Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why is getting married unnecessarily difficult? Does Allah send you a spouse or do you go and find one yourself?

Apologies if my post appears too long, it's a sensitivity and frustrating subject for me, but I am sure there are TONS of other individuals in the same boat, and maybe a few who will relate to my situation specifically.

I am by no means a perfect Muslim, but my intentions are there, and my actions prove my faith and my sincerity. I graduated 5 years ago, and have been working for most of that time since. So I will start my story from there, as my life leading up to graduation was difficult and overbearing with no time to settle down with anyone.Since graduating, I thought it time to complete the last chapter of my young in seeking out marriage and completing half my deen.

I am an only child, I live with and support my mother who is retired and suffers many serious illnesses. I live in the west, in a very large city that is overpopulated, and rife with fitnah, I was born and educated in this country. I have many financial obligation for my mothers house, since my father left the home early. I have a fairly well paying job, I don't go out much, I am careful with money and saving for the future. I don't have many friends, all my extended family reside in the native country of both my parents, I rarely have the time to contact them. I don't have many friends, I keep my life simple as I have a home to run, a mother to support, and my own job that keeps me very busy.

And thus, finding a spouse is so difficult for me. Me and my mother are very, very opposite people in terms of personality. She has found me some potential spouses, but unsurprisingly, their personalities all matched my mothers very well, and so were not compatible with me at all.

There have only been two serious occasions where I have found someone and attempted to pursue marriage in the past 5 years since graduating.

Occasion one - Found someone though an online dating site (haram), we met up got along well, I mentioned my intention early, but we ended up in a relationship (I fell in love) as she delayed the idea of marriage by not wanting to tell her parents. I made some mistakes and I left the relationship knowing that we wanted different things long term, my conscience knew that it was haram and I made taubah and promised allah I would never repeat this mistake ever again.

 

Occasion two - stayed away from dating sites and the opposite sex for 2 years until another potential opportunity cropped up at work. I spoke to her through a mutual friend at work, within 2 days of speaking to her I asked to approach her father and mother to discuss engagement as a way to continue finding out about her in a halal way, and so that her family knows me from the very beginning. This did not end well, her father had too many unreasonable requirements of me, which was confusing as I had a good job, lot's of savings, and was well educated, and I demonstrated my sincerity by meeting him 1 week after speaking to his daughter. My mother seriously objected to the whole thing. Her father asked for far too much bridal and divorce money. Anyways this failed very very badly but I learnt a lot.

One year later, I've learned a lot, that finding someone where I work is unlikely to be suitable, and using online methods are a waste of time. I have no network of people to turn too, my mother cannot find me anyone, finding anyone from her native country would not be practical for legal and financial reasons.

I have spent the past three Ramadans making huge amounts of dua (in the special last ten days) for Allah to send me a spouse, I pray 5 times a day, when it is very difficult to find a place to pray where I work, asking allah to send me a spouse or an opportunity that I have no problem seizing.

My requests are simple, I just want to complete half my deen. I just want to find that one person I can settle down with, and my standards aren't high, but they are high enough to know what will promote a successful marriage. I have seen many rush into incompatible relationships and end up a nightmare, and others that settle with spouses they don't find attractive and resort to cheating. I am surrounded by fitnah, surrounded by haram relationships, and I continue to remain patient.

 

My question, is my dua misplaced? Should I be making dua for a spouse or even an opportunity to arise for me to seize. Or should I be out there looking for one, because I have NO WHERE to look. I have very limited time as well, i feel incredibly hopeless.

I seem to have lost my mind, I no longer understand what to pray for anymore. I have testified to allah time and time again that my situation is hopeless and that only you can help me. Everything I have written is only 1 % of my actual problems, and severity of my situation. For many years I contemplated suicide, that is no longer an issue for me, I am willing to endure this pain for the rest of my life, I'll die one day at some point. But it is ongoing torture to be alone, to be tested daily with feelings of rejection, others having relationships, horrible fitnah in the city.

Adam, the first human being, was in heaven when he was still feeling lonely and Allah gave him eve. I am in Dunia, the lowest point, and all I continue to ask for is my Eve, but I get no answer. I must have done something incredibly wrong in my life, but I just cannot fathom what it is. I do my 5 pillars of Islam excellently, minus Hajj which I haven't done yet. I think Hajj is the only thing I haven't tried yet in terms of worship, but it is very expensive.

 

Allah never tests someone with more than they can bear. But what does this really mean? Because I am no longer living, I am just existing.  Is it that you go through hardship to strong that you survive barely in tact? I've lost so much. But al hamdellah I stil have my health, and I still have modest wealth. But going through life is difficult when you are lonely and you have needs, that why we were created in pairs.

imtrying

 


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9 Responses »

  1. Brother my advice is this... I have been married for 7 years and found my wife on Islam website and we had so many fights and arguments physical and everything only recently has calmed down but in the beginning I thought we were so similar to each other but let me tell you something... If I could go back in time then I would honour my mother by giving her the decision to find me a wife because I believe she knows women better than I can ever know and she would never find me someone who is not good. In your situation don't forget you are looking after you mum which means she will be in your life for a long time so it is wise that your mum will get along with your new wife so let her choose. My advice only sincere for you. Looks like Allah sent you few wife through your mother already but it was you who refused. Wish you the best

  2. Assalaamualaikum brother. Do not despair in the mercy of Allah and continue making duah. There are some married couples out there who wish they were not married and trying to find a way out, which is more stressful. Try reading these verses after every salaah. Rabee innie liemaa anzalta ielayhie mien ghairien fakier and say OH Allah you have created everything in pairs, the beautiful, the sincere, the pious pair, so please give it to me. I am in the same boat as yourself, but refuse to stop believing and keeping the faith in Allah swt. If not in this world, will we get our spouses in the next world which is eternal. I will keep you in my duahs and please do so for me too. Aameen.

  3. May peace, blessings and mercy be upon you, brothers 'imtrying' and James ahmad, and sister Lady.

    Alhamdullilah for the beautiful advise from two beautiful Muslim Jems, brother James Ahmad and Sister Lady

    A man came to the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said, “Peace be upon you.” The Prophet said, “Ten good deeds.” Then another man came to the Prophet and he said, “Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah.” The Prophet said, “Twenty good deeds.” Then another man came to the Prophet and he said, “Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah and His blessings.” The Prophet said, “Thirty good deeds.”

    Sahih (authentic) according to At-Tirmidhi

    To brother 'imtrying':

    What Allah says is that if you are sailing your boat in the right direction, there's NOTHING to fear or worry about.

    "Those who believe and do good deeds, establish regular prayers, and give charity, their reward is with their Lord and no fear shall come upon them neither shall they grieve. - Surah Al-Baqara, ayah 277

    Mashallah, you've been through a lot of difficulties in your life; your life leading up to your graduation, your mother's illnesses, living in the west with so much fitna and now finding a spouse. BUT how does a believer go through such difficulty?

    The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said,

    “How amazing is the affair of the believer. There is good for him in everything and that is for no one but the believer. If good times come his way, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him, and if hardship comes his way, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.”
    [Muslim]

    So how does a believer endure the hardship and remain patient? Well, Allah strengthens the heart of a believer by making him believe that the difficulty he is going through is from Allah to test him. If your heart isn't given such strength, then you are SIMPLY NOT ON THE RIGHT PATH. That's what Islam is all about, brother. That's what Allah does. That's the beauty of Allah's power. And also Mashallah you pray 5 times and you've made a lot of dua in the past 3 Ramadhans, but your emaan could still weak and as you've said this is only 1% of your problems, how about I help you raise your emman so that you'll have no doubt that your'e on the right path?

    The people you've seen rushing into "incompatible relationships and end up a nightmare, and others that settle with spouses they don't find attractive and resort to cheating" is because of not being GUIDED from Allah. As Allah says in the Quran: “And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much” [al-Shoora 42:30]. Meaning because of your disobedience and your going against the command of Allaah, that calamities befall you.

    I'll be waiting to hear from you, Inshallah.

    Salaam.

    • Asalamu aleikum brother
      We are all tested in different ways and I believe whatever happens to a believer is decreed by Allah most high.you have to compromise what you are looking for in a woman and let mummy choose for you,about compatibility, well we all have our differences life is about accepting, enduring what is good and have patience in all obstacles for surely no one is perfect.
      I pray that Allah grant you pious wife who will help you and mummy have better life

  4. Assalamu alaikum brother,

    I can relate to a lot of what you said and indeed marriage has become unnecessarily difficult these days due to all the wrong reasons. I am in the same boat and I can tell you it doesn't get easier but its important to keep the bigger picture in perspective.

    Since you only mentioned dating sites as your online avenue I want to ask have you also considered matrimonial sites? Sites like purematrimony which are strictly for practicing Muslims? It could be a good way to continue your search insha Allah. Like the hadith goes, tie your camel and then rely on Allah. What we tend to forget is the result of our work is not in our hands but the efforts we put in are and that could make all the difference insha Allah. Let the records show that you did your part and indeed Allah never lets anyone's effort be lost.

    I don't know much about Muslim communities in the west but if there is a masjid you attend, you can try making friends and acquaintance with other brothers that come there and get a word in that you're looking to get married. May be exchange your biodata/details.

    Also don't forget to check in hindsight and compare the kind of person you were and the person you are now. I am sure you'll recognize that your priorities have changed and your attitude towards finding a spouse and marriage in general may have matured. There is always wisdom in a delay whether it is that the alliances that didn't work out were just wrong or that you were not ready. So please never lose hope. Its a difficult road but not an impossible one to walk.

    May Allah bless those of us who are waiting to marry with a pious spouse that is right for us and makes us forget the pain and bitterness of waiting and makes all the wait worth it. Ameen

    • Aameen kitty lover and thank you for your message of inspiration. May all duahs be accepted for those finding difficulty in finding compatible spouses Aameen ya a Rabb.

  5. Salam,

    You have a minor problem but your way of thinking is turning it into a huge problem that has you contemplating suicide and whether you're being tested. So let's start with a few things:

    Marriages, jobs, all are random events and success is based on trying. You cannot take a single experience and then extrapolate and think of it as a rule.

    You tried online once, it was not haram to try online and you did. You could've gone to her parents yourself but you asked the girl to do it. Just because that one online experience was bad doesn't mean the rest would be, but you gave up. You extrapolated from that one experience and gave up all online dating.

    You then stopped looking for two years until an opportunity arose at work. The father feared divorce and thus was asking a high amount of cash. He just didn't want you divorcing his daughter. You took this personally and then again, gave up. Not just this girl, but all possible work relationships ever.

    I mean if you keep giving up like this after a single encounter then sure, your only choice left will be to pray that Allah ships you spouse and she arrives at your doorstep.

    Now other than this, you have other problems you need to solve. Go get friends. Carve out time for yourself where you can join a club and get friends. Find out how you're going to run a marriage with the time you have. You may need to sacrifice on where you live or how many hours you work but this needs to get figured out. Once you have this figured out then yes, you can support a marriage

    . Lastly, please change how you think that others are simply settling. We all are settling in marriage. We have no choice. Men and women age, you marry a guy or a girl and then eventually he will look like a grandpa and she will look like a grandma. No amount of careful planning and picking is going to stop them from aging. And none of the grandmas and grandpas are saying their spouse is the hottest spouse ever, they live with it because its life. They don't resort to cheating because their spouse isn't attractive anymore, that's a choice the cheating people make.

  6. Hello,

    I understand your pain, i went through it a few times when i was younger. "Where is a woman for me?" "when will i find her?"
    The truth is there are probably thousands and thousands of women out there that will want to be married immediately. mostly those marriages don't work out or are a disaster. But there is perhaps far more women out there who will want to know a man first before thinking about marriage.
    For instance, you can mention you want to be married one day, but the moment you say you have chosen them for engagement specifically on first or second meeting, they turn tail and run. Also why such a rush to get married? How old are you 25? Best thing is just focus on you. keep an internet dating profile up - it may take a while and quite a few chats, and one day you'll meet someone you'll really love.

    Take Care and best of luck

  7. did you find someone?

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