Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why won’t they let us be?

Christian/Muslim Marriages

I am a Roman Catholic woman who has been best friends with a Muslim man since we were children. Four years ago, we started dating. I moved abroad and the first year of our relationship was a long-distance one. After that first year, he moved abroad with me and we have been living together now for just over three years. He and I are both studying at university and do intend on getting married someday.

We love each other very much and respect each other's beliefs. We intended on getting married purely in a legal sense once we had completed university because I do not wish to convert into Islam, and my partner does not expect me to. I personally do not believe that one can fully renounce their own beliefs by taking another, and I do not feel like I can do the religion justice if I adopt it as my own.

Once we have children, we would like them to be raised with the Islamic faith, and we have discussed how we would go about raising them (this apsect is not an issue). My partner's family appeared to accept us living together at first, yet after 3 years they have hysterically begun hounding us with rude emails and phone calls, accusing us of living in sin and claiming that they are living in sin because of us. I have reassurred them that I would consider converting, but I know that in my heart I would be extremely unhappy if I did so.

My partner and I just want to live our own lives and not be forced into marriage by his parents- we wish to get married on our own terms when we are ready to do so, but we hate the fact that it is causing his parents so much grief.

Is there any way a compromise can be reached? Would we still be living in sin if we married purely in the legal sense? We've reached a crossroads in our lives now- if we get married in the legal sense we risk losing his parents, but if I convert and marry him, I know I will be unhappy because I will not be able to celebrate Christmas with my family and there would be pressure on me to fast and pray in a certain way. I'm not sure if you will able to help me at all, but we are not quite sure what to do - we just want to live our lives and be happy.

~ Antoinette


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8 Responses »

  1. N/B Pls there would be no paragraph what so ever in this post of mine because am using my phone to send it.... There are critical issues here... What i really wanna understand is are you both leaving together in the same house abroad?? You know, this is exactly why the parents are worried. There is no way both of you will be leaving together in a foriegn country, and both of you are not engaged in premarital sex (fornication).. This is called zina in islam and it is considered as a major sin.. that's why the parent are worried that both of you are leaving in sin, and they too are sinning for giving you the support to leave together from the begining.. As far as islam is concerned, accepting it should come from the dept of your heart. There is no compulsion in islam, you have to make your own research on the religion, and by the time you come to know that it's the true religion of God, then you accept it whole heartedly.. You know islam is a very beautiful religion and it's all about believing in the one true God (called Allah in arabic language) who created the heavens, earth and everything that exist, and submition to Allah's will and plan... Tell your partner to get you a copy of the koran which has english translations and commentaries. Like the one translated by abdullah yusuf ali, or by muhsin khan and muhammad taqi udin al hilali... May Allah guide you sister.

    • Hi Mohd,

      I have great respect for the Islam faith, having taken classes to study it at university and listened to my boyfriend's explanations. I think highly of it to the extent that I would be happy to raise my own children with that faith. However, I will not convert for the sake of marriage and pleasing my partner's family who are determined to despise me no matter what I do. I am happy with my own faith and have now learned that it is not necessary for me to convert in order to marry a muslim man. i am open minded and do not believe that there is any 'one true' religion. but i do believe that there is one true God and we all pray to him regardless of which faith we adopt.

  2. Hey Antoinette

    You poor thing. I totally feel your pain. It's unfortunate that religion gets in the way to this extent all the time. But sadly it's true though. I do however think that this guy's parents are paranoid like this because of the fact that you're living together, which as the previous response mentions is infact considered extremely sinful in Islam. And the biggest threat that his parents are probably concerned about is, is that being with you he'll lose his religion and culture. And you guys living together like this doesn't give them any more comfort in this regard. Maybe the first thing you need to start with is to show them that you DO in fact respect their culture and religion. And moving out and living separately (i.e. not with each other) would be a great start. Parents need to see proof that you're gonna respect their culture and religion.

    And then you have the other issue requiring you to convert. Now I'm not sure if this guy has told you that it's a requirement or if this is what you think or his parents said that. I'm muslim too and as far as I know and you can research this yourself, a muslim guy CAN marry someone of a different religion (i.e. christian or jewish or catholic, etc.) WITHOUT her converting to Islam. Therefore conversion is not mandatory for you. And I can't recall the exact verse and chapter in the Quran where I read this but if a guy marries a non-muslim he's required to allow her to celebrate her festivals and practice her religion as she pleases. Although he's then responsible for the upbringing of his children as muslims but he must also give his wife her rights including practicing her faith.

    I know someone who's muslim and he married a christian woman without converting her. They're raising their kids as muslim but he also does celebrate easter and christmas and everything with his wife. There's no compulsion on her. I think you should mention this to your boyfriend. Now if it's his parents that are requiring a conversion then he just needs to explain to them that it's his religious right to choose his wife and if she's not muslim he's obligated to let her practice her religion freely. And he needs to take that stand for you in front of his parents. It's a different story though if his family gives him a lot of resistance and he caves in to that pressure. But he needs to be strong enough. Hopefully my 2 cents help you guys out.

    • Thank you for your advice. It is greatly appreciated. My boyfriends parents wanted to force us into marriage at first but then did a 180 and decided that they despised me and wanted their son to break up with me instead! We did consider living apart but we knew that this would not have appeased his family in any way..they were determined that we should end our four year relationship. they wanted to send him to another country to study purely to separate us, even if that meant that he would have to begin his degree from scratch. please see my posts about how our situation has panned out.
      Antoinette

  3. Sounds like you have alot of reading to do in both the Quran and the Bible. Ask, Seek, and Knock at the door of God. He will answer you and by your presistance of wanting to do what is right for your way to Heaven.
    You can not just convert as easy as that without knowing why you were born a Roman Catholic Woman first. It is a confusing period, and until you place God in your life first, you will not get the clarity you desire. It is great that he is not pressuring you, but you can't go trying to prove one way is the right way. Get deep in faith, in touch with God. I am certain God will clear your path. Loving a man is one thing, but can you live without this man because it is part of what God's plan for you?
    You are right, without knowing Catholic aka Christianity and knowing what Islam is.... can you ever be out of doubt? You have to dig deep and learn what the social issues that the Roman Catholic Church Teaches. I am certain you will find many similarities. Muslims, Jewish, and Chirstains have to answer the question "Who do you think that I am?" But for now Ask God, Who does he want you to be? ask, seek, and knock.

  4. I thank you all for your advice and comments and felt I ought to let you know how our situation progressed in the past few months. We returned home to face our families and to discuss with them our options. His family forbade him from seeing me anymore, going to such lengths as locking him in the house then coming to my family's home to verbally abuse my relatives and I. The situation grew so dire that we were forced to call the police and have them escort my boyfriend's family off the property. My boyfriend was able to escape his home eventually and came to stay with my family and I for the remainder of our holidays. His family sent him abusive emails regularly and made it clear that they loathed me and wished ill on us and any children we may have in the future. They refused to continue paying his university fees and claimed that they did not care for him anymore

  5. So ee have since returned tp university after securing my boyfriend a schlarship. we are still together and are planning on getting married when we can afford to. We are both only 22 years old and live n a western country where marriage at a young age is frowned upon. we just pray that his parents will find it in their hearts to forgive their son for choosing his own path instead of marrying a muslim woman at a young age.

    • Hello Antoinette,

      I'm sorry to hear that the family abused you as such which is un-Islamic of course. However, performing a nikkah is fairly easy and as part of your mahr, you can make the conditions of marriage as simple as possible. Just remember that society and what people think come to second to God.

      I am familiar with the Catholic faith and I also believe that this is what your religion would encourage also: marriage. The legal aspect is fairly easy and it can be done quickly as you two seem to be making real decisions about a life together. As such, I know that both faiths believe that in marriage what you do and how you spend your time together can be a great form of worship. In this sense of pleasing God, I urge you to marry as soon as possible. We, as people, often think that the circumstances are hard, but God has made it fairly easy, so please take delight in the holy sanctimony of marriage.

      It will be a commitment before God with endless bounties, pleasure and love.

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