Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife is being unreasonable and demanding and I don’t know what to do

angry wife

Assalam u Alaikum Everyone!

For the ease of everyone and to wrap up fast, I'll write the fast facts:

SUMMER 2008:
I and my wife got married, just the Nikah no reception. The reception (Walima) was supposed to take place when she finishes her education and I  go to the US since her entire family (aunts, uncles and all) are living over there because they couldn’t come for the Nikah neither her parents because it was a really fast decision between the parents and both of us.

She leaves for the US and I come back to Dubai so I can get back to work and make enough money for the reception.

Unfortunately, after returning to work and switching between jobs, the economic crisis hits Dubai and I lose my job...for almost 2 years I've been out of job having no money, no source of income. I was forced to stay with my brother who took care of me all this time.

SUMMER 2009:
Still looking for a job, no money, no source of income but the frustration is growing. Having to live on someone else’s expense is the most torturous experience ever. Day in and day out, my stress reaches my limit. To top that up, my wife would never get over the things from the past during our reception and would complain over and over again giving me more stress. We talk out our issues, I would apologize for everything even though I had not done something wrong but I had to due to someone else’s mistakes in my family but she would start all over again the next month or whenever we fight.

SUMMER 2010:
I am finally offered a job in KSA which is REALLY good and I am going there Insha Allah in a couple of weeks time but now she is asking me to divorce her and not ready for me to wait until I have enough money for the wedding which I am sure I can make in about 3-4 months. She is threatening me that she’ll speak to the US authorities and tell them that I am some sort of dehshatgard and they’ll make my life a living hell in their prisons. I told her if this is what’s going to make you happy I have no problem because I am ready to die for my Aaqa Sallahu Alaihay Wa’alihay Wasallam’s deen whenever needed. She says I'm lucky not to be with her otherwise she'd cut me herself into 100s of pieces and feed me to the dogs.

1. Not being together for the past 2+ years
(how could I've been because I was told by the banks here in Dubai when I lost my job that they had filed police cases against me for not paying them back the credit card money but like 3 months ago I came to know that Alhamdolillah I do not have any cases and I can fly so now I started processing my US immigration)
Mind my dear readers that her US passport was NEVER EVER my reasoning to marry her. If I needed the passport I could’ve done that long time ago when I came here in Dubai back in 05. I am very happy with my Green passport and proud of it no matter what the world says or think about it.

1. She uses abusive language when she is pissed off. She used the ‘B***ch’ word for my mom, used cheap language against my sisters and calls me 40 year old bald, impotent, gay, pansy, a**hole, kameena etc.
2. Having no money and no job (obviously), loads of responsibilities and had to live on my brother’s expenses all this time in Dubai.
3. Her complaining attitude every time we fight and she'd bring up all the bad stuff from the past that we had spoken about over and over again.

She is asking me to divorce her just because I couldn’t make it there when she was asking me to. She wants the haq mehar as well otherwise she’ll do what I mentioned above or she'd speak to her family’s relatives that are linked in the underworld and get me killed no matter where I am in the world. This is true, it has happened to some other people as well. She is not listening to anyone or anything…all she is asking for is a divorce.

Can you please advise in the light of Islamic teachings?
1. Am I bound to pay her the haq meher and the gold when she is the one asking for the divorce?
2. Am I bound to Divorce her when she and her family are ok with it but I am not and ready to make things better?

You have absolutely no idea how it is to live in another country with no job and no money and on top of everything - 'Responsibilities'. Not only that, you can’t fly out because you are banned and if go to the airport they’ll get my record for wanted and take me to prison straight away.

I am just totally shattered but the saddest part of all this is that I am about to start a new job Insha Allah in a couple of weeks’ time but she doesn’t care.

Please help...please advise...I am really really sorry for a long question.


- aamir

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11 Responses »

  1. Umm just one question, why do you want to live with a person who disrespects you & your family ?
    And obviously only wants you (or wanted you) for financial reasons ???


    • SamIra:
      I wanted to be with her and live the rest of my life with her was because we had our relationship starting from 2004 and since then we had faced so many problems in getting married, a lot of people didn't even wanted us to get married and tried every dirty trick in the book to not let this happen...

      I tried ignoring her Borderline/Narcissictic personality disorder but now it seems pretty impossible for me to go down that road because the damage is just too grave plus i am in KSA now (after staying jobless for almost 2 years in Dubai) where life is not what it is back home or in the US so adjusting for someone who has lived in the US, EU or Dubai is really hard unless you truly "Love" the person...

      Thank you for reading my question and your comment.


  2. As-salamu alaykum brother,

    I'm just going to go through your post and offer some thoughts as I go:

    1. A Walimah is not such a hugely important affair that you must work to save money for it and delay it for years. That makes no sense at all. Of course the Walimah is an important Sunnah, but it's sufficient to have a small dinner and invite those people who are local and can attend. I don't know if it is your wife who expected a lavish Walimah, or both of you, but I think your priorities were misguided from the start. A marriage is supposed to be about sharing love, worshiping Allah together, and helping each other, not about creating burdens and showing off.

    2. Being out of work and having to rely on someone else is stressful. I sympathize with you and I am happy for you, Alhamdulillah, that you found a job now.

    3. Your wife's threat to report you as a terrorist (I guess that is the meaning of "dehshatgard"?), and her comment about cutting you in pieces and feeding you to the dogs, are just outrageous. What kind of a person says such things? Clearly there is zero love and trust between you, even less than zero. I mean, the comment about the dogs made me laugh (sorry) because it's such a ridiculously vile thing to say.

    4. Again, the abusive language that she uses for you is so extremely disrespectful, so inappropriate for a Muslim, so improper for a wife, that I don't know how you can remain married to such a person.

    Conclusion: You and she have never lived together, have not built any kind of loving relationship, and have no children. My advice to you is to give her what she wants. Divorce her, and return her mahr. Then do your best to forget about her.

    Alhamdulillah that you found a new job. In time, when your heart is healed and settled, you can find and marry a Muslim woman with a good heart who will treat you with respect. When you do find such a woman, don't make the same mistakes. Don't go live in one country while she is in another. The two of you should be together, and stay together. Don't put yourself into debt by spending too much money, or placing such a huge emphasis on having a fancy wedding or Walimah. Find someone with a simple heart and a good soul who does not care about such things.

    Wael Editor

  3. sorry to hear your sad story you better off leaving this woman even though you love her sometimes is not enough for some people may you find happiness and peace.

  4. Why do you want to make things better with this woman? She obviously doesn't want you back. Brother Wael's advice is very good.

    As for her rights for her huq mahr. Just give her the money and have it over and done with, you don't want to face her on the day of judgement even one penny in debt to her.

  5. i agree with every1 ,u luv da person as they r not wat they r ,she doesnt knw how lucky she iz som women r belind doesnt see wat they hav ,there r many fish in da see brov may allah giv u da 1 who dreaves u n treastz u writz

  6. i agee she doesnt lov u only wants ur money,be over and dun wid her.she is very rude and disrespective of u and ur family.she doesnt hav a clue about being a good wife and the duties dat cum wid it.start fresh wid someone who wants u and not how much is in ur bank

  7. Why the heck would you, OR ANY SANE MAN IN THE WORLD, would want to live with such a ditch at the first place?!?!

    Trust me broh, if she is being like this "before Marriage" she will make your life a living hell after you're with her.

    Find someone with a "sweet mouth" inshaAllah.

    Find someone with emaan, inshaAllah. This lady does not seem any where close to being a Muslimah.

    Find someone who 'understands'. If mean if all of us here can understand your position, your spouse should be way more understanding, don't you think?

    I think you should divorce her, find some nice Pakistani or may be Arab lady inshaAllah who could perhaps teach you arabic too ^_^

    And then get married and pray for the success of marriage inshaAllahu Ta'aala.

    Wa aalaikum us salam wr wb.

  8. Well to be honest i am just very shocked at this point...i cant believe how narrow minded this woman is. I mean did she marry you for your money or did she actually legitimately love you, Think about that!!! it's one thing to be materialistic and shallow , but it's another to disrespect and be little a person like how she's treating you THAT"S ABSOLOUTLY UNACCEPTABLE.

    I think that if she wasn't there for you when you were at your worst, then she sure doesn't deserve you when your at your seem like a very decent man, and i think that you shouldn't waste any more time with this woman, now you should focus on finding a REAL SOULMATE, one that's down for thick and thin.

    Good luck and may Allah bless you

  9. salam. i think there are some problems in the basics. whenever we start wrong, we end-up wrong. loving a women before marriage is not wrong if it comes from family or community way. but dating, calling etc is not pretty Islamic. so when we do such, we lose our focus. we start with sins, how come we end up with blessings. the first thing to do is apologize to God for breaking His law, and to self for self-destructive practice.

    next, is to, in my opinion, give it a try, if it is practical to do so. however, in this case when things are so complicated, there is so much emotional baggage on both of you, that if anyone try to make it better, other person will defy it. it's wiser to have a third person mediator to listen to both of you and give an advice which you both follow. otherwise, the easier way is to move-on. world is full of good humans. we just need one to get married to. also let find one.

    In either case, learn from the mistakes. i wish u a good lick

  10. Sounds like your wife and my ex are cousins. When we were married my wife used to tell me she would put me on the streets with empty pockets. Personally regardless what you went through to get married that is not the life to live.

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