Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why is it haram if we love each other?

Love and marriage

Peace be upon you. Hello my name is Ryan I'm a Christian revert married to a wonderful and beautiful Muslim Malay woman. We live in America, and here there is no stigma attached to our union. We have lots of friends who range in faith's (everything from Christian Jewish Muslim and Hindu to atheism), none of our American friends have ever said our marriage is haram or born of sin.

This is not the case with her friends and family back home, they have told her that our marriage is a fraud, that she's living a life of haram. Her family belittles her saying she's too western, that our children and she should leave me and come back there and never see or talk to me again. I did convert to marry her, but at the time I wasn't a spiritual person, I just wanted to marry her. Now her father says I stole his only daughter, even though I asked his permission first to marry her.

Nothing in my Christian faith says that I can not marry the woman I love, why is it such a horrible thing in Islam for us to be together? Now don't get me wrong I have absolutely nothing against Islam, it is a noble peaceful religion with a great message. It just wasn't for me. I have never pushed my Christian faith on her, and we share the holidays with the kids. They have an Islamic first name, and my Christian last name (which her family also objects to).

In closing I guess what I don't understand is why? I'm a good man I love my wife and children, they are well taken care of. We laugh, play, and love together. There is no reason why people should be against our marriage except that they don't accept me.


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22 Responses »

  1. Hi! Brother thanks for your time to ask such a query. Brother you should know one thing and that is by reverting back to Islam, you are doing something for your own good. Why! The answer is I am a Muslim too. But that is by birth. Then I realized that I have something extraordinary and that is Islam. Then I realized it is a peaceful and awesome religion. Why? Again! Cause it builds your relationship with God. And it is the noblest and the most beautiful thing that can happen into your life.
    Now, the second part. people are not here to make their decisions. People have not created Islam. It is created by God Himself. Just do your duty as a husband and what Islam teaches you to take responsibility of your wife as a Muslim. That is it. And be kind to her.
    Now, the conclusion. It is simple, why it is so important to have a relationship with God. Because once you have that relationship with God. You don't have to bow down to people. You only bow down to God. And the world is your oyster. That is it.
    Hope you know now what is the true meaning to be a Muslim. Best regards, brother! Cheers!

    • Thank you for taking the time to advise me. I've always thought that my wife and I could teach others the value of tolerance and understanding. I just wish more people were listening.

  2. I must appreciate your HONESTY. May ALLAH bless you.

    Now, when you married you converted to ISLAM and post marriage that is now you reverted back to CHRISTIANITY is it ?

    Sorry to say, but this itself is making your whole marriage thing to be called as a FRAUD.

    Reasons -

    * If you werent spiritual before marriage, than at first place WHY did you EMBRACE islam ?

    * If you Embraced Islam then, now why did you revert back to CHRISTIANITY ?

    The above two things must be sounding as if you made a fool of your wifes Family. And so the marriage is being termed as HARAM.

    Also, is your wife okay with you following Christianity while she follows ISLAM ?

    Now Obama is also born to a Muslim father but brought up by his Christian mother. So he follows Christianity a staunch Protestant. 😀
    Jokes apart but what was the case with you ? Born Catholic , converted to Islam and then reverted back to Christianity , is it ?

    I shall be waiting for your response.

    • I was born into a Baptist church family, but religion was never forced on me. I always refered to myself as non-religious in my younger days. That's why I converted, it meant I could marry the love of my life. Then last year I went to church, then I went again, and again. Before I knew it I was going every Sunday. I'm still no holy roller, a term we use, but I have found my faith for the first time in my life.
      My wife was at first apprehensive. She was more worried about what her parents would say(and rightly so it turns out) and that they would be embarrassed by me not being a Muslim. I just don't understand why. I'm the same man I was before I just don't pray the same way as them. I respect and care for her parents I just wish they felt the same way. Recently they called and in the past her mother and I would chat but the last time she said she couldn't talk to me since I was no longer a Muslim. She said it was a sin for her to speak with a man of the book. I was taken aback by that. I learned malay just so I could speak with her family. I'm a good husband to their daughter I work hard so that she and our children have a good life. I've spent tens of thousands of dollars to make sure that she and the kids can visit every Ramadan. It just seems as if they consider me dead. At any rate that's the jest of my spiritual progression and how I've come to this fork in the road of life.

    • Still waiting for your response.

    . DO NOT ASCRIBE PARTNERS with Allah because that is the worst of sin.For this sin will not get you entry into jannah (paradise).The blood is purer and the soul clean .But when we worship idols people etc we are actually worshipping the Devils. THAT'S WHY MUSLIM CAN ONLY MARRY MUSLIM

    • So I'm an idol? You know Christians believe in only one God as well. It is only your perception that I'm going to hell. We will just have to agree to disagree.

      • What he means is that the reason why Islam came is because "Christians" deviated from their original religion. They abandoned the book, began to worship idols (the cross...) and attribute a son to God (or the Jesus AS was God in human form).

        No one knows if they will be accepted into heaven. The Prophet sws said that you can be an arm's length from heaven and do something that will forfeit your paradise, likewise you can be an arm's length from hell and do just one thing that will bring you salvation.

  4. Your marriage is invalid as you said in earlier post that you have went back to Christianity .your wife relationship with you is equal to adultery
    If she bothers about life after death then she need to move out from your house and live seperately .

  5. You need to understand that they are your wife's parents they are worried for her and her future l believe you that you are a good husband taking care of everyone loving them, but being Muslim is a big thing as we only believe in One Allah and Prophet. Just be patient you will find your way don't think too much what her parents say but my advise to you is that if you married your wife as a Muslim just try to go through this religion too; go through Quran you will find your way for sure. Also if you don't want to do it for yourself maybe you can try for your wife as l know a good husband will do anything for his wife. Just relax take your time her parents need to understand that they should not complain as it's your marriage but at the same time they just worried for their daughter you need to understand that

  6. Brother since you have started visiting the church and refound your faith, why don't you study Islam too? You converted to Islam for marriage and have at least on paper been living as a Muslim, right? Your in laws are correct in their concerns even if it seems harsh. The rule is your marriage will become null and void if you have decided to become a Christian.
    Point is not just that your kids and wife are well provided for, point is when you have crisis in life, decisions to make, life after death, spirituality... then where will you, your kids, wife derive guidance from? Religions are our way of life, not a few verses or chants recited just to calm ourselves.

  7. Brother. Well all advices are good expecially the last one. Well they cannot object to ur last Christian name as this is allowed in islam to keep ur fathers name, even if its christian.

  8. To answer this question:
    "Nothing in my Christian faith says that I can not marry the woman I love, why is it such a horrible thing in Islam for us to be together?"

    Islam is about obeying the will of God. She has a command from God asking her to marry none other than a Muslim. She married you and you are no longer muslim. You are a great husband and a good man but you feel Islam isn't for you. You feel there's nothing wrong here other than the weird reaction your inlaws are giving. So consider this example:

    You hire a competent, intelligent good worker. He finishes tasks quickly, he does the job correctly. He's currently married to your daughter too and she loves him alot and he treats her well. Your company has asked you to complete a project by assigning it to him and there's a deadline. Here's the catch, he will not obey you, ever. He will do it when he feels like it, if you ask him he will disobey and do whatever he thinks is best. You only have funds for one guy so what do you do? Do you fire this man and hire someone else that will obey you? What about the job loss and the financial hardship to your daughter and your grand kids? Or more importantly, why isn't the fact that he's a good worker enough for him to stay on? Why must he also obey and do what you're tasking him with? In the end you would have no choice but to fire him because he will not obey and do what you're asking him and there's no way you can get the project done.

    God's position is much higher than an employer. God controls reality, so if the being that God created does not obey God then God does not just fire him. God places that being in eternal hell where that being is on fire. After all, what use is creation with free will to God if that creation refuses to obey? Your wife's parents recognize this. She is in love with you and as such the longer she stays in the marriage the longer she disobeys God and runs the risk of burning in hell for eternity. This is also true for their grand kids as you are taking them to church as well and they may follow your lead in your beliefs.

    So you are still an awesome Christian husband and they like you for that. Their only problem is that by you being Christian and her being muslim, she is now disobeying God and they're about to lose their daughter and possibly the grand kids to hell.

    I hope the analogy helps, the other analogy was having a renter that does not acknowledge you as the owner and doesn't pay rent, but is the best neighbor ever to the other renters.

    • what kind of cruel and arrogant answer is this. how can be you so sure that he will go to hell.

      your statement :God places that being in eternal hell where that being is on fire. After all, what use is creation with free will to God if that creation refuses to obey?

      do you obey all the commandments? ,you never been rude to your parents?, you are very well mannered and pious and you follow everything.
      that means you dont need anything but salah and fast and hajj you dont need Quran to follow coz you are perfect like amir khan.
      Allah will decide whom to send in hell okie you dont have any right to say that somebody shall go to hell okie you are arrogant.
      Allah can forgive all . you cannot instruct Allah to place all in hell and you sit and enjoy in heaven.

      Mr. ryan no body can change the state of heart but Allah but you can try to become a good human being. help the poor , do charity, be good to the orphan. your good deeds will be counted as well and Allah will decide if to forgive an associator or not. islam never exclude prophet essa as messenger but strictly denies him as a son of God.
      Allah dislikes shirk.

      in the end everyone will be accountable for himself not for the deeds and beliefs of others. so you can decide what to chose or if to be ashamed infront of Allah. thanks

      • Salam Lorelei,

        I wasn't answering if Ryan is going to hell. His question was why his in-laws are acting up and the answer to that is that they believe their daughter is risking hell.

        Next, I'm not trying to be cruel or arrogant and sorry if you feel I am. I'm trying to say the law as I know it which is here:
        And whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter.

        So if someone chooses never to obey Allah then I would say that person is not surrendering to God. It does not say that if that person is really good, Allah is fine if they choose to never obey.

        It is still possible to enter heaven as a Christian and I can't say what will happen to Ryan:
        Lo! Those who believe (in that which is revealed unto thee, Muhammad), and those who are Jews, and Christians, and Sabaeans - whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.

        Of course the religions above do submit their will as well.

        As for me I don't know what my outcome will be but I think the grading is on effort and less on outcome as outcomes are up to God. So the grading for whether I obeyed or not isn't based on the outcome of whether I successfully obeyed every command. I think it's on that I tried to. Choosing to disobey means you don't try at all, so it's one thing to fail but another to fail willingly and to go against what Allah commands on purpose all the time. In the end though it is based on the weight of every deed and good deeds negate bad ones. So in the case for his in-laws, they are upset because of the risk to their daughter since now he is no longer muslim.

        I had to look up who Amir Khan is, google shows a boxer and an actor. I don't really see the relevance here as to how he's perfect.

        There are many believers that wish no one would enter hell but this verse still exists:
        Save him on whom thy Lord hath mercy; and for that He did create them. And the Word of thy Lord hath been fulfilled: Verily I shall fill hell with the jinn and mankind together.

        So, Allah can forgive all if Allah wishes and perhaps come up with something unexpected, but as it is written, apparently hell will be filled. Sorry for the emotional distress to you Lorelei.

        • I took no offense to your advice. Thank you for taking the time to comment. While I'm still at a loss as to why this can't be changed to reflect the world we live in now, I will continue to be the best husband, father, and son-in-law I can be.

  9. Ryan,

    There is a story about the Prophet Muhammed's daughter named Zainab and her husband who did not embrace Islam and even was an enemy of the Prophet for some time. I think you should look into this story. It may not give you an answer that you want. But we may love a thing that is bad for us and hate a thing which we so desperately need.

    1. You seem to be confused about the reaction from of her parents. You came to them as a Muslim so you could marry her but then converted out for whatever reason after. Doesn't sound like a very honest thing to have done.

    2. Everyone knows what's right and wrong, but you have no idea that your wife is only apprehensive at first solely because of her parents approval. She was born and raised as a Muslim, and so her conscience is inclined to that way. But as a person slowly strays from the (as Muslims believe) correct path, it becomes easier to ignore the conscience. Especially for the people we've grown attached to and love.

    These two things don't sound very safe to foundation your marriage on. A lie and emotional manipulation. Even with the best intentions.

    With that being said, your heart wasn't in Islam when you converted and so I don't blame you for going back to Christianity as you were never really a Muslim. However, I don't think it's impossible for your heart to find its way back. I think becoming more involved with church is a good start if that's your comfort zone. And if you want to understand your in laws, then you will come to understand them. But if you don't really want to understand them, and you just want approval then things may never work out and it may cause your wife to have to choose between the family who raised her to be the woman you love now.

    Hope this all makes sense.

    • Thank you for taking the time to be helpful. I guess it is what it is. I still don't understand but I guess I'm not supposed to, since now I'm not a Muslim. I just thought that since we live in a global community and I am understanding of other cultures and religions maybe, islam would be understanding of me and my family. I am certainly glad that we live in the states, if we were in say Pakistan or Indonesia I would fear for our safety.

      • You're last comment doesn't really show you're understanding of other people and culture.

        Islam is understanding of you and your family. It's Muslims who are not. It is ideal for a Muslim to marry a Muslim, and many just accept this. But some people don't. Islam invites you to ask and find the answers. And you will if you're intentions are pure and sincere.

        And don't be fooled, we don't live in a global community. We live in a world where the West likes to interfere with the progression of other societies. In theory, speeding up the development of a country's people sounds ideal but it's like making a child skip adolescence and going straight to adulthood. Pakistani people had to go thru a major reset in their society. The country has many poor and uneducated people, it's not the religion that makes it dangerous.

        Like I said before, if you wanted to understand then you could. Has nothing to do with being a Muslim. Tons of people, scholars, intellectuals, laymen understand Islam and agree with it but never convert for whatever reason. The lack of understanding comes from a barrier that u have within yourself.

        1 - You can give it up here, and live your life. Don't worry about what they think, have faith in your wife that she will always come back to you.

        2 - Or maybe you will find that the lack or understanding still nags at you. This is why you came here many times. If it does, Keep looking for new knowledge and views. Gaining knew knowledge or insight is always beneficial. But don't limit yourself to just this website or the Internet. Go outside and find answers, too.

  10. Hi. To put it simply it's not the religion which is intolerant it's the CULTURE of those who claim to follow it. Essentially if you have a chance to study Christianity and Islam side by side objectively you'll see the parallels. They stem from the same beliefs and concepts. The fundamenta difference is that while Jesus is very much respected in Islam he is merely human not a god and not god's son. He is a Prophet for Christians and Muslims. Now about why people are not so accepting of your marriage outside of America ..the reason is culture not so much as religion. It was advised for Muslim women to marry Muslim men to protect Muslim women and their children from being in a household where they were pressurized against their will to go against their believes (i.e. cooking or consuming pork and alcohol etc) However, it sounds to me like you and your wife have it figured out. Is it right? I don't know. Who am I to judge and for that matter why should her parents or society at large judge u? Islam is tolerant, kind, and loving and says that judgement is reserved for God only! So let's Him pass judgement on us. It's up to Him to forgive. He is merciful. We're all sinners. It's nobody's business to tell u that what is haram and what isn't. Their sins may be different than yours my friend but believe me, they all have sins to conceal too. Just be the best human being, father, husband, person you can be and something tells me that will go a long way.

    Say blessed.

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