Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why is my mother-in-law keeping us apart? What are my rights here?

two woman fighting

aoa. need islamic guidance. 

My husband and his family promised before marriage that they will send me to london with my husband but after marriage my husband stayed 10 days with me and then asked me to stay with my family. I happily stayed with his parents ... but with the passage of time his mother started pressuring me and imposed a lot of responsibilities on me, and his sisters started taunting me.

I got so much depressed. Meanwhile my husband applied for my visa after 2 months but now it's 7 months. The embassy asked for missing documents but my husband is saying he doesn't have these documents and instead will send alternative letters.

Whenever I wish to come to my parents home my husband doesn't like it and his mother says wrong things to his son to betray him. I wish to relieve all my the pressure and tension by meeting my parents but they don't like and don't allow me to go happily. Whenever I go they get angry and my husband says I should not go to my parents without his permission.

My mother in law now says to stop my job and do all the work of home. She doesn't like if their daughters share any work with me. She has stopped her son to process my visa and she really dislikes that I may go to him as my husband is her only son and she doesn't wish for me to go to him.

What is islamic advice on this issue? Is this not right that people take advantage of a muslim girl as they know she will not leave her husband and do whatever they will say to her. Do they have the right to deceive our family?  A mother doesn't want her daughter-in-law to go to her son - is it good? Do I stay there and sacrifice myself for such a family who deceived me?

asiya ahmad

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7 Responses »

  1. Sister. You as a muslim woman do not have to live with his family and you can demand to live with your husband. You are married to your husband and nit to his family.

    If I were you, I would pack my bag and tell them I am leaving the next day and will move in with my husband when he is ready to live with me.They don't like it, too bad. Husband doesn't like it, well ..he doesn't live with you anyways....so why does it matter to him.

    Stand up for yourself sister, if you are not treated well in the home, talk to your parents and let them pick you up as soon as possible.

    http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=273&CATE=87b.

    May Allah make things easier for you sister.

  2. Sister,

    I fail to understand why your mother in law dislikes the idea of you visiting your family. It is only natural for you to want to see them and spend time with them...after all, they are your parent's. Your mother in law has absolutely no right to ask you to leave your job. If she wants a housekeeper, then she should hire one. It appears that you are being taken advantage of and your rights as a wife are not being respected.

    You got married to be with your husband, not to be your mother in laws housekeeper. If I were in your shoes, I think I would meet with my parents and inform them what is going on and seek guidance from them. It appears you were somewhat deceived by your husband as to when you would join him in London. You have been patient and steadfast but clearly you are being taken advantage of at this point.

    If you have not made istikhara on the current situation you find yourself in, I would advise you do so. Seek Allah's guidance on what might be the best thing for you to do at this point. May Allah guide you and keep you safe always.

    Salam

    • sister najah:
      I guess she want to behave me the the same as her mother in law treated her. Ok if its a balanced relation I am ready to sacrifice my self but what is this to take advantage that as I am a muslim girl and divorce is considered bad in our society so I will bear all that pressure in order to secure my marriage? You know my husband gave me money only in start 3 months whaen he got know about my salary he stopped giving me money. I didnt demand anything its ok. but what kind of relation it is where his mother is right an I am wrong at all.

      • Salam Asiya,

        Any relationship where the mother in law interferes to the point of causing problems between a husband and wife is bound to have problems. You are in a very difficult position and most likely, as long as you stay at the home of your mother in law...little will change. She has already asked her son to stop processing your visa thus not allowing you to go and join him in London. Neither your husband or his mother are treating you in a manner that you deserve. As a wife...you have rights sister. If your husband has stopped processing your visa, what does he propose...you stay with his mother and clean house? I hardly think any young woman is dying to get married so she can go to bed alone every night and spend her days picking up after her husbands family.

        I understand that your husband wants you to seek his permission before you go and visit your family as that is his right however, why is it that your mother in law is creating hardship on you to see them? What is the harm in spending a wee bit of time with your parents?

        The money that you currently make from your job is yours. You are not required to share it with anyone...period. If you choose to share it, donate it or save it...that is your business and no one else's. However, your husband is required by Islam to provide for you and take care of you and from the sounds of things, he isn't even doing that. Just as a man has physical needs, so does a woman. You have spent many months alone and your husband is not doing just by you as he has left you with his mother and is not processing your visa so that you may join him as his wife. So...if that is the case...what was the point of him marrying you?

        I wholeheartedly believe you need to involve your parents and discuss exactly what is going on. It is possible that your mother in law does not want you to go to your parents house because she knows that you will be talking to them about what is going on in the home. Your parents will come to know that your husband has stopped processing your visa and as such, they will have questions for your husband. You need to know what your husbands intentions are at this point. If he does not want to process your visa...what does this mean to you? Are you expected to continue a long distance relationship with him as you are now?

        I believe you need to think long and hard about the predicament you find yourself in. It appears your husband is not able to think for himself nor make decisions regarding you...his wife. As for his mother...well, she isn't going anywhere. She will be there and make his every decision for him if she can and he most likely will allow her.

        Put the term "Divorce" away for now. Get some answers. Your husband owes you that. Either he wants you to join him or he doesn't. You spoke of sacrifice sister and I think you have been very patient and have sacrificed a lot up until this point. Speak up and be heard. Involve your parents and get some answers. You deserve better treatment from your husband and his family.

        Salam

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Being an unpaid housemaid isn't part of Islamic marriage. You are his wife, not his mum's servant. Islamically, you have a lot of rights as a married woman, including having your own accommodation and being treated with respect by your husband. He and his family do not have the right to control your life.

    I don't think you would be able to insist on an Islamic entitlement to a visa application, but to be blunt why would you want to be in a far-away country with a man who tries to control your life?

    I would suggest going to your parents and telling them what has been happening. You can then talk things through with people who love you and know you well, and decide what you wish to do, whether that be mediation/counselling to try to resolve the differences or even considering divorce on the grounds that you have been mistreated.

    It might help to try to speak privately with your husband, to tell him what is happening - if he is so far away, he may not be aware of what has been going on or may have been getting information from unreliable sources that has biased his opinions. It might be best to do this after going to your parents, though, as he may then tell his family what has been discussed, and you've had plenty of unpleasantness from them already.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. Thank you for all my brothers and sisters.
    What my present status is? You know after his mother called my mother when I was at my mothers home to keep her there and bring when she will left the job. I think she got so much offended as she dont like a sister in law who can manage her needs at her own she wishes that her daughter in law do everything after her permission ask for clothes, food, every need and she should nnot have money. she should not go to her mothers home as my mother in law came from India to pakistan after marriage mean her parents were in India and she met them Once or twice during whole life after marriage. she used to say me all that that I didnt visited my parents after marriage now i think she wish her daughter in Law also should not go to her mother. She is taking revenge???? She also used to say me I serve my in laws alot all the house hold work was done by me? i send my brother in laws and sister in laws to schools and it was my duty to feed them ? It means she is taking revenge from me. I will serve her and her family but my husband is not here..... what to do???
    I also get threats of divorce many times from my mother in law she said I will tell all your deeds to my son and he will divorce you....
    Now its 3 months past
    I am at my mothers home. I called my husband some 2 months before he picked the phone after so many bells and said "you are not the right girl we dont need girl like you you think yourself a celebrity" ??? how can he say all that because his mother is feeding all that bad stuff about me in his mind. she has trheaten me and my mother about divorce. after that call he didnot pick my call neither replied to my any massage. My mother got so much ill now. How I bear such a family who threaten me and my mother?
    some 15 days back my father called my husband he did not pick his call my father also called his mother she also did not pick up the call. What these people wish now?

    • Salam Asiya,

      It is really sad how some Muslims throw the term, "Divorce" around as if the term has no meaning or value. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a game. Your mother in law called your parents home and told them not to bring you back until you quit your job. Really? Was your mother in law aware that you had a job prior to marrying her son? Did your husband know that you had a job prior to your marriage? I am sure they did but somehow...it got in the way of cleaning your mother in laws house! Shame on your mother in law and shame on your husband for not treating you with the respect that you deserve.

      Sister...you have been through a lot. Sit with your parents and think long and hard about everything that has gone on and continues to go on. Your husband does not respect you. His mother does not respect you. Is this a life that you want to live? Can you honestly in your heart see a future with individuals who treat you the way that you are being treated? You are in for a very difficult road ahead should you choose to stay in this marriage. Only you can make the decision necessary to either stay in this miserable relationship or end it peacefully. Listen to your gut instinct and put your faith in Allah.

      Salam

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