Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why does she hate me?

arguing-couple

Slm

I didn't want to post this but I just feel I need a neutral opinion. I've been married for few years and like most couples we have our ups and downs. My wife has made great sacrifices in adapting to married life which I genuinely appreciate. However whenever we have a disagreement she always resorts to making personal insults and can never discuss matters in a constructive manner. This really angers me and I retribute by making comments I know will offend her.

I recently attended her workplace and she happened to be dealing with male customers. I don't like her interacting with the opposite gender as it creates a sense of jealousy as childish as it may sound. One of the reasons is that as mentioned earlier she simply cannot discuss matters constructively with me yet she seemed to be very cooperative with her customers. She saw me and wasn't happy at the way I looked at her as I had embarrassed her in front of her colleagues. I reacted by saying I don't like her talking to non mehram in a jolly manner. She reacted in her normal rude manner accusing me of looking at her female colleagues . .. Now I would like to know the opinions of others on this in particular the sisters as to how they feel about me being uncomfortable about her interacting with the males albeit in a professional capacity.

In addition to this her mother and my mother have ongoing minor health problems. Often my mum is physically unwell yet my wife doesn't ask my mum regarding her wellbeing. Again I would encourage her to ask how my mum is to strengthen the bond between the two but again I am responded to by a barrage of insults often very personal and rude. She is also of the opinion that I like to cause trouble between my mother and her which is not the case.

Like I mentioned earlier she made many changes to accommodate married life yet these issues seem to be destroying our relationship.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

ottoman

 


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30 Responses »

  1. I think you are the jealous one not your wife. You need to trust your wife you seem to be really insecure of your wife and your marriage. I think I would be really humiliated and embarrassed if my husband would turn up at my office as well. How do you think she felt? You think too much and I don't think its her job to be looking after your parents that's your job not being selfish or anything. If I was married I wouldn't want my husband making a fuss of my parents when its my role to take of my parents. Also why should she stop talking or dealing with non mahram customers when that's her job to do. The way I see it, your wife is not doing anything wrong in fact she is earning a halaal income whats wrong with that. You seem to want to control her to the extend where you push her buttons and you also argue with her. Your the one causing the drifts and distance in your marriage I personally think you need to let go off them.

  2. To be honest I think you both need to go for a marriage councleing!!

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    I am assuming that you know that a person cannot refuse to deal with a customer of the opposite gender--whether it is a female attending to a male customer or a male attending to a female customer. You didn't mention her profession--but it sounds like she is a sales attendant possibly? Also, you say that you noticed she was cooperating with the customer--I don't know what you expected, but if she was doing her job and she would do the same job with a female customer, then you want to re-evaluate your thinking.

    If you are absolutely sure you can't live like this and you are 100% sure that something is going on, then speak to her about it and let her know how you feel without intentionally trying to hurt her.

    In all honesty, I think there is some immaturity and unnecessary disagreements going on--maybe the both of you need to work on communication skills. What makes you so insecure? I would venture to think it is ability to be a professional and perhaps do a good job--maybe that is what you are struggling with. The fact that she accuses you of looking at female co-workers also suggests she needs help in communication--but all in all, I think the both of you may destroy a perfectly good marriage that just needs a little tweaking in the communication and security department.

    Don't give up, trust her, love her, talk to her. If she is rude, be firm to her that you want a solution, not a fight--and worst case, attend some counselling sessions with her--you say she has made many accommodations for you so I am sure you realize her worth, but you have to be able to convey that message to her both through words and actions.

    May Allah ease your problems and strengthen your relationship with your wife, Ameen.

  4. I agree with the other sisters.

    She is talking to non-mehrams because that is her job. She can be "jolly" with them because she isn't likely to deal with them again, so there is no emotional weight nor relationship there at all.

    Back at the ranch with your parents, it seems likely that she and they will not have a great relationship and since she married you, not them, you will have to work out some minimal requirements for both of you in dealing with each other's parents.

    Marriage counseling sounds like a fantastic idea. It seems that you two both need to grow up and act like adults.

  5. Not to be dismissive, but I don't believe that this is a big issue. It's just a matter of communicating better, and not trying to one up each other!!! Pick your battles brother, if it's not a big deal or isn't worth it, always make the choice to let it go! You'll be surprised to realize that she will let the petty issues slide too .With that being said, DO NOT be a push over , if something truly bothers you and is a true issue then voice your opinion with care and respect.

    Over all though , I don't think she hates you, think about it why would she try to compromise adapt as much as she already has!!!

  6. Assalamoalaikum ;To be honest there are very few work places perfect to be called as Islamically fit to work. In most of the places a woman works along with non mehrem males and interact freely depending upon her brought up and nature .If you have strong religious or conservative mind then you should not have married a working woman as it is difficult to find perfect islamic environment for women to work ..She might counter argue about you working with female colleagues so argument will go on ...I see some people advising you to close your eyes and let her do whatever she wants .....That is the common problem with orthodox men .A more liberal man might not have felt bad about her wife mingling with other non mehrem men ..so islam and liberalism don't go hand in hand .choose what you want .

    • Not a single person told him to close his eyes and let her do whatever she wants.

    • @logical no one is advising this brother to close his eyes. The fact of the matter is he is obsessed and controlling. I also think he should go counseling as I don't think the wife is in the wrong.

      Also it doesn't matter where people come from Islamic state or non Islamic country/values. I see a lot of things everyday from Asian people it is really filthy. From my own experience in this world we have to choose our own paths and learn to appreciate what we have. Most likely what is around us has an affect on certain individuals with their behaviors resulting to negativity. All the problems start from shaitaan being jealous and suspicious this is now becoming the norm for a lot of asain people. If you don't trust one another how is the marriage going to work. Communication, respect and trust needs to be inputted and problem solved.

  7. Guidelines on women working outside the home (From IslamQA)

    I am a 20-year-old girl studying engineering. I work during the summer in a stationary store; in order to pay my college fees, am I sinful? I wear niqab, and sometimes feel that no religious man proposes to me for this reason.
    Praise be to Allaah.
    Firstly:

    The basic principle is that a woman should remain at home, and not go out except for necessary purposes. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And stay in your houses, and do not display yourselves like that of the times of ignorance”

    [al-Ahzaab 33:33].

    Although this is addressed to the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), it also applies to the believing women. It is only addressed to the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) because of their honour and status with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and because they are examples for the believing women.

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman is ‘awrah, and if she goes out, the shaytaan raises his hopes (of misguiding her). She is never closer to Allaah than when she stays in her house.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan and Ibn Khuzaymah; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Shaheehah, no. 2688.

    And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said concerning a woman’s prayer in the mosque: “Their houses are better for them.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (567) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

    For more information please see the answer to question no. 6742.

    Secondly:

    It is permissible for a woman to go out of her house for work, but that is subject to certain conditions. If they are met, it is permissible for her to go out. They are:

    - That she needs to work in order to acquire the money she needs, as in your case.

    - The work should be suited to the nature of woman, such as medicine, nursing, teaching, sewing, and so on.

    - The work should be in a place that is only for women, and there should be no mixing with non-mahram men.

    - Whilst at work she should observe complete shar’i hijab.

    - Her work should not lead to her travelling without a mahram.

    - Her going out to work should not involve committing any haraam action, such as being alone with the driver, or wearing perfume where non-mahrams can smell it.

    - That should not lead to her neglecting things that are more essential for her, such as looking after her house, husband and children.

    Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen said: The field in which a woman works should be only for women, such as if she works in teaching girls, whether in administration or technical support, or she works at home as a seamstress sewing clothes for women and so on. As for working in fields that are for men, this is not permissible for her because it requires her to mix with men, which is a great fitnah (source of temptation and trouble) and should be avoided. It should be noted that it is proven that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I have not left behind me any fitnah that is more harmful to men than women; the fitnah of the Children of Israel had to do with women.” So the man should keep his family away from places of fitnah and its causes in all circumstances. End quote.

    Fataawa al-Mar’ah al-Muslimah (2/981)

    If these conditions are met in your work, then there is nothing wrong with you doing it in sha Allaah.

    We ask Allaah to grant you a righteous husband, for He is able to do that.

    And Allaah knows best.

    http://islamqa.info/en/106815

    • This opinion varies both within and between the different schools of fiqh.

      The supervisor of the market under the Caliph 'Umar was a woman.

      Maliki fiqh does not hold that the voice of a woman is awrah. Neither are her hands, and in most opinions, her face is not either in a Muslim community.

      One reason for the differences of opinion is the content of the immediately proceeding ayah:

      al-Ahzaab (33:32) Wives of the Prophet, you are not like other women.46 If you fear Allah, do not be too complaisant in your speech lest those with diseased hearts should covet you; but speak in a straight forward manner.

      Shia scholars use the portion of the ayat that refers to removing the faults of the Ahul Bayt and sanctifying as proof of the infallibility of the people of the house see Ahzaab (33:33) - "Stay in your houses and do not display your finery with the display of the former [days of] ignorance. Maintain the prayer and pay the zakat and obey Allah and His Apostle. Verily, Allah has decreed to remove fault from you, O' Ahlul Bayt, and sanctify you in a perfect way."

      • ASA -

        I wish to point out that some of the "modern fiqh" promoting complete purdah is a creation of the last two centuries or so. It is also most suited to the most affluent societies, as Muslim peasant women have had to work in the fields, in the presence of men, throughout history.

        We forget that women taught and studied at Al-Azhar in the early days.

        Sometimes I suspect that people confuse Islam with Hislam. I hear strange things about husbands and fathers being entitled to take women's earnings, etc.

        • Some extracts from IslamQA sites

          One of the biggest problems that are encountered by some Muslims who live in the west is that they adapt so much to the western culture that they find it difficult to practice ‘Islam’. Some of them have become so indoctrinated with the western ideologies and trends, it becomes difficult for them to see the wisdom, beauty and purity in the Quranic laws and injunctions. For such people, the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAS) has become old fashioned.

          It is on account of this, we find that today, many Muslims have a great misunderstanding of Islam and its teachings and practices. Being ‘cultured’ into an ‘UnIslamic Culture’ they tend to repel, resist and even question the authentic teachings of Islam.

          As I said before, the ease that is present in the Islamic teachings must be viewed from the correct perspective. If not, then we will find that Muslim women will see that it is difficult to cover themselves properly and wear the hijab, niqaab or purdah. Beardless men will also think that it is difficult to keep a beard, those who have grown accustomed to mixing and mingling with the opposite sex will find it extremely difficult to refrain from this, performing Salaah five times a day, fasting the entire month of Ramadhan and embarking on the sacred pilgrimage will all be seen as very difficult for some.

          However, this difficulty is confined only to the perception of the individual which has no external truth or reality. Hence, it is essential that we view the Islamic teachings from the proper perspective, and do not analyze these based on our personal likes and dislikes. Our personal inclination to a particular practice and aversion to another, must not be the criterion to gauge what is ‘easy’ and what is ‘difficult’ in Islam. At all times, we must remember that it is Allah alone who Has sent the Prophet (SAS) as a teacher to mankind, hence, our practices must be in accordance to his teachings.

          http://islamqa.org/hanafi/darululoomtt/52504

        • Some may want to read:

          http://theislamicworkplace.com/2009/07/22/can-muslim-women-work-outside-their-homes/

          Anonymouse, you wrote:

          It is also most suited to the most affluent societies, as Muslim peasant women have had to work in the fields, in the presence of men, throughout history.

          This is a very valid point but this is not history, it is still present life unfortunately. Go to Pakistan or India or many other countries in Asia and you will find women (Muslim and non-Muslim) going from house to house having to clean (very difficult labor work), cook and many other things because they are living well below the poverty line with absolutely no labor laws or guidelines. On top of this, many are accompanied with their children who work along with them rather than the attending school, thus being deprived of their basic right, education. Some are so concerned about what is happening in the West when they are clearly blind to what they should be more concerned about the child labor laws in the Eastern part of the world. This whole idea about this happening in the West is nonsense and brought up unnecessarily again and again while some of what is happening in the East is unspeakable.

          And while it is easy to say that Muslim women can't work, this leaves widowed Muslim women or newly reverted sisters with very little choice. One writer writes the following:

          Sadly, we are witnessing a gradual disintegration of the institution of marriage around the world, even among the Muslim ummah. Combined with the skyrocketing cost of living and high numbers of young women reverting to Islam who dwell mostly in the West, and who, despite their sincere intentions to get married and desperate search for a spouse, remain single - the coming years will witness more and more working women to financially support themselves.

          So instead of wondering whether Islam lets women work or not, our primary concern as a global ummah should be whether our women are being provided for and supported the way they should be?

  8. Salams,

    If your wife works on a cash register or as a sales attendant she has no choice but to smile and be friendly. That is her professional job and as such she doesn't care about her customers like she care for you! Stop obsessing brother. She's just trying to keep her job.

    It sounds like she also might be irritated with your mother over something so of course she is not going to act jolly with her or be the most attentive.

    The most important thing to remember is that she is yours. Your wife. Your best friend in this dunya and your other half. Treat her as such and be gentle.

    Salam
    Shereen

  9. Brother, she is your wife! Just tell her how you feel.

    Tell her that you realise that she has made sacrifices and that you appreciate that. Tell her that you wish you could discuss things with her in a mature and respectful manner without it resulting in some form of quarrel.

    And also be honest about how you feel when she insults you, let her know it angers you and hurts your feelings. Explain to her that you married her hoping to make a happy life with her (I assume you did) and not so she could make you feel bad and that her behaviour does just that. And in case any of your responses makes her feel bad that would be a good time to apologise for that.

    Let her know that you don't like her interaction with nonmahrams because it makes you feel jealous, but however, since she is your wife and you love her and you want her to be happy you'll allow it. (She's your wife, love her and trust her and let her know so, and inshallah she won't let you down.)

    As for her relationship with your mother, I advise you don't try to force it, give it time. Another thing you can do is to try to improve your relationship with her mother (even if it's already good). It could result in her mother telling her what a good son-in-law you are and as a result she MIGHT appreciate you more and try to return the favour by showing more acre for your mother.

    Personally, I believe honesty is the best policy, but, all in all, this is just advice from a stranger and Allah knows best.

    Make du'aa and ask Allah to guide you both, and be patient and I wish you all the best.

    • There are many differences of opinion.

      I am somewhat annoyed by people who insist that women working, being educated, speaking, or exposing their faces is some *Western* innovation.

      The Caliph 'Umar appointed women to oversee the market - which meant that by necessity they met and spoke with both sexes.

      Women studied at taught at Al-Azhar and other great Islamic universities in the early years.

      Muslim farm women have always had to work on the farm, sometimes around non-mahram men.

      Do you really think that modern 'ulema know more than 'Umar?

      Women spoke in public during the time of the Four Rightly Guided Caliphs. Do modern 'ulema know more than they did?

      The claim is that men and women of today are not like men and women of the Sahaba. This is true, and it is not flattering as the very rights of women and non-Arabs have been abrogated in many cases by our modern 'ulema. Many forget that piety trumps lineage and that suitability is not an absolute limit, leading to casteism and other perversions.

      • Anonymouse,

        I commend your efforts, but unfortunately some people want to make this about the West and the East as if to suggest that Islam is practiced properly only in the east.

        There are many examples of women in Islam who have worked and contributed in Islam--but many just either ignore it or don't bother investigating.

  10. AsSalaamu Alaikum,

    I am sorry. I did not have the time on this day to read through the comments. So please forgive me if my comment is very similar to others already posted.- or maybe there will be no similarity at all...

    I am going to simplify things so please forgive that too.

    Most often if you work, you smile and are accommodating. It is amazing how the promise of money and promotion can motivate someone to be cordial.

    If you do not want your wife to smile and be accommodating then she should not work. Simple easy logic. People can say find some other work, modify your behavior, etc. etc., but I have enough experience to know that what you do is decide what you want and take responsibility for achieving it. Men who do not wish their wives to smile at men, especially in the service sector, should be well prepared before marriage to 1. choose a wife who is not on a career path, and 2. set her up so she does not have to work.

    If she feels she needs to work, then you decide if her need is a deal breaker as far as the marriage goes.

    Rude behavior is immature, but so are irrational demands and expectations.

  11. Assalam Aleykoum Warahmatoullahi Wabarakatouh,

    From a sister's point of view? If my husband does not display a sense of irk/jealousy when I am in proximity to the non-mahram male society. I would wonder what am I lacking? Here, I am talking about a good kinda jealousy. Gheerah!

    Gheerah is an Arabic word which means protectiveness or jealousy. It is a good type of jealousy, like when a man feels jealous or protective over his wife or sisters or daughters and other-womenfolk and doesn’t like other men to look at them. It is a natural inbuilt feeling Allah has given men and women. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) had the most Gheerah for his wives and all of the companions were known for their Gheerah.

    Muslim men should have a collective sense of protectiveness for Muslim women as Allah says in the Qur’an, the meaning of which is:

    "The Men are the protectors and maintainers of women…"

    (Surah An-Nisaa, Ayah 34)

    "There are three at whom Allaah will not look at (with Mercy) on the day of Resurrection:

    the one who disobeys his parents,
    the woman who imitates men, and
    the duyooth (a man who has no protective jealousy towards his womenfolk).”

    I hope you continue having the sense og Ghirah and to not lose it. As for the friction between you and your wife, TRT TRY TRY to talk to her in a calm and beautiful manner InshaAllah. Make dua for Allah SWT to make it easy for you. Ameen.

    • Sister Zahiriya it's good advise and information about protectiveness and Gheerah..Jazak allah

    • MashaAllah Sister Zahriya. Jazakillahu Khair for your input.

    • Salam sisterZahriya,

      Hope you are well. I don't think this geerah applies to the posters case. This is a form of insecurity and selfishness and having trust issues with the wife.

      If my husband did this I would be mad too! Like his wife. As at work men and women have to be polite and courteous! I wouldn't buy anything from a rude person. I would rather buy something from a polite and helpful person whether male or female. To work as a sales representative you have to sell to people which involves being polite and friendly. I understand if my husband works with women and smiles at them as part of his job so why should he get angry with me for doing the same! Doesnt make sense!

      To the Op if you are not happy with your wife dealing with non mehrem then you should have married a women who stays home all day. This should have been confirmed before the wedding. She made sacrifices for you because she loves you! So value her and speak to her kindly instead of retaliating and get to the bottom of whats bothering her. You need to get to the bottom of the underlining issue here. Effective communication is the key.

  12. OP: However whenever we have a disagreement she always resorts to making personal insults and can never discuss matters in a constructive manner. This really angers me and I retribute by making comments I know will offend her.

    Well you react the same way. You are no better then her. You need to behave like adults. Constructive manner is the way you want things to happen. If she insults you why can't you be nice to her and set a good example.

    How can others know your comment about non-Mehrams was serious or jolly manner?

    If you look at other women you should not feel insecure when your wife talks to men?

  13. Hi Ian muslim and she is also muslim and her family and my family also muslim. i were friend at her in school and she is also friend at me in school
    After some month passes she started to hate.
    Then i left. Because I got job.i want to meet her .is it allow to meet her if she hate me before marriage in islam

    • Shafeek, your question doesn't quite make sense. Why did she start to hate you? And why do you now want to meet her? I say just leave her alone and don't bother her.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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