Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why is he letting his family tell him who to marry?

Controlling husbandGood day! I would like to seek for advice for I want to understand what is happening with a muslim family. I've been together with my boyfriend for less than a year. He is 24yrs old and I am 23yrs old. yes it is not that long but since the day we met each other we already feel comfortable like we've known each other for a long time ago.

For the past months everything was so perfect we may argue but always fix things up, he didn't take me to his house yet to introduce to his family but they know I exist. Then by end of January there is a big problem ahead of us that we didn't see it coming because as I said everything is perfect, One day they ask him to marry his ex (which is a muslim and she's a relative) but he said no he doesn't want to marry his ex then his mom found another girl and the girl likes him.

I'm trying to convince him but he always tell me he doesn't want to see his mom cry, his mom is his everything and I admire him for that, But his family is asking for too much. At first they choose which career they want for him, next his car and now his life time happiness.

I want to understand everything, Why is it so big deal to arrange a marriage for their child? Why they cannot let their child choose for his own happiness? Why they are doing this to him/us? Why is it so hard for him to just chose US? (Is there any islamic logic for this?) what should I do? Everyday it hunts me down while our deadline is near.. Is there any other way to convince him to fight for us? Or if no, is there any other way for me to accept the fact that we cannot be together?

Thank you



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5 Responses »

  1. I didn't read any information in your story about which culture is your boyfriend's, but I have a good idea which ones it could be. The thing about his culture and other similar ones is that families like to control their children's lives. It's a generational thing or practice, and great pressure through shaming is applied. Based on what you wrote, he is not going to marry you, he's just biding his time.

    Your options are to stay with him until he gets married to a woman of his culture, or leave him to find someone in whose culture these practices are not common. I'd say that your best and most realistic option is to leave him because it's not worth being with someone who does not have the courage to stand up for or defend the person with whom they are involved. It's clear he cannot stand up for both you and himself, so the situation will never change. Thus, you really have to determine whether you want him to continue to treat you like you're a lesser human being. I just heard a quote by a relationship coach, and this pertinent part states as follows: " should not be willing to cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't jump a puddle to be with you."

  2. His behavior has nothing to do with Islam. It’s his culture. I am assuming Pakistani/Indian. Parents live their through their children. He doesn’t have a backbone. You should leave him. He is using you for his good time, he will not marry you, his agenda is that he will do what he likes now for his pleasure then marry a traditional girl. Sorry girl...he will enjoy his time with you now and then dump you with cousin marriage excuses. These stories happen a lot and I dislike these men.

  3. Ask him if he can marry you as a second wife just to find out if he really loves you. If he does, he will agree otherwise he will keep giving you lame excuses.

    Being a second wife is not a big deal as long as you love him

  4. I think u should give up he not going to put u first u deserve love not lust

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