because for whatever stupid reason and physically attacks you..you sit there'd and do nothing too?

    If this was a stranger you call the police and stand up for yourself. You would be like, you can't treat me like that. It would be so shocking for a stranger to do that.

    But if this is your husband....you just sit there and cry? And say this is my destiny to be patient with this abusive husband!

    There are limits and you have dignity my sister, do not let him walk all over you.

  4. Dear sister felt very sorry after reading all that above! Ina lil lahe waina elahe rajeoun!

    He might be mentally sick but for sure he is tricking you. For his sexual pleasures. Which in case you are his wife and of course that is in a sense is perfectly fine according to Islamic point of view. But the way he is treating you is itself shameful. And as you said he do not pray so his heart is already blackened. Ina lil lahe waina elahe rajroun!

    That is why lust and evil deeds has already made its way into his psyche. You need to make dua. And insha'Allaah moderators will let you know that. Amen!

    Remember Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Is the Only Helper. Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Will Let you out. So, Pray More to Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) for help. And doing the things in bed as you do just because of the fear of Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is a reward for you in Akhira (the Judgement Day) never forget. But the way he treats you is so low. Astaghferullah!

    So, for now just wait for the moderators to answer your query.

    Oh Allaah Help her! Amen!

    Allaah Knows the Best!

    • JazakAllah brother .

    • JazaAllah khier brother please suggest me sum duas to read i want to stay strong and bring him back to normal life

      • Praise be to Allaah.

        There is no specific soorah or du’aa’ that may be recited in the situation described, but you can pray for your husband however you wishes, such as saying, “O Allaah, take away his anger, O Allaah, make him patient, O Allaah, grant him tranquillity.” You should call on Your Lord(Allaah) by His(Allaah) Most Beautiful Names and beseech Him(Allaah) to help you; you should strive to offer your supplication at the times when du’aa’s are most likely to be accepted, such as during the last third of the night, or the last hour of Friday, or the Day of ‘Arafaah, and when prostrating during prayer, and so on. We ask Allaah to put your affairs straight.
        May Allaah Bless our Prophet Muhammad sal lal laho elahe wasallam. Amen!

        Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (Reference taken)

        Allaah Knows the Best!

  5. Sister,

    Your husbands need to put you down clearly shows he is insecure about who he is. You need to find your voice and use it. You are his wife and the mother of his children and as such, he should not treat you in the manner that he is. Being a good wife does not mean you allow your husband to disrespect you and talk down to you.

    Have you ever asked your husband why he does not like your parents? What have they done to earn his disrespect? After all, you are their daughter and they did give you in marriage to him. You say you were 17 when you got married? Well... you aren't 17 anymore! You are now older and wiser and as such you need to speak up for yourself. Your silence in regards to your husbands blatant disrespect for your parents and you only allows him to continue his verbal and physical abuse.

    You say you can't leave him because he is a good father however, is that enough for you? To be with a man who does not respect you, does not respect your parents, verbally and physically abuses you and calls you to bed when he wants his needs fulfilled? Where do your needs come into play? You say everything is fine in the morning however in reality, that is far from true. You are hurting deeply from your husbands abuse and hurtful words. This is no way for you to carry on within your marriage.

    I don't think it is that your husband doesn't love you anymore...he doesn't love himself hence his mistreatment of you. Him shouting at you, calling you bad names. Your husband tells you that he is mentally ill and I am not going to argue with him on that. However...if he is aware of his mental state, is he getting help? Does he take medication? It is one thing when a person is unaware of their illness and yet another when they are fully aware and do not address it.

    You say that you love him so much and he is a good father however with the way that he is treating you, there will come a time when that love will not be enough. There will come a time when you are going to become a shell of your former self. There will come a time that you won't even recognize the person that you once were.I know...I have been where you are. Although my husband has never and will never lay a hand on me (because that is where I draw the line), his verbal abuse over many years has taken a toll on me emotionally.
    After years of abuse, I began to stand up for myself. I did not take his verbal abuse any longer and when my husband hurled abuse at me, I hurled it back even harder.

    If I have learned anything during my marriage, I have learned to speak up and that clearly is what you need to do. I can honestly say to you that I have a respect within my marriage now that I did not have for a very long time. Maybe I needed to stand up and be strong in order to earn his respect...Allah hu Alem. In regards to making your husband love you...no one can do that. He clearly needs to love himself before he can ever love anyone else. I implore you to involve your family in your marriage. Obviously they are not aware of the pain and suffering that you have endured and continue to endure. Speak to them. They love you and will want to help you in any way that they can.

    Salam

  6. OP: Somtimes he tells me he is mentally ill, which I already know

    You can't expect mentally ill people to behave normally some times. What is his mental illness. Is he physically violent. Does he threatens to hurt you bad or kill you?

  7. Asalamu alaikum,

    I just cant understand, you said he started being physical abuse? Did you tell your parents? If not why? Biggest mistake is when you suffer in silence. You are still young, slowly but surely it will take a toll on you.

    You say you love him? Its more like one sided. If you think this is love, then sis you dont know how true love feels. Its a 2 way thing.

    Ma salama..

    • Asalamu Alaikum,

      You are a articulate person that you can relate what is happening to you. Do not confuse yourself about "love" and the situation you are in. You need to wake up and open your eyes and listen with your ears. You are so young and so timid to deal with the situation yourself, you need help.

      If you husband is mentally ill or having a tendency of mentally ill, he cannot function normally, period. He will repeat the pattern of being a abusive person either verbally or physically. YOU ARE A EASY TARTGET AS YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO SAY NO TO HIM. Here is even a more horrible picture for you : the pattern will get worse if he is being triggered by any events. Your life is in danger. This is not about love. BRING HIM TO SEEK HELP.

      OK, I may give him a good excuse for his unstable mental state that leads him not praying 5 times and verbally abusive behavior.

      Sister, please listen to yourself, he is not able to function and there is nothing on your part can help. You are very and too young to face all this yourself. I guess you are not secure of how you are going to live without him since you may not even finish your high school. I don't know where are you living now, if you are in UK/US, there are services provide for your type of case. You DO NOT HAVE TO live with that. My heart goes with you. If I were your parents, I would be so hurtful to see my daughter in this state. You need to take care yourself. You are so kind and gentle and fragile. I will pray for you. Go seek professional help, pray to Allah but don't just sit at home and waiting for miracle to happen. If you love your children, do it now.

      .

      • Thank you sister please tell me how hard it will be to deal with kids after thier dad how they will live without him

  8. Salam brothers and sister so i was really upset and my head just turned upside down and i fell on ground. After sum time when i woke up i saw him saying dont do this drama he left me on the floor my kids were cryinh then i stood up for my rights i talked to him whats wronh with u he said i hate u do whateva u can i said y did u abused me he said may u didnt know how i can hit u then i said okay hit and see hat i will do he said ohh so lets see .. Okay now i m trying to be very stronh i pray to Allah please u also pray for me if he hits ke mext time i will call the cops inshallah and i wanted to ask what are the children custody issues i will never let my kids stat with him my kids are 3 and 2 both boys and yes i live in kuwait

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister princess2000,

      The thing shouldn't be about waiting till he hits you the next time before you call the police. He has abused you enough already, and it appears to be that he is truly sick - he has a mental problem. So you need to report him (at this moment) and then request for a temporal separation, and live with your parents for sometime. During the separation he should be able to work on two things; His religious commitment and his mental problem.

      Don't listen to him when he threatens you and say he will make you pay for it when you leave. He can't do anything if the government is involved. So seek help from your parents and report him. This is the right time for him to think of changing, or else he is going to threaten you in the future, and abuse you much after many years and you can't leave him at that time, especially after having many children and closing many doors of marriage proposals. So be wiser dear Sister!!!

      Or you may let your parents talk to a lawyer about the issue first before you report him. The lawyer could give you guidance on how to deal with the issue, plus what could happen in the case of the children's custody.

  9. A mother has more rights over the children than the husband. You should be able to get custody over them.

  10. Asslaamu Alaikkum Sister,

    From what I have heard about your plight, I can glean that its a not too uncommon problem. As you have rightly guessed, your Husband's actions are caused most likely by a kind of mental Instability, due to his insecurities and not any permanent mental Illness per-se. I will list down some reasons that males, typically have such insecurities.

    Reasons:

    1. If wife is much better looking than the husband - inferiority complex and the inherent fear that she may leave him for somebody better.
    2. Sexual Non Performance - Same feelings as above.
    3 Education/Status Gap - Education and Financial Gap between families of the spouses, too create insecurities almost in the above mentioned states.

    How to tackle this issue - Some pointers.
    Rather than going for an all out divorce at this stage, just try to analyse what makes your Husband act so. If they fall into any of the above categories, just try out some of the solutions that most probably helps in such situation.

    Case-1: Assure your husband in a subtle way that you find him very attractive and that nobody compares to him. Dont be too flashy in your admissions lest he may feel that you are faking it.

    Case-2: Sexual Non Performance happen due to many reasons. Stress @ Work, detrimental habits like smoking, Pan Masala etc., bodily conditions like diabetes, heart troubles etc. If case-2 is the problem, then try to understand what are the factors contributing to it and try to wean your husband away from it. If diseases are the reason try to push him in a slightly motherly way to be regular on his medication and exercises as required.

    Case-3: In this case it will require support from your family too. Rather than blaming your husband right away, try to talk to your parents, to make him feel more @ home with them. Assigning responsibilities and putting trust in him, by your parents, will help in a great way to reduce the alienation.

    If none of the above are applicable try to bring attention to your woes to your In-Laws. Ask them to advice and persuade your Husband lovingly, for a Psychoanalysis and/or a detailed physical checkup. But I have to warn you. Me are big in Ego. So as not to sound too condescending, tell your in-laws to present it as though you to are having depression issues and that it will be best solved by participation of both you and your husband.

    Insha Allah, I hope any or some of these suggestions will help you. Whatever suggestions I have given you is from observation of such issues that had happened and Alhamdullilah, solved, amongst the families of some of my relatives and neighbors.

    Always remember that in a Family Conciliation is always the First and Best Option rather than confrontation.

    May Allah Grant you solution to all your Problems and a Long Happy Life Ahead,

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