Wife has relations with other men, what do I do?
Extra-marital affairs
Assalam-O-Alaikum, I hope everyone will be fine,
I am writing this when i am in so much painful situation, We are muslim, our marriage was love+arrange and 5 and half years before we married and we have 2 daughters one 2 and half years old and other one 4 years old, in start everything was well after 3 years of marriage i knew my wife has a friend who was her class mate in university and now he is asking her that he want to marry her and she should to marry him even he knows she is married and she has kids.
I asked her change her email ids and phone number and promise me she will not talk to him again, and for me she did it but after may be 1 and half month she told me that forgive me because i hid something from you that i met this person few days before i said why you met him and where she said he asked me that he want to meet just for 2 minutes and he came to her mother house when she went for visit her family and just for 2 minutes she met him on the gate.
I got angry but because she told me by herself so i forgive her and i said promise me you will not do this again because i can not accept it she promised and i forget because i thought she finish with him, later on after one year i knew she has one other friend and by chance i saw some massages in her mobile which was in the nights and it was not very bad but also not good, i asked her who is this person. First, she said she don't know him and later when i told her i saw the massages she said he is just friend, i was not feeling well i was in so much pain and crying because it is so much shameful i asked her.
I am going to tell your family and also i am going to divorce you and i will not give you the kids also she also cried and said sorry please forgive me i promise you i will never talk to him again, i suffered with pain of feeling shame that why she don't respect me but i forgive her and became normal with her after 2 months she introduced me to someone that he is good person and he is helping me in few issues i said ok but when i saw this person is giving my wife some extra importance whenever she calls he is coming and doing things for her my heart start beating fast and was feeling unsecure
i said i will check so i went to ask for the detailed bill of her mobile phone because that number she was using was on my name, when i got the bill for 3 previous months and checked i was amazed because she is talking to the person i asked her not to talk and she promised me and we just talk that if i found she will talk to same person then this is deal between us the i will take my kids and i will go away from her and i will leave her
she agreed that time now what i saw that she is continue talking to that guy in the mid of the nights 2 hours some times 1 and half hour like call started at 1 'o clock in the night and finished 3 'o clock (She is working in organization and she was living for some time in other city due to job and my job in other city but she was coming every 15 days or 20 days and i allowed her to work because this was her wish to work).
I also found that she has so much comincation with other guy she introduce me what i knew that every day she has text massages with this person some times 150 sms per day some times 130 means daily more than hundred sms and later on i knew this person was same guy who was asking her for marriage means what
I knew that she told me about both of them she will not talk but in actual she was having so much relation with them i became so angry and was just crying all the nights was reading Quran so much so i can breath well because it is so painful when you know that your wife is cheating over you and she don't respect you at all and she has affairs with guys its so much painful even in pray my tears was not stoping because i did so much effort you can say extra effort to make her happy and give her what she needs because i loved her a lot so i didn't tell her that i knew everything about her just one day before her coming i called her and asked her that if you love me and if you love your kids then you have swear (Qasam) of Allah and me and your kids that from this minutes you will not talk to this person because i don't like him she said ok she will not talk to him any more.
The next day when she came she is showing me his massage that see what he is writing when i saw this massage he sent the day when she came and writing that you are my sister and why you are not picking up my phone and i want to marry you friend (xyz) and she deleted all the massages till yesterday only this massage was there then i knew she called him and asked him to send her massage like this, and also she asked me she want to go other one Europe country because she has interview call for some good job she insist me to allow her that time I didn't know about all these things.
I allowed her because i know she love to travel and see new places and countries so i said to myself i will not send her for job but let her to go and see this place because i was having so much trust on her later on when i knew about all these things i also saw her some pictures she is wearing dress with open arms full and all her legs open and she went with one guy to night club i was just amazed that how she can do this behind my back i am giving her permission giving her money to go and see places and how i can believe that the lady who is wearing hijab and she will go and do these things with my money.
it is so much painfull and i can't understand why she don't respect me and when i showed her the bills and pictures then she agreed that yes she did but she said i was stupid please forgive me and now whatever you will say i will do before i was teling her to leave the job but she was refusing and teling me that now only small time her transfer to the same city where we live is under process but after this she even agree to leave the job and later on i told to her one brother and mother also this all and they talk to her also to make her feel shamefull for what she did,
i just want to know that what was my mistake to trust her so much, to love her so much, to make her happy or what so she did to me this all and the thing is killing me that i am her husband why she don't even small respect me i am the father of her kids, when i gave her swear (Qasam) for Allah for her kids for me but still she didn't stop to talk and asked him to send her massage my question is that why she is not scary from Allah why she don't respect her kids and her own family her father she make shameful to all of us why why why.
I will never forgive her in front of Allah for what she gave me pain i am suffering from but now i want to divorce her but the kids they will suffer so much this thing is not allowing me to divorce her but i am all the time feeling so much pain can not smile can not sleep well always have headache. i don't know what to do.
i am requesting all of my brothers and sisters reading my post to please advice me in the light of islam what i need to do and how i can feel better.~ man124
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Brother after reading your story the thing i know that you truly love her and thats why you are double minded but your wife is playing with you and your money. You should divorce her as far as childeren concern let suppose if she die then what you will do. So its better to be live like a shameful life give her divorce and live happy life.
Bye
I am very sorry for your situation friend, it is a terrible way to live your life under a cloud of betrayal and suspicion. I would say to you to make her choose. She must give up job,phone, this man. She must earn your respect and love and live properly as your wife. She should respect your marriage, you, and your children. OR you will divorce her and get on with your life and forget her. Your children will survive with the love of a good father to guide them through. In time you may find a good wife worthy to be your childrens mother.
Hope this helps you friend. I am christian but I will pray for peace in your heart brother.
mark.
As Salamu Alaikum brother,
I am sorry to hear your story. Know it is not your fault if you trusted her. Trust is a quality. It is not your fault if she chooses to go astray. Betrayal hurts and unfortunately the partner who is emotionally involved with other people does not get that.
I understand you are grieving. That is normal and I know that when someone we love betrays us we hurt more.Acknowledge your pain but please you need to move on.
From your post, I understand, you talked to your wife and warned her. You did your job. If she wants to repent, you can give her a chance but she has to do the job: do whatever it takes to win your trust. If you choose not to forgive her, it is your choice and do not feel guilty about it at all. At the end of the day everyone has to live with the consequences of their actions.
As far as shame, do not bit up yourself. You did nothing wrong when you trusted her. There is no shame on you. You are blessed with 2 kids, be strong and put their best interest in mind and move on. Allah will help you get through this.
May Allah ease your pain and bring peace in your heart.
Reader
Dear brother ,I'm very sorry for your pain,your wife has strayed so far from Islam that it seems she is totally lost,can you 2 go for Islamic counciling together,start getting more involved in Musjid?I would advise divorce in this case but,dear brother mashallah u love her soooo much,I want to see if you can work things out ,Islamic counciling is really amazing !
So sorry brother after reading your story my eyes became watery. I am a women also now I am feeling so ashamed that we some women so bad horrible. Now I believe that why Allah said we more women will go hell.
Bukhari :: Book 8 :: Volume 76 :: Hadith 456
Narrated 'Imran bin Husain:
The Prophet said, "I looked into Paradise and found that the majority of its dwellers were the poor people, and I looked into the (hell) Fire and found that the majority of its dwellers were women.
Muslim :: Book 1 : Hadith 142
It is narrated on the authority of 'Abdullah b. Umar that the Messenger of Allah observed: O womenfolk, you should give charity and ask much forgiveness for I saw you in bulk amongst the dwellers of hell. A wise lady among them said: Why is it, Messenger of Allah, that our folk is in bulk in hell? Upon this the Holy Prophet observed: "You curse too much and are ungrateful to your spouses", I have seen none lacking in common sense and failing in religion but (at the same time) robbing the wisdom of the wise, besides you. Upon this the woman remarked: What is wrong with our common sense and with religion? He (the Holy Prophet) observed: Your lack of common sense (can be well judged from the fact) that the evidence of two women is equal to one man, that is a proof of the lack of common sense, and you spend some nights (and days) in which you do not offer prayer and in the month of Ramadan (during the days) you do not observe fast, that is a failing in religion. This hadith has been narrated on the authority of Abu Tahir with this chain of transmitters.
Brother leave this women I am sure you won't like to rais your daughters under this kind if character women. Daughters always follow their mother trust me. When they will be mature to understand between right or wrong then they will blame you ask lots of question which will be very painful to make them understand. But if the character is good then no worries but in your situation I suggest you to leave this women. It will be very hard I know but it will be good for your daughters and their future.
You know parents have to face for their children activities in hereafter in front of Allah.
You lived with your wife,loved her did fulfill all her desire wishes, fulfill your responsibility towards your family also you TRUSTED her but unfortunately she didn't realize or feel your love your careness.
Allah is happy with you trust me I feel. Do not let your children or your life ruin anymore. I am sure allah has something better for you and your children.
May Allah bless you and showers Allah's blessing to your daughters. I will pray from the bottom from my heart that your daughter turn like you. You three deserve bless.
Salaam brother,
Reading first few paragraph I was hoping you would write something like she's stopped all of this BUT it kept going on and on! It's clear this woman likes to have male attention on her other than her husband it's disgusting brother I am feeling so sad that you had to go through all of this! And also so angry because how can a woman forget woman a mother a wife do all these things whilst having a loving husband and kids I guess some people are selfish and don't apriciate what they have!
How do you know she hasn't done anything physical if she can hide and lie so much I wouldn't put it past her.
I honestly think you should leave this woman she has no respect for you,
You deserve someone better whom shall stay faithful to you at all times and doesn't have contact with non mahrams!
Goodluck do keep us updated I pray Allah helps you in this time in need and you meet the right woman
Sorry the first line is "no man can share the love of her wife with anyone
Salaam brother,
I think you should sit down with her tell her everything.
Tell her its really the LAST warning after that you WILL divorce her.
If she does not stop then its better to seperate for a while is she still does not stop then divorce?
I know you can not just divorce because you got kids.
Brother.....leave her n be with ur kids...the reason is u cannot carry that pain for ur entire life its better to carry pain of seperation for sometime rather than betrayal ...there r many childrens who survive without mother or father ...i lost my father when i was just 6 months ..did the world end for me n my mom ???....no....you have not seen future my friend ...just get rid of that lady ...she will know whats life after u leave her ...best of luck
Brother,
May the blessed month of Ramadan be upon you. When a man and woman are joined in marriage, they belong to each other so to speak. For your wife to go behind your back and have communication the way she is with a non mahram just makes me angry and sad for you. It is one thing for you to want to keep your marriage in tact...it is entirely another for her to use you and make a fool out of you.
Your wife plays you like a violin and you have unwittingly allowed her. Stop. No one...man or woman should have their heart stepped on and treated in such an uncaring manner. Trust is huge in any relationship and how you are able to trust her after all she has put you through is beyond me. Stand up and stop allowing your wife to behave in a manner that she herself would not accept of you. You deserve better and if anyone hasn't told you that yet...I will. Best of luck to you, I pray things get better for all of you.
Salam
Suspicion
Hurairah that the Messenger Muhammad
(saw) said: “Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst
of false tales. Do not look for others faults, do not spy on
one another, do not practice najash (biding over one another), do not be jealous of one another, do not hate one another and do not desert or stop talking to one another. O
Allah’s worshippers, be brothers”.
Seriously your advising him to beat is wife
asghfriullah
a persons wife is not his property
violence will harm then good
i mean what if it were Vice Verca
there are muslim brothers who do the same but when sisters read posts like this about sisters coming on here giving advice like that no.
despite what i said her behavior is unjustifiable and she should repent sincerely.
Okay I'm gonna give 2 sides.
1. If she did have physical relations with these men. Then she needs to do Tawba.
2. It takes a lot of guts for someone to go behind the person he/she is married
to a cheat. so you need to investigate it properly and have one last chat with her
if you continue to have doubts in your mind then you should talk about divorce proceeding.
Ayesha r.a was accused once but the prophet investigated and found out that it was all false
and in the end those who accused her of such a disgusting act were punished.
if it clear to you that she is being disrespectful then you should talk to her once more and talk divorce proceeding.
no one is forcing you to be with her just depart from her .
Think of your pain and angst right now. Would you rather your children have to live with both of you suffering through this marriage? Divorce her and you can both move on with your lives. Maybe in the future you can salvage a relationship where the children can be visited by their mother and you can find a better woman for yourself and them. Good luck to you.
Brother if I would have been you, I would not prefer such a mother to raise my daughters.
asalam alikom brother do not wait one more minut with her divorce is the best option for you because honestlly she doesnt diserv you get a rid of her and look for another practising sister who fears allah from heart im sure allah will help you
Salaam
What i would say is dont divorce her because as you love her so much and even you have kids try to sit with her and spend most of the time explaining her that you love her so much and you both have kids and when kids come to know about what she is doing how will they react and what they will think about her. Try going out together with your kids dont let her be alone because when a person sits alone or spends time alone many thoughts come in to ones mind and they feel to spend time by talking to someone or doing something else, about the friend who wants to marry her explain her she is already married and how will any guy accpet a maried women after few months he wil leave her. Try to ask her to pray and read quran if she doesnt and as the time passes she will realize what she is doing is wrong and will end up with loosing such a lovable husband and kids. Dont divorce her have patience and help her come out of this fantasy world which she is leaving in and you will be rewarded by Allah of your patience and everything will return as before IN SHA ALLAH.
I don't think that this brother need to be patient any more he is already Being patient enough as a man. He did explain to his wife but she didn't bother to understand at this stage I don't think love will work maybe if brother talks about divorce maybe she become afraid but I doubt. She is surrounded by lies it's not so easy to recover her character. Character is something you can compare with blood. It's inside the blood and it's hard to recover but if somebody is sincere then it will work but his wife is not like that. The biggest mistake his wife doing is. Cheating with her husband and kids specially they have 2 daughter big responsibility. We can say things easily I know but the person is facing it's so difficult for him to decide.
salam brother,
your situation made me cry, the fact you really do love this women so much yet she is so ignorant to your love for her. Brother i suggest you sit her down and talk to her about ecerything and how her act is wrong, make her realise that what she is doing is completely wrong in the eyes of Allah and within your marriage. she clearly doesn't realise the mistake in what she is still doing, make her chose the final path she decides to take, if she is not sincere leave her brother this women doesnt deserve you niether do your children they need a mother whom they can trust and have as a good role model. Brother you gave her a chance i admire that in the month of Ramadan if she still doesnt change her behaviour, maybe you should leave her for good Brother, not divorce her because one only realises what they have lost when they have lost it, she may return to you when she realises her mistake and repent, dont give up yet brother im talking from experience people can change brother, i will pray for you and that all works out Insha Allah.
Marsallah your such a sweet man from giving her chances over chances honestly from reading your post you gave your wife to much freedom sometimes love isn't enough you have to leave this women and take your kids , it seems like she will not change at all you poor man I feel terrible for you, I'm so superise by you forgiving her over and over again, honestly if that was me my hundband would have throw me out like a dog and keep my kid without even thinking twice, if she loves and respect you she shouldn't talk to other man when she has a nice man like you at home. Again I'm sorry to hear that Allah be with you insallah.
Dear Brother,
I think, you also have some mistakes in this sitautaion because if you already know she like to talk with others male friends than you should not allow her to do the job and travel to other countries. First You take a action and stop her to go outside the house anywhere even in the market. once she start following you and you think she is not talking with any male friend even on the phone. but if she still doing the bad things, you better give her divorce.
Regards,
Danial
dont trust her anymore she is playing with you, she knows you love her, that is why she abuses you, take a stand for yourself and kids, if she is like this , what makes you think she wont leave the kids alone to party and go see these men? then what will you do? Good Luck may allah bless you and give you strength and courage through this painful situation
Sit her family & your family down & show them everything you've seen & tell them you've given her chances but she isn't listening..make your conditions clear if you want to give her another chance infront of witnesses - write them down & have signatures of your wife (if she chooses to be with u) & signatures of witnesses... remember you are your wifes mahram therefore you should travel with her when she wants to visit countries....isllamically you should provide for her she doesn't have to work especially if he's misusing this... now as a husband it's your duty to meet her sexual needs... Are you making effort to keep her attracted to you? Take extra care in your hygiene/ dress/ aftershave.. Are you romantic towards your wife? do you surprise her with flowers or gifts every now &
Then? May be
You should write love letters to her every now &
Then...how often do u
& your wife go out with out the kids?
There seems to be a cycle of you forgiving your wifes mistakes &
Your wife repeating her mistakes ..you are not making your grounds clear & sticking with them is the reason why
Your wife knows it's
Okay to carry on as she
Knows
You'll forgive her.
Brother we see your side of the story so
naturally we have sympathy for you but you now deep
Down how you let your marriage down from your side aswell .. Rectify your mistakes too... You've presented yourself as though your the victim... stop feeling sorry for yourself & be strong
Your children need the mother & father ..if your wifes cheating on you or you have disputes with her doesn't mean you take your children away from ther mother unless she refuses to take parental responsibility with her own will ... pls don't drag your children into this.. Pls don't use your children to your advantage look at ther best interest of them..goodluck
& I pray that Allah protects your daughters from all harm: evil & negativity (Amin) wsalam
Salam ! jiust dont let her use mobile phone ; make her quit her job ; and she should stay at home ; if u leave her , it would imprint a bad effect on kids mind ; so just be with her but keep her under strict observation ; that should be fine and she'll quit in sometime ; Blessings
Asalamualikum wa Rehmathullahi wa Berakathuhu
In islam if a husband /wife is cheating in the sense illegal intercourse. then their punishment is stoning them to death .. if they are not married and if they do illegal intercourse then their punishment is lashes .. but for a married person tawba will not be enough their tawba is not gonna get accepted .. but if a husband/wife has doubt that they are being cheated then there must be a solid proof and in islam the proof of intercourse is eye witness 4 men should see their intercourse ..and in case of women 8 women should witness their intercourse this is the only proof in islam rest all proofs like messeges, phone calls ,mails, letters are not valid in islam... without eye witness you cant blame them and if you coudnt not find any witnessess then you can continue with them .. but if they have done this severe sin and their husband/wife are not aware of it ... then remember Allah Subhanatallah is not blind he is aware of evrything and surely he has kept a severe punishment for you .... betrayel in marriage is severe and its punishment is also severe
May Allah Subhanatalla guide Ummathi Muhammad (saw) on the right path Ameen ya Allah
I have the same experince with yours, I discovered that my wife was having an affair with some one else by reading messages in her mobile phone, I talk to her about the messages but she denied them, She told me that its not for her and mis- sent. I believed her defense even if she erased the messages and destroyed the simcard. I recovered from my trauma for almost 1 year, but I discovered that indeed she is involved with that man by tracing her phone calls which appeared in the call log of her mobile phone, again she stick for her denial. I tried to forgive her because of our children and lack of the required evidence in Islam.
I agree with brother Zoroo, Allah is there and aware of everything. my only weapon is to pray that if indeed that man tried to destroy my Family Allah will punish him in this dunya and akhirat for the suffering he caused to me.
ameen.
Have sabr my brother, Allah will give us Justice. Inshaa Allah I forgave my wife for denying what I discovered even if is painful to accept. I left everything to Allah. but for that man If he realy did it for my wife Allah is just, I can not fogive him because he did not ask for my forgiveness because naturally he will not.
Brother Madloom, your story is shocking, really. I never thought that it is happening to others too.
I have a similar situation but I can not open it with my wife, but my observation is she is not in-love with me and may be she is pressured to live with me because we have children.
I considered my self as a weak person because I can not open the topic with her, or am just in-love with her that is why am keeping this painful feelings inside.
I hope somebody here can advice too what to do.
Boundaries are easy to maintain if the opposite party is also keen and are decent , your wife has fallen in some confusion regarding boundaries , we need people to constantly remind us at times good and bad things especially colleagues and seniors , family people with experience in life ,we learn from their behaviour and how they deal with things . mostly every person experiences same things in a given situation , housewives have their own experiences /situations to tackle working people have their own. Why don't you migrate for some time to an Islamic country like Saudi or some decent country like India .