Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Stubborn wife heading towards divorce.

woman talking to someone on phone

I am a well educated Pakistani guy living in Europe for the last 10 years. My wife and I are distant relatives, come from similar backgrounds and have been married for the last two years. We have no kids.

The Beginning:

In the beginning my wife like many girls was not skilled at usual home making skills and I supported her thinking that she is young and new to this role and therefore, it is natural for her to take some time. But as the months progressed, I noticed that
she has no interest in being a home maker, no interest in listening to me sympathetically and intentionally tries to defy me.

Whenever, I expressed a wish for something to eat, how I like her to sometimes dress up in traditional clothes or something similar, instead of listening sympathetically she started to ridicule me and told me that my ideas are backwards.

She used to prolong trivial arguments over days just to have the last word. And was habitually rude to me by hanging up the phone on me or putting on ear phones with loud music on her ipod when I am talking to her.  On top of it she had no desire to build a courteous relationship with my family. She used to ridicule them for no reason just tease me by pointing out their weaknesses. Whenever, they used to call her she sat with a constipated face and barely took part in any conversation continuously playing on her phone.

When it came to life style, vacations, shopping she wanted the whole world, designer watches, perfumes, latest gadgets, luxury  vacations. I do not have problem with her enjoying her life but her attitude was very unappreciative and without much desire to reciprocate.

Her usual routine was to stay in bed while I get ready for work, no intention to help me or prepare breakfast.  And when I asked her to do something did it with a frown on her face. Spending all day watching videos and chatting with her mother and sister.

A couple of times she also denied my rights to company even when I told her the Islamic teachings on this subject but she turned the other side and went to sleep. I am a reasonable person and can understand a person may not be in the mood or may have other problems but the way she responded it was very humiliating.

A few weeks into our marriage, I noticed a guy making objectionable comments on her photos, and I asked her who is this guy. She told me that he him knows him from school and is much younger to her (2 - 3 years). I found the comments to be in bad taste and I asked her to remove all guy friends except her family members from her facebook. She agreed but after a few weeks I saw some unknown person making comments on her posts yet again. When I asked her about him, I discovered that she was trying to deceive me by not removing all the guys. I felt betrayed.

I tried time and again to sit with her and politely to make her understand that how her behavior is affecting us as a family. And it is absolutely fine if he has a different opinion on things or likes and dislikes but she has no right to snap at me and she needs to learn to be a good wife by attending to the needs of her husband and by being kind to his family.

In short she regularly acted like a spoiled brat  as if she does not even know how a good Muslim wife should behave towards her
husband.  After 9 months of trying to make her understand, I got fed up with her rudeness and called her mother to complain. After the call she corrected her ways for a week or two but went back to her habits. I called her mother 4 times very politely trying to explain the situation but the result was the same.


Her Family


I come from from middle class background but now well established whereas her family has limited resources, father does not work and is basically a stay at home dad and her mother is the main bread winner for the family. I being the gentleman insisted on not taking any dowry and never tried to make them feel inferior whereas they have a huge inferiority complex. I hoped that my wife would start to own my home as her own and would come out of this complex but sadly it didn't work.

After a year of our marriage we planned a trip to Pakistan. I thoughtfully bought gifts for her family and tried to accommodate whatever items her sisters and mother wished like my own family but she showed little interest in helping me find gifts for my family, saying "I am taking too long to decide" and went on finding stuff for her self. I planned enough time for her to spend with her family and gave her amply money to enjoy with her family.

I came back after 4 weeks where as she stayed with her family for another 4 weeks. I asked her that please come to my home in Pakistan for the last 2-3 day so that you can spend a few days with them as well before coming to me in Europe. She agreed. On the very last day, I discovered that she has refused as I asked her to do. I complained to her mother but her mother also started to be rude with me saying that i am her mother and you cannot tell me what to do. I told her that i respect that you are her mother but you cannot encourage your daughter to go against her husband but her mother continued to be rude with me and my family.

We came back to Europe but her Mother and I stopped being on talking terms. In the mean time her mother poisoned my wife even more telling her that I am illogical and mental. My wife sided with her mother. My wife put passwords on all her accounts and I could see her chatting with her family all the time. One day, I got hold of her phone and read some of her conversation.
It was shocking, filled with abusive words for my family and her sister  suggesting her that why doesn't she run away with a European guy, her mother also mentioning some unrelated guy to her saying "he hasn't forgotten you either" etc. I confronted her but instead of apologizing she said it was a joke and blamed me for reading her messages.

This time, I sent a message to her dad and told him about the messages  but he did not respond to my message. In the meantime her mother started a smear campaign in the family against me saying all sorts of untrue things to my parents and family. They were doing this all behind my back. I asked my wife, if she knew about the smear campaign her family is running. i told her that we need to be honest with each other if this relationship is to work. She  lied and did not give me a straight answer. In the meantime, she continued to tell her parents lies to win their sympathies. Even the good things that I did were depicted as if I am an evil person.For example, I took my wife to a weeks vacation in Switzerland and she lied to her parents that i forced her to go whereas during the week she was jumping from one place to another with excitement.


Threatening to leave


One fine day I got back from work and she was all packed up to leave. I was so shocked and keeping in mind that Nikkah is not child's play and tried to make her understand by being even more affectionate. My father also tried to make my wife understand but she also misbehaved with him and used crude language with him. Her mother's brother also, started to send me threatening messages with language like "I will make you piss you pants". I complained to her father that this is not the language but he also threatened me of dire consequences.

In the subsequent weeks, her rudeness continued to be the same but she took my stopping her as a sign of weakness and got so emboldened that she threatened to call the police and file a fake domestic abuse case against me whenever, I asked her anything. She just wanted to have all the perks she but wanted me to be contented at whatever I get. For everything she had a tit for tat response. For example, if I dont take her out she teased me by saying "I don't want to have kids with you" or "I will turn kids against you".  I actually considered if she is bi-polar but her behavior was more shrewd and manipulative. So much so that she even refused to cook any food on Eid day. The next day from Eid we had another fight and she called her father and told me that his father is sending the ticket and she doesn't want to live in this hell hole. I said ok if that is what she wishes. The next day she came to me trying to reconcile. I usually do not turn down if some one is trying to reconcile so I accepted her apology and took her to dinner. She said that her father has bought the ticket by borrowing money from the same abusive uncle and he cannot afford it therefore I out of her love should pay them the ticket money. I said ok then you have promise me to be a good wife towards me and my family and I will help out your parents in a few weeks. The next morning she came crying to me that there is fight going on in her home on this ticket money, therefore, I should pay the money now otherwise, she will go in the city and beg for money. I said you first hold your end of the bargain by being nice to me and my family but she never followed through.

When I tried to cut down our outing and perks, she wrote a large letter and told me that she doesn't feel loved and I should buy her a ticket to Pakistan and divorce her. I asked her what is wrong with you, there is no violence, I dont drink, do not have an extra marital affair all that I ask is to take care of your husband as per Islam and try to be nice with my family. Whenever, I mention Islam, she says it is not the duty of the wife to cook for the husband and take care of her in laws. But she does not understand the teachings on displeasing the husband. And all I ask is a courtesy to me and my family and being polite.

Now she is accusing me of abusing his family and claims that I used to give her threats to divorce her. Is it wrong of me to warn
her after months of irresponsible behavior and tantrums that she should correct her ways otherwise, divorce is a real possibility?
and to question her upbringing in the light of her attitude?



After yet another few weeks, I decided that we should go to Pakistan and sort it out face to face in the family. She refused to go to Pakistan saying that I wont go to Pakistan, you can go. After much effort, the extended family persuaded her to come to Pakistan she reluctantly agreed. I paid for the flight, gave her pocket money for the trip and told her she should first come to my home in Pakistan, stay there for a 1-2 days and then she can go her parents place. I will come in a month and she should think it through. My brother was there to pick her up and take her to my home but her father picked her up from the airport and she didnot even care to inform me that she has reached safely.  Blocked me from facebook and also took valuable gadgets from my home over here. I am also now learning that she also went my back and tried to get two credit cards without my knowledge. She has no source of income of her own and doesnt want to work as well.

Is it wrong of me to expect that she should sympathetically listen to me? The six months prior to her departure she wanted a trip to Switzerland, a designer bag, a diamond  necklace , and a trip to Italy before the end of the year !!!  The week before her departure she wanted me to take her to the cinema and then to her favorite restaurant, which i did !!!  and in return she could not treat me with respect and make a simple phone call to my family to ask about their well being.

I am now at my wits end how else could have I treated her better? And why exactly does she want divorce?

Sorry for the long post, the real story is even longer but I have tried to give appropriate representation.



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53 Responses »

  1. I wouldn't usually advocate divorce but it seems like you've done everything for your wife and she's still rude and horrible. If you don't have kids, for the sake of the both of you, divorce is probably the best option.

    • Thanks Akash, I plan to visit Pakistan soon. Keeping in mind the past behavior and consistent bad attitude, it does not seem to be working out

  2. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    I commend you on your patience with your wife who clearly does not appreciate the good in you. It really doesn't sound like she wants this marriage to work or that she respects you or has a soft corner in her heart for you.

    You are not wrong to expect your wife to listen to you and work specifically to accomodate the things that you want when you are already doing things for her comfort.

    I think you need to cool it with giving luxurious gifts because it seems that you think that it can earn respect and she still wants to play games. There are serious concerns in your marriage: her being mischievious about people on her fb, applying for credit cards with no job, backbiting about you to her family (a big no!)...

    Firstly, it isn't clear where she currently she still with her family? Is she demanding a divorce or is she back with you?

    If she is demanding a divorce, you may want to speak to an Imam about this situation and considering she is a distant relative, you could involve some respected unbiased family members between the family members to get to the bottom of this.

    If she is with you, you have to let her know that you will not tolerate back-biting and disrespectful behaviour and don't back down. Her comments about how she will turn your future children against you is a chilling thing to say to a spouse and it really makes me wonder what else is going on in her mind--perhaps she needs counselling--but none of her behaviour is normal based on what you have written.

    I really have to wonder if she isn't hoping to get citizenship in Europe and she is using you. I am sorry to put that out there, but your marriage sounds very troubling. I suggest that you proceed with caution, protect your assets while upholding justice as best you can along the way--but again, you were right to say and feel how you do.

    May Allah ease your pain and help you through this time, Ameen.

    • Waalikum Assalam Sister, thanks for your kind words.

      She is currently in Pakistan, and absolutely no contact since then. I think she is influenced by western media to the extent of stupidity and thinks getting a divorce is just like breaking up with a boyfriend as they show in movies. Since then she has been acting as if her divorce is already finalized and going full streams ahead with activities that she very well know will provoke me. On top of it her mother is still playing the victim card and trying to malign me in the family.

      I am also mindful of her using this marriage as a stepping stone get citizenship because her behavior is dubious and indicates a lack of empathy for me and this marriage.

      I plan to go to Pakistan myself in a couple of weeks and to settle it as best as possible.

      Sincere regards and prayers for your well being.


      • Assalam alaikum,

        Her behaviour is very suspicious and sounds like the beginning of something stressful. Ignore remarks from her family and her - if they try to malign you and your family, they are doing themselves a disservice.

        I hope you don't mind me saying one thing--please do not blame the West--we can say she is influenced by unIslamic vices, but there are plenty of good Muslims all across the globe 🙂

        May Allah swt ease your difficulties, Ameen!

  3. Asalamoalaikum brother,
    From your detailed post as well as your responses to different Q of others, it appears that you are mature ,wise and great quality of positive depth in you. You have played a role of wonderful provider and husband.
    Women pray and wish for a companion like you masaAllah.

    Your wife appears a very immature ,manipulative and selfish person with unknown hidden motives. Is she physically very attractive? This could be one reason she has big head . Divorce rate is high mostly among beautiful women as their pride do not let them settle and always keep them dissatisfied.

    Any way you already are going to visit Pakistan soon and I'm sure will sort out what is best for yourself and future. Even if you reconcile with her make sure not to sponsor her as once she gets her citizenship there is high risk of abandonment of this relation from her side .
    Good wishes.

    • Thanks for your kind words!!. I pray for your continued well being and happiness.

      She is good looking, nothing I would say extra ordinary, but she always thought very highly of herself as far as the looks were concerned.

      Regarding looks I am of the opinion that anyone can look good given enough makeup skills and clothes and that happened in her case as well. She got to develop her looks and sense of style after marriage to the extent that now she thinks that she can get a line of suitors in an instant.

  4. Hi brother
    It seems to me she is using you as her family is poor and will carry on like this.
    I think once she gets her passport she will leave you. Her parents are planning this with her from what you say and she is only nice to you when she wants things theres a chance you will say no too like paying for that ticket.

    You're a nice man from what you said and I don't think she will change and you will end up being not as nice of a person if you stay as you are.

    It's impirtant to remember she is lying to them about you as well like with enjoying Switzerland.

    Be very very very careful I think you are naive in thinking this is what wives are like and putting up with this, there is no understanding or communication in your marriage and as a result you are very unhappy.

    • Aoa sister, thanks for your advise.

      You are right, I think her parents, especially her mother intentionally turned a blind eye to her behavior and was willing to take advantage of me monetarily. She and her mother actually thought
      this could go on forever and encouraged her to have a baby with the explicit intention of controlling me.

      The only reason, I put up with her for so long was that I could not simply imagine a girl would ruin her marriage over such shallow things.

      • @ brother okdeduss - right here, in your post is the mother of all issues. Her own mother. My situation is the same, due to her mother. No matter how crazy someone's gets, has mental issues or bi polar or even cancer, marriages are by design to last till death does two apart. You are supposed to stick by the other party no matter what (as long as the other party is engaged in a healthy relationship and wants to remain married). This is extremely critical as if there is "motherly advise" from the backend that you can't see or understand and it is not in the best interest of you two, its a lost cause. That's what happened in your case and mine.

  5. I also think you need to be a lot more firmer with her until you trust her. I would avoid the presents and holidays and buying her family things when they are treating you like a fool. My husband is same as you and I do not treat him the way she does. I understand his limitations and he allows me to work and we are saving for our holidays and future home.
    His family is not nice to me but he himself has seen it and is protecting me by sitting with me always so if anyone says anything he can help when we visit.
    We are friends above all. Sometimes I am too tired to cook as my job is hard but he doesn't mind if I make him simple food and he cooks for me too but if I have days off it is very different
    Anything he buys me has not been me demanding from him.

    • MashaAllah sister, you two are such an understanding couple. I think that is exactly how a compassionate marriage should be !!

      For sometime, I did try to hold back on the presents and stuff but she told me that "she doesnt feel loved and i should divorce her". I think to her it was more important to showoff her life on facebook and getting likes on her display picture, rather than being a good wife and getting rewarded by Allah (SWT).

      I would have still made peace had she supported me in front on her family but she had no intention of respecting me or my family.

      I pray that you two get immensely rewarded for your kindness towards each other and always be healthy prosperous and happy 🙂 Ameen.

  6. Bizarre behaviour! What were the circumstances of your marriage, do you know if she was forced into it? Did you guys meet beforehand and talk? From what you have said she doesn't seem to have an intrest in this marriage and with her behavior it seems she is trying to give you a reason to divorce her. Its also very disturbing that her mum and sister are advising her about other men and running away! That's disgusting advice.

    I hope you haven't helped her obtain citizenship - Not until you trust her.

    Talk things through with her and the family, involve an imam and put things out into the open. If divorce is what she wants then give it and move on. Don't drag it on, you will only get hurt.

    • No she was not forced into it. I had a few chats with her before the marriage and also visited her home a couple of times.

      No she doesn't have the citizenship yet but I could sense that she was getting very keen to get it.

      My impression is that she did not get a good upbringing to begin with, and her parents did not put in an effort to inculcate a value system in their kids ,i.e,, not teaching them how to talk to elders, or be hospitable with guests, or what is generally expected of her as a good wife.

      In fact, I later discovered that her father uses foul language in front of the daughters. Her mother thinks just because she has sent her kids to O-levels and can speak reasonable English therefore they have the best upbringing in the world. That is why all that she has learnt is from English movies, novels and TV, And based on those ideals, she finds herself at no fault, rather she once asked me
      "Am I not the best wife?".

      I hope to give her family a reality check on my next visit. Otherwise, there is no point in living under the same roof if there is no mutual respect and care.

      sister, thanks very much for your advise. May Allah (SWT) reward you immensely for your kindness.

      • I've been through a similar situation, and to be quite frank if both her and her family are behaving badly I would think twice about continuing with the marriage. Don't ignore these red flags, cut your losses early if you must - things will only get worse. Also if you do decide to keep the marrisge intact don't be in a hurry to apply for citizenship.
        Don't forget to perform istikhara as well.

        May Allah swt guide you to what is best for you, and soften your wife's heart and place love and emaan in it, Ameen.

  7. Salam brother,

    I hate to say it, but your marriage does not look like a workable one from what you've written. You should not assume giving her gifts or being affectionate will change her, seeing how she has been behaving so far; some people are like that, and it is important to be giving and kind, but also to be aware when someone is manipulating you and being deceiving, and leave them immediately before something really hits you.

    A wife, or husband, should never behave with their partner in the way your wife has behaved with you. That is my opinion.
    I think the advice given by the others is mostly right, but proceed cautiously, and if you feel that she has no love for you, then consider whether you want to be married to her. As someone else has asked already, what were the circumstances of your marriage? It seems she did not marry you for you...?

    It does not seem the case that your wife loves you, and from what you have said, if you are being honest, then I think you've done your part - in fact, more than that probably - and she has not done hers. That sort of marriage cannot work, especially if one spouse continues behaving in such a destructive way after the other has said and done everything he/she could.

    Do not do anything that would give her a legal or financial advantage over you; perhaps she has some ulterior motive? How was this marriage set up? Think all of this through.

    If your family is not very supportive (you mention she's a distant relative, and yet her mother's brother, another distant relative therefore, was very rude to you), then you must be strong and take the necessary action to divorce her. I hate to say that, but that's where this seems to be heading. Accept that some people are mean, and perhaps she is not suited for you. I know that this is very rude of me to say, but I had to say it because I feel, sooner or later, you will be in the deep end if you let her go on like this.

    You have not done anything wrong as far as I can tell.

    So, please do not be trusting to such a woman and such a family, consider whether your marriage will work, and if not, consider divorce. Again, I apologize if this comes across as rude, but from your description this seems like a horrible situation for you to be in.

    You also mention in a reply to another comment that you've put up with this only because you cannot imagine a girl putting up such a fuss over shallow things. Well, both men and women do terrible things and say terrible things over the most trivial matters. Your wife, I think, is a fine example. You shouldn't have to feel like you ''have'' to ''put up'' with her; think wisely and do what you feel is good for you.

    I hope I've said something useful,
    Assalamu alaikum,

    • Might I also add that I am in no way saying that sometimes, a spouse should not bear the shortcomings of their partner; no one is perfect, and we have to learn to forgive our partners, siblings, parents, strangers, etc. for their shortcomings, if they are minor.
      However, what I am saying is that, in your situation, your wife seems to have gone too far.

      • Waalikum Assalam brother Asif,

        thanks very much for carefully reading my long post and crafting a detailed response. It certainly takes a good heart to empathize with someone else and i pray to Allah (SWT) to reward you immensely for your kindness.

        I have personally arrived at the same conclusions that you have mentioned and also suggested by other answers. My intention behind posting the question was to gauge if I am thinking dispassionately enough or I might discover a perspective that I haven't yet considered.

        With my comment regarding "girl putting up such a fuss ", I meant, I could not imagine a girl could be so reckless, no matter how literate or illiterate, western or eastern, that she throws away her marriage in this manner .

        An elder once told me that are two types of people 1) good and 2) bad. Good people can make mistakes and as soon as they commit a mistake their conscience urges them to make amends sooner or later. Therefore, it doesn't hurt to give them another chance. Whereas, bad people take a stand on their mistake and try to dig themselves deeper and deeper into the mess they create for themselves.

        Sometimes, I wonder can people change bad to good and vice versa , what happened in the case of Umar Ibn Khatab (RA). But, I understand your advise and intend to avoid the trap of wishful thinking. It is only with an extreme demonstration of character by her and her family that she stands a chance but that is unlikely keeping in mind the consistent tactics used by them.

        May Allah (SAW) guide us all to make good decisions and give us strength to make
        peace with them.

        Best wishes for your health, success and happiness.

  8. Brother,

    God willing when you go and visit your wife and her family, you will find some resolve. It sounds as though your wife does not want this marriage any longer. You may love her but it does not sound as though your love is reciprocated nor your kindness appreciated. Life is way too short to spend it with a woman who does not have the decency to give you the respect that you are due, let alone appreciate all the little things you do for her. Good luck to you in your endeavor to find a way to a peaceful resolution.


    • Thanks Najah for your advise.

      I think she thought she could cheat her way through marriage. She would continue to be spoiled brat, be rude and get all the perks of a good wife by baking some muffins every once in a while to justify the lifestyle she wanted.

      Sadly, in Pakistan, where un-professionalism is rampant, people love to get a job where they dont have to do much and get loads of perks in return. But this approach cannot work for marriage. It is a very close relationship.

      In the matters of love, I believe it needs to be constantly nurtured like a plan with your full sincerity so that it could bloom into a strong relationship. Even from love marriages which start on a high note, the love withers if partners start to take each other for granted.

      She tried to keep an appearance of a loving relationship without genuinely investing her hopes and efforts in the success of the relationship. To her success meant posting on facebook the photos of the latest vacation she had been to and getting likes on her display picture and not the happiness she could see in the eyes of her husband.

      My prayers are for your well being and happiness.

  9. I think it is sad what you are going through. Don't blame the west for what you going through.
    There's good and bad everywhere considering you married her from Pakistan you would think she would have shame or at least have Islamic morals. Seems like greed gets the better of some people and I personally would leave this person to it.

    • Thanks for Samina for your advise.

      I don't mean to criticize west, in fact I think I would have been much better off had I married a European girl. Westerners may have different belief system but they have better morals and stand by the values of honesty and loyalty.

      I mean to say that people see sitcoms and tv shows and try to copy the actors just to be cool. They actually think that is how people live in the west. The local tv ads, morning shows, any Bollywood movie they all portray a psuedu western lifestyle where 40 year olds are acting like teens in the west.

      In the case of my wife, the gold standard of a good personality was the ability to speak good English and the biggest compliment if people tell her she is looking western. I am only against going gaga over anything western and harboring a disdain towards your own culture.

  10. Brother Okdeduss - I think I can share some stuff with you that's almost the same between you and my situation and I can share my feelings about it too. I am pasting a link on the bottom of this post where you can read my story when you have a few minutes.

    Before I begin, I am going to write a few things about certain aspects of married life and that might be offensive to some. But that's not the intention here. The idea is to help you with my experience so you can apply it to your benefit before its too late or just have some reference points for you.

    - I've been married for 6 miserable years. My wife was divorced before I met her. I found out about her divorce and respected the fact and thought I was going to do something good by marrying her. Turned out, there is a reason why people are divorced and it was her stubborn personality with borderline personality disorder.
    Everything I saw in her (disconnected, disengaged, lying, etc), she had told me about her ex-husband. So what I know now, is that it was really she acting the way she does, which caused that first divorce to happen and I am sure there were mistakes by the other guy too. Just like I am sure i have made mistakes too but nothing drastic enough to ruin a marriage and I am a committed husband and a very sensitive and caring father. But...that doesn't seem enough to her.

    I have to raise two kids and sadly enough she's not over a few items from the past and even that changes from minute to minute. She's the FIRST women I've ever met, who is and was ready to leave her little children with me anytime, any place. She's so disconnected to her own children that it seems like she's their babysitter than a mom. She shows no remorse or comprehension of this decision, or realizing any pain this will inflict upon two little souls. At this point, I am trying to find an exist strategy that could potentially be the lesser of all evils for my children but no matter how you look at it, this situation is disturbing. It'll seriously impact, if not semi destroy my golden career and will for sure sure disturb my two precious children's lives. But.....something tells me that the moma will be fine and she'll move on rather quickly because she's not connected to us to a degree a mother or a wife is. And she's rude, abusive and manipulating.

    - Now back to you and I gave you this little context to get your head to start calculating. Brother, someone told me recently and I wish I had heard it a long time ago (and had cared to apply it without putting my 6 years into this mess). The saying was "Marriage is like an investment, if you start to see serious losses in the beginning, and you put your honest effort in fixing it, and nothing changes, learn to count your losses and walk away".

    I am a firm believer in the institution of marriage and that's why the 6 years of my young life and majority of my head's hair were sacrificed. I am, till today, trying to see if there would be ANY way, where I don't have to take a mother out of the equation from these children. BUT....the mother needs to have a brain working enough to appreciate that too and she doesn't care or can't think for these kids future. SO it is what it is, Allah probably wanted these kids to be raised in a certain way and his order happens and our efforts fail because he has all the knowledge and everything comes from him and goes back to him MA.

    - Your wife, IMO, has the same stuff like my wife. Borderline personality and potentially Bi Polar disorder. One of the few symptoms are excessive money spending or shopping, lying, hyper sexuality, and severe mood swings. These are signs that don't ALL need to be there. But if a few are there, you know what's up.

    My wife goes to a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. I went to one for a second opinion alone and she was a Muslim doctor. She told me to "take my girls and run". As there is no cure for Borderline Personality issue. Its not a mental disease, It is a learned behavior. This part is EXTREMELY important for you to know as this helped connect the dots for me. Her mother is very manipulated and so is her dad, I could now see it black and white in her.

    - You said her mom was a bread winner and your in laws aren't from a rich family background or well settled even. My in laws had the same stuff too. What happens in this situation is that both parents usually fight on money and associated issues. The marriage is tense and the children are scared majority of the time due to yelling, screaming and even violence, their brain development suffers. Plus the children have photogenic memory, they can't comprehend or understand the complex nature of discussions before 4, but the 80% of the brain is developed by 4. So they take "pictures" of these experiences and those really become the lifelong guidance that comes out automatically when a similar situation arises. The subconscious brings out the SAME routine this child had seen from her parents and bam, she reacts the same way.

    Your wife is doing what she's seen in her household. She saw her father stay at home but entitled to everything the mom made probably. She also saw a working independent women probably put her husband on the spot and yelled, screamed and ask for divorce. So there you have it. A perfect environment for a dysfunctional family. My wife tells me she was "nothing" like she is now before. I know she was JUST like this. We went to the Psychologist and in the first two minutes, she set the tone with my wife that "nothing you are doing here, is something new. You are just responding to things the way you've dealt with them before or seen your parent deal with them in the same manner"

    - You mentioned someone putting comments on her pictures. I've dealt with that too. My wife will tell you after so many discussions for years, that she's never flirted with anyone and that she didn't know "what flirtatious behavior was". When I've seen it ten times left and right and now know a lot about her college life. This is also one of the Borderline personality signs that the person living with it, doesn't understand how bad or inappropriate of a behavior they present in front of others. If you watch that in front of you, you may have some interesting words for a woman acting like it.

    Everything I've told you is not to be taken and directly applied to your situation. But after reading your post, I felt like there were way too many similarities so I wanted to share those with you. Remember, Allah (SWT) has made divorce halal but it is one of the most disliked things to him. So before pulling the trigger, here is what you need to do. I am doing it (been doing it) and I think the end is near for our marriage at the least.

    1) Do Istakhara with the intention of divorce. What this would do is, it'll take command of your matter from your hands directly to Allah (SWT). And you'll start to feel strongly about where you need to go. Or you'll see signs or dreams but you'll know. When I do it (I've done it a lot to make sure), in the middle of turbulence and pain filled life, I get very peaceful. That doesn't mean the life going forward won't be stressful but it does seem that I am at peace and that it is the right decision to make. I tried it more than many times to make sure and I've now learned it that the peace and tranquility come because it's what needs to happen. You may feel or think differently when you do it as Allah (SWT) will guide you.

    2) Have a straight conversation with your wife after reading two nafal's for Hajat (and the dua is on this site in the top menu under Istakhara). Then, pray for Allah's help to make it work and go talk to your wife. Lay it out for her that this behavior needs to stop, the comments on pictures, the contacts, the disrespectful behavior, etc, etc.

    Remember, you don't have children so it is VERY critical to do it ASAP before a child comes in between and will suffer forever. After the talk, give her a time limit where you'll measure her behavior change. Be a human and know that not everything might change. But you want enough change to live your life normally. Also, Make Sure you DO NOT lost respect for her, or change your attitude towards her.

    She's still your wife, given to you by the almighty. Let him help you vs. you being taken over by Iblees and doing or saying stuff in the heat of the moment that you might regret forever.

    3) Involve your family and hers. Have a sit down talk, stay objective. DO NOT mention these picture / comment thing in front of the family.
    Just focus on rude / abusive behavior and that how dangerous it is to continue like this, and in fact have children one day in such a tense environment. Seek their help, don't "bring it to them".

    That way, you'll have received extra help and warned the elders in confidence, you've also fulfilled a part of the Islamic divorce process, where you must consult with families before anything serious happens. Hopefully, her parents will help fix it if she comes from a normal family background. Mine didn't come from a normal family, so when I did this, instead of helping, her mom asked her to get a divorce and get married for a third time and tried to call police on me to try to take my children away by making stuff up. Istaghfirrullah.

    4) All the above will send you in the right direction and Istakhara will guide you towards the right decision IA. Or the right decision will happen automatically in front of you without you realizing it. Beauty of the Istakhara MA.

    With this, I'll keep you and your family in my prayers and IA, good luck to you. Do us a favor and please do come and update your post if things start to get fixed, or if unfortunately, you'll have to find exit from this situation. That way, it'll help others to see and read about an entire experience from Istakhara's standpoint. We all learn from each other so your details might help someone else.

    Remember, this is the rest of your life and time is of essence, something I didn't pay attention to thinking, I'll keep praying and it'll all get better somehow! Here's a link to my situation if you still would like to read it.

    • Shahid: My wife goes to a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. I went to one for a second opinion alone and she was a Muslim doctor. She told me to "take my girls and run". As there is no cure for Borderline Personality issue. Its not a mental disease, It is a learned behavior.

      How can you get a second opinion for your wife's mental health problem without her being present? What kind of Muslim doctor told you "take your girls and run", as there is no cure for Borderline Personality issue. Its not a mental disease, It is a learned behavior.

      Learned behavior can be replaced by learning new behavior.

      For how long you knew your wife before your married her? Did you notice any personality problems with her before you married her.

      • Have you ever practice medicine or psychiatry? If not....I'd suggest you go to one and find out how they can see someone else's reports, tests and diagnosis and give you an expert opinion. Mind you, instead of being internet warriors like you and I, these people go through mental health education, where hundreds of BILLIONS have been poured into understanding how the brain works, its components and functions. This isn't a rocket science anymore.

        And I've noticed some issues right before the marriage when she asked me to be intimate with her as we were "engaged" and I refused to keep it real. I noticed around that time and on a few times after how strong of a personality she had. But nowhere in my mind, I could link the "strong personality" with craziness!

  11. Brother shahid I am sorry to hear about your situation and I believe you did a noble thing by marrying your wife, however I really dont want you to generalise and make the assumption that there is something wrong with people who are divorced. Unfortunately sometimes there is no way out of a situation but divorce.

    In your wifes case if she is bipolar then that's a serious condition, she needs treatment. Her detachment, lack of empathy etc may be a result of this, she may need treatment. I have a friend who is bipolar and has been diagnosed and treated. Her husband remained supportive and she nkw has three beatiful children and a happy marriage MashaAllah. Your wife's behaviour may not be on purpose, it's very rare for a mother to disconnect with Her children, perhaps seek second opinion from a different psychiatrist.

    Personality disorder is a different topic - it can be quite challenging and very difficult to manage. Although I don't feel too sure about your psychiatrist who seems very judgemental and unprofessional by telling you to take your kids and leave!!! Have you tried counselling?

    • It's very easy to write posts and it is very difficult to actually be in the situation. The Bi Polar part, if one has it, is curable. In your post, you've discredited all three doctors who have been doing this for 30 years and one of them participates in research on this topic.

      The point is, when someone has Personality Disorders, about 99% of the time, they have a really bad past. You can see many posts here with kids all messed up emotionally. Add an abnormal family background.

      The God Fearing, the Mercy and all these normal human things that we talk about, in daily life, are foreign to people like my wife. Her solution, is the SAME like her mom. Everything (literally), irrespective of a compliment or a critique, is dealt with the same manner, a fight and defensiveness. Her solution is, my mom put me in school at the age of 2.5 years, I can do this too and raise my kids. There is no emotionality. When a woman is connected more with her colorful past than her two little children, who'll suffer the most, there is NOTHING a husband can do. He becomes a foreigner to her. Her own children who she kept in her belly are no longer important.

      The fact is, you have abusive mothers like this. Because their brain development didn't complete normally. If someone got depressed due to situations in life, you can support it and treat that. BUT, when someone went through child hood trauma and had a pretty messed up life, unfortunately, you can't do a lot to get it fixed. The wiring is done in the brain and the pathways are incorrectly aligned. The area in the brain responsible for feelings, human relationships and human contact, has 10% of the electricity than what it needs to be. So you can't "redo" the brain. Medications in such situations can mask symptoms but no result as the problem is in the structure of the brain. People with Borderline personality don't have the brain capacity to be normal unfortunately. And if you continue with it, your kids will learn the bad behavior and the destruction will go on to the next generations.

      Also, when someone is used to Gambling, Shopping Sprees, Hyper Sexual Conduct, Manipulation, all or ANY of these symptoms generally describing Bi Polar with Borderline, you can give medication and treatment. If its JUST Bi Polar, you can probably get to a normal stage. a learned behavior. Sooner or later, as soon as the opportunity comes, the person will be tempted to Chet, Gamble, abusively spend money or whatever "passion" they have. And the cycle starts. You can't control it so might a well cut it before its passed on to the next generation.

      • I am sorry for the difficulties that your wife is facing. I do want to say that people with personality disorders who do not acknowledge it will more than likely never find success; however, I do know of people who have BPD and have succeeded in fighting it, even when the temptations come, but acknowledging the problem, being more spiritual, being open and having a support program.

        And BPD isn't just a result of abusive mothers --it is also the result of abusive fathers.

        People with abuse in their childhood are not write-offs; nor are divorced people.

        I understand that what you are going through is extremely difficult and I understand much of your post speaks from your own personal experience--I pray that Allah swt brings ease to your problems.

        • Salam brother Shahid,

          Firstly I'd like to thank you for outlining a very positive and wise way of dealing with difficulties in marriage. Divorce is not to be taken lightly and following the Islamic procedure of openly discussing the issues, seeking help from a religious scholar or family, giving things time, praying for goodness and praying istikhara are all part of making this life changing decision. There are many, some research states up to 30-40%, people who divorce, not only Muslims, but of other faiths/non faiths who regret their decision. So although time is of essence it is also important to give this its due time and not rush.

          A divorcee does not necessarily lack anything. They may have been divorced for reasons beyond them. You describe your wife to have borderline personality disorder. My ex husband who divorced me after 4 months of a long distance marriage had narcissistic personality traits. He was also angry, selfish, arrogant and malicious. This was his behaviour before I met him, I didn't create it. This was his behaviour during our honeymoon, I hadn't had time to place a foot wrong. This was his state of heart before marriage and having someone close brought it all out. I was not given a chance to understand or to sit down and talk about it but have had to piece things together after the divorce based on what normal and abnormal behaviour is in a relationship. I still pray Allah swt Guides him. The divorce was not my fault. My fault was that I married him. And even then I accept it was Khadr Allah and I am grateful for what it has taught me.

          So no, divorced people are like everyone else. Sometimes their experience of marriage makes them more wise, patient and loving. I'm sorry this did not turn out to be the case for you and your wife but I pray you find your solution. May Allah swt Guide you to that which is best for you.

        • @ sister Saba - I appreciate your post. However, you honestly devalued your own argument by quickly jumping to "men are bad too". This wasn't the point. The point is and medically proven is the fact that dysfunctioning marriages produce BDP children. Frankly speaking, a good caring and strong mother builds a foundation for her children. If you notice, men are usually at work 8-10 hours of a normal 14-16 hour day and the rest of the time is spent in sleeping. Who spends the most time with children? Mother!!!

          The point is, either one of the parents not in the right mind set, would effect the children. But, just like the Prophet (SW) said 3 times that your mother has rights on you compared to 1 time for father, speaks volumes. And tells you a mother's role. If a mother is dysfunctional, there is NOTHING you could do to safeguard the next generation. I know a few people (ladies) who were divorced due to their husbands being abusive and they managed to raise their children just fine. So really, its the mother who breaks or makes a family.

          The comment below wasn't really needed, it almost felt like this was just a feminine way of pushing the paper back to the "man".
          "And BPD isn't just a result of abusive mothers --it is also the result of abusive fathers"

          • My point is that you talk about BPD as though it arises from only a problematic mother and that isn't true--and I don't think this, I know this, so it is important to mention this--but obviously you believe that it is the case since you believe it's the "mother who breaks or makes a family." Sorry you feel that way.

            Obviously you are hurting and it really seems that staying with your wife is creating more destruction - perhaps you need to seriously consider ending the marriage once and for all because there is a limit to how much a person can take.

      • Asalamoalaikum brother Shahid, you are dealing with rough situation and yes of course only you know how difficult it is HOWEVER you have mentioned that 3 doctors you consulted have 30 year experience . They are most likely old school and inference given by them that borderline personality disorder is untreatable is absolutely untrue.

        This is most widely studied personality disorder then any other. Patients are usually very demanding thus leading to therapist burn out that is why team approach is installed that is directed by psychiatrist ,psychologist and social worker who work as team.
        Rate of remission is 50 to 90 percent depending upon proper follow up. So you wife can get better if she gets latest structured treatment approach by a team who has expertise in it.

        • I have a demanding career myself and now I have to think about and figure out two children's future with me and without their mother. I've given this women SIX precious years to understand her own issue and manage them so she could stay married and WITH her kids who she gave birth to. After being on meds and doctors, she STILL doesn't want to take responsibility for anything and tha's what ruining our marriage.
          As of yesterday, I had to ask her if she made her follow up appointment with her doctor which she has been promising me for three weeks as she's back on her anger roller coaster. So as you can see, managing an executive career, then having to figure out two kids future and trying to support a wife who after six years, hasn't cared to take responsibility. Even WHEN she knows she has issues. So frankly speaking, what I was able to do (and more than my ability), I did. Its a sick patients responsibility also to take care of themselves and to ensure their sickness isn't burdening others more than it has to.
          If this madness continues, my stress level will hit the top and I'll have a heart attack. Can I afford it? NO, I have two children to raise. So this entire team thing, I don't mind that as long as she takes the minimal responsibility for ATLEAST following up with her doctor. If she doesn't want to do that and I have to spoon feed everything, I don't think I have the time, patience or luxury of raising a third child anymore who refuses to listen in their mid thirties or take SOME responsibility as being a part of a family.

        • No children divorce her and pray for her. So many good Muslim women need a good man. Why suffer. Make another sister happy who can do the same for you

      • Shadid, I can understand your situation in someways. Borderline is very serious. The person has to want to change from within themselves. You can not make them change. Your wife sounds selfish and narcissistic as well. These people do not change easily. You can not let your small girls suffer from an uncaring and cold mother like this,or it can damage your children. Cluster B personality disorders are very serious and change has to come from within that person. This is like psychopath,narcissism, borderline and sociopath. These people are very dangerous so I understand why your doctor said take the girls and run! It is one thing to try to work on a marriage with normal problems as no person is perfect. But when it comes to any kind of abuse and neglect or lying kinds of behaviors you probably do need to run! Think of your daughters first! You can not change the bad and disrespectful behavior of your wife. You can talk to her ,but then she has to want to change from deep in her heart and this usually does not happen as these kinds of people with these disorders usually think nothing is wrong with themselves and think everyone else is the problem.
        I had to leave a psychopathic husband myself. He lied and cheated on me often and was very neglectful and abusive. You can not expect change from a person who even believes there own lies. I can understand why you should take your precious girls and run. They need to be protected from any kind of abuse and neglect and they are a gift from Allah to parents. Allah expects parents to protect their children from any kind of abuse and neglect .

        • Thank you sister. You have nailed it on the head. Same thing her two doctors said in front of me (and the third one, I went to, behind her back). The change comes within her. She doesn't want to change or even take LITTLE responsibility for anything. As simple as setting up follow up appointments with her doctor. How could she survive the complexities in living in a family and raising two children? I didn't add myself here as I frankly don't see what I have received from this marriage outside of stress, drama, disrespect and entirely disconnected behavior!

      • I think your right it defintly is easier for me to sit here and right a post but having read your individual post in detail about your wife it seems your clearly going through a difficult patch, but you certianly shouldn't assume that all divorcees have issues.

        You sound like a God fearing man with good morals and a lot of patience. It seems like you are putting up with a lot to keep your marriage intact. It doesn't help that her parents have bizarre behaviour, who knows perhaps she had manipulated them and has weaved them into her little web.

        You know she has a lot of traits very similar to my husband and his family were obstructive too, his mother threatened to call the police whenever there were any issues eg I had a massive argument with my husband when I discovered he had been having inappropriate interactions with another woman and his mums response was to threaten to call the police ?!?!?!

        Anyway, mine was a short narriage and I didn't have kids to think about. In the end I decided it was best to divorce and try to pick up the broken pieces and move on.

        In your case who knows there may be an element of personality disorder etc but she still has free will to control her behaviour. I could be wrong but It seems she doesn't really want the marriage, she has no interest in it and perhaps that's why she is making things difficult so that it gives her and you and excuse to end the marriage?

        I understand your dilemma of having children and wanting a good future for them and hence why u want to stay together. I guess if that's what u want then you could just continue with the marriage and be patient like u have been. Perhaps try islamic counselling too and learn about islam together. Perhaps this might help?

        May Allah swt make it easy for you . Ameen. Pls also keep me in ur Duas

  12. Aoa Shahid,

    Thanks very much for taking the timeout to advise me on my situation.

    I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for you. Being a working professional, i can understand
    it is an unnecessary hit to your career and personal well being. It is due to the recklessness of your wife
    that instead of enjoying the good things that you have been blessed with, she is dragging you into this mess.

    Here, I am sharing a few thoughts on the above comments and try to give my advise on your situation as well.

    Bipolar / Border line Personality Disorder

    I personally believe that there is some truth to being Bi Polar but a lot of negative behavior now a days is
    explained as some sort of chemical imbalance in the brain. I think it is not fair in most cases because,
    it just shifts the blame from the person to the condition and gives them a justification.

    Psychiatry by some is not even considered exact science and prescribing mind-numbing pills to desensitize you to a situation is hardly a solution. If you google you will find evidence to support this opinion.

    In my opinion, a lot of it is learned behavior. We grow in different circumstances and develop our own definition of a fair and unfair behavior. For example, a child who is coming from a broken or dysfunctional family would learn verbal abuse, cheating or manipulation as viable way to survive. Similarly, a child coming from a family of limited means would learn to not to take risks with money or may over compensate his insecurities by spending too much etc.

    It is proven by research that children of broken families tend to have complications in their martial lives
    themselves. It is only by conscious effort that one can develop a sense of normality. Not many people have this wisdom, Out of their survival instinct they stick with the learned behavior without realizing that their environment has changed and it is no longer hostile.

    Divorced People

    People could be divorced even when they are not at fault. It could be that the other spouse does
    not subscribe to the commonly understood norms of loyalty, trust and compassion or thinks s/he would be able to get away with his/her dubious way while keeping a trustworthy appearance.

    Even when the divorce is not your fault, one needs to be aware of the emotional baggage that might come with it. The sense of betrayal is huge. A divorce can change ones ability to trust people and views on companionship. I think a little introspection can help, otherwise, people often project the negativity of their past experiences onto the newer ones.

    One need to remembers that when you reach out to help a damsel in distress, or help out a poor soul take note of why the damsel is in distress in the first place and if it is not her fault whether she is able to handle the emotional baggage of the last experience or not. This advise applies to the guys as well.

    Your situation

    I think there are two options:

    1) Leave her
    I think if you take this option then you just have to workout how you are going to setup your life afterwards. For example, would hire a nanny to take care of the kids or would your second wife be able to take care of them, what does it mean professionally for you e.g. you may not be able to stay away from home for long. May move to a place where you have relatives etc. All of this is simple logistics of the solution and i think it is the easy bit. Life goes on and if you plan with a little sensibility it can workout.

    The other aspect that you need to be mindful of is that how to protect yourself from unnecessary disputes during the divorce, alimony, child custody issues, property issues. For this it is best to talk to a lawyer and see what is the best course of action. You might want to teach her a lesson but my advise would be if you take this route to finish as cleanly as possible so that there is no emotional baggage for you afterwards.

    Also, collect evidence of her negligence and abusive behavior to protect yourself in case they want to harm you by dragging you in the courts.

    2) Manage the situation
    You need to accept that you cannot fix the situation, but you need to see if it can toned down to an extent that it is acceptable to you.For example, the relationship may not be an ideal one but as long as there is a basic degree of respect, care and intimacy, it can survive.

    I am only suggesting this option because you have kids and even if you divorce her she can still play victim and poison your kids. It is only much later in life that your kids realize how the real circumstances were.

    In any unfavorable situation there are usually 5 stages of response: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance. You can judge where your wife is currently at, they real solution would come when she "accepts" the reality and thinks that her success lies with the success of this family and not with what better options are out there for her.

    In order to manage the situation, it is important to understand the mindset that may be at play here.
    here is what I understand:

    Parents: I think a big problem with parents, especially working parents is that they do not emphasize family values to their kids and assume kids will learn to be good wives or husbands instinctively. It becomes, especially important for girls because if you look at the media, girls are objectified and the only merit they are judged at is their beauty or sex appeal.
    This plays on the natural tendency of girls to seek attention. Some girls start to think of themselves as a products where they can always upgrade for someone better and develop a huge sense for
    all the luxuries in life without moving a finger.

    You can also consider to involve family to neutralize the pressure from her mother so that she can be told to her that how unreasonable her daughter is being by social standards

    Since, you have mentioned that staying away from her parents you see somewhat improvement. I would take it as a positive sign.

    Age: I do not know the age of your wife but I am guessing late twenties to early thirties, and even after two kids she hasn't matured then there are not much chances of her getting sober, as the chances of her getting "a better option" deteriorate.

    Social circle: I think your wife has a circle of friends where such flirtatious behavior is accepted and encouraged.

    In this connected age, one cannot force anyone to away from certain people unless they themselves want to do that. If she somehow arrives at the "acceptance" stage you can try to make a pact with her that you will only maintain contact with so and so couple etc. It will only work if she has "accepted" her situation.

    Medication / Psychiatric help. Since, she is already taking medication, it is also a good sign that she accepts that she has a problem. i hope the medication would take the edge of her and might be easier for you to manage. I would advise to continue with psychiatric visits.

    Reconciliation : you mentioned that your wife is trying to patch up with you but there is no commitment from her side or remorse as she gets angry when you start to mention things. I think she is still trying to play games. Do not give in yet but maintain your principled stance.

    I think there is no point in filling the gaps in story, let the parts that are hidden from remain hidden as they will only make you uneasy. I think only true merit of her intentions is the actions is if she accepts her social obligations as wife and is considerate towards you and the kids.

    Hopefully you will be able to manage the above situation by removing the triggers from her environment.
    The real solution would come once she is has total acceptance of her situation

    You also mentioned that she is away from her parents, then where is she living currently?, is she back
    at your place?

    Final resolution
    I suggest in the next 2-3 months you workout how to have a clean exit and in the meanwhile (if possible) try to move her towards "accepting" the situation, if she shows signs of progress that instead of denial she goes into bargaining, then hold on for a few months so that she concludes her transition and accepts the reality, otherwise do "istekhara" and bite the bullet.

    My sincerest prayers are with you and your little kids, may Allah (SWT) give your wife sensibility to correct her ways and reward you and your kids immensely for your patience. Ameen.

  13. Assalaam ou alaikoum,

    Your wife sounds like a textbook narcissist. The harder you try, the more they despise you. When you care about them they see it as a weakness. They will disrespect you and look down at you. You are doing the wrong thing by catering to her every need and being so good to her. Why are you doing that? I don't understand.
    It is one thing to be a good husband to a woman who appreciates you, it's a completely different thing to reward a person that is treating you so horribly. Her behaviour has the consequence that you start trying even harder, taking her on trips, buying her expensive stuff, being good to her family,etc. The thing is you don't seem to understand that you are giving her the message that it is ok to treat you that way. If somebody were to treat me like that I would get angry and demand some respect. The last thing on my mind would be to take that person to Switserland. I think you're cutting yourself short by not taking a firm stand, not standing up for yourself. You are forgetting that your behaviour is the honorable thing to do, only if you have a righteous wife. If you give the wrong kind of people that treatment they will take advantage of you. That person doesn't love you, she is not capable of loving anybody but herself in my opinion. If I where you I wouldn't waste one more day on her. You don't have children with her, there is no reason you should endure this. If it was me I would divorce her and look for a woman that would appreciate me and my efforts to be a good person. The world is filled with good women that can value you and respect you as you deserve. But the world is also filled (maybe even more) with women that are like your current wife. So you should pray for the right one this time. You need to realise that she will never respect you, especially if you keep treating her like royalty while she is treating you like dirt. You deserve better, and she deserves an evil guy like her.

    • Thanks Truthful for reading the long post and the comments. It certainly takes a kind heart to show such empathy for others. I pray that you get rewarded immensely and always be successful.

      Actually, it took me some time to understand what was going on.

      In the beginning, for about 10 months, I thought she is new to the role and will learn, the next 6-7 months, I tried that may be her parents might put some sense into her, then for the next 6-7 months, I tried to positively re-enforce her good behavior rewarding her good behavior and cutting back on bad behavior. Whenever I cut back on things to express my displeasure at her bad behavior she complained that "she doesn't feel loved any more, and since her father cant afford a ticket for her, therefore, I should buy her a ticket and divorce her". She used to unreasonably balance out the good things I did for her for example, she would say you took me to Switzerland, I also made you a nice dinner last week, now we are even.

      But looking back I think she was a gold digger and thought that she would get away with her dubious ways, that is why her mother way telling her have a baby , as a way to control me, rather than teaching her daughter values.

      I plan to go to Pakistan soon and to sort it all out, so far she and her family have not shown any improvement in behavior or decency of character, and on top of it she is already acting as if she is divorced. Going all out, and intentionally provoking me by doing things that she know I disapprove.

      I believe in the general goodness of people and never imagined that a girl could be such a nut case. I am hopeful that any girl with a fraction of interest in having a family will be respectful and kind to her husband.

  14. I have answered to this post before reading all the comments, and once I read them I had to respond to brother Shahids situation. Your case illustrates what I'm talking about. People with personality disorders who are selfish, egotistical, and harmful to people near to them, even to their own children. And it is often a lost cause, so it is not right to advise somebody who has been suffering for 6 years to hang in there, to try to fix her, to get her help, to not give up. Only someone who has been in that situation can know what its like, and its often just before you're about to loose your own sanity that you realise: I have to get out of here. That takes courage too, especially when there are children involved. And you are right, she will mentally destroy those children if she already hasn't. It is in their best interest to remove them from such a toxic situation (a mother that doesn't care about them). And you are right, the mother IS the centre of the family, she is the backbone. A family can fall apart because of divorce or some other reason, but as long as there is a loving mother around, she can keep her children safe and sane, even if they will have a hard time because of the abscence of the father. On the other hand if it's the mother who abandons or mistreats the children, the outcome is often more devastating. I know it's not the feminist thing to say, but no, I don't think a father and a mother are the same. But then again I' m no feminist.
    It IS difficult to imagine, but there ARE people in this world without a conscience, without empathy, without mercy in their harts. And its not a solution to advise someone to try to help such people, only to be subjected to the manipulative ways of a user like that for a longer period, resulting in more damage. Those people are different from you and me and they are looking out for number one, and that is themselves. Unquestionably there are reasons why these people are the way they are, and you can feel compassion for that, but that doesn't mean you should sacrifice yourself for them, because you can't fix them. The damage is done.

  15. Salaam,

    Would really like to hear from the brother who asked this question and find out what his situation is right now. Since we can learn from his experience.

    As a note and suggestion for other people who will come across this situation, I would suggest to read the book " Married Man Sex Life primer". Or any other marriage advice book and try to find the solution. What I have learned is that it's not just a simple one answer solution to the question. Its actually a way of life we have to implement and make a change in our way of living to be happy men.

    May ALLAH grant us all Jannatul Firdous.

  16. Sura Nisa (4-34)

    مرد عورتوں پر حاکم ہیں اس وجہ سے کہ اللہ تعالیٰ نے ایک کو دوسرے پر فضیلت دی ہے اور اس وجہ سے کہ مردوں نے اپنے مال خرچ کئے ہیں، پس نیک فرمانبردار عورتین خاوند کی عدم موجودگی میں بہ حفاﻇت الٰہی نگہداشت رکھنے والیاں ہیں اور جن عورتوں کی نافرمانی اور بددماغی کا تمہیں خوف ہو انہیں نصیحت کرو اور انہیں الگ بستروں پر چھوڑ دو اور انہیں مار کی سزا دو پھر اگر وه تابعداری کریں تو ان پر زیادتی کا کوئی راستہ/بہانہ تلاش نہ کرو، بے شک اللہ تعالیٰ بڑی بلندی اور بڑائی واﻻ ہے

  17. If you don't hv any children with her. Get out asap. Things will get more messy with time.

  18. I am sure its only his side of the story.. in every such case I have ever come across, Men who are planning to divorce always use the exact same excuses to blame her and playing innocent.

    • Salam Zain,

      It's not like that in this case. The guy wants a housewife that supports him and his wife wants to enjoy everything this world has to offer.

      There are marriages where the girl wants to stay at home and raise kids and doesn't want the responsibility of going to work. There are women that want to work and are bored of being a homemaker and do not want to stay in a house. Similarly there are guys that want to be married to a homemaker and guys that want financial support.

      The marriage this guy was in was one where the girl hasn't reached maturity yet. She would like to be married and just have fun like they do in the movies where the guy chases the girl, earns well, and provides everything for her because she's just so darn lovable. Unfortunately this didn't pan out for her in this marriage, if they divorced she might grow up and take on more responsibility next time and perhaps this guy will pick someone who wants to be a homemaker.

      There's generally a root cause for all divorces. You have John Gottman's theories too which are pretty true.

  19. Well, thank you all for your prayers and kind suggestions.

    Thinking that it may help someone, here is an update

    First of all, I showed immense (i really mean beyond immense) restraint in divorcing her and went to our home
    country after letting her stay at her parents for 6 months.

    Upon reaching there I realized that the following factors were at play:
    1) She had continuously misrepresented me in front of her family and the mediators.
    I learned that she has been habitually lying and have dig herself a big hole.
    Her family is also known to be foolhardy and therefore, it was difficult for them to admit their
    mistake and were even willing to destroy their daughter and save their ego.

    2) I later learnt that she was under so much stress that she had to take anti-depressants and
    fully realized her mistake but like her parents were unable to find a way out.

    3) One of the most shocking aspects was that one of the mediators (the eldest in our family)
    had an ulterior motive and were subtly forcing our family, her family and the extended
    family to have divorce.

    4) It was incredibly difficult because all the mediation efforts were blocked by this elder and
    he was using his influence in the family to force her and my family to get the divorce.

    This elder was also pressurizing us that give the divorce otherwise the girls father is criminal minded
    and he will involve you in fake trails and you would not be able to pursue them from abroad.

    He was also influencing the girls family that they should only send their daughter back if the
    I promise a hefty amount as pocket money.

    This elder also blocked our various efforts to open communication channels with them and
    was visibly trying to get back at our family for not towing his line on other family issues.

    5) The solution was reached by only Allah's grace, I showed this elder that I am going to the court
    and I am willing to fight it out no matter what is the cost to me. Showed him papers where I filed
    for a civil dispute. He then realized that I am not bluffing and it would also drag him. Therefore,
    he then softened the soil for a mediation.

    6) We also offered a graceful exit to the girls family and they dropped her at my place without
    any conditions.

    7) There was some mistrust in the beginning and she did try to win back some of her
    ground but I had to block it right there and had to issue a first verbal divorce.

    I believe, she learned quite negative patterns of behavior from her upbringing and it was her negative
    approach to problem resolutions that lead to problems.

    8) Since then, it has been a year and I think she and her family have realized their role.
    I see no stubbornness and I think with age and after this experience she has learned her lesson.

    9) We now have Al-hamdulillah a baby together and I hope with the blessing of Allah,
    the relationship prospers even further.

    10) My take away from this is that a divorce is an even greater loss for you if you are sincere guy.
    There is no perfect relationship but we have the ability to create an environment where a healthy
    relationship can be nurtured and negativities can be stopped from growing out of proportion.

    I understand that it is not always possible to create such an environment and it is a very very difficult balance to achieve if both parties are not cooperating.

    Once again, thank you all for your advise and prayers!!.

    • Its great to know this .You have shown extreme level of patience and have saved her life more than yours .I don't know why that elder behaved like that ? Was he psycho ?

      • It is also beyond my understand. I guess many people back home have become psychopaths.
        For their little benefit they would not dare cause much more damage to someone else.

        This what we see in all walks of life. Doctors, Civil Servants, Laywers, Shop keepers etc.
        May Allah give everyone hidayat.

  20. I feel your pain my brother..I just divorced my wife in may of 2016 we are both of Yemeni decent and it was the hardest decision I had to make cause of our 2 daughters like your ex mine had similar qualities

  21. Dude. This is because of her upbrining. And sorry to say: you should definilty divorce. This is an ego problem. I have been through the same thing. These are not god fearing people. They only think abouy themselves and use the other person for their own pleasure. A golddigger! Your talking about Nikkah?! These people do not even know how to write it. Divorce her. I know it is not easy because you feel the guilt. Because you also have been wrong sometimes. But brother this is not what you are married for. This is not the situation you want to focus your life on. This shit people will drain your energy and than you will have a health problem. Do your namaaz. Beleive in Allah's decree. Divorce is disliked, but in your case you should divorce. Nowadays it is not as before. Women have become to think the we need them. We need eah other. That is equality.

    It hurts me reading your story. May Allah ease you towards ease.


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