Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love my wife, but she curses, scratches and bites

sad man sitting thinking

Assalamu Aalaikum Wr Wb,

I got married about 9 months ago. My marriage was kind of love marriage + arranged marriage because the day I met her, I told my parents right away to talk to her parents (without any relationship or 'getting to know each other' etc).

She was very nice throughout the time before marriage (we got married within two or three months). After marriage, I discovered something strange. On the third or 4th day of the marriage, she shouted at me for saying "mashaAllah" to a women who was telling me about her daughter that her daughter is a hafizah (I didn't even look at her and didn't even know). But she was very abusively angry on me. I said this might be because she doesn't want to lose me and may be because she is possessive..  So I forgave her for the disrespect. Moving on.. things started getting worst. She has to-date literally abused me by using foul language at least 50 times in just 9 months.

For the most part (I'd say more than 90%) I remained silent when she was anger. I thought she'd calm down, and when she's relaxed, we can then talk. Even at times she started physically abusing me (hitting, scratching my body with her nails, even biting!!) and kept on swearing to me and my family. She could not live with my family so I brought her to a new house where we could live alone.

I had passed these 9 months very difficultly. Numrous times I would be silent when she is angry. I would keep on swallowing my anger. I did it MANY MANY times. Recently I got so angry, that I am doing this, I am being silent. I try to calm her down, she keeps abusing me.. what the hell when is this going to stop? and I hit her.. and I really feel so bad.. I never even killed a lizard in my house (she did though). I never ever imagined that I would ever hit any one, let alone a women.. and let alone my wife! I really feel bad about hitting her but I had no choice.. she has bite me in so many places in my body, my whole body is just.. a mess right now, with signs of scratches and bytes everywhere..

But here is the part that confuses me the most (And will surely confuse you the reader as well):

In spite of the bad times we had.. when she is good.. she is just.. brilliant.. when she is happy, she really gives me a lot of love.. even looking at her makes me feel at peace.. I feel so happy when I look at her smiling face.. Intimacy too has never been a problem for me. We are also expecting a child very soon.. But I am really confused.. at times she is telling me how much she loves me.. and how much I am important for her.. etc.. and suddenly something happens that she didn't like, immediately, within minutes, she's like: "I hate you!!" and I am shocked.. I sometimes don't even think I was talking with the same person?? Its like it was someone else..??

She is Islamically also good. She prays regularly. Alhamdulillah I also try never to miss the Jama'at in the masjid of any prayer. I requested her to start wearing Niqab, she did that. Even when she didn't wear Niqab , she would cover herself properly when going out. She at times reads Qur'an. She even woke me up for tahajud once by sprinkling water on my face. It was so beautiful..

But all these things are sandwiched in her swears, physical abuse, mental torture.. slandering, threatening..

Please help me. I really don't want to lose her.. I love her very very much. But it just seems so difficult to live with her.. and its also not possible for me to live without her..

~ Muhammad

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40 Responses »

  1. Muhammad Asalamailaikum,

    I feel that this is a very delicate situation and of course would require assistance from a person who is more knowledgeable than me. If you have brought it up with you local Imam unless he has dealt with many situations like this one he won't be able to help you too much. I would say go to a Islamic Leader in this field and convey the message to that individual who has the background and expertise in such aspects. May Allah make it easy for you and correct the affairs of your wife. Ameen.

  2. Brother,

    Could you tell me what sort of instances made her morph??
    What type of faults you did to make her so angry???
    If you could provide me answers to the above then I gues I could help you..

    Allah Bless You!!

  3. when she is super angry its either you who did something, or devil whispering in her ear.

    when you said Mashallah to the hafizah, some women are so possessive, that her man is hers only and wouldnt dare show any admiration towards another even if its for the sake of Allah, this is an educational issue.

    assess your behaviour and trace back your steps and think about what you said or did and she became angry, this might help.

    Also, when she is angry, just say AllahuAkbar and blow on her...this gets rid of any devils whispering...if she calms instantly have your answer.

    also, her biting etc could just be playful, bite her back lol if she likes it...well then this is a part of her, maybe try talking to her and asking her why she does it and explaining that you do not like it.

    and tell her not to kill lizards, they eat flies.

  4. As salam mualaikum brother.

    I am really suprised by how patient u have been. I know how difficult it must be but plz dont ruin it at the end, particularly at this time when she is pregnant. Allah will hopefully reward u for ur patience, and her love for u will increase too when she comes into her senses. U are a very loving and nice husband. She is really lucky to have u.

    I think someone has either done blackmagic on her or she might be under the influence of a jinn, or may be she is psychologically disturbed and so thats why she sometimes gets so immensely furious. Im not saying she has a mental disorder, but may have depression or something that makes her emotionally unstable and she therefore acts so differently.

    So my advice would be to find out if there is any magic etc on her and also try to find more about her by talking to her when she is in a good mood. So like try asking her about how her childhood was like and what she is most fearful of and so on, the more u get to know her the more u will understand her behaviour, and the more u understand her behaviour the more u will be able to get things right between u guys. If u find out that the reason for her bad behaviour is due to emotional instability then teach her about what the rights of both husband and wife are, and what the keys to a successful marriage are. Teach her in a sensitive way, which im sure u will, and in a way which seems that u are also learning it with her, so perhaps get on a course or just say ur friend is getting married and u want to produce a booklet for him which explains the rights of the couple and how to make a marriage work and get her involved like that. Basically in a way that doesnt offend her, because she does seem to be quite sensitive. Also try to find out what makes her angry etc and try to abstain from those things as much as u can, particularly at this time where she doesnt seem to know what she is doing.

    I think she does love u, if she didnt then she wouldnt have been getting intimate or emotionally bonding with u. I think there is love in her heart for u, but she is influenced by something perhaps. Look more deeper into the problem and treat it from its roots as soon as u can.

    U are a very good husband, and I hope that she comes into her senses soon and u two live together happily.

  5. salam brother muhammed,

    she might be suffering from a mental disorder or anger management issues. if you are in uk or usa talk tothe midwife , doctor, GP so that they can arrange some counceling for you two. inshallah it will help. now that the baby is coming and if she really does have a mental health problem than postnatally this could become very serious not just for you and the baby but for herself. some time people can commit suicide as well. so please brother take some professional help . i dont know how much a masjid imam can help?.

  6. Why would your wife be getting hurt and violent over small issues, even beating you, biting you and threatening you... She's using the love you have for her againt you, since that's the weak point, you are vulnerable to her and she feels she can ride you as she likes.. You are a very patient man and you are very patient to your wife,, it seems your wife is a very jealous woman and she cant control her jealousy, if not why would your wife get hurt just because you said mashaallah to a hafizah.. No she has gone too far and its you fault, because you gave her the chance and the gutts to be maltreating you like this... You know, even though you love her, you cant be keeping quiet and be watching her maltreating you this way, you have to do something in other to have the control as her husband, and in other to save the marriage.. it's time you take some measures and precautions so that you gain back you respect... First talk to her, maybe at night while you are alone.. Be very serious when you are addressing the issue to her, and tell her how bad and emotionally hurt you feel when she's misbehaving like that... and also tell her to learn how to control her jealousy because hence forth you cant tolerate all the mess she's doing to you... If you try this step for weeks or months and you see no sign of change in her., then you shall take the next step that is a bit harsh,, ie you start expressing your mind (how bad you feel) physically by (1) ignoring her, refusing to eat her meal, you begin to look harsh and dont always smile or laugh with her, you should always be looking serious and dont be cracking jokes with her, and yes by ignoring her in bed also... When she sees this changes in you, she would have no option than to melt down her aggressive behavious and jealosy and change her behavious towards you, in other to have you back... You can give this a try and inshaallah you would get the changes you want.

    • hi again that's the worst piece of advice I've ever come across do you hate women that much!

    • Mohd,

      Clearly - you're not married.

      SisterZ Editor

      • With some modifications , your advice will be highly efficient , Mohd.

        Ofcourse , the feminist ranting was obvious . Oh dear , I don't know why women get the sympathy and kindness every time, even if it's their(women) fault .

        Back to the questioner . Your wife is showing psychotic behaviour .Maybe , she is a psycho .

        • I know some females would reject my advice because the victim here is a male. Had it being it was the man that is so violent to his wife like that, it would have being a different thing all together, because the advice from the ladies would be 'divorce him'... I just miss one point here otherwise my advice would have been the most effective.. The issue of medical help should be the first step he should take,, but if it becomes clear that its her habit/behaviour and it has nothing to do with illness whatsoever, then i think the humble advice i gave would be the most effective for this man's problems... And to sister miah,, i in no way hate women lol, infact that's what i desire most in my life now lol!!! , to have a good and religious wife by my side... But you have to admit that atimes some measures are necessary and need to be taken against some few women (like the wife of this man in question)... And in response to sisterz, yes you are right about me., am still a single man but am seriously searching for a woman that i would shear my life with in this life and in the jannah inshaallah... But alas, the women i came across are either immoral or unreligious and am left with no option than to back off or break up with them, .... Because i really desire a good, kind and religious woman who would be a best example to my children and raise them up with the deen... But it seems this kind of women are somehow difficult to find.... Pls pray for me, because i really want to settle down and have my family. lol!!!

          • Pray that Allah swt grants you a good pious wife Bro Mohd.

            I do agree it's a bit impractical though I get where you are coming from. He should defend himself. Its a difficult situation, I understand partially. I used to get hit and kicked by a 7 and 8 year old male relatives. Quite hard as well. But what do I do, they make me so annoyed, especially as their mother does NOTHING. Can I hit them back? No. Shame they're not a few years older. Its morally wrong to hit someone weaker than you. What I have decided to do is keep on guard if I am around them and at least try to defend myself by blocking them. I rarely have to see them Alhumdulilah, as it is a real test of patience to not hit them back. (I have tried talking to them nicely and also scolding them - it doesnt work.) So in a nutshell I advise the brother to protect himself within what is necessary but try not to get angry and do something he'll regret.

            Personally, I think the first step should be to encourage her to see the doctor. She may be bipolar, in which case she will need medication. Give her the help she needs - of course if it still continues and he is struggling then divorce is an option but I think unless in imminent danger, it should be a last resort.


  7. Salaam Brother

    I feel very sorry for your situation, I do think your wife can not help her rage and attacks, does she show any genuine remorse when she has calmed down?

    You have two options:

    1. You leave your wife.
    2. You send your wife to a psychiatrist or someone that can talk through her issues objectively.

    If you take option 1 this may give you temporary relief but is not a long term solution. Your child will suffer, even if you remarry your new wife will have flaws too. You will always have ties with your 1st wife as you have a child together and cannot escape her harmful behaviour. If you leave her and she re-marries she may terrorise another poor brother and it will only increase her issues as her worst fears will come true. Maybe deep down she is scared of losing you?

    If you take option 2 this is the noble option and will build your character too Inshallah. She sounds very insecure, has low self-esteem and psychologically damaged from childhood, she probably cant help her reaction. Speak to her parents.... try to get to the root of the problem and show her that there is nothing to fear. If you help her overcome this I am sure she will be grateful to you in the future and you will doing your bit for society. It is easy for me to give you advice and no-one can blame for taking option 1 as for option 2 you would have to remain strong at all times but think of the reward.

    If she is okay psychologically then have ruqya read on her.

    I wish you all the best Brother and be grateful that you are being tested and not doing the testing. Allah (swt) must love you alot.

  8. dear brother mohammed ,

    you keep a harsh attitude , you loose what you are trying to save here, your marriage. councelling my brother by professional so that both sides issues could be addressed is what is required. people have underlying mental health issues like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia which only people living in close relationship get to know please my brother consult a professional medical advise , these conditions get worse in pregnancy . my brother i know this very well because i have seen cases like these. please take some professional help.

  9. Muhammed,

    Your wife's condition sounds a lot like Bipolar Disorder. One in every seven people have it.

    I believe your wife should see a doctor. As one of the posters wrote above, if part of this is depression and she gives birth, it can be a whole lot worse. Please seek out professional help.


  10. mohm mashlh that is islam! by having that attitude you protect your imaan and your wives by not letting her sin by disobeying u or harming u and openjing a easy way to hell alhmdlh mashlh im a women and i feel some of us need that treatment to a ''wake up call'' and jannah is better then this world .....most women are so ignorant they take advantage of hubbies effection and act all naggy when they want when actually they shud try never too no matter what your hubby do u shud have been the patient one with alot sabr not get all witchy...

  11. i meant mohd*

    • Thank you sister,, i was not expecting to so a positive reply from a sister, you know, its not that easy to find a woman that would reason positively as you deed

  12. If , in this question a husband physically abused his wife . You would see comments after comments suggesting the wife to get divorce .

    Double standards !!

    oh i forgot , what else would you expect from a feminist .

    • Lala,
      Your comment is rude and unecessary. It brings nothing to the post. We are here to help the author of this post not to provoke arguments please. So you believe the comments may be slightly biased, OK, then say it with Adab but by no means should you personally call someone a feminist or anything else for that matter.

      Please calm down. Life isn't always a blame game. It isn't always women vs men and if we're not telling the husband to divorce his wife it doesnt mean we're siding with the wife. We are simply trying to offer the best advice. No where does it say the husband wants to leave the wife, in fact he doesnt. He also does not appear to be in imminent danger, Alhumdulilah I hope that is true. You are free to give your opinion on here provided that it is in a respectful way and is not inciting arguments.

      Sara Editor

  13. salaam bro
    while women are pregnant they have what is called mood swing and tha couses hormonals in aminute she is fine the other she is crazy so if your wife wasn't like this before marriage.defenately it is all about the pregnanacy.give her atime see what will ahappen after birth.i do the same thing to my husaband while i'm preg i even ran away to family house same times and atfter birth i cry coz of guilt i love him soo much but at time i could'nt controll my self.tell your wife to say subxanallah.alahu abkbar when she feels anger or same thing like that.allah help you

  14. la la ALLAH didnt give permission to women to beat men he gave permission to MEN to beat WOMEN IN THE QURAAN not brutal BUT A WAKE UP CALL....women shud knw their limits its their husband their protector as Allah stated in the quraan ....they should be obediant so that they can enter thru any door of jannah inshlh as the hadith stated....we women shud have been soft natured not agressive like a man like the prophet women r married for four reasons wealth,health,beauty,piouty and piouty is the best....asiya was the wife of firaun but she was patient.... we r muslims we turn to Allah if we need help not to shaytaans ways of verbal abuse....its a BIG sin to on like that with ur hubby the prophet said women shud be grateful for what their husbands do for them ..... i certainly wudnt mind my husband beating me till the blood comes out if its for a good reason like putting me in the ryt path for me thats not abuse or hurt its a reminder and its help and in the end what is better continues sin or the beating that gave me a wake up call and made me a good wife?

    • i certainly wudnt mind my husband beating me till the blood comes out if its for a good reason

      Sorry sister but husband has no right what so ever to beat his wife like that or even just "beating without blood"; no matter how stubborn she may be. However, their are other ways to deal with the wife if she doesn't obey her husband. A man is made ameer of the house to lead the family in the most efficient way possible using reasoning, best ways to persuade his wife in any matter and use hikmah when things are going in the wrong direction rather then taking it out on kids and wife. So, I would say to read the books on the role of husband in a family and more importantly read about the life of Holy Prophet (PBUH) who was married to 12 wives (Umma-hat-ul-Momineen).



      • "Sorry sister but husband has no right what so ever to beat his wife like that or even just "beating without blood"; no matter how stubborn she may be."

        have you ever read the seerah of some of the companions, and some of the best of the Salaf, like Sa'eed ibn-Al-Mussayyab?

        im not supporting a man making his wife bleed, but im just saying!

        • Well, may be you can enlighten me a bit more on life of Sahaba (R.A) but I would recommend you to read the seerah of Prophet (PBUH) and logic behind man being the Ameer of the house. How Holy Prophet (PBUH) dealt with his wives (R.A) is an example which a lot of brothers need to follow today. Their are other ways to deal with the issues regarding spouse and if nothing works then one has the option of divorce; yes, it's disliked but allowed when everything else fails.


        • yes i knwo it aint what islam encourages im just saying for me it wud rather be that and not jahannam

  15. i meant miah not lala

  16. by the way ive been in the same situation as ur wife there is nothing wrong with your wife she is just angry BACKGROUND its either something bad happened or the individual was brought up in a bad way or environment so when they lash out they aint lashing out at you but at their past....the saying goes hungry man is a angry man well a women with a bad background is a angry women,,,,,what your wife needs right now is inspiration she needs you to tell her to forget and forgive what happened in the past if she opens up even better then she will bring out the tears shes been keeping in for years and will bury it she needs someone to talk to to tell what is hurting her deep down inside and that person shud be you take walks talk abt it .....she hasnt healed from what has happened to her in the past so now she is very fragile u shud be patient encouraging soft sweet during this prcess u shud ask her nicely is this what u want all your life? do u want us to hate each other? do u want us to seperate ? when she is sweet she is herself but when she snaps to another personality she actually remebred smthing that happened in her past so she goes into the moment and gets a fit of rage and anger for what happened it wil feel like her past was just yesterday...i never got any healing never went to a therapist i just came across a hadith online that said
    Noble Prophet (peace be upon him) says: ‘The woman who demands divorce from her husband without having any ground, will be deprived of the fragrance of Heaven.’(Bukhari).... from that day i felt bad and i said ok i have to change...i took a walk to my room i spoke to myself and Allah i layed down and said how did this begin i was so innocent and sweet from that to this vulgar beast so i said ok lemme rewind back to my past and c how this happened i remembered all the bad incidents i remembered wu i was and what made me change what ppl did to me i started swearing at at them and insulting them saying to my thoughts yah its all ur ppl stupid fault wu made me into this beast i felt like two ppl but then i told myself im not mad i just have two sides to me like evryone else a bad side a angry side a sweet side and realised i havent forgive or forgotten my past,,,, i told myslef this is not wu i wana be i wana be pious oneday not the devils acomplis i was filled with tears i shouted screamed wept i askd Allah why how and then a thought came to my head just like that and i thot because life is a test he did this (ALLAH) to make me stronger if he didnt do what he did then i wud have remained ignorant and fall into worse sin he took away from me many stuff i gave away my dignity respect my modesty and he took away from me what i thot was good but it wasnt at all he took it away in order to save my honour if he left me id have lost faith nn disbelieve alhmdlh he saved me '' i said alhmdlh for giving me the answers i cried and said o Allah i forgive evrybody and i forgive my past help me be the person i wana be coz i dont wana be amongst those who make u angry but amongst those whom u r pleased with subhnlh the next day i felt somebone helping me to be myself that same sweet little girl i changed completly made my hubby laugh baked alot for him played with him smiled towards him told him how gud he was and how gud it is to b with him and how i apreciate all he does for me lol years has past and believe it or not i have recoverd from my past im me again me and my hubby havent fought at all we r just getting closer and closer alhmdlh helping each other with the deen and our lives.....

    I dont think those who didnt go thru this will understand....

  17. some need ''a wake up call'' and some dont wake up if others push them.... ''they wake up in their own time''

  18. Salaams Br. Muhammad,

    First of all may Allah bless and forgive both you and your wife and guide you both to a peaceful life in dunya and in akhira.

    I agree with Sr. Haniyyya, as I have also been in that dark and scary place. Here is what I have discovered, I hope Insha Allah it will help you (sorry, it's kinda lenghty):

    It is similar to an addiction - we have (unintentionally) conditioned ourselves to react/respond in certain ways when we receive what I call "triggers". I honestly did not realise that I was holding on to past pains. I always thought that I had forgiven the people that hurt me and moved on. What I did not realise, was that I still had all the hurt and anger inside me (that I did not deal with), and I was taking it out on innocent people. I would be extremely sweet one minute and as soon as I get a "trigger" - I would literally become someone else. And its really weird, because during those time, its like you know you you're being unreasonable, you know you should stop, but you can't seem to. It's kinda like an unstoppable force driving you to behave, well.....insane! During the non-insane times, when you think back to what you did, you're like "what the .....!!" But, it's not enough to stop it the next time. It's really hard to change, it's really hard to stop it. Please don't think that she does not want to stop it, it is just really hard to do. Fighting your nafs is one of the hardest things to do, for anyone.

    So, you need to support her and let her know that you're there for her. But, at the same time, you cannot give in to her crazy there is no point to that - she will never be satisfied, she will always want more and more, she will want you to prove that you love her, but nothing will be enough. Be a good husband, but don't let her take advantage of you.

    Patience is key! Patience is key!! Don't lose patience when dealing with her. She will try to push you, but don't let her. Keep in mind, none of what she is doing is intentional, she is pushing you because she is feeling pain and anger and she doesn't know where to direct it.

    People are not usually open to hearing bad things about themselves, especially if its the truth. So, be careful how you approach her with regards to the unresolved issues in her past. Also, she may not want to discuss these issues with you (maybe, idk), so you should have someone she trust and would be willing to talk to available (sister or counsellor etc.). It's okay if she does not want to discuss the issues with you, the bottom line is getting it out and making her better, insha Allah. So, when she is in a good mood and you are alone and giving her your undivided attention, you need to let her know that she is hurting you and that you love her and don't want to lose her, but things must change. You need to let her know about the severity of her behaviour towards her husband, in the sight of Allah. She needs to understand that she is hurting herself more than anyone else and she has to control herself. You are not her punching bag, you are not her enemy, she shouldn't aim her guns at you! You are a creation from Allah - she is hurting a creation for Allah - tell her this. Ask her if she thinks she is treating you fairly and justly? Ask her is she wants to continue hurting one of Allah creations?

    You have to tell her that there might be something in her past that she needs to deal with and release, as it will destroy her life. She may not admit that there is something or she may genuinely not know what it is, but there is something. Getting to the root cause is a hard and lengthy process. Generally speaking, once you start looking inside yourself you will realise that there is probably a million things wrong with you. The first reaction is, "no way, i'm not like that" but as you think about it more, you will slowly realise that, "crap, i am like that" and "what is wrong with me?". Anyway, that's a whole other topic, the point I'm trying to make here is that it will be a long process, so once again be patient and supportive.

    Insha Allah, eventually as all the "stuff" begins to surface, you should see changes in her. Don't stop at this point - changes for bad or for good means that she is working on things. The bad stuff will still come out, as they will not want to leave, its comfortable for her to react in the bad way. Don't give up, just keep going. Even when things get better - you have to make sure all the past pains are out. She will need to get rid of the anger. We have a punching bag at home - this comes in very However, she can literally punch a pillow. Screaming into a pillow or a car with the windows rolled up, is also a good way to get out anger.

    "Triggers" are not always a bad thing - they are the things that cause the outburst of insane bahaviour. It can simply be that you give your attention to someone else, or when she feels left out of something that you're doing. They are the things that will give you insight into what is causing the reaction/behaviour. She will have to re-direct the feelings caused by the triggers from you, to the root cause of the feelings. This is difficult but necessary.

    Having said all of that, you must know that she is the one that has to change - you cannot change her. She will have a lot of work to do. She has to want to change, she has to accept that she is displeasing her husband and her Lord. She has to love herself enough to not want to end up in the hellfire. She has to love Allah enough to want to change her behaviour. Let her read and understand the duties of a wife (and husband) in Islam - she should read a different article daily for the next few months - about marriage and husband/wife roles, duties etc. This is a test from Allah, for both of you. You can't make anything happen, you job will be to be a good husband, to be patient and supportive and to let her know that you are there for her and you love her - she will have to do the rest herself.

    Also, the whispering of the Shaitaan does not help - they play on the weakness of people. Beware of them - take extra measures to protect yourselves. Pray on time, say Ayatul Kursi often etc. Your wife will need to control her anger, in the moments that they appear. She needs to control her nafs, they cannot control her anymore (she should say this to herself).

    Sorry for the length of this comment (I tried to shorten, but I hope it helps, Insha Allah.


  19. Brother Mohd,
    Not to worry about the fact that she beats u,u alone is not the victim even my husband is facing it for last 2.6 years,yes i commit i beat him,scratches him abuses badly to him but the problem with me was about possesion,i was affected by a jinn and thats why i did that....May Allah reward my hubby for his patience,among these situations he beat me only 1 or 2 times when the situation were worse...i think she might be under the influnce of what i said about myself...
    Things are now in control Alhumdulillah...
    Say her to read sura baqra regularly and just for clearing your doubt go to an Raaqi
    May Allah shower his blessings on you,i can feel your pain.
    Allah hafiz

  20. Asalaam alaikum,

    I hope you two seek marriage counseling from an imam, a social service or by involving your families. It's very early in your marriage so these things can be resolved peacefully, Insha'allah.

    When you both hit each other, especially with her scratches and biting it moves to a phase known as "ownership." What she is doing is causing physical scars and bruising that reminds you that she can hurt you and keep your reminded of the scars from day to day. It's akin to lashing someone as a reminder for their crimes. When this happens, she and you are moving beyond the rules of marriage, even Islamically.

    The verbal abuse is a precursor to the physical abuse and both of them are a sign of something that is out of balance with what she chooses to express to you. What an anger management issue is essentially, is being unable to communicate a person's feelings without harming others. This is clear in her case. Her underlying problems are not manifested in abuse, but her lack of being unable to communicate her feelings is what draws out the abuse. What you need to help her with is re-channeling her emotions and feelings properly.

    Discuss with her why she acts out in those ways. It's a sensitive issue, but try to find the delicacy and correct time to approach it. You might want to either visit a park, a quite beach or another semi-public place where her propensity for violence would be lower.

    One method that is sometimes recommended is to discuss these issues after any private intimacy, because at this time she is feeling open and loving. It's not a time for accusation, but a time to further heal your relationship. Often what marriage partners forget is one of the benefits of being intimate is to also to solidify your marriage. Use light touching, hugging and comfortable embraces at this time, because more than likely you will be physically naked, so there is also an emotional vulnerability that is included. Studies have shown that we are more empathetic with our spouses when we are naked with them in a warm environment.

    This takes practice and very patient conversation. Do not expect to solve all of your problems in one night. Actually, this is a good point because it commits you two to be intimate both physically and emotionally over time. She'll hopefully begin to understand "okay, here's when I can share with him my problems."

    The focal point is to make a commitment at this time to change and stop the abuse that is happening.

    You also need to explore your wife's body to tune into what pleases her. Why? So that when she is feeling upset you can embrace her there. If she is feeling stress, rub her shoulders, her neck and her feet. Prepare warm salt water soaking tubs for her feet and massage them. Make time to do this weekly, if not daily.

    Discover her erogenous zones. You need to do this together. I won't be explicit, but you must make time to do this 3 times a week, if not more. The most healthy couples actually are intimate every day, but that doesn't mean that they are having sex all the time. What it means is that they are playing with each other and show their affection openly to each other. And learn her menstruation times during the month after the birth of your child. Keep a calendar if you have to, to remind yourself when she will be feeling moody. Use that time to prepare yourself to be aware of her needs.

    Do not allow her to always be busy alone making meals or housecleaning. You need to do this with her as a means of support and investment in your relationship. Do not allow her to clean the toilet, the bathtub or shower. Either hire help for it or do it yourself. When she washes clothes, help her in every step.

    You need to commit with her to make your house room by room a "safe place" for both of you. Start with the bedroom as the first room where no hitting is allowed. Build the sanctity of that room, too. Find more pleasing colors to decorate with while avoiding harsh colors like blacks and reds. Black colors naturally make us depressed and reds set off a mental warnings of danger and aggression. Stay away from yellow colors because they set off warning signals, as well. Light blues, pinks, whites, light greens, light oranges, light purples and browns are more inviting and serene. Stay away from deep and harsh colors. If the rooms are white, paint them a softer shade and the ceiling, as well.

    Do not become complacent in your room or with your clothes. Always keep it neat, ready and inviting. Throw away or mend any clothes with holes. Throw away underwear that is stained. In fact, take her with you to choose the colors of your pajamas, robes and anything that you wear to bed. The same with her. Do not allow her to wear cleansing masks or curlers to bed. I cannot stress this enough. Do not become lazy or ugly in your bedroom!

    Remove overhead lighting and use lamps and nightlights instead. Warm lighting under 75 watts, is recommended. Dimmers are nice, but again, avoid overhead lighting.

    Remove the television from your bedroom, if you have one. Invest in soft sheets with high cotton counts, silk and/or satin. Have soft pillows and let it be a room where slowly, but surely, no arguments will be allowed either. Place your prayer rugs on one side of the room, always ready for prayer. Keep a Qur'an in your room and read verses every night that brings you two together. In fact, have her read Qur'an while you listen. Praise her for doing this and create a habit of reading Qur'an before intimacy. I know she is pregnant now, so this is even more needed.

    This is also a relationship building exercise to make her feel in control and creating a bonding experience for you two.

    Also, you will do this with the baby's room, if the baby will be in a separate room. The stress of having a baby needs the grandparents available, as well. You need to involve your mothers quickly in making sure that your wife is not over stressed during this time or exhausted. If the baby is staying in your bedroom, other accommodations need to be made to alleviate this situation.

    Also, make plans with your wife during the first few years of the baby's birth where you two can leave the baby with the grandparents while you two spend intimate time together. This shall act as your "break." Many people may not like this saying that the baby always comes first, but it is necessary during these years to have time together where the baby can be taken care of by the grandparents while you two relax and play for a bit. Your marriage needs constant building techniques and this is one of them. Do not feel guilty about this. This is better for your relationship and the child, too.

    I want you to talk closely with your wife's doctor about prescribing her any medication. These pills have been known to cause depression, desperation and psychotic behavior in new mothers. It's important that she stops using these drugs if she experiences any side effects such as these. Many women refuse to take them these days, as well. So please read up on them if she is prescribed anything.

    If you are overweight, start controlling your diet and exercise. With a baby, you're going to need to the extra strength anyways. Make it a part of your routine with her. Again, use it to build intimacy, trust and a healthy relationship.

    Stay away from dark teas, coffee and high caffeine drinks. Neither of you should use any artificial energy pills to increase your energy. Start drinking citrus juices such as orange juice, pineapple, lemonade, etc. Get off of cola and any drinks like that. Limit red meat to once a week and replace cow meat with lamb when possible. Use chicken and fish as the mainstays of your diet. Rely on pastas as a change from rice and replace vegetable oils with olive oils, too. Stop eating fried food and ground meat. Limit egg consumption and replace Vitamin D milk with 2% and then eventually work towards 1% milk. You can have low fat chocolate milk as an indulgence.

    Why all these diet changes? It's too keep naturally fit both physically and mentally. Consume dates, raisins, grapes, and dried fruit as a means of limiting candy intake. Again you are trying to regulate the sugar in your bodies as a means to controlling your moods. You are what you eat!

    All this is an attempt to form your bond together. If you want to be the man of the house, you need to take charge of it.

    Let me also say that the verse interpreted of beating is not understood by many people who have posted here. It's actually quite intricate and requires more understanding. Having said that, I will post a dissection of it when I have the time later on.

    • Thank you brother Professor X for your intelligent and compassionate advises.
      I now come to this website even more often just to read rational, wise words you are giving to people, MashaAllah. May Allah SWT reward you with all the good in this life and hereafter. Amen
      And I pray that Allah SWT blesses me with a husband who will be as wise, thoughtful and genuine as you are. Amen. Ya Rabb.

      Thank you for br Wael and all editors of this amazing website!

      • You're most welcome D and aameen to your dua!

        SisterZ Editor

      • Asalaam alaikum Sister D,

        May Allah (swt) bless you and your family, and grant your dua with swiftness and more bounties than you can imagine.

        I am humbled by your words, because today had its' share of difficulties and they brought me comfort. Thank you for being so generous and kind.

        Yet, I am merely a servant of Allah (swt). For I am the one who is needy, destitute, disobedient and has little to show for the mercy that He has given me. Without Him, my life would be empty of purpose and void of any goodness. I pray that one day I will be the person who is worthy of Him.

        A scholar who I am fond of quoting, once said that upon death every believer would say upon entering Heaven, "Oh would that I could have reached higher!"

        As Prophet Yunus (as) exclaimed, "Glory be to You, there is no god but You. Verily I was of the unjust ones."

        That is how I often feel, as I think we all do.

        Thank you again sister, as today had its' trials. Allah (swt) gave me, through you, what I needed to read today. I will keep you in my prayers, as well.

  21. Sounds like she has a psychological problem, something like Bipolar disorder. I advise you seek medical help and continue to endure and support her. I've had experience with Bipolar as a family member of mine had it. People who are telling you to leave or become harsher, I'm sorry I completely disagree with them. As someone who has been in a similar situation, stand by her and try to help her. You clearly love, as she does you, have patience. Bipolar is treatable, so there is hope. Inshallah you'll get through it.

  22. Subhanallah its amazing how I am exactly in the same situation as you Akhi. Not just how you got married and how your are expecting a baby but every small detail that you mentioned matches my story.

    I spoke to an Imam but to be honest in cases like these they seem to have no clue.

    Can it be magic, I don't think so.

    In my wife's case I know she was bullied badly at school and that has left a permanent mark on my wife's behavior.

    We have been married for around 1 and a half years and even now we fight almost every week. My wife is always happy when we go to her parents house and is at her best behavior. But when we are at home if there is anything that annoys her, doesn't matter how small or insignificant it might be, she has a go at me.

    I do not know when or if she will change her behaviour. But I hope Allah helps us all.

  23. my dear brother
    please don't leave your wife because Alhumdullilah you are really happy with her and even she is really happy I know your wife is lil bit rude when she gets angry but In Shaa Allah everything wil be alright. just keep your faith on Allah and make duaa . but please don't leave her 🙂

    May Allah guide evry ummathi Muhammad on the right path Ameen

  24. Could be a sihr jinn problems consult a shaykh if not then abpsychologist

  25. May Allah bless you


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