Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife avoiding affection and sexual relation

lonely man, losing her,

Aslamoalikum I want to narrate my tense situation with my wife,

We have been married since last 6 years and have Alhamdolilah two children. Since the very start wife does not show much affection to me saying early days are not so good with your mother as my mother does not like me or her family much and she says I have become part of my mother's ideas and share her negative points with her. Which on ground I didn't do. We live separately since start of our marriage. only goes on leaves to meet parents.

We have two Children Alhmdolilah. Since very start behavior of my wife is not good with me as far as love and affection is concerned. She says in initial years behavior of ur mother and yours was not good but its not like that as far as I am concerned. We live away from parents since the day one. I am government servant and she is a doctor but does not do job just a house wife and only goes to meet parents when get leave.

She does not show any affection with me not even a single loving word. Always denies me from having any sort of touching or other physical activity.

We have intercourse very rarely not in few months and that too it seems she is going through a punishment. Now i also try not to approach her but very difficult for me. I used to kiss her and embrace her but now she says don't do it anymore as she feel uncomfortable.

I always try to approach her but she denies me badly which cause deep humiliation inside me for days. Children are also being affected by this. But she says she can't help it out as old things from early days of marriage always remain in her heart. I have apologized several times from her about my behavior if it was wrong and on behalf of my mother as well but she does not accept.

I tried all the methods to make her love me, but all in vain. Don't want to divorce her because of kids and i also want to have a loving relationship with her and want to live a happy family life but in spite of prayers and efforts cant make it out.

I will be very grateful whole my life.

distressed


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15 Responses »

  1. Asalamualikum,

    My husband had blowjob,kissing, boobs, for 1.5 years with my sister, before I came to knew this. He says all this happened because you use to fight with me all the time.
    He says it's not zina as I did not have intercourse with your sister.

    I have 4 daughters with him. My relation is not the same after I came to knew this. I always feel very bad that he broke my trust and he can cheat me any time again.

    He says I have said sorry and it will never happen again, he gets angry when I repeat it every day.

    Please advise me what should be my stance with my sister and my husband in this situation.

    JazakAllah for your guidance and reply.

    • This is quite shocking. If you had no children I would counsel divorce, but with four children it's difficult to know what to do, especially since he is apparently repentant. I suspect that he is not truly sorry, only sorry that he got caught. But you must pray Istikhara and decide the best course of action for yourself. If you need further advice, please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salman: My husband had blowjob, kissing, boobs for 1.5 years with my sister, before I came to knew this. He says all this happened because you use to fight with me all the time.......He says it's not zina as I did not have intercourse with your sister.

      I don't think this sexual acts between your husband and your sister has anything to do with your fighting with him. I think your sister was available and lonely and your husband made a move on her.

      • Yes but my main concern is what should I do in this situation
        I m badly stuck and it's not my fault.
        I have 4 daughters to take care off.

  2. OP: She does not show any affection with me not even a single loving word. Always denies me from having any sort of touching or other physical activity.......We have intercourse very rarely not in few months and that too it seems she is going through a punishment. Now i also try not to approach her but very difficult for me. I used to kiss her and embrace her but now she says don't do it anymore as she feel uncomfortable.

    You have intercourse rarely? How did it happen? Did you loose interest or she refused to do it? If you slowed down she may be blaming herself. What do you for fun? Do you take her shopping?

    You need to have more fun time with your family.

    Do you think she is depressed?

  3. Wa alaykum salaam WRW brother...
    Congrats for being a father of two kids.I understand how care you and concern of your family BUT unfortunately your life companion in NOT YOUR MATCH even though you have already got children.
    Her act of being refusing of any physical interaction/contact with you-is already a sign that SHE IS NO LONGER a good wife for YOU. And may be even ALLAH NOT HAPPY on this.

    Try to tell her the EVIL OF HER ACTION and what she is getting to ALLAH for those BAD THINGS---If she is a real muslimah SHE might get fear and STEP DOWN . Otherwise

    I suggest you to find ANOTHER WIFE as does not care any more on you.You may continue to keep her for the sake of children as you stated BUT where/how can you satisfy your sexual need...

    May ALLAH help you to get what you desires with your family....AMEEN

  4. I have the same problem... i married the love of my life and he loved me too... we have been married for more than 4 years and after 6 months of our marriage he lost interest in me...i stay depressed all the time... we have one son Alhumdulilah... we stay happy ... he says he loves me and he cares about me... but he never wants to have sex with me... i tried everything taking care of his needs, making him good food, smiling at him, kissing him, talking to him about this, fighting with him about this, staying upset with him about this... he says he realises everything and he will be a better husband to me but he does nothing about it... once in 4-5 months he has the sympathy sex with me and then hez back to being himself (on confrontation that he never wants to be with me) ... i have no idea what to do... im just so sick of confronting him anymore... i have lost hope in any physical relationship in our marriage ... however we will stay together and stay happy for our child to be happy

    can anyone suggest me what more i need to do..i have lost all hopes and wanted to discuss matters with someone now... please suggest a solution...

    • depressed: we stay happy ... he says he loves me and he cares about me... but he never wants to have sex with me... i tried everything taking care of his needs, making him good food, smiling at him, kissing him, talking to him about this, fighting with him about this

      There is a difference between "he never wants to have sex with me" and "he can't have a strong erection"? You may both need to see a sex therapist.

      You say "after 6 months of our marriage he lost interest in me...i stay depressed all the time."

      What happened, did he stop one day all of sudden or there was gradual decline?

  5. You can not make anyone love you or force love. It is better to try to talk to your wife to understand why she has no feeling s for you any longer. If things do not improve it is better to let her go and get a divorce. Staying together for the kids is actually not good. Children need to see a healthy marriage and love and harmony between spouses. The Quran says to let wives go in a kind way if marriage is bad. We can not force love from no one and forced intimate relations are not right so you should never try to force your wife ever. You should not secretly get a new wife as that is not right as well and your wife has a right to get divorced from you if she has no feelings for you and to start a new life as well . It is best to let your wife go in a kind way if she can not feel anything for you if after talking to her things do not get better.
    Concentrate on your relationship with Allah and turn to him for prayer and guidance. Maybe being alone would help you become better in your deen and faith.
    If you had relations with her sister it makes perfect sense why she does not want to forgive you and maybe she can not forgive you and that is ok because that is awful if you cheated on her and breaks trust and it makes sense why she can not feel intimate with you. It is important to know when the time to let go of somone is as we can not force love and intimacy.

    • There is no mention of the OP having relations with his wife's sister--the comment that refers to that is not from the OP, but rather a female posting a comment below the post itself.

  6. Ok I thought that was his wife posting on why she could not forgive her husband. Sorry about this comment in my post then and leave that part out.

  7. Assalamualykom
    Looking at all these situations
    To break the marriges is the best possible solution
    Talaq is allowed and is there for these types of problems

  8. Go for decision as this life is only for once.Lady wife is bound to meet her moral and social obligations.I believe a lady wife is supposed to dress well,make up well and must meet all social and sex obligations,failing which you have right to go for second marriage or divorce.Do check her mental heath.

  9. Assalamualykom,

    I am facing the same problem my wife is avoiding the sex. In fact i can stand without sex as I am a very busy person. but there is something more which of more concern.
    My wife is a reverted muslima and she accepted Islam just 3 weeks ago before our nikah. before marriage we dated for 3 months without sex etc. I felt that she really loves me and one day she asked my to have sexual relationship as well. But I told her I cannot have sexual relationship without nikah. She was agnostic at that time. After 2 weeks of that incident she told me she want to become muslim and that she is accepting Islam by heart not just to get marry me.
    So she took shahada with me and I start teaching her basics of islam but i felt strange changes I start to feel sexual attraction towards her. Before when we were meeting she was wearing mini skirt but I never get sexually attractive towards her and nor she was meeting me in hijab but I felt something. So I decided to do marry her.
    After our marriage everything was going right I use to teach her how to pray, how to recite, what are the basics of Islamic teaching and some basic history of Prophet Muhammad SAWW and his fellows; we also use to offer prayer together as a husband-wife jamah . But all of sudden things start changing once she visited her cousins and uncle in Canada.
    After 3 months of our marriage she travelled Canada to meet her cousins and uncle and spent 1.5 months with them. When she came back first she starts to avoid offering prayer with me and always made excuse like I will offer later or I already offered and also refuses to study Islam with me and start showing like she is tiered etc. moreover, she increased her busniss activities start travelling abroad more frequently. I tried to convince her that she should not put so much effort in earning money but she said she want to establish big busniss before having babies. In fact she is in her mid 20’s and I am 32 but she is earning 9-10 time more compare to my salary (Although I am Assistant Professor in a University), so my words were not really convincing her.
    I was thinking I should give her some space and I use to encourage her to practice Islam but never forced her. But slowly and gradually things start get more complicated; whenever I say something about islam she showed very irritating behavior as it some kind of burden. So I stopped teaching her directly and just provided books etc and introduced her to muslim girls and was hopping she will come back.
    Still, she use to wear proper clothing but one day I got to know she is wearing proper clothing only when she is with me. I saw her in mini skirt when she was meeting her friends. And when I checked her cell phone I found her picture during her business trips and in all pictures she was wearing like a non-muslim business woman. Like skirt and suiting. I talked her about the issue but she become reactive and said no one will make business deal with her if she wear hijab. Also she said I should stop controlling her etc.
    After that she even starts avoiding having sexual relationship with me. Although she is taking care of me in other stuff and even she is good to my parents as well.
    If we have babies in future I am afraid they will not get proper Islamic environment. I am very confused should I divorce her? Or should I continue to try bringing her back but until what time? Should I continue at the cost of risk of my upcoming generation?

    Wasalam

    • Brother badaree, you and your wife need to talk about these issues openly and honestly. Ask her directly, without accusation, if she has lost interest in Islam. Ask her if she truly believes in Allah and the Prophet, or if she is afraid of negative pressure from her family, or what. Talk about it. If you come to learn that she no longer believes in Islam and does not intend to practice it, then you should divorce her. The last thing you want is to have children with her and then find that you are arguing about the children's religion, or she is actively trying to subvert their practice of Islam.

      If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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