Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife became apostate, what should I do?

Beautiful road with light ahead, road through a forest, the future

She left that road and chose Darkness

for the last seven years i married a women pretending to be a muslim having 2 children with her.

I trusted her and i loved her strongly, she woke up one morning and told me she is not any more muslim. She was never convicted about islam. She has been in islam for 15 years now she say that she is agnostic believing in evolution for my self

I'm stuck between divorcing her and my children's future ...can any one help me please .

jazakom Allah khier

~ al meskine

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13 Responses »

  1. Find a way to bring her to Islam if you can. Find out why she does not believe in Islam. Maybe she has misunderstood Islam like many non Muslims have. If you cannot convince her then get her to meet up with a learned convert or born Muslims who are used to clearing doubts in people like your wife. Islam is a religion of reason. She will see truth in Islam and the proven authenticity of the Quran if Allah wills. Only Allah knows who the deservings are.

  2. Salaams,

    You said you have been married for 7 years, but your wife was practicing Islam for 15 before she apostacized. That means for 8 years BEFORE marriage, she was following Islam...but apparently not wholeheartedly or with lingering doubt. Either one of a few things here:

    1. You saw indications that she was not strong in her faith at that time, but married her anyway hoping it would change with time. If this is what happened, then I am truly sorry you lost that wager. You took a risk hoping for the best, but it didn't work out that way. Hindsight is always 20/20, they say.

    2. You were so blinded by love or infatuation with her when you married her, that you consciously or unconsciously turned a blind eye to her wavering faith. Maybe you exercised poor judgment because your emotions were in the way. Maybe you realized after some time in the marriage that she was wavering, but by then you had already made your commitments and couldn't turn back.

    3. She hid her lack of faith so well, that no one would have thought what she is doing now to be even possible. If that's the case, this is the worst case scenario. This means she is a master con artist, and you should put as much distance between yourself (including your kids) as reasonably possible.

    The truth is, it's highly, highly unlikely that someone who has been practicing Islam with even mediocre sincerity for 15 years will turn to complete disbelief all of a sudden for no apparent reason. I've heard of Muslims converting to Christianity, but she's not even doing that...she's going straight for agnosticism. Astaghfirullah.

    Brother, the Quran is very clear. You cannot be in marriage with an unbeliever, which is exactly what an agnostic is. It's very, very sad what has happened, but the only wise and permissable option before you is to divorce and work on finding healing for yourself and your children.

    -Amy Editor

  3. I agree. There is no good in this woman, without her Islam.
    This is sad, but the truth. She does not deserve a Muslim husband, until she returns to Islam, regardless of the reason you married her for.

    Do not worry, brother, Allah will find you a way to secure your children's future. Keep your trust in Him and never lose Hope. Insha Allah, it'll be fine.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  4. Are you sure that she's really agnostic? Or is she possibly unhappy in the marriage and she knows that if she claims to be agnostic you will have no choice but to divorce her?

  5. Brother Al Meskine

    Please consider Lydia's thought seriously. She may be trying to push you away. Shaytan may be working his mischief in her heart. Were there any other signs of displeasure? They may have been subtle.

    Offer her your continued emotional support in her time of need. Also, if she has family or muslim friends she turns to for emotional support, suggest that she go to them in this time of crisis for support.

    And do not discount the power of prayer. Offer dual for her. Ask Allah for guidance. And do not take action without praying Istikhara on your indended course.

    Do not go down the road to divorce hastily.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

  6. Assalamualikum. My name is mohammed shalim. I am from bangladesh. I got married to swedish women. We have 4 kids. She practice islam 17 years. Now she became murtad. She is very good person. She use decent clouth. She do not eat pig or drink alkohol. But her main problem she do not Belive any religion. Now if i give her divorce My kids will grow as a none beliver. My question is it jinah to live with her? Hanafi imam in sweden. Bangladesh and india they say no jinah. But saudi wahabi imam say kidnap kids and bring them bd. Now i am confuse. What i should do? I try My best to bring diffrent imam to explain her about islam. But its do not go her heart. She say to me i should practice My religion. I can tech My kids islam. IT is no problem. But i can not tell her about islam. Because she do not Belive islam or Any other religion. She Belize that religion made by humen. Pl brother or sister what i Schould do? We are together 19 years. My elder daugher 17' middele one 13. And other kids 7 and 9' . I am practecing muslim alhamdulillah. Is it jinah to stay with her? I am very much worry. Pl brother ans me or mail me.

    • Mohammed, you cannot remain married to her. She is not lawful as a wife. And you should not kidnap the kids - that's terrible advice. Divorce her and do your best to teach the kids about Islam. If you've been teaching them already then they should have a good foundation and Insha'Allah it will not be difficult.

      Wael Editor

  7. Dear brothers and sisters, I am a Sudanese man of 33 years of age and my wife is a 38 yea rold Ukrainian and we have a 3 year old daughter together. She was a Christian from birth but at the time of her birth she was brought up in a a country that didn't believe in religion. It was banned in the Soviet Union. She became a Muslim 4 years ago and was praying and fasting and reading Quran. She stopped and we came to Ukraine to start a new life. When we came here she started to become strange and she became very bad with me and hated Islam. I do not know what to do because we are having constant problems together because of this. She doesn't want me to play Quran at home and doesnt want our daughter to learn Islam. She is constantly telling me to leave the house and is asking for a divorce. I am very worried about her because I love her and my daughter and I do not want Allah to punish her for becoming a non believer again. I ask Allah for help and my Muslim brothers and sisters. I do not know Russian and I feel I have the obligation to raise my daughter into Islam but I cannot live in this country without knowing the language and without her help. Allah please help me and help her see the right path before it is too late.

    • Ehab, you cannot control your wife and her choices. If you are able to leave and take your daughter with you, then do so. That way you can raise her as a Muslim without interference, Insha'Allah. If you cannot do so then keep on trying with your wife. Maybe you can bring a local Muslim convert to talk to her and address her concerns.

      Wael Editor

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Reverts can sometimes struggle a lot with coming to terms with their new faith and identity. In many ways, reverting is like being born anew, except with a very accelerated learning curve. When people start out on their journey, they may know virtually nothing about Islam other than their own belief in its truth, and it can feel very hard to stay true to Islam when they have little knowledge and few resources to call upon.

      Sometimes people can seem to go through what I suppose could be described as a bit of a "teenage rebellion" - feeling they don't want to fulfil their religious obligations, that they don't want to be so different from their old life and identity. If you feel your wife may be experiencing this, it might help to find a local "New to Islam" group (ask at your masjid or community centre) or a revert sister who can befriend her and help your wife learn to love Islam again inshaAllah.

      However, if your wife is adamant that she does not believe, and wants a divorce, this suggests that there may be a deeper issue which could be much more difficult to resolve. In such circumstances, it might be worth trying marital counselling, in an effort to save your relationship or if this isn't possible then to keep things as amicable as possible for your daughter's sake.

      You aren't responsible for your wife's faith or soul, but you have an obligation to give your daughter an upbringing in which she is shown the beauty of Islam, and in which her wellbeing is prioritised. Even if your wife no longer wishes to be married to you, inshaAllah she will still want what is best for her daughter, and with this as common ground it should be possible to find a way to give your daughter the upbringing she needs.

      Midnightmoon editor

  8. I am in the same situation but I am the wife. I embraced Islam for my husband because I wanted to be with him and have been practising Islam half-heartedly for the past 5 years. And I am sick of people saying that I don't understand it and I need to go and talk to other people. I am an adult - I know what I do and don't believe so please don't tell me otherwise. It is much easier to accept something if you have been indoctrinated with it since birth. For those who haven't it is much easier to not be fooled.

  9. Just a point about this phenomenon called "revert-burnout."

    Reverts usually come from a place where you examine first your heart and *then* say truthfully what is in it, they is they know their hearts natural fitrah of it's Principals and Aqeeda.

    maybe in these cases the revert took their shahada long ago in good faith that "what little of Islam they know" at the start (ie just read the Quran, and some pamphlets) would "naturally be in line with their hearts", but after years of examining deeply the available choices in Islamic Aqeeda and Principals derived from exegisis of Quran and Hadith, they found that they actually don't accept some or most of it, and in the end it would be fakery to themselves, fakery to you, and not acceptable to Allah (insincerity), to force it any more.

    People tell reverts all the time, "That is NOT Islam", "this IS Islam", "don't try to change Islam, change yourself" and then "don't pick and choose" but they say this to mainly powerless reverts, who wonders "why the discrepancies?".

    But reverts, especially the *naturally confident and happy* reverts usually feel they are good enough already and see any attempt to change them as psychologically disturbing, irrational or causing more problems than solving them. (ie don't try to fix something that isn't broke). I guess all I can say is beware when marrying a happy, self confidant new revert.

    If Islam is merely about practicing the five pillars there would never be a problem, most people can accept that.
    It is in the sea of Islamic knowledge/ideas is where people will be asking themselves many deep questions, mainly, do I accept this idea? Will I submit to this interpretation? Do I believe in these values? Be honest, if you didn't grow up with such ideas, these new ideas can be daunting.

    As for calling people to Islam, many of this kind of issues might be avoided by showing honestly up front ALL the available ideologies and principals as Practiced in the plethora of the Islamic world today, rather than fishing for shahadas by just showing some selected part or qoutes that you think a person might like.
    Ie, try saying "Can you accept that a man is the Authority of the Family *regardless of his pesonal character traits*? if you don't, Islam is not going to sit well for you, unless you change your mind first for the sake of Allah SWT."
    The preachers need to be more open about how Islam works and how it will effect the persons life in the future.

    The only remedy I can see it only marry a revert who has studied Islam deeply and practiced steadily for many many years in the way You practice/intend to practice and who checks out within the community.

    for the person who became a muslim just to be with a born muslim, know that by marrying and them you are Subscribing to a beliver and a slave of Allah, so you will *absolutely* have to pay your dues for for that subscription.

    It's not strange for people to change in the blink of an eye, The hearts turn, Allah SWT turns hearts. Go your separate ways with understanding and kindness. Be 100% sure that Allah SWT will give you something better from his abundance and mercy, InShaaAllah

  10. I am.Hindu girl bt I was relationship with Muslim guy last 6 years bt he broken this relationship on 5 th August
    He suddenly telling me that he don't live me at all n not want to marry with me...
    I love him a lot his name is sarfaraz gafoor shaikh
    Plz bhai help me

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