Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why will no one marry me? When will be my time?

Assalamu Alaikum... I am writing to you today to ask you what I need to do.  Its not like i turned people down or my parents turned people down, there has been no proposals. My only wish is that i marry someone from canada or america, because i am canadian born as well.

my parents are busy meeting other people so they can find a proposal. and my sister is busy looking online and speaking with matrimonial agencies.

if a few prospective boys have come to our home for some reason they dont want to come again. i watch my parents and when someone does come to our home, my parents work hard, make dinner, make good conversation, are scared to ask questions as it might offend the boy or his family, but after they leave they never ever do call back.

I am thin, educated and pretty. My family keeps telling me its just not my time yet, but i'm starting to get very impatient. for 2 years now i have been crying every night. I pray regularly asking Allah to send the right guy for me soon, but i dont see any hope. My parents want me to go to Pakistan. I'm just afraid that some guy is just using me to come to canada.

please tell me some dua' to help me thru this bad time. I feel like. I cant breathe, i feel like I cant eat and work anymore. i feel like i'm drowning. I try to be a good muslima, I dont drink, i. am not into boys, i'm good to my parents. when will be my time?!!!. i see you told someone else she has a lot of time, but she is 17...i'm 27....do i have time???

Single Girl crying

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61 Responses »

  1. As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You have time sister. It was the same for me and I'm older than you. You won't get married until Allah determines the time and the person. He has selected a mate for you. It probably won't happen (Allah knows best) until you stop searching so desparately. A male senses when a female wants with all her heart to get married and he runs away. It's like a hunt. The man wants to win you. I did the crying thing, went through the depression...all of it. I eventually got married after many, many years.

    Continue to pray to Allah that he will make you patient and send the man that He has selected for you. It might be tomorrow or years and years from now. Apparently this is your test right now. When Allah sees that you are going to truly, truly put everything is His hand and believe that He knows best-that's when Allah will probably send you your husband. You're going to be OK and Allah will send you a husband in His time, Insha Allah.
    Salaam

    • Salem Sister

      I am 29 going on 30 and have been really scared about what Allah will bring for me in terms of marriage. I was nearly married in 2005 but I allowed too many irrational doubts, and comments made by unhelpful relatives, to come in between me and the most religious brother ive ever met. He is now happily married and I only realised what I had lost when it was too late. I took too much for granted. I took my youth for granted and I was very particular about who I wanted to marry, forgetting that I too had my own share of flaws. Now I pray to Allah that the man I have feelings for (and he doesnt know it) reciprocates those feelings and the desire to marry inchallah. Ive lost count of how many nights i have secretly cried my heart out about my loney situation. This has been compounded by my sisters marriage and my brothers marriage, which only increases my pain because it draws attention to the fact that I am still single. I feel like there is a constant cloud of humiliation lingering above my head and i feel alienated in family gatherings, where the topic is marriage. I fee as though im being punished for taking my first decent proposal for granted. I pray to Allah and ask that my duas are sincere and genuine, I pray for another chance, I ask Allah to make me worthy of marrying the Pakistani muslim brother I feel drawn to though he has no idea!!. amin

      • Dear sister, asalaamualaikum,

        What you missed was not meant to come your way, although maybe you can use that experience to learn from. Maybe Allah was testing you, maybe He was saving you, maybe he wanted better for you. Look forward now.

        Don't worry about your age, see this as a test of your patience. I know sisters that are older than you and who's younger siblings and niece/nephew are married. So I understand all your emotions of wanting companionship, feeling embarrased within the family etc. But sister, remember that whatever is happening in your life is part of Allah's greater plan. There is divine wisdom behind everything that is unravelled. Try to ignore the pressures that society imposes on you, you have no need to feel shame or embarrassment as you are simply living as Allah has decreed.

        Use this opportunity to ask Allah for help. I know waking at tuhajjad time is very difficult, but wake some time before fajr and speak to Allah. If this person whom you are interested in is good in all important areas, then take a positive step forward. Islam does not prohibit the woman from taking the first step if done in the right way. Khadija(ra) proposed marriage to the Prophet (saw) and so did Musa(as)'s wife to him.

        Chin up girl, remember marriage is not our goal in life, it is a gift from Allah that makes life happier to live through companionship and also helps us to worship Allah better.

        Keep praying, keep striving, Allah has something beautiful in plan for you InshaAllah.

        SisterZ
        islamicAnswers.com, Editor

        • SisterZ

          Thank you so much for your soothing words and may Allah reward you amply amin. My eye streamed as I read your encouraging comments. As of today im still single and i use my time to make duas for the object of my affection. Approaching a Pakistani brother would probably scare him off and make me look desperate to marry. Im prepared to give this brother space for now because I dont want to spoil anything or create awkwardness if he is not interested in me. I will respect him whatever the outcome. Im turning myself to marriage websites in another attempt to meet someone decent. Its harder the older you get and I noticed for the first time, that I now get filtered by some brothers, I guess due to my age!

          Now that I have hit 30, I can only wait for Allah to decide in his good time what will become of my situation. I still cry myself to sleep after daydreaming about how life could be when shared with someone.

          I pray for all muslim brothers and sisters who seek marriage and for all brothers and sisters who have feelings for someone special. I pray for those feelings to be reciprocated...for us all to experience peace, love and tranquility within marriage.

          Jazakullah that someone out there took time to read what I usually bottle up outside cyberspace!

          • Dear Single: You know what I did on my 30 th birthday? I sent myself flowers!!
            At age 30, you are at the best time of your life. Enjoy it, regardless of your marital status! You should be filled with hope for the future and what it may bring. I am now 40 and unfortunately I am not married. The reality of muslim women living in the west is that opportunities are slim. I did not have very many opportunities, so I lost out. However, a word of advice to face the uncertainty of the future: be open to acceptance. Allah SWT creates circumstances; if He wills it, He will create circumstances that may allow you to meet and marry a nice muslim man. Allah SWT will not force a man to like you, love you or marry you....those decisions are subject to a man's free will. However, circumstances can be your most powerful tool. Your job is to keep an eye out for them. They won't just knock on your door.

            If those circumstances do not present themselves, then you know Allah's will for you, and you can then embrace an alternate destiny. It is true that in many muslim cultures, women start to become "undesirable" after age 30; I think this generation will not revolutionize that way of thinking -- it will change with the next generation, I am sure. (But know that nothing is farther from the truth...in fact, I would say that women become smarter, more attractive, and more sure of themselves as they get older!)

            That being said, it is too early for you to make any conclulsions about your future...you may meet somene next year, in 5 years, in 15 years, or never...You just don't know -- Allah knows, so surrender! I never embraced the possibility that I may not get married -- that is why I am now finding it very hard to deal with my situation. I was never open to it, mentally or emotionally, and caused myself a great deal of emotional distress, because i did end up loving someone who could not return that love; perhaps if I hadn't been so desperately desirous of marriage then I wouldn't have put myself in that situation. Please, take my advice and keep an open mind to all possibilities for your life to unfold - marriage and children may or may not be part of it. Remember that you must cultivate all aspects of your life. I just worked on my career, and waited for someone to come into my life (and someone did, at age 39, but he was the wrong person)...I don't recommend anyone do that.

            There is a saying that I think someone else has posted it on this thread - "when the student is ready the teacher will come". The caveat to that is, when AND IF God wills it. In the meantime, live your life, in the best possible way. Make dua and hope for the best.

      • Sister I am the same way....i was wondering are you married now?

  2. Asslamualaikum Single Crying girl,

    I'm in the same situation I'm 30 single yr old male wondering the same thing when will be my turn to get married but I go on life enjoying the moments of being a bachelor the halal way of course. I'm not finish my studies at this time and taking care of my mom who is a widow and my 2 sisters who are unmarried past their mid 20's. This is a test from Allahswt he will appoint a time when I and yourself will get married, I just have to remain paitent and focus on myself like being physically fit and increase my ilm, make sure I'm working to provide for my family and save up for my future. Everything is according to Allahswt plan. Don't worry one day you will be married and it doesn't matter if you 27 or 37 because Allahswt will keep you young and beautiful. Just stay young at heart and everything will come together trust me, my life has been a total mess but I know it was all a test and now I have a peace of mind. Enough about me but just to remind us eacthother that everything that we wish we want in life sometimes it has to come later because it might more joyful or blessful moment that we can never imagine.

    • Asalam Alaikum Brothers and Sisters,

      Allhumdulilah, I too have been searching for years and years, reaching the ripe age of 32 on to 33. Came close to getting married twice - once, everything the girl had told me was a lie - education, lifestyle, etc, and etc. So that ended, Allhumdulilah.

      Second time, I did get engaged - but there were logistical issues, and what I believe is a change of heart from the girls side that ended the engagement. She was educated, smart, pretty, and everything that a brother could wish for. Great person nonetheless. It pained a lot, and still does, but Allhumduillah for Allah's qadr, as it is already pre-determined and pre-destined.

      However, what I realized is that even though I entered these arrangements with clear and clean intent - Allah removed them only to replace them with someone better.

      I also use the following dua'a on a regular basis - when loneliness starts creeping into my mind I repeat the following:

      My lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me (Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khairin faqir)” [Qur’an, 28:24]

      رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

      This is the supplication that the Prophet Moses (Allah bless him and give him peace) made after helping the two young ladies draw water from the well. Many of the righteous have recommended this supplication for the one seeking a spouse.

      Remember, the greater the hardship the greater the rewards.

  3. Assalam-O-Alaikum,

    I am a 29 year old male living in Canada, and I am in same/opposite position. Sometimes my parents go and see potential girls for me and their parents come and see me and then I never hear back from them. My parents do whatever they can, but I guess it is not Allah's will yet.All I am saying is that you are not alone.

    I would say keep Pakistan's option to be open. Some guy might come to Canada (not just to come here) but to Live happily after with you.

    Best wishes & wsalam

  4. Salam,

    There is saying "When the student is ready, the teacher would come".

    Good Luck & Wsalam

  5. I'd say you're too worried, you say your family puts in a lot of effort, consults agencies, etc. Men may see you as obsessing about marriage and be scared off, and be uncomfortable about you all being so careful with what you say. I'd say try to be a little more casual with them, and worry less.
    Sometimes by trying to avoid things we encounter them.
    It could be you're trying so hard to make them comfortable, it's making them uncomfortable.

    Good luck!

  6. Salam Alykum,

    I will Pray for you sister, may Allah send you the right one

    Salam

  7. Ok ur parents r looking ur family r searching online but did u ask urself who does everything? Who is the best planner? hav u turned to Allah for help? U need to become a better muslim then ur life wil b difrnt.turn to Allah ask Allah.only Allah.wake up for tahajjud pray sincerly cry cry cry beg him to help believ me Allah is most merciful he wil help u just make dua ask Allah.u knw i did wat u did but then thought how stupid wat am i doing ther is no power and might except from Allah so i started crying and asked pls get me marid in this month i begd and woke up for tahajjud cried cried made dua wAllah after a few weeks a proposal came wow he was extremely handsome mature sexy and totally my type and he was what i askd for hamdulillah Allahu akbar.

  8. Ok ur parents r looking ur family r searching online but did u ask urself who does everything? Who is the best planner? hav u turned to Allah for help? U need to become a better muslim then ur life wil b difrnt.believ me Allah is most merciful he wil help u just make dua ask Allah.u knw i did wat u did but then thought how stupid wat am i doing ther is no power and might except from Allah so i started crying a

  9. Yah so i started waking up at mid night and cried alot and askd Allah to get me marid in a months time wAllah after a few weeks a proposal came he was o my gosh he was totaly handsome matured sexy rich and a good muslim.

  10. Aleykum selam

    This post is one year old. I was wondering if you could get married. I am 26 too. 3 men proposed to me over the past few years but I turned them down because I was young and I did not feel like getting married that particular men. I was in love with someelse and we were dating since 4 years. I told him that I want to get married and he said he will marry me after 2 years. But everyone was getting married and him saying that made me so depressed so I started to act different, cold and aggresive. Then we broke up. Now 2 years have passed and I am alone. I am praying to God and waiting for the men who will love me. I think the best dua would be something like praying God to send you someone God likes. Send you some one that you can love and who will love you. Then promise that you will be a good wife. I think one day, when Allah decides, we will have loving and caring husbands.

  11. Well I thought I was the only one in this situation...I'm almost 28!!!!! And i'm going crazyyy but i guess there are other ppl like me...To the sisters who left the responses i'm jus curious...are you guys married yet??? I would like to know what is the update..Everyone wants to get married but i think our society ruins us and makes us more despressed!!!! Plz update me.

  12. Don't cry plz, be strong and have faith. It sounds like you are a nice person and you are also honest about your feelings. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Don't be sad please Allah(swt) knows your heart and hears you out. Sure I pray for you, inshallah you would marry a very nice man who would be your match.

    Your brother,

    A Moslem

  13. Asalaamulaikum,

    I'm pretty much on the same boat.. I'm about your age as well and am not married. It can feel confusing and you may feel lost. And possibly you feel some loss of self-esteem. I too fit the criteria most desi families have in a girl (slim, tall, fair, educated, religious, nice), and yet guys don't come back. It's definitely a blow on your self esteem and self-worth, and makes you wonder, 'why is this happening'?

    WIth that said, it took me some time to realize that my situation is not uncommon, and that guys not responding is becoming more common. My brothers were really picky and rejected girls at the photo level before they got married. My friends tell me how alot of their friends keep getting rejected. It's weird bc no girl ever talks about being rejected, and will only talk about how many proposals they get and how all the guys they've seen in photos are weird. Perhaps it's a ego thing- in that girls don't want to talk about being rejected. But the point is, it does happen. Even if you sound perfect on paper.

    Secondly, your parents are right. Allah has picked a spouse for you and a time for you both. Here is the thing about guys not coming back. No matter what you do in your communication with a guy and his family, nothing will change the outcome Allah has set for you. This means, you can look as nervous as you are, be picking your nose, look atrocious, but if Allah has set you with him, then you will still marry the guy. The opposite is true too. If a guy is NOT set for you, then you can look beautiful, act kind, and well-mannered, and be the most perfect person ever, but if Allah didn't pick this guy for you, it's not going to happen. The guys that have come over to your house were never yours to begin with. You didn't lose anything, and you couldn't have increased the chance the guy would be yours by doing anything different. The guy is either for you, or isn't for you. As for time, think of it this way... maybe you are ready, but your future husband is not ready for whatever reason. Allah knows all hidden things, and he indeed is the best of Planners.

    As for other advice, what your family is doing is great- so have them continue it. People have advised me the same thing as people did here. Pray Tahajjud, get involved, and talk to aunties. I am a pretty shy person but once I spoke to a aunty and said hello how are you.. and then i got a rishta(proposal) out of it. I'm not saying that happens all the time, but the point is, something as simple as a simple greeting, as opposed to a full drawn out conversation, can present you with opportunities.

    As for when you meet the guy, just so the process can be smoother, ask your family to ask a few questions about them. Otherwise a lack of questions towards the guy will make them think you guys are not interested.

    Just remember, Allah has set someone for you, and it will happen no matter what. Keep praying bc Allah is the best of Planners.

  14. about two years ago I joined the elite club of those who are having a hard time getting married. anyhow, what's more important that you have your health and one day inshallah you will get married...I was doomed with bad health from a car accident 3 years ago , I am 27 now and it cut my dreams shorts. now I am in the shadow of society, the women I was going to married mysteriously disappeared, for better a opportunity, which I really wish her the best.

    however, my journey had a lot to offer me, at least I like to think so and the at the same time many bitter realities of constance nightmares . I never told my family or friends about my accident, it happen in a different state, I just sort off disappeared and I cut contacts, I didn't want to see anyone or have them see me any longer ....I accepted the fact, that I might never get married and so be it " blessed he who expect nothing".....in the past 3 years, I had 23 failed surgeries, to the point at times my iman got so weak and I wonder if Rabi forsake me...and after each surgery my recovering period I would spend it locked in my apartment for 3 months at a time with not even a single soul to speak to, expect the delivery man once a day...also I don't watch TV, I never liked it, so I read all the time, I would read 500 page book in 9 hours and I would have dreams about reading books, than I would spend my night crying in prayer for help and no respond and this would go for Years, EID after EID and Ramadan after Ramadan. regardless, I always believe there is a light in the end of the tunnel, I also learned what patient is and what is forbearing...although my health is improving slowly, I used my time wisely, I read 2300 books and tons more, I started a software company with no prior knowledge in software, which I come from a history background. I work out daily and I also started to paint .I can honestly see how much it sucks not to be able to find love at a certain time , but at the same time I can also sincerely know how much it sucks to KNOW THAT YOU MIGHT NEVER LOVE.

    cheer up and be thankful, it might be just a time for growth for you till the right person come alone, enjoy every breath you take and every moment of laugher and joy, take time to contemplate and you will find peace. there is always someone who got it worst than you and me.

    '

  15. ASAK ppl,

    I am a 28 yr old indian male working in the US. My qualifications, color, fitness etc would make me the most eligible bachelor around. I am very well read, religious, active, fun loving guy. But then there is a catch like in very situation. I am suffering from hair loss. I am almost bald like how people are in 40s or 50s. One little thing has turned my life upside down. My hair were steadily falling since last 10yrs or more. I never thought much about it. It was too late when I realised and there is nothing I can do about it now. I only understood the severity of the problem when we started looking for girls to marry me. We thought that though hairloss is a negative on my profile, there are a lot of other positives. I can hold a good conversation on practically any topic in the world. I am totally outdoor person. But nobody even gave me a chance to tell them this. People, I presume never even read the bio-data after they had seen my picture.

    Now I am not sorry about myself or unhappy with anything. By the grace of God, I have a very content and memorable life. And I am usually so busy having fun that I dont think of things I dont have. Now when we started looking for girls, we got all sorts of profiles. Some very beautiful and some less. I happened to particularly like a girl and was impressed by her education, looks etc. My parents werent that impressed. But they agreed to go and meet them. By this time, I kept thinking about this girl, since they replied positively to my photo and profile. Yay, the girl I liked most is interested, I couldnt care about anything else. I was so happy. When my parent finally met her, the meeting went so smoothly that i had no doubt that I will marry her. Now my feelings for her started growing as I kept imagining my future with her. Immidiately after the first meeting they called and said that they were interested and leave the decision to us. Ofcourse we couldnt wait to say yes. But then, destiny strikes. My mom made a very humble request that she wants to see the girl in a saree as she was wearing a dress the first time. This made them go all ballistic on us. They never explained why they wont, but they way they expressed their disinclination and backed out shocked us, to say the least. They would not reason, or explain why they cannot, though my family made it clear that its only for our visit and they wouldnt even mind her wearing tees, jeans or anything after marriage. But they stuck to their guns and put us down in a very bad way. I just cannot believe it. I know its not a big deal, but we had only one or two positive replies to begin with. And the most preferred one has let us down for such a trivial reason, which could have been easily sorted out. I may be wrong, but i am feeling like she was my soulmate.

    Long story short, one bad thing on my profile has made me very undesirable to many girls. None came forward and the positive reply from the the girl I liked most went down the drain. I am left with only two more positive replies, but I dont feel interested. My parents are saying that if I wait any longer i will lose the rest of my hair and the two positive replies too. I dont know what to do. i hope that I somehow forget what happened and like the girl I am going to meet after some time.

    • Dear WhoCares,

      It is unfortunate that you went through this situation. However, why was it necessary that your mother insist that she see this girl in a Sari before you made a proposal? I have to say that that is a very unusual request, and it is quite demeaning to the girl. My guess is that your mother wanted to see this girl's figure. If that is the case, then i think the girl's family acted very appropriately. If anyoen asked to see me in a different style of dress for the purposes of determining whether I was a suitable candidate for their son, I would not comply. I see this often amongst Hindu's, and unfortunately muslims are carrying on the tradition as well.

      • Precious Star
        What's wrong if some one (women)want to see figure before marriage as his mother was probably trying to do and not the man .
        This might help men who looks for all these .

  16. salam ,like no other,

    dear brother , your mail is the only mail on this website that made me laugh. specially the way you have put what your parents are saying 🙂 .i find your mail very innocent.

    dear like no other, having 2 brothers and plenty of friends and cousins of your age ,all having the same worry as yours , i can understand what you must be feeling. they know more hair products then myself .infact if i need advice i usually go to them!

    now to the main point girls who are looking just at the looks are obviously missing a gem like you, but even if they would have given you a chance , they would always make you feel small because of something that is totally not your fault or in your control. in this matter i must say western world is better ,atleast they dont value looks as much as we do as asians.

    now, to the unexplained behaviour of that girls family. dont you think it was very superficial of your family to ask the girl to wear a sarri? dont you think that this girls family would have felt that you are just interrested in the looks .you went to choose a wife , a life partner, not a model on cat walk to please peoples eyes or someone who could be selected as the next show stopper.i am not doubting your mom's intention and i know how moms love to see their duaghter in law to be in traditional clothings. these are their innocent dreams. iam just explaining one point of view.

    my dear brother, you are young and smart and likable personality, iam sure their is one gril just right for you. just be patient ,ofcourse keep looking for the potentials mean while. there are plenty of girls out there who are interested in a man with a compatible personality and a head with a brain in it and not just a head with hair on it!

    similarly , you should also give those girls a chance, who have more beautiful personality attributes than physical characteristics

    good luck . inshallah you will find a wife for life.

    friend.

  17. wow, some of the stories here are a little disocuraging. I am only 20, but I would defnitely want to get married in the next couple of years. I have not had any proposals yet, but I am not worried now since I/'m stil finishing up school. I am pleased with my appearance, but I know having really dark skin will put me at a disadvantage since most men seem to prefer fair girls. I hope Allah makes it easy for me as well.

    To the single girl crying, I agree with some of the posters above that those men were just not the ones Allah had in store for you. Maybe you should try online matrimonials as well. It also might not be a bad idea of consider a guy from Pakistan. I understand your fear about being used for a green card, but there is still a possibility that you can find someone who will truly stay with you. Just don't completely rule out that option.

    • Dear Khadija, Asalaamualykum,

      If anyone rejects due to your skin, then thank Allah for eliminating these men from your life. If you were fair skinned and a man chose you based on this and because you were not dark, would you still want to marry him? Hmm.

      Just keep this as a general rule. Any man who rejects you on unislamic grounds or you know he is willing to reject someone else on unislamic grounds is not right for you. See it as an elimination process.

      Of course we all have preferences and thats ok, but our preferences shouldnt become the main driving force behind our willingness to check out a proposal or to reject one.

      Maash'Allah you are young and sensible, that is a refreshing combination. Stick to the Quran and Sunnah and work with the elders in your family to find a spouse.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  18. It's so sad to read all these personal stories but on the other hand some comments are so empowering and really do make one ponder upon the importance of patience in such times of emotional turmoil, you know, up until now I thought I were suffering alone with the whole marriage boat.. I was quite litteraly fallng into a great depression.. I was so silent for the past few years.. just prayed and painted my inner self onto canvas..I couldn't discuss my feelings with anyone.. yet inside I was breaking.. I mean, it really does not help when relatives start rubbing it in your face.. I guess, unless you've felt the pain yourself it's hard to see what the other may be going through.. which is why coming accross this site really helped me.. I do hope all who are going trough this pain find the soul mate Allah ( swt) had chosen for them Insha'Allah Ameen Sumameen.

    Thankyou May Allah(swt) Reward You.

    Allah Hafiz

    Please remember me in your duas.. Make dua my soul mate asks for my hand in marriage please..I shall do the same for you all. Insha'Allah.

  19. Thank you precious star.

    Im glad in respect that im not alone in what im going through. Im good at putting on the brave face to all outward appearances but I worry at the same time that im being pigeon holed by those who know me as being simply a career minded girl. Its a double edged sword. I enjoy my work because I get satisfaction from helping people solve their problems, but even though im greatful that I studied something I enjoy, I want my career to constitute only a fraction of my life, not the whole of it and not at the expense of marriage and family. We live in a society where everything has to be labelled and everything has its place. Sadly the muslim community has fallen into this mode of thinking that a woman is either marriage material because she is not defined by a career or not marriage material because of the assumption that a woman who has a career, made a concious decision to substitute a career over marriage. It saddens me and sometimes makes me wonder whether my tryiing to qualify and better myself intellectually, in light of the obligation upon muslims to seek knowledge, I didnt simply shoot myself in the foot and study myself out of the marriage marked....excuse my rambling!! It happens when you spend long stints of time alone and muted behind a computer screen!

    I believe that we were created in pairs whether in this world or the next. Im greatful for my family,my health and my education and I acknowledge my blessings but I believe its also part of the human condition that we all naturally need companionship because thats how we were created...in pairs. From observation I take the view that a good solid relationship is the basis of feeling complete. I focus on my work because it helps me to forget about what I feel is missing from my life. Last year I was the only employee at my firm who pretty much worked through my holiday entitlement and subsequently had it paid. Even my boss became concerned that I was working through the whole year non-stop but I didnt relish the idea of taking leave just to spend yet more time with me!

    Allah says that he is muqallib al quloob which means that he is the changer of hearts and can make them incline one way or another. Allah has also written our destinys in the sacred tablet or lauh al mahfouz. It is on this basis that I pray that my destiny will cross with the object of my affection if Allah has already willed it 50 thousand years before he created mankind. Otherwise im prepared to accept unreciprocated love if that is my destiny as far as this particular individual is concerned. I have never revealed my feelings to this person because the thought of rejection and the associated loss of self-esteem makes my heart sink and I would rather tell Allah how much I care about this man and at the same time ask for his guidance in the matter and see where it takes me inchallah.

    But you do make a valid point that marriage may never happen in this life. Admittedly and with hindsight I was a bit arrogant during my 20's by taking marriage as being a given...that it would happen for me too sooner or later because I saw peple get married within my family on a regular basis and with seeming ease. I could not have been further from the truth....perhaps im merely reaping the merits of my attitude back then.

    Ill stop rambling now and I pray that you achieve all your aims. I value your pearls of wisdom and i hope we can all benefit from the points you raise. Im truly grateful to Allah that I have this amazing outlet for alleviating some of my deepest fears.

    Jazakullah

  20. "From observation I take the view that a good solid relationship is the basis of feeling complete"

    This makes sense, and I do agree with you, but, it is wrong to focus on this, because not everyone has a good solid relationship. If you don't get married in the future, do you really want to feel incomplete? If you hang on to this assumption, then you WILL feel incomplete, and trust me that is a horrible feeling. I am trying to appreciate that we can feel complete in ways other than through a relationship with the opposite sex. Yes, our culture, religion and society places a huge emphasis on the male-female dyad as the epitome of satisfactory relationships, but the reality is not everyone finds a mate. For muslim women, this is very much the case. For non-muslim women, it is much easier. So my advice to you sister is that you learn to appreciate that a marriage and family is not the only way to obtain satisfaction in life; for so many muslim women, it is in fact an unreachable goal.

    You did not shoot yourself in the foot by getting an education. Please don't buy into that. What if you hadn't educated yourself and remained unmarried? Then how would you be supporting yourself financially right now? What would you be focusing on right now, if it wasn't for your career?

    I also wonder why you think you "love' this person. Love grows and blossoms when you spend time with someone, because you learn about their faults, attributes, wants and needs. That is why it blossoms in marriage. I would suggest to you that what you are experiencing right now is a crush that is fueled by fantasy. I am not trying to diminish your feelings at all. But, I know that as a good muslim girl who has respected all boundaries, you likely haven't experienced true love and hence a crush becomes all that more important and meaningful to you. Again, I'm not trying to diminish your feelings, only giving you food for thought to help keep your feelings in perspective so you don't assume that this man is the only one for you.

  21. I came across this thread and could relate to it because I'm going through the exact same thing. I'm a 31 yr old single Muslim girl living in Canada. I used to sit in my room and cry at one pint as well, but now I just don't have the energy to cry either. I've lost all hope that something will ever happen for me. I just pray for forgiveness from Allah and that may HE call me soon. Just out of curiosity are any of you sisters married?

    • "that HE may call me soon..." Do you mean you pray for death? Why? Do you feel your life is worthless without a marriage partner? Do you think the purpose of your existence is only to be married and nothing more?

      You need to open your eyes and your heart to the joys of life, and the purpose of life. I am not married, and I lead a full and active life.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salem Amal and other fellow singletons 😉

      Im 30 and still single since I was last on this website.

      I make duas for you and all single brothers and sisters of all ages to be united with the one who is destined for them. I accept and remind myself that finding reciprocated companionship is something we cannot force or hasten to happen because we all have free will and I would never in a million years wish to impose myself on someone who didnt feel the same or anything towards me and would likewise not want it to happen to me.

      Im trying to forget the only brother I have feelings for despite the fact that he doesnt have a clue and works only down the road from me! When im feeling gloomy, at home, the taps can suddenly come on without warning when im reminded of my single status, but luckily I only sob in private.

      I've been trying to be proactive by exploring a couple of marriage websites as I feel I have nothing to lose. It keeps my mind off the person I cant have if nothing else and maybe the person looking for me might be out there in cyberspace too!
      I also find engaging in things like travelling, reading and music (for those who listen) can be mentally stimulating which helps to plug those feelings of helplessness and low self-esteem. Being around other people, and those in similar circumstance, can also mitigate the feeling that your the only one experiencing this. I have a friend going through the same thing so we meet up and end up having a laugh at our situation after sharing what we we're going through etc. The more I read the more I realise that this is an issue that affects muslims beyond myself and hope and pray that we can all support each other on this site until Allah swt determines our futures. amin

      • Salaam sister single, just had a brief read through your post, im wondering why you have to forget your feelings for the brother you like??? Whats stopping you from approaching him in a halal manner to find out what he thinks, who knows things may go somewhere inshaAllah?

        • Thanks Confusedpuzzled but approaching a brother on this topic first is probably easier said than done! Its not really the done thing in either of our cultures for a woman to approach a man first and despite so called notions about equality etc its implicitly not the done thing and im sure that in the subconscience of most men (particularly those from my ethnic background) a girl who makes known her feelings is either seen as desperate to marry or worse damaged goods!! She does not get any brownie points or respect for being pro-active or having the courage to approach the person she feels might tick all her boxes. Its this sad reality that forces me to keep my feelings under padlock and key. At best a girl can drop flirty hints but we all know men dont clock on to hints so its virtually impossible to test the waters with a person without losing face or dignity. Besides it would be a blow to my confidence if I did the unthinkable only to hear the person say that I wasnt really their type. I could never look that person in the eye again...and how does one move on from that sort of experience?!! Ive basically concluded that if that person liked me, then he would have made his feelings clear by now (assuming men are more assertive than women in this department). The only way i can draw a line under what I feel and try to stay positive is to pray that he is paired up, if not with me, then with a girl who will make him extremely happy inchallah. Allah knows best

          • I know what you mean because it is exactly the same for people of my culture; women just cannot and "should" not approach a man no matter what. If they do, they are basically defamed for life. Hence I will not advise you to do that.

            However, I was thinking maybe you can be a little sneaky and wise about it,..well it is the only way to get anywhere having been trapped in such a culture of thought lol. Try to find out if he is interested in you but without letting him know you are ? 😉
            Maybe by mentioning some other person as a prospectus partner- his reaction to that could be very helpful in judging his thoughts / feelings. Maybe somehow get the msg across to him that you may marry someone else? If he feels something for you, again he should show some reaction, (like DO something about it finally lol).
            You know him better than me...u can be smart and work around it than to sit waiting for a miracle.

            Was salaam

    • Amal,

      Do not sit in your room and cry.

      I am 40 and live in North America. There are few opportunities for muslim women to marry within their religion. You must make efforts, of course, and maybe something will come along. But its a bit like searching for a juicy apple in a meatshop. If your family isn't introducing you to eligible men, then you have to be proactive yourself.

      Unless and until you get married, you must nurture other aspects of your life. Build your career, pursue hobbies, see your friends, get involved in volunteer and other causes, be active, active, active. The entire universe is in motion - the sun, ocean, earth, water -- so you should be, as well. The objective is to create a life that is meaningful and busy. An occupied mind means that you won't dwell so much on the family that seems to come so easily to muslim men but not to muslim women.

      Also, every single muslim woman out there should have a financial plan. This is not the "old country" where extended family will support us financially in our old age. I have seen older women in my community who thought they would get married, never did, and now they are in their 50s and 60s and they are struggling with health care costs, living costs, etc., having erroneously believed that their father or brother would take care of them for the rest of their life. Those days are gone. Starting in your 20s, you should be building a nest egg of sorts that you can fall back on in your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. Life can be harsh, sister. Even if you are just putting away $25 per month, you are building a security blanket for your future. If you are employed, I would even suggest buying a house which will be such an investment in your future. And if you get married, then you can just sell it. If you don't get married, then you know that you will always have a roof over your head. Honestly, I see so many single women (muslim and nonmuslim) who find themselves in financial trouble later in life - through no fault of their own, either due to job troubles, the economy, health issues or they are injured in accidents -- and they end up struggling, with no one to help them.

      I hope this advice helps you!

      Maryam,
      IslamicAnswers.com editor.

  22. Brother wael,
    I think to pray for death is wrong but I do understand the sisters emotions, it is possible to lead a happy fulfilling life without a spouse, but we are naturally programmed to love and have the desire to marry. It can become very lonely and depressing when siblings, friends, cousins etc are enjoying their lives with their partners and going on to have children of their own, and you are still all alone. You can fill the void with good friends, family, parents and keep yourself busy etc...but for how long? Its tough being alone, and it makes you feel even worse to be rejected by men one after the other with no real reason. Hmm....life.

  23. salaam

    Rabbana Hab Lanā Min 'Azwājinā
    Wa Dhurrīyātinā Qurrata 'A`yunin
    Wa Aj`alnā Lilmuttaqīna 'Imāmāan

    Means:

    "Oh Allah! Grant unto us
    wives (husbands) and offspring who will be the
    comfort of our eyes, and give us
    (the grace) to lead the righteous."

    ..............................................................................

    Allahumma la sahla illa maja3altahu sahla
    waanta taj3alu lhazna idha shii'ta sahla

    meaning: ohh Allah, there is no ease except in that which you have made easy,
    and you make the difficulty, if you wish, easy.

    .........................................................................

    OHH my dear lovely sister, life is too short, enjoy your life with what you have at the moment. Try to make yourself happy, Love your self, make your self busy with activities you like to do, Go out with muslim sister do dinner on regular bases, join muslim sis groups, travel, go boulling, join interesting courses like cooking, painting, take your mind out on this issue.

    Love is like a bird, if you look for it, or run after it you can never find it,
    If you just chill and enjoy your life, it will come to your shoulders and sit.

    Love ,proposal come to you when you least except it.

    Dont think too much sis just relax, he will come on his own time, he just got lost silly boy. But he is on his way LOL

  24. Thank you for posting the duas and for your words of hope. I can go out with friends and concentrate on other things, but for how long? I know this is a test from God, but i'm time is running out. I'm human after all, i can't pretend to be happy when i'm not. I ask you all to please make a dua for me and ask Allah to grant me happiness.

    thanks

  25. Hey guys. i am 21 but my drawback is that one of my ear doesnt function and i also have lazy eye. its not somthing you can see and i am content with my looks but i dont get any proposals because everyone knows about it and they dont wanna marry me because i am not perfect.

    like i said i think i am pretty decent looking and a lot of guys at school "ask me out" but i know its against the teaching of islam so i dont go out. I cry every night because i wonder if i will ever get married? i like this one guy at school and i wanna talk to him, is it okay to pray for Allah to grant me him? i feel like i dont deserve any normal guy cause i am not normal. do you all think there is someone for everyone?

    • Forget this nonsense about not "deserving" a normal guy. You deserve the same happiness and love as anyone else. Pray to Allah to grant you a righteous, kind husband. If you are interested in this guy at school, talk to your family and let them approach his family. And start valuing yourself more. The worth of a human being is not defined by an ear or an eye, but by the mind and the spirit.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • @Brother wael I immediately need your help. I posted my draft on Sunday, please post it ASAP. I need immediate advice.

        • I'm really sorry wisekid, but I cannot justify moving your post to the front of the queue. We only do that with true emergencies. Especially since you had a post published in June 2011 and it received 43 replies, and you are basically just asking the same question again in the new post. I suggest that you go back to your previously published post and read the replies again. In the meantime, your new draft is in the queue.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Jazakallah Khay'r, you were right, I just went through those comments, the important responses were overshadowed by funny comments from my classmates. (Sorry for that) . But this time I ain't tellin them a thing. But I do hope to get a fresh perspective considering the murkier circumstances.

            Wasalam,

            wisekid

  26. Hi i now its late to answer but i do....
    I`m an iranian girl and 23 years old...

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Sister, if you need advice then please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will advise you in turn Insha'Allah. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

    • Assalaam Alaikum everyone 🙂

      Interesting posts, I'm a 31 year old guy in England in the middle of looking for marriage seriously. I think that its important to make the right intention and then work towards it in a good manner, Inshallah if its meant to be then It will be.

      From the age of 26 I became friends with a nice Asian girl and she always said she liked me. I asked her to marry me at the age of 29 and she said no. She's very pretty and very particular and we were the same height which bugged her I think lol, although I'm decent enough in the looks department as she always said but clearly she did not want to marry me. We also got on so well, the rejection really got to me!! So for 6 months I took a break from looking then I made the intention to be a better man and Inshallah live well and look to marry with pure intentions and with patience, and accept the outcome. The girl who rejected my proposal reappeared late last year, texting to say she missed me! That threw me a bit and I was polite but kept a distance. I now wonder if her saying no was actually for the best due to events unfolding in my life now.

      Now, a year plus after starting my search there is a girl who is so good-hearted, always covers her head and helps out at the mosque - her sister invited our family to hers and they were great. We've emailed and this girl, whi is 24, who had apparently turned down proposals point blank before now, showed interest. We've only spoken with Mahram present, which was a new situation for me. We did Istikhara and I hope for the best.

      She has told me that she has a huge fear of the idea of marriage, but after our communication and meeting she wants to be brave!! I'm not sure what to make of that, does it mean she's not ready? Early on I felt this contentment upon meeting her, as if she had a glow lol. She will speak to her religious teacher (peer or pir) and give my family a final answer in 3 days (its been 3 months since we met). I am a different man from a few years back and whatever the outcome I will move forward happy, Inshallah.

  27. HA! Welcome to my world. 2 years that's it? I've been for 8 years. Nothing. I gave up. I kept going and going for long time. I ran out of patience. I'm done. Looks like I ain't makeing it to the gates if heaven.

    • سلام علیکم یا اخی

      Be patient and leave everything to mighty God. He knows the right time for the right person as your perfect match comes on your way.

      • Wow I guess it's very common . I'm 30 and I too have lost interest in marriage . I wanted to marry a brother when I was 22.He asked for my hand but because of his ethnicity my parents refused the proposal .Unfortunately he never spoke to me again. Since then I've tried to talk to brothers about marriage but most guys will bail out . I think most guys think I'm very desperate to marry but I'm really not .I just want to complete half my faith .

  28. Assalamu alaikum all,

    This thing is not only among girls even for boys as well. Its absolutely true that marriage and time of marriage is fixed by Allah al mighty. whereas it is the fact that in islam it is given that we should try.

    I am 100% sure that, you all did not get married not because of your look, money, family values. it is because of the criteria you might have set. I know when you are good at family values, Islam, hardworking, beautiful and desire to have a guy at par or more than that, you are not getting a suitable match.

    It happens, when the guy or a girl either is too good or too bad, both these categories of people, they don't get a match at par.

    Try to ease your criteria if possible, possibly you may ease if the guy does not have a property at present but he is well educated and in a good job, you can trust that he can buy property in future. you may also little sacrifice on the look of the guy....

    In any case "don't be upset" my friend. Be happy, if not this some other will come... 🙂

    May Allah show us the right way.

    with Gratitude,
    Mohammed Jafer

  29. Assalamu alaikum,

    Thanks for sharing your stories. I am 31 and unmarried. I am not getting any proposals, its been 10 years I have been wishing that Allah (swt) will give me a sign of a companion. Only few failure of potential marriage came my way. Now its been 3 years i did not get any proposals, I feel very insecure now. I am very grateful for all the other aspects of my life. PLease pray for me

    • Assalam o Alaikum sister what now?? Are u still single or got married may Allah Grant us good spouse Ameen

  30. Asa. Everyone who has the desire to get married kindly read (DELETED) if you read this ayat daily for atleast 1000 times you get married with in 4 months.

    • Brother Mahmood, I deleted all your comments because this formula you are suggesting is bid'ah. There is no basis in Quran or Sunnah to say that if someone recites a particular thing 1,000 times, they will get married in 4 months. Such a claim is nonsense.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  31. First of all, you need to stop being and acting so desperate for a man. Not only is desperation making you miserable, but desperation is also an unattractive quality in a potential partner.

    I don't personally agree at all with some of the other people that have responded to you: You should definitely NOT lower your standards - by doing that, you're going to open the door to men that you're neither attracted to or compatible with. Attraction and compatibility aren't things you can grow or learn to do, it has to be the basis of your marriage.
    Also, if you have a lot to offer a man, you have every right to seek a man that he can offer YOU just as much. Why should you have to downgrade while the other person gets to upgrade? I can't say I understand the mentality that it's better to be married to any kind of trash than to not be married at all. Being single is not some sort of plague or disease, you know...

    Look, most of us grow up with the idea that marriage is the greatest thing in the world, the ultimate achievement in life, that you're only half a person without a spouse, and that you need to breed to fulfill your purpose. Thing is, they are just ideas -
    somebody else's ideas, and they don't have to be your's. You don't need to put that pressure on yourself. Reality is, marriage isn't this wonderful and amazing thing, necessarily. Just read all the entries on this site, and you will realize how many people in this world are trapped in horrible marriages and are absolutely miserable and suicidal. Truth is, whatever our path in life is, it can be a good or a bad path depending on your own attitude towards it. If you choose to view singlehood as a negative thing, or as a sort of punishment, you're going to unhappy. 100%. If you, however, choose to embrace what Allah has bestowed on you, accept it and see the positive aspects of your situation, you will be a much happier person.

    I'm not saying you should give up on marriage - not at all. I'm just trying to say that you will do yourself a great favor by lightening up a bit in regards to not being married at this present time. In the end of the day, everything is in the hand of Allah...maybe marriage is not in your cards, maybe it is. You don't know. But please don't waste your life yearning for something that might or might not happen to you...

  32. Am Also Facing the Same my parent's are searching good purposals for me

  33. I feel the same. I'm 5 feet due to short height none of the family send proposal at my home. I'm educated girl but due to my height no one wants to marry me. I have always been rejected when boys see me in real. Rejection gives worst pain

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