Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife Divorced me because of my Anger!!

tree lonely

Dear Brother and Sisters,

I got married in India, then we went to do Umrah the second day after marriage, our 1st night was not very successful. Most time I always wanted her to come close to me and she wanted same from me. We always lack good communication because I was nervous and so tired and sometimes when she use to said things, I always felt insecure and disrespected (almost like she is complaining about me) so I always felt insecure. But I always felt insecure about my self because I am not so cool talker, funny or good looking and she is definitely gorgeous. She never call my mom and dad, mom and dad ever since the marriage. She never posted our pic online as she always post her pic on instagram on and on whatsapp.

So, after Umrah we went to Dubai for 4 days and same thing, even we were together, we always felt separated. After 2 days of Dubai I had to come back to Canada so I left her in India as I will have to file a sponsor for her. So, I came to Canada and again I felt she does not give me attention, respect and priority because sometimes she would just look at my whatsapp message and ignore it. And on call conversation we did not had much to talk about, and when I felt she ignore my calls or she did not pick up my calls, I use to get angry and blame her that she did not pick up my call, so I was harsh, rude and mostly angry. 2 days we will talk nice and 3rd would be fight. So, I decided to go to India to rectify everything but as soon as I went to India, we end up fighting because she did not wanted to give me her phone password. Then next day I end up indirectly saying that she just married me to get to Canada.

Then her parents came and few words were thrown here and there, second day they came and took her saying they will try to make her understand but instead we heard she wants divorce. So, that was it, I went and give 3 talaq in one sitting.

This was an arrange marriage, when I met her on Feb 1, I liked her alot so I decided to make dua, salatul hajat, I did some wazifa (i believe it was wazifa) for ten days and on Feb 11 we got engage and on Feb 21 we got married. Technically we were physically together only for 22 days after marriage that was in Umrah and Dubai. But because I did lots of praying before marriage I was dead tired and Umrah we did tawaf which made me more tired. Whenever we talk over the phone, I never felt she wanted this marriage, She would never talk about how we can have a kids and how our house will look like etc. Even in Umrah and Dubai she never looked happy as she compromise in marriage. Most time she will always say noone can understand whats in her heart.

Now we are divorce for two months now and when I think so hard, I can not forgive my self, guilty feeling is killing me. When I listen to my conversation, I realize how rude, harsh and stupid I talk to her. I want to call her and apologize but can not as her family have history of violence, so I do not want them to bother my mom and sis back home.

I want her back so I can repent on my mistake but she hates me so much that she ignore me everywhere. I know what my problem was and I want to repent on it. I have been asking Allah (s.w.t) for forgiveness and give me one more chance with her. I was married with her with a good intention but i did not live it up to it. She has her fault as well, we just had different understanding. I want to tell her how i realize that I did not give her enough attention while we were in Dubai and Umrah, how I kept blaming her.

Do you believe this happen because I did wazifa? Is there dua to get her back?
There is lot of speculation that 3 talaq is one talaq and somesays it done deal.
May Allah (swt) forgive me for what I have done and help me to reunite with her. I know she is happy as I can check her online status and so forth.
Please everyone help me and pray for me that she contact me so I can make her understand to get her back in my life so I can repent on my mistake with her and we can have wonderful life together. Everyone is telling me to forget her but I have faith in Allah (swt) that she will realize her mistakes as well and contact me soon.
What should I do? Please pray that she talk to me... is there a dua to bring her back?
Some maulvis says that there is something in the current house that we live in as someone did black magic or something that is why no couple can stay in that house, my sis also got divorce when she was living in the same house, my bro and his wife use to fight all the time in that house as well. I know this can not be only the reason but also my behavior also contributed to this talaq, may Allah (Swt) forgive me. May be I gave her so much attention that she did not value me at all.


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12 Responses »

  1. Assalam-o-aliakum
    Brother,first of all come out from the depression, it makes things more complicated,and now accept this that you gave her divorce as you wanted she come back to you.
    so,According to the Noble Quran, Allah Almighty made it clear in Noble Verses 2:229-230 that when a man divorces his wife three times, then he can't remarry her until she had married another man, and got divorced from him.
    iam not a schloar so i advice you to consult an islamic schloar in this regard because there are many obejection to gave 3 time divorce in one sitting.
    Anyhow, another thing is that is it done by wazifa?the answer is no.i think it is only done by lack of understanding between you and her.and the third thing you're still checking her profile or status! it can't give you anything except misery.
    look brother, there are three kind of things in this world.
    (1)that are for us.(so, anybody cannot take them from us)
    (2)that are for others(so, we can't take them)
    (3)these things are for none. they are created by Allah only for our trials/test.
    so,think about it.if you keep calm in this matter & try to accept the thing it will better for you.
    May Allah reduce your worries!
    Hope that helped,
    Allah(S.W.T)knows best, and guides us best.

  2. Salam Mohamad,

    I recommend working on yourself. Unless you yourself change, even if the girl comes back, she's going to do something that is going to make you feel insecure. You're going to get angry because she made you feel insecure and you're going to say a bunch of things that you will regret and won't be able to take back.

    I would say yes, she married you because you could take her to Canada, but you married her because you thought she's really attractive. That's how people get married, it's a market and parents want the best they can get in that market. So her parents probably pushed marriage with you because that's the best they could get in the market. Sure if there was a funny, cool talking, not angry Canadian guy they would've accepted him instead. And your parents, and you, wanted her for her looks. If there was a better looking girl that was crazy about you would be happily marrying her instead and not even posting this question.

    Thinking in these terms of it being a market, your job is to sell yourself and provide a positive impact on that girl's life. That happens, when you try talking to her and try to figure out what interests her. You are forgiving and allow her to make mistakes, you allow her to retain her privacy without getting angry if it's important to her. But if you show up to the marriage asking what she can do for you and then nail her for not doing what you think she should be doing then it's going to be difficult for her. You two barely talked when you were together so there is no connection. You went to Umrah for your honeymoon which didn't leave a lot of time to build a connection.

    One other thing, your feelings may be right. She may have been in love with someone else that didn't offer as much as her parents wanted but she wanted that guy. Or perhaps she married you without her heart in it and you felt that. In which case, let the girl go to be with the guy she wants. Move on and stop worrying about what she's doing and look for someone else.

    In the meantime, please work on your anger, your cool talking skills, watch a bunch of comedies so that you can make some jokes, and read the quran and try to understand it. I hope things work out for you in the future.

  3. Get counseling maybe even medication and prove to her that your changed. I had to get medication for anxiety. My anxiety caused me to get very angry, unable to calm during intense fights, situations.. I'm on Buspar and it helps a lot.

  4. Thanks everyone for your answers, As the days goes by I am realizing she might not come back. I think she is probably in her third menses. There are still those moment where I end up thinking about her because someone look alike her or someone wearing glasses or something similar . And yes because we went to Umrah we did not get enough time to talk and spend time physically. So, i guess every one is right I should have not gone to Umrah but I went to take blessings to start a new life. I went there as whatever you pray as Mecca it get accepted but may be its not true. I think it was because I gave her so much love and attention so she thought she will get everything she will ask for.

    I read so many post here that their husband cheating on them and beat them and so forth and I neither did that nor had any plan to do that.

    I have so many questions for ALLAH (SWT).

    Please keep praying for me and her so we can be both together.

    I am really angry at that guy who came as a witness, I asked "isn't it OK if I just say Talaq twice?" and he said "no". My ex wife father and her were thinking but by that time I end up saying it third time.

    It is really hard for me to move on, I had so much dreams, the best moment of my life and she took me there (Mecca). I can not get the image of her and me walking in Mecca. Only Allah (swt) knows why this all happen, if Allah (swt) hates divorce then why does it happen. Doesn't Allah(Swt) make the saitan stop doing such thing. This is the hardest thing ever, I am as good as a dead. I am waiting for my death to come.

  5. I married her as it is a sunnah of our nabi, I married her because I wanted to stop doing sins, I married her because I wanted to walk on righteous path as it is completing half of your deen. Why ALLAH (swt) did not support me? I have done lots of sins but I stop all that 2 years ago so I waited and waited to get married. I finally did and in just 3 month its all over. All I wanted is to do the righteous thing and start becoming closer to Allah(swt) but in the end I am left with unanswered questions and alone.

    Why Allah(swt) did not made me good enough for her to make her fall in love with me as Allah(swt) is the almighty. Why put us such a test where we are left with nothing in heart, in soul and mind. If I was doing sin by getting married and then Allah (swt) would give me such punishment then I would understand but no I married because It became farz on me, I married because I wanted a peaceful life and close to Allah (swt). I married because every men need a loving wife and children. I married because I know I will never cheat on her and break her heart. Allah (swt) is all mighty then he sure would have been able to change her heart to love me and never leave me. Why would Allah (swt) would give me such a disease that can destroy two lives and two families.

    I have so many questions for ALLAH (SWT).

    Sorry, I am a just a human with a limited power and curiosity. If Adam (peace be upon him) can make mistake so can we. We are just normal people but when we try to do the right thing and Allah (swt) punish us such way that does not make sense.

    • Salam,

      So I read your post on another question and then saw you replied here. To answer some of the questions you have: Allah could've made you such that you would not want women. Then there would be no reason for you to be with someone else and no way for you to find out that others have difficulty living with you. But since Allah made you want them, you have had the opportunity to realize your issues and improve. I would think of this girl that you married and divorce as a wake up call to improve yourself.

      Right now, as you mourn her loss I see you not taking responsibility for your actions and blaming Allah. Allah provided you with an opportunity, where you could do your best, not make assumptions and prove your worth. You got the opportunity, and you were angry, felt insecure, and made assumptions. Instead of fighting the divorce, it is you who divorced her. There were issues with her, in that she may have loved another but again, this would be something you could tell by talking with her early on and finding out that she's not interested. Then no need for pursuing marriage and getting this worked up.

      Now moving forward you can blame Allah, even though Allah gave you this woman and this opportunity or you can be grateful for what you have received. Not everyone has had the opportunity to be married to someone they liked, even if it was for three months. I recommend being grateful, and please try to improve, learn how to talk to women, try to be less angry. Inshallah Allah will provide another opportunity for you to prove yourself. Salam.

      • W Salam M,

        Thank you for your reply back. I have realized my mistake and I have learned my lessons. All I am saying is if Allah hates divorce then why does it happen? Why he could not just made me normal person? I have friends who have wife and still cheat on them. I have learn to control my anger but its too late now.

        Yes, Allah (swt) gave me chance to marry her and I really appreciated because day and night I prayed and thank Allah(swt). I also prayed to take away my anger and made duas that I found online.

        I went to Umrah rather than going to other honeymoon destination because I respected my wife and I did not marry her just for sex, I went there because I believe in Allah (swt) and makkah, because I wanted to strengthen our relationship in marriage. Because I believed once I go there and pray we will be inseparable because Allah (swt) blessings will be upon us. I believed strongly.

        Yes, I had chance to improve while I was with her. But Allah (swt) has ways to make things with a snap of a finger so why he could not help me to control my anger and send his blessing upon me.

        Now, I do not have no strength to fight back. I do not believe in myself, I do not want to see any dreams. May be this means I do not deserve to be married and have kids as I always wanted.

        Allah Hafiz

        • Salam Mohammad,

          Allah is in charge of everything but he allows us to be in charge to try us and see how we will behave:

          Sahih International: Then We made you successors in the land after them so that We may observe how you will do.

          So you can't blame Allah for every mistake that you do. You are responsible for your own actions and your own intentions. You are the one who divorced her. Allah did not make you do it, it is you who did it. You can't blame Allah for making you a certain way. Allah has placed both good and evil in everyone. We are supposed to purify the evil. You cannot ask Allah to snap his fingers and remove it, this is part of the test to see if you will remove it. And you are under a test.

          There are people that do not rely on Allah and do not pray which is an extreme. There are others that pray and do not do anything themselves and this is another extreme and this is where you were at during that Umrah. You want to be in the middle, put forth your effort and also rely on Allah. Allah fulfilled your prayer, you were married to her. Then it is time to fulfill her rights and spend time with her. Build that relationship and go to the honeymoon so that you two can bond. You cannot take your new wife, who barely knows you, on a trip where neither she nor the relationship is a priority. You cannot pray for your relationship to get better when she is right there and you are ignoring her to pray for it.

          Also, you need to work on your anger, not just pray for it to be removed immediately. Please remember that it's both your effort and prayer. It is not just your effort and ignoring Allah, nor is it ignoring your responsibilities and praying to Allah.

          Many of the answers you seek will come from reading the Quran with understanding. Allah dislikes divorce but he dislikes oppression more. I think once you have a better understanding you will not over rely on Allah and blame Allah for your actions. Nor over rely on yourself and not pray. Currently the way you're handling this event you are blaming Allah and it will move you away from Islam.

          Anyway is any of this helping you or is it making things worse for you?

  6. Salam M,

    I have been listening to Quran with Urdu translation, I am on Forth para (The Women). As I am listening and going to hadeeths, it is almost like everything is conflict. For Example,

    3 Talaq at one sitting, there is no way in Quran says that 3 Talaq at once is one or all 3 (irrevocable), however up until 2-3 years of hazrat Umar khilafat of Giving three talaq at once was considered one but it was change after 2-3 years to count as irrevocable. So, which one should we believe Quran (which is Allah (Swt) words or a human being who changed it because people misuse it?)

    Allah (swt) will test you but if you pray with full heart and good intention, I will give it to you, so that is what I did.

    So, you are telling me I did wrong in believing in Allah(Swt) and taking her to Umrah. Yes, we are responsible of our actions but we all make mistakes, and that is why we pray to Allah (Swt) to ask for his forginess and help us build ourself better. And that is exactly what I did when I was going to anger problem, I did not only pray to Allah (swt) but I was also working on my self. It did not work though.

    I am not blaming Allah(swt), I am questioning. Questioning, me and My ex wife tried to work our relationship so and we both prayed then why I did not work? As Allah(swt) said if you two want to reconcile then Allah (Swt) will send mercy to make it happen.

    In surah The Women, Allah (swt) says, if you fear zina marry the slaves but doesn't Allah(swt) knew in coming years there will no slave women. Every person decree is written 50,000 years before he is born, so is this what Allah(swt) write for me and others that are divorce and suffering. Like those innocent children who are caught between wars and left without parents. What are their sins?

    Allah(Swt) does not give burn to any soul that it can not handle but my soul is as good as dead now. I believed once I will get marry and I will never have to worry much about zina and will live life according to Islam.

    Allah(swt) told Maryam ( radi allahu anhu) when she became pregnant and she said, I have never been with any men how is this possible and Allah(swt) said that this is how I do things, I say "happen and it happens". So, Allah (swt) could have done same with me and others who marry for the sake of Allah (Swt). Allah (Swt) could have send his blessing and don't let us be apart.

    As a human and since there are no miracle like in prophet days, I am just questioning as I am learning more and more, there are more questions arising.

    If I had done sins by marrying and trying to follow sunnah of our nabi (peace be upon him), and if it was sin to take her to Umrah then yes I would yesterday why I get separated. But I did the righetous part and follow the sunnah then where is the blessings? Where is the help? Day and night I prayed because as nabi (peace be upon him) said whoever ask sincerely in the last third of night his prayers are accepted.

    I do not want to do zina so I will be moving to rain forest of Amazon or travel the world and probably die there. May be this is what is written.

    Allah Hafiz,

    • Assallmu Alaikum ...don't be upset n hopeless from The Mercy of Allah ...He is Kareem..He is Ar-Rahman...70 times more kind than our mother's how could you think Allah Wishes bad to his creatures is the bad things happen to us when we are children because of the mistakes n wrong decisions taken by our parents ..but as adults ...the bad decisions we commit are causing the wrong misconceptions n decision a we make ....there is a group of Muslims .. the Salafis and Ahle-hadith ...they too follow Quran n Sunnat if our beloved prophet (s.a.w.) these sects of muslims do not accept 3Twallaq at one setting ...first twallaq has to be issued ...even if you uttered it more than 3times's counted as 1 ..and then you wait for idda of 3menstrual periods ..if you didn't reconcile with her ..during this time ..n declared a 2md time's counted as 2 ...if you reconcile ...then it's resolved to be be United with it spouse ..your Halal for each other ....and similarly till 3proclamation of twallaq at 3 different events separated by gap of at least 3months should be uttered to say Twallaq is done irreversible ...until the wife marries n is divorced by her 2md husbnd after consummation of their Nikah ..then only can the wife be remarried by the 1st ...anyway ...that was explaining in detail a little about twallaq in salafi/Ahle-hadith /n even Shafee madhabs. .but above all you should never think you went to took a firm decision to be pious ...n why this happened to you ...Allah wishes we come closer to him even more than we adore the Dunya ...we should Love Allah n to please him more ...but ofcoz this doesn't mean why this is that happened a little bit as went to be suspicious about your wife too..which is not correct ..n you also started getting impatient ...learn to be patient n practise to call your self n gain self confidence n study religion more from learning more of Hadith n Quran with meanings ...but To study Hadith/Sunnah of Rasoolullah (s.a.w.) is important as it is rather a practical way of explainning how to live all aspects of life ....if i said anything wrong ..plz forgive me brother ...and May Allah forgive me too ..if I spoke in exageration or hurt anyone ...

    • Salam Mohamad,

      I'll try to answer your questions:

      1) I believe saying divorce three times counts as one. The Quran has a procedure in place after you first say divorce, for you to divorce her three times you would have to be married to her three times. I don't think you can just say divorce three times and have it count as three when you were only married to her once. If this was true, then you could divorce her once, she could get married and then you'd show up to her wedding and divorce her two more times and that makes no sense.

      2) This statement: "Allah (swt) will test you but if you pray with full heart and good intention, I will give it to you, so that is what I did." does not make sense. This is because when you pray you pray with limited knowledge and you could be praying for something bad for you. And the opposite exists in the Quran:
      Sahih International
      Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.
      Sahih International
      And man supplicates for evil as he supplicates for good, and man is ever hasty.

      3) I'm not saying you did wrong by believing in Allah. I'm saying that taking a new wife, who is effectively a stranger, to a place that is meant for worship will not build a relationship with that wife. You should be spending time with her to build it, not taking her to a place that you have to give your time to something else and ignore her. And if you're ignoring her to worship and ask that the relationship get built, then you're just not doing your part.

      4) I don't think your wife prayed that your relationship would work, I think only you did. Since the beginning of the marriage you say she showed no interest in married life with you, said no one knows what's in her heart, and the marriage ended when she would not unlock her phone. So it sounds like she was forced into this marriage because a Canadian proposal was awesome. If anything it's probable that she prayed to be with the man she loved, her guy prayed for that too, and only you prayed that she be with you. Whose prayer should've been answered? Hers and her lover's or yours?

      5) Slaves are present in this life as well. There are many in Iraq and other countries. If you cannot control your desires and are forced to move to the Amazon to die you could start by looking into slaves now and marry one. I can tell you that a relationship entered on the basis of fulfilling your lust has a high chance of failure. Just as you should've backed out of this marriage when you noticed that she had no interest, marrying a slave would be worse.

      6) You cannot impose your will on Allah and assume you will be granted through prayer what you think is good because you prayed a lot. And just because you would like to be granted a perfect marriage with whom you choose does not mean it will be granted to you. Especially not in this life where everything is meant to end. Would you not later question why Allah caused her to die later? And if not that, why Allah caused you to die and her to marry someone else after your death?

      In my opinion, you should've cancelled the marriage with this girl when you found she had no interest. If she refused to unlock her phone you should've discussed the matter about trust with her and asked her if there is someone else. Just her saying that no one knows what's in a girl's heart is enough for you to ask if she loves someone else. A wife that is interested in you would like you to know that they have feelings for you and will not say something like that. And she will talk about her future. It sounds like this girl was praying for the marriage to not take place or was forced into it. In such a situation you should've divorced her with kindness and returned with good, helping her with her issues. You did the right thing by divorcing her, just in the wrong way. I don't think what happened was a bad thing, but you are missing her even though the marriage shouldn't have occurred.

      Please continue reading the Quran with an open mind and fear hellfire as it is eternal. I think this will help you understand and if your read every day, then in a year or two I expect you will see a change. Good luck. Salam.

  7. Salam Hasina and M,

    Thank you for replying and may Allah (Swt) bless you both. I understand exactly what you guys saying. It is just that I have been wanting to get married for last 4 years. Last year I got engaged and that broke in just week so this year I was like finally I got married and now I can have my own family and life, so I was excited and definitely happy so I took her to Makkah. I just wanted everything perfect and yes I lost patient because I never saw love in her eyes for me. May be because I could not win her heart.

    Before phone thing, lot of other things happen and it was all because my anger, I just pray I can talk to her and apologize to her and may be just may be insha Allah (Swt) we can reconcile our marriage.

    And I have been searching online for 3 talaq at once, most scholar says if you say 3 talaq at once it become irrevocable.

    So, I guess everyone is right I should have not took her to Makkah. But it was meant to be so it happen, I guess.

    Only Allah(swt) knows what is best and what is ahead for me.

    Thank You all again and May Allah (Swt) send his mercy upon all of us and reconcile broken families,

    Allah hafiz

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