Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife doesn’t listen to me, is rude, disobedient, and spends all time at her parent’s place.

angry wife

Salam brothers,

I want to address this issue and I ask you the guidance in this matter as I dont know where to go and ask. I mean I can ask but then people will know the matter which I don't want them to know who are around me.

I have been married since 2 years and for 6 months she was good enough with me as we were living separately in different state leaving my parents we had good times there. But her mother and her sister bothers me alot which at first I was thinking will get OK but later I discovered that time will never come.

She loves her parents and even I do, and she is more attached to her father. Her father was a great man, he expired recently, I loved him very much as he was a very honest and decent man I respect him a lot.

My wife does not stay with me at my house. This is my problem as her mother keeps on calling her every one or two days saying that she is not feeling well or father not feeling well her sister not feeling well etc etc. This disturbs my house as every time my relatives comes and ask for her she is not there to meet them.

I need her she is not there for me, no house work she does except one time cooking. over to that she tries to dominate me and she tries to show me down saying its not my fault that I am a girl. I ask her to respect me as I am her husband.

She goes to her house taking my permission but when I say that I require you now here as someone has invited us over some place for dinner but she refuses and does not consider my emergencies. She should give priority to this house after marriage I suppose, I am also ready to help her in these situations also asking her to come over for few hours then I will drop you back but she denies saying that my mother needs me after my father has died.

Then I asked her what about me then? Who will take care of me? My things, my house, she does not give me any answers to that instead she changes topic or start argument over another topic. She is very argumentative I just don't know what to do?

At times, I feel really frustrated because of her mother and her sister. I tried to talk to them also thrice but they just say that they are alone females. Her sister is married with two kids and her sister's husband is living with her sister only at her place with her mother.

She thinks and tells me that see her jiju (brother-in-law) is so nice he has left his house for her beloved and mother in law. I know the truth behind it and that is her sister is divorced once from another man and remarried to this man and she has no good terms with he mother in law. She created so much scene that is the reason he left his mother and also because he cannot afford a rented house. So he is living free now with everything no expanses at all.

My wife goes to her house every alternate day or daily also at times. stays there for 10 days or more. I am abandoned for so many days having no one to talk to as a wife, friend, someone who I can say is mine.

Please help me what to do? I am really fed up of this life please show me a way or give me some advice.

- kashif7


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117 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM
    i HAVE SEEN THESE TYPE OF WIVES MAKE LIFE A HELL BECAUSE IF ATTACHMENT OF PARENTS-

    SEING YOUR DELIMA YOU CAN JUST THREATEN WITH 2ND MARRIAGE OR DIVORCE ns see the reaction may this injection will open her mind to realities of life and she will mend her ways or else as i have seen the husband have left these type of women after bearing for very long periods-

    and remarried and are happy today with 2nd wife children and the ones who gave problem likw yr wife have suffered and regretted but its no use of later regret.
    diosobedeinet wife a
    CURSE FOR THE HOUSE AS IT DIVIDES THE FAMILY FOR NO FAULT OF THE HUSBAND-SO BEARING FOR VERY LONG TTIME WILL BE WRONG TO BEAR AS ISLAM SAYS THAT WIVES MUST BE OBEDIENT TO HUSBANDS AT ANY COST-
    How Wives Should Treat Their Husbands

    Men don’t need love as much as women do. But what men do need is respect. Men will fight each other over perceived disrespect. So it is important that a woman always show respect towards her husband.

    Respect means to hold someone in esteem or honor. What men most want from their wives is to be honored and respected. The easiest way to turn your husband against you is to attack his ego.

    And on the other side, the more respect you show your husband, the more he will love you.

    The command to respect your husband comes from Allah in the Quran when He says:

    So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard.

    Surah Nisaa Verse 34.

    And from the hadith:

    When any woman prays her five, fasts her month, guards her body and obeys her husband, it is said to her: ‘Enter paradise from whichever of its doors you wish.’” Collected by At-Tirmidhi.

    So you see that the primary commandment for a woman towards her husband is to respect him through obedience and modesty.

    And it so happens that when a woman increases her respect for her husband, he likewise increases in love for her.

    And when a man increases his love for his wife, she likewise increases in respect for him.

    It Takes Two To Make A Marriage Work
    Chances are if you ask a man why he doesn’t show more love to his wife, he would say: “I will love her more when she respects me more.”

    • Really great answer. I believe each and every word you said. I always wanted a little respect from wife but she always takes me lightly and ignores all that I say. I always try to support her when she seems to be upset and there is nothing I leave to fulfill all her demands. I think some idiot women don't value the love given for free. When they are made to long for the love, may be they will try to lure the husband, I guess. In-laws are sometimes pain in the a**.

      Thanks for the nice reply.

      • Aslam-u-alikum,

        Dear I am also suffering from the same problems which have made my life a hell. In my case mother father and brothers of my wife all are playing role. Any how mother of my wife is the main player. I have done so much for to make my home but nothing happen.

        1. On my first night I put my head on her foots that please be happy. I have no mistake due to which you are angry. The mistake is of your Mamu and if you think that its my mistake then tell me, but she replied no you have no mistake. But why don't you said to my mamu for not to do that?

        2. I had been arrested by police on calling the police by my wife. She was at her mother home and argue that I don't want to go with him so arrest him as he is insisting me to go with him to his home.

        3. I said her that please complete your degree as you had said me before marriage. She gave the exam and become fail. I said to her that look what you had done. I was not expecting that your are not hard working. On saying this she call to her brother and brother start abusing me and trying to fight me and take my wife with him.

        many things happend in just 7 months and now I keep quite. Now I am silent. Now Allah will decide that what to do. I keep my love for her in the depth of my heart. because she never need it. Hahahahaha ......................That true it is impossible to understand the women. She orderd me to leave my mother and If I asked to her that what my mother has said to you? she replied that nothing but I dont live with her.

        Allah you are great, looking every one's act and know the conditions and planning of every one. No doubt you do justice always.

        • guys we are from the same league, I guess. Similar story here. but you have to be tough or at least act tough. In our religion man is given only one freedom that is polygamy and the liberals and feminists are bent upon taking that away( although they will feel the heat once the population gap between males and females gets more pronounced). Another option is divorce, but I feel that you shouldn't be taking that decision, however, threatening for a divorce should be on cards in this situation.

          • Zafar, you have submitted 11 comments today and I find most of them to be one-sided, angry and misogynistic. Your tone is "us vs. them." The "poor noble man" vs. the feminist losers. That's not helpful or needed here. Ask yourself whether that attitude has helped or harmed your own marriage?

            Anyway, I'm deleting most of your comments.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Allah swt is All-Powerful & Great. Allah swt has infinite power that He can exert over His creations in a time-frame incomprehensible to us.

            To think that some men (or women) would make statements that you have made is very disappointing. Real power and real manhood is not about exerting power over others, but rather, it is about having the strength to withhold the abuse of that power over loved ones. Real power and real manhood is less about exerting power and more about having the wisdom to know how to use one's power properly rather than in childish whims.

            If this is too feminist for you, that is your problem and burden alone.

        • Asalamu alaikum

          Brother, life is short. I was once in a relationship with a woman who mistreated me. For four years I hoped she would change. She even said she would change too. But no, same garbage again and again. I reflected, can she change? How many years of my limited life can I give this woman to change? I had no kids with her so I cut her loose. It was hard to do and part of me wanted to reconsile but it would have not been fair to me and my life. I was born with out her and I will die without her.

          Most importantly you have to be selfish for your afterlife and this woman most likely wont help you with it. If anything she may cause you to sin from all the drama she puts you through.

          Find a woman that will enhance your good deeds. Remember a woman will pass down these characteristics to her children. You don't want the unborn men of the future to suffer your wifes venom through your decendands.

          Man up there are plenty of women out there.

          • On all things that Allah s.w.t allowed on his creation, divorce is the one that Allah dislikes the most.
            Divorce should be the very last thing. Not because of her but for the sake of Allah s.w.t
            Also keep in mind that woman are like your shadow the more you follow the more they run away, as soon as you walk away from it, it follows you.
            And remember the importants that woman are our mothers, sisters, wifes and doughters.

        • I agree in laws are pain in the ass not sometimes but always. I mean husbands family of course.

        • ASALAM U ALAIKUM

          if you think this is not fair and her brother and mother are unfair to you then tell them that you dont wannt live with her any more so kindly i m giving her divorce and talk to them confidently 2nd now a thing that you must understand is that dicorce in islam is not like TALAK TALAK TALAK 1st talak done and then the other the other month and the 3rd in the 3rd month so tell her i dont wanna live with you here is the first talak i m giving you and i m in all my senses and perfectly fine and honeslty i wanna give this relation one last chance that is why you have 2 months to think about that kindly think and let me know and brother if you leave her just like that she would feel free to do what ever she likes ofwhat ever her parents her brother taught to her so kindly take a stand .. may ALLAH help you AMEEN ASALAM U ALAIKUM

    • Are you serious? Threaten her with a divorce / second marriage? Men with such a loose character like that disgust me. If you threatened her with a second marriage, it would be clear to her that you do not truly love her nor respect at all. It's more like "Oh, you're not a good enough servant, I'm firing you and replacing you with another." Had it been me, I would've left the guy right away. Best way to make her believe you're not loyal after all. What if the genders were reversed, and it was the wife threatening with a divorce and / or marrying somebody else? Narrow-minded people would believe she has a loose character. The husband should be just as obedient as a wife, it's a two way street. A wife isn't your dog.

      Anyways. The wife isn't meant to be babying you, you're a grown up man, you should be able to look after yourself. She shouldn't be obligated to cook, she's not your mother. My father doesn't only work for 12 hours, but also contributes by doing the house chores (cleaning and cooking) when he can. So having a job is no excuse for you to not help her - after all, it is your house too. Though it is very inappropriate of her to not contribute to the marriage at all, if that is the case.

      Also, I think it's very ignorant and manipulative to believe that just because she is married, she shouldn't have any other priorities other than her husband. She has responsibilities towards her family too. But she should be able to learn to manage her time correctly. It is wrong of her to neglect her husband, and vice versa, it would be also wrong of her to neglect her family.

      Communication is the key, just talk to her lovingly. If she cares to work through the relationship, she will be willing to sit down and talk through - as long as it doesn't involve arguing. Listen to her, and vice versa. Acting like a 'tough macho man' by threatening her isn't going to help anything, but instead - worsen things. Don't listen to the idiots suggesting to threaten, that's the worst thing to do if you want to make this work. Be a peace maker, not a home breaker.

      Gosh, women with disobedient husbands are so much more patient and tolerant - why can't most men be the same way?

      • Sister Aleena!
        Who has by the way given you the right to address someone in this way. Who has told you to abuse that person by calling him an "Idiot". Who are you to asses someones character and calling him a loose character man.

        Do you have any sane mind and rational thinking ability. Did you not read the sufferings that gentlemen is going through?? are you out of your senses?

        And by the way who are you to transgress Allah's established limits and declaring the She has equal rights between her parents and her husband.

        Madam! please go and read about it first. A wife can not even leave home without the permission of her Husband even if her father is on death bed. The prophet (PBUH) even had said that if it would have been permissible to prostrate before anyone else than Allah I would have commanding Women to prostrate before your Husbands.

        Fear Allah and try to accept the divine law, otherwise I am only sympathetic to the man you'll be marrying.

        • Assalaamualaikam

          There is no need to insult people because you disagree with them. If you are concerned that someone else might be doing that, that still is no excuse for doing it yourself.

          And, by the way, women do have equal rights - the rights and responsibilities of men and women differ in some respects, but that does not mean one is inferior to the other - rather, it reflects the variations in physical and psychological attributes between the two sexes.

          Please refrain from posting sexist or insulting comments in future.

          Midnightmoon
          IslamicAnswers.com editor

          • To me, 'Adil' seems like a dummy poster, it makes no sense when someone is replying to comments made 1-2 yrs ago on the site, may be he wants to annoy and irritate the sisters who actively defend women's rights on the forum 🙂

          • I, completely agree with you.

        • The prophet (PBUH) even had said that if it would have been permissible to prostrate before anyone else than Allah I would have commanding Women to prostrate before your Husbands.

          Brother, Why then were women not commanded to do so?

          • Well Sister I can't teach you and make you understand sanity and wisdom in this Hadith, if you are unable to get clear meanings out of it. May Allah guide us all.

          • I can't teach

            That is rather clear from your attitude towards women.

            With a name such as yours, you should have at least tried to do JUSTICE if you were going to post such things with no background information and taken out of context.

          • sister,
            prostration is only for the sake of Allah, for Allah, why did the best muslims (Sahabas) not prostrate in front of a prophet (Mohammad, sallallahualaihewasallam)? why is there no ruku or sajda in prayer for the deceased? Instead of applauding the sister for incorrect view i request you to focus your efforts learning about Tawheed, basic pillar of Islam, please sit with sheik and learn "KITABUTAWHEED".

          • ayubi, sister Saba knows that. Her question was rhetorical.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Aleena, This must be the first sensible thing I've read on the page. I'm glad you took the time out to balance the male ego fest around here. Thanks.

        • There is no use for applause but only tears. With position like yours woman just can not be happy. The marriage consists of a needs of woman in man and of needs of man in woman. There is no marriage possibility if woman is not goving man why he martied her. Man NEEDS respect in a family. Man is a King at house! Woman is a proncess. But princess for who if there is no man at house? So woman must be great eduacted and concious in order to be able to preseve the family.
          To me, Aleena, your texts and writing reminds me uncoltural behaviours of the western civilzation who has put so much effort to cut down the origin rights of woman with fake ones you think about and right about.
          I wish peace to everyone and power for wifes to gain knowledge to respect their husbands otherways to many dicorced families will accour.

      • None of your fault sister. You have gone so far way with dajjal that things have entirely different meanings for you. Your words are not for the men they are a comment upon religion and like questioning it.

      • women with ego,always a problem.she should think that she and her husband is seperate world.and has nothing to do with inlaws.u can respect vist them,but not bow to them.
        women is given max of 50yrs of sexual life.and she forgets this,and fights for no reason.
        its two way always.give respect take respect.
        but in most of the cases 95% cases,its women a culprit.pity that they dont want change.
        as,its said in Quran,he/she who follows islam strictly,5 pillars,and respects her husband goes to paradise.
        which some devil type of women,just forgets.its just in recent years,the women are also working.but their ego is destroying them.
        they were better in the past,than now.literacy they learn is not suitable for life,but suitable for job.
        they imply on life and going astray..may Allah help all of us...

    • Very true asessment Ali ... thats bulls eye

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    after reading your post akhi i can understand you are going through distress. a marriage is 50/50 commitment from both partys, if one side doesnt put in effort, then its high chance for a marriage to fail.

    i can understand she is attched to her mother, but she is not even making an effort to keep you happy. you said "she tries to dominate me and she tries to show me down saying its not my fault that I am a girl", " instead she changes topic or start argument over another topic. She is very argumentative" and "My wife goes to her house every alternate day or daily also at times.stays there for 10 days or more"

    clearly you can tell she doesnt care about you or your needs.

    if she is not willing to compromise and make things better, there is no need for you to be with her, simple as that cos you dont need all that drama. you have needs to. akhi there are so many good sisters out there looking for a good spouse.

    akhi explain to her exactly how you feel, and if she doesnt listen then tell her its best to go our seperate way, she will then realise you are serious.

    ma salama

  3. Assalamualaikum,

    I would agree with brother Ali on the point that you should threaten her with divorce. You are her husband and you happen to be her first priority.

    At no cost can she disobey you when your demands are within the bounds and limits of the Sharee'ah.
    You haven't stopped her from visiting her mother, so, I say you are not wrong. But staying for such long is not sensible.

    But I would like to ask when the father died. If it was recently (meaning a month or so) then let 4 months and 10 days pass and don't stop your wife, because the situation of her mother is understood. But if this period has passed, then she could occasionally visit her and not ignore you totally.

    I would advise you to learn the rights your wife has over you and show her the following:

    Qualities of the Righteous Wife Surah An-Nisa' 4:34 34. Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means.

    Therefore the righteous women are Qanitat, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard. (part Ayat) Allah said,

    Therefore, the righteous women, are Qanitat, obedient to their husbands, as Ibn `Abbas and others stated. and guard in the husband's absence.

    As-Suddi and others said that it means she protects her honor and her husband's property when he is absent, and Allah's statement, what Allah orders them to guard. means, the protected [husband] is the one whom Allah protects.

    Ibn Jarir recorded that Abu Hurayrah said that the Messenger of Allah said, The best women is she who when you look at her, she pleases you, when you command her she obeys you, and when you are absent, she protects her honor and your property.

    Then, the Messenger of Allah recited the Ayah, Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, until its end.

    Imam Ahmad recorded that `Abdur-Rahman bin 'Awf said that the Messenger of Allah said,

    If the woman prayed her five daily prayers, fasted her month, protected her chastity and obeyed her husband, she will be told, 'Enter
    Paradise from any of its doors you wish.' (Tafsir ibn Kathir)

    If she doesn't agree, then threaten her with divorce, but don't say that you divorce, out of anger. You could later regret.

    May Allah Help you

    Aameen
    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. ASSALAMALAIKUM MUHAMMAD WASEEM-
    but don't say that you divorce, out of anger. You could later regret.
    I HAVE NOTED THIS AND WANTED TO CLARIFY THIS WITH YOU SO THAT ALL READERS MUST KNOW THE ISLAMIC CONCEPT OF TALAQ MINUS THE MADHABS/MASLAKHS INNOVATIONS-

    WAITING PERIOD WITH STAYING IN THE HUSBANDS HOUSE IS STRONGLY TOLD IN THE QURAN-65:
    1]O Prophet, when you divorce women, divorce them for their waiting-period, *1 and compute the waiting period accurately, *2 and hold Allah, your Lord, in awe. Do not turn them out of their homes (during the waiting period) – nor should they go away (from their homes) *3– unless they have committed a manifestly evil deed. *4 Such are the bounds set by Allah; and he who transgresses the bounds set by Allah commits a wrong against himself. You do not know: maybe Allah will cause something to happen to pave the way (for reconciliation). *5
    "If you have to divorce your wives, you should divorce them till the expiry of their waiting-period".[3 menstruation periods] [ONE TALAQ IN ONE MONTH IN WHICH &ONE PERIOD PASSES CONDITIONALLY STAYING IN THE HUSBANDS HOUSE WHICH IS AN OPEN OPTION FOR RECONCILLATION AS PER THE LIMITATIONS IN QURAN BY ALLAH]
    The intention of this verse is further explained by a few other Ahadith which have been reported from the Holy prophet (upon wham be Allah's peace) ai d some of the major Companions. Nasa'i has related that the Holy Prophet was infomed that a person had pronounced three divorces on his wife in one sitting. He stood up in anger and said:'`Are the people playing with the Book of Allah,although I am present among you?"Seeing the Holy Prophet's extreme anger on this occasion, a person asked: Should I not go and kill the man?" If this Divine Command is rightly followed, no one will regret after having pronounced divorce, for if divorce is pronounced in this way, there remains room for reconciliation within the waiting. period, and even after the expiry of the waiting-period the possibility remains that the separated husband and wife may remarry if they wish reconciliation,
    HADEES VERSION ON TALAQ-
    Abu Sahba' said to Ibn 'Abbas (Allah be pleased with them): Do you know that three (divorces) were treated as one during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him), and that of Abu Bakr, and during three (years) of the caliphate of Umar (Allah be pleased with him)? Ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with them) said: Yes. (Muslim Book #009, Hadith #3492)

    PROPHETS SALALAHUALAIHIWASALAMS VERSION ON THE QURAN ORDERS-
    The intention of this verse is further explained by a few other Ahadith which have been reported from the Holy prophet (upon wham be Allah's peace) ai d some of the major Companions. Nasa'i has related that the Holy Prophet was infomed that a person had pronounced three divorces on his wife in ane sitting. He stood up in anger and said:'`Are the people playing with the Book of Allah, although I am present among you?" Seeing the Holy Prophet's extreme anger on this occasion, a person asked: `Should I not go and kill the man?"

  5. Instead of demanding that she stay with you, try to convince her lovingly. The key is to be LOVING rather than DEMANDING. Just tell her you miss her and want her to be with you. Don't force her, otherwise she will run the opposite direction. If she goes to her mother's house, call her often while she's there and tell her you miss her. DO NOT THREATEN DIVORCE OR SECOND MARRIAGE. That will drive her away.

  6. my situation is the same i told my wife so many times not to sty at her parents house but she still goes am fed up to i say go during the day but b home when i am home but she just argues no no1 can stop me not even you and it really hurts i love her very very dearly but when she be's at home she ignores me doesnt let me touch her she went a few days ago to her mothers house during the day and now shes gone for a few days how can i stop her i am a human who need time with my wife too its our second marriage for both of us we had a argument once before but that was my mistake but ive asked for forgivness and she has forgiven me from her heart but shes doing things in such a way which annoys me i cant take it nemore yes fair enough she should go to her parents house shes got the right but not to stay and leave me alone for a few days am fed up of this now please reply jazaq allah

  7. and i have said it in a lovingly way i never tryed to say to her in a harsh way or rudley

  8. And what if upon threatening such a kind a wife for "Divorce" and she still not fears and says " Fine go ahead i have my parents to support me"

    Then what to do?

    • Take the bitter pill. Divorce her. Believe me that's the best option. Give her first Divorce. She may take you seriously then, if not , that means she doesn't deserve a home and a husband.

      Allah will give you peace In Sha Allah. You'll soon recover. And there are many good and Allah fearing girls out there. You'll get some good partner

      • God Adil what is it you eat? If all went your way you'd have men divorcing their wives left and right.

        • what if you when ever you try to tell your wife to respect here own parents and she curses your parents and when you argue with here to stop this and she takes you children and say they are mine and go to hell and starts cursing the husband. then she goes on hitting the kids and the husband grabs the kids and say do not hit them or i will call 911 she does it again he grab the kid and take here up stairs and wife comes and slaps him 3 to 4 times and wife parents come on cursing here and pushing here away -------- it is 1 story i am telling that happens they have been many like these tried solve them forgive them again after 3 days when husband is not talking to here she starts beating here child and start cursing here husband and his parents and he listens and do not answer ----- what to do sister in this case as she never prayers . never reads quran never thanks Allah- when you tell here to do so she says its not your job go to hell --- ok she says why should she pray Allah does not answer here prayers ---- what do you say about that - even her parents said we for give you if you give divorce to here - but i say my kids will suffer in this and do not want them to suffer- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ now will ask what does this hadith say read the last part
          Now let us see what are the consequences of a woman not obeying her husband and not keeping him happy?
          Narrated Abdullah bin Abbas (RA): During the lifetime of Allah’s Messenger (PBUH), the sun eclipsed, Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) offered the Salat (of eclipse) and so did the people along with him. He performed a long Qiyam during which ‘Surah Al-Baqarah’ could have been recited; then he performed a prolonged bowing, then he raised his head and stood for a long time which was slightly less than that of the first Qiyam. Then he performed a prolonged bowing again, but the period was shorter than the period of the first bowing, then he stood up and then prostrated. Again he stood up, but this time the period of standing was less than the first standing. Then he performed a prolonged bowing but of a lesser duration than the first, then he stood up again for a long time but for a lesser duration than the first. Then he performed a prolonged bowing but of lesser duration than the first, and then he stood up again, and then prostrated and then finished his Salat. By then the sun eclipse had cleared. The Prophet (PBUH) then said, “The sun and the moon are two signs among the signs of Allah, and they do not eclipse because of death or birth of someone, so when you observe eclipse, remember Allah.” They (the people) said, “O Allah’s Messenger (PBUH)! We saw you stretching your hand to take something at this place of yours, then we saw you stepping backward.” He said, “I saw Paradise, and I stretched my hand to pluck a bunch (of grapes), and had I plucked it, you would have eaten of it as long as this world exists. Then I saw Hell (Fire), and I have never seen such a horrible sight as that before, and I saw that the majority of its dwellers were women.” The people asked, “O Allah’s Messenger (PBUH)! What is the reason for that?” He replies, “Because of their disbelief.” It was said, “Do they disbelieve in Allah (are they ungrateful to Allah)?” He replied, “They are ungrateful to their husbands and ungrateful to Al-Ihsan (good favours done to them). Even if you do good to one of them all your life, when she sees something (not of her liking) from you, she will say: I have never seen any good from you.”

          now going further what does really husband ask ---------- to cook food for him and take care of children and have relation with him in bead ------ if a person just asks those is it not just to ask from a wife --- he does not ask to go to his parents tack care of the send money to them or any favor for them then sister ----- sister as there are bad men there are bad women as well and we have to solve the problem not say women rights and husband rights -------ii more question that occurs in my mind plz do take it personal let me know if you are married what are the most things that you would like in your husband -- to be caring - taking care of your needs and your kids needs and loving you and your family -- or is there any thing else that i missed plz do point it out ---- i can talk on this topic for hours and have studies many things in details but it is what it is I pray that every one gets the right person in there life because it is a test that Allah sets upon you and its how we sussed it - May Allah for give our sins and guide us to the right path Ameean

        • Slam sister I want to ask you some thing what should sm1 do if their,s wife tell them that the person she used to love before but couldn't get marry she still talking to him

          • Salaam Brother Kashif,

            If a wife tells her husband that she is still talking to her previous lover then the husband has to give her two options.

            1.If the wife wants to live with the husband then she has to stop all contacts with the previous lover. No calls and no text messages will be tolerated. She has to completely cut off her previous lover if she wants to live with her current husband. Also she has to realize the sin she has committed and ask forgiveness from the husband and ask forgiveness and repent to Allah.

            2.If the wife cannot stop contact with the ex lover or if she is still interested in marrying the ex lover then the husband should divorce the wife as soon as possible. It's no good living a life where the wife is giving attention to another man other than her husband.

            Also, study the hadith below, and consult some Islamic Scholars,

            Ammar bin Yasir (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the prophet (p.b.u.h) said “there are three people who will not enter paradise: a dayuth , a woman who imitates men, and an alcohol addict”.

            Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allah (p.b.u.h) said: ‘There are three who will not enter Paradise and Allah will not even look at them on the Day of Resurrection: one who disobeys his parents, a woman who imitates men, and the dayyuth .”

            Bin Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the prophet (p.b.u.h) said “there are three individuals who are prohibited from entering paradise: an alcohol addict, one who ill-treats his parents, and a dayuth who approves filth in his family."

            By not giving her a divorce and keeping her although you know she is in contact with her ex lover you are basically a dayyuth. So beware of living life as a dayyuth and take action after consulting some muftis.

            May Allah grant you happiness.

        • Sister Aleena & Sana, women are beautiful, wonderful and loving creatures, but there are some esp in today's world, the wife just doesnt respect her husband, and thats the one important factor that when a man gets, he can be inspired to give all the love to his wife, after all why would he refuse to be loving and good towards his wife when shes respecting him?
          Try and understand, all you women need to give your men is respect, the rest will fall in place and yet women just cant do it, they like complicating everything, they want their way, esp today's world women compare themselves equals to men!simple communication, simple understanding, simple respect, simple everything turns into complications for no reasons whatsoever!!

          Its really frustrating and trying times when a woman has this kind of behaviour which in turn provockes and angers men, eventually fights and arguments escalate into violent and abusive relations!!

          Lets all fear Allah and follow his commandments which are so simple!!

          Wasalams

  9. i dont know what to do

  10. I live in uk and have been married for 10 years and since then not happy. I thought she will change but unfortunately she hasn't. I have 2 kids and don't know how to live without them.

    My wife goes to her parents twice a week. I don't object that. However she doesn't know how to respect a husband. Al-hamdulillah Allah has shown me the right path and I pray regularly. She doesn't pray and sometimes she even doesn't bother to cook food when she is angry with me. I have to work hard for everything but she doesn't understand all this. Only she looks for is to claim the government benefits and in all the arguments she threaten me that she will claim the benefits if I am not around so why would she need me, she says. We live in a council property and she is not even putting my name in the property as joint tenant although I am paying the rent and everything as she never worked.

    Now she insulted me in front of the council lady when I said I want to be joint tenant and when she asked her she says she will decide later.

    My opinion was that she will change one day, now it seems that it was a dream. I have run away couple of times and came back due to my kid. I am seriously thinking to divorce her as she is not gonna change. In any argument she doesn't miss the opportunity to say me to leave her.

    I am seriously thinking to divorce her, please guide me to the right path.

    Thanks brothers

    • You seriously need to leave her. Don't compromise and give the same lesson to your children. At least teach them that one has to fight the unfair and stand up against oppression.

      Don't make your life further miserable'

      And be very careful while selecting some new partner

    • Assalamoalukum

      I need some feedback, I have been married for a year and my wife gets extremely angry.

      I love her, she has a good heart and she is very caring but if I speak to her about something that is upsetting me like her disrespecting my mother or speaking to my mother in a rude manner, she gets extremely angry.

      I compliment her and tell her about her qualities I love so much every other day but if I ever bring up a negative or something she did wrong, she gets extremely angry and unless I just apologize, she does not talk to me or if I try talking about the matter, she tells me to shut up

      She makes fun of me and makes very rude remarks to try to hurt me, she wasn't speaking to me for a week and everyday I have been trying but finally I got angry and said a few things so she started packing up

      I took her car keys and did not return them then she hit me a few times in the face and scratched my neck. I called her father and told him to calm her down and she has no where else to go in this city.

      I am a very patient person but I do not know what to do

      She keeps asking me to move out when I told her clearly before marriage that I will have to always keep my mother with me,

      She has her own room and private washroom. My mother never says a thing to her becouse she knows of her anger.

      I just don't know what to do, I have revolved ny life around her, I work only 5 hours a day and even stopped hanging out with my friends, I give her all my time, take her out every other day. Money is not an issue. But she just wants me to treat her like she is absolutely perfect.

      I just don't know what to do. Very time we get into a little fight she wants to leave the house

      • Next time she starts packing up to leave, let her go. If she wants to return, make it conditional on her attending therapy. You will never change this woman by catering to her selfish attitude. In fact you cannot change her at all. She has to want to change, and that will only happen if she feels she has something to lose.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • thank you and for now her father requested that I let her be in the room, so I slept in a different room but I have all my clothes in that room and I have to keep knocking for her to open the lock so I get what I need,

          Also what if she doesn't return for months the next time she leaves?

          • Also she keeps saying as a husband it's your duty to provide me with a separate home. Am I sinning by not giving her a separate house?

        • She left the house today

          • Assalam alaikum,

            Do you know where she went?
            Let her settle down.

            Seems like she is being abusive to you and controlling you by blackmailing you. What about just talking and solving things civilly?

            Besides, if your mother only has you, your wife needs to be reasonable.

          • I am just thinking of giving her a Divorce, I try talking to her and she keeps saying the most disrespectful things imaginable, I have tried everything and she says u are doing this to prove ur not my dog or something, obviously I am not

        • She went to her sisters house, which is an awful place , shared 3 non Muslims and her sister live there
          There is alcohol drinking , Men coming over, parties
          Main Door is usually left open

          I am just so confused, I have no idea on what to do, all my Co workers and friends are asking about marks all over my neck

          I told her we can both go to counseling together, she agreed at first and then said no after a couple of hours. I made an appointment already and will have to cancel now. My mother says "go ahead separate but also says that mountains can move but a women can't change her ways so do as u wish "

          • If something happens to her there allah will punish me as its my job to protect her, but if I force her to come back she will call the police, only other way is for me to give her what she wants, became a slave and agree to every single thing she says and apologize to her

          • who says that ALLAH will punish you for her to not comming back home its her decision and she is doing all because of her EGO and u have nothing to with that not anymore so kindly tell her that you are going to divorce her thats all and done no need to worry about brother and tell her angerily so she will understand what she is about to loose ASALAM U ALAIKUM

          • khan, I approved two of your comments but I deleted the other two because of bad language and a nasty attitude. If you want to keep posting here, be civil.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. Hi,

    Leaving aside the demanding relatives (her mother calling your wife to come over when she is ill and whatnot - after all, unless her mother is faking it there's not much you can do about that apart from asking other relatives to step in), I think I know what the problem might be.

    I don't know where you are from but I get the impression you ask quite a lot from your wife - there seems to be an expectation for her to cook for you, clean up after you, basically, not to put too fine a point it, to baby you. It may be part of your culture for those things to happen traditionally but that doesn't mean people have to like them. It is entirely possible that she just wants to be treated like a woman and not a servant. Again, I appreciate that this may clash with your cultural values, but for better of worse, this is an aspect of the world we live in, and women don't really expect to (or even need to really in many cases) have that sort of life anymore.

    J

    • Dear John

      I guess you don't have any clue of the situation and the environment. Its because in your culture the situation has gone entirely messed up. First of all, its not about Culture its about Religion. Muslims don't demand from Women much and women and men are equal partners in a marriage.

      Women and men being equal have different responsibilities. Our lord, God almighty (Alllah) has principally designated MAN as PROVIDER for his family (wife and kids). Allah has also placed man as RESPONSIBLE for his women. Conversely Allah has given Women a task to bear the children, look after them and take care of the house man has provided for both of them and kids. Allah has even commanded women NOT TO leave home without the permission of their HUSBAND. Its not the matter of cooking, washing or cleaning John, its about respecting him and accepting his role that Islam has decided for him and her both.

      Women are financially fully covered in Islam and their rights have been taken care of. Islam has nominated in succession as to who all are legally responsible for taking care of ALL THE FINANCIAL & SECURITY NEEDS of women. It begins with father if not alive then brother (adult), if not so the paternal uncles, grandfather then maternal uncles and after marriage the HUSBAND is fully responsible. In case their is no one alive then it becomes the legal responsibility of the STATE to look after the women till the time she gets married. Alas, instead of following ISLAM we have very very unfortunately started following the WESTERN LAWS & CULTURE and relegated the divine commandments. This is where the problem lies in fact.

      John !
      Islam had two motives in that i.e encouraging women to primarily stay at home ,
      1) to protect the modesty of women and not to make her a commodity for the eyes of the men outside and protect her getting nude day by day as happened in the west. In last 100 years west has been reducing the clothes of women to an extant that she has almost entirely become nude for the complete world
      2) Make the women and her beauty exclusively permissible for her Husband only.
      3) Today if muslim women are working in the field is primarily that we have abandoned Islamic teachings and not taken care of our women leaving them at their own

      You know John, the west has made many harassment laws to protect the women and to further encourage them to come out for work and keep getting displayed for men, but, interestingly the data shows that besides all these laws and restrictions the maximum rape cases are occurring in the west and welfare countries like SWEDEN are among the top in the list. You cannot digest this philosophy easily because its an alien one to you. But think about it.

      Statistics show that In the west, particularly in UK, generally a marriage takes place after a girl and a boy has had at least 3 -4 serious relationships in past 10 years. Even after this such marriages have 60% failure record. Now what else "UNDERSTANDING" you require if you are unable to judge and adjust with a guy or a girl after 4 serious relationship and yet getting divorced.

      Now let me tell you about some truth. It is the modern capitalistic system which wants its evil designs of money making to be fulfilled either by hook or by crook. Capitalism wants women to come out because :-
      1) It needs the remaining half of the population to come under tax net.
      2) It wants that women should indulge in beauty and body displays because only then the multibillion dollars cosmetics industry would work, the big entertainment industry would flourish, the nNight life and club culture would flourish, the multibillion dollar fashion industry would flourish and the insanity has gone up to a level that now women are involved in body transplants to look more beautiful and s**y for whom ?? do you think for their husbands,........ sorry man .... its for the public in fact. There is NO END to this insanity.
      3) It wants to break the "motherhood" and make the "statehood". Once the modern mothers go on work the child would be left in the day care centers. It would be rather growing-up in the lap of "state". Seeing and believing that its the state is taking care of him rather the mother. Such child would become a robot not a human being who because he has not felt the lap of mother. Such machines are ideal for the state which require capitalism to flourish and which does not like an emotional and sensible HUMAN BEING capable of rational thinking and questioning...

      My purpose is not to convert your ideas, I know may never agree with me, at least for now.
      My purpose is to give you the Islamic perspective and let you know that a big population in the world do not buy your ideas (as a matter of their FAITH and religion) and reject/hate the western Laws of so called (false) democracy fueled by capitalism.
      I also know that their are large number of my Muslim brothers and sisters ready to reject me as well, because they are entirely lost in the (deceiving) glamour of so called western society through media and sexuality. I pray for my such brothers and sisters that may Allah show them the right path also I pray Allah for you so that he may guide you towards truth (Amin)

      • You seem to have a huge difficulty with women working outside the home. I have some questions then:
        1.how does a woman support herself? Shelter, food, clothing , heat, water, transportation?
        Please remember that not all women get married so they don't always have husbands, or they get divorced, or widowed, or their husbands don't work.
        2. What happens when a father becomes old? Is the daughter supposed to stay at home and demand that her father go out and provide, pay for the expenditures at home, her own expenditures, and that of her mother?
        3. What if the parents need medical supplies, need to go to the doctor frequently, etc? Is the daughter supposed to stay at home and not provide ant financial assistance in paying for these items, instead insisting that the father pay for it all? If the daughter has no experience with the outside works, how is she going to liase and communicate with her father's doctors, the pharmacist, the insurance company etc? And if the father does not wish to drive anymore, doesn't that mean the daughter has to do all the driving as well as maintaining the vehicle such as taking it to a mechanic's shop for oil changes/repairs/tire changes etc?

        Please don't tell me that all of the above falls on the son because as we both know Allah SWT gives children to whom He pleases and sons to whom He pleases. And in dome families the sons are deadbeats. In many families the sons leave the parents to work elsewhere, and then they get married and have children of their own and say they are too busy to deal with #1, 2, 3 above. The scenarios are endless.

        • Valid questions Precious Star.

          In addition, will you take your daughter to a male doctor, since women shouldn't be working?

          Was Hazrat Khadija not a working woman?

          What if some parents don't have a son and only a daughter?--can she not help her parents?

          Blaming the West for our problems is the easiest scapegoat available and conveniently sweeps the reality of our problems in the East under the carpet where they just continue to flourish. You can't solve problems that you refuse to acknowledge.

          • Dear Saba, it comes down to love and understanding. If she is a working woman, then let her be. Personally I don't have that ultraconservative mentality. but thing is, I have seen a number of working woman to work whole day and either they use that salary in partying or donate to her family( yes the very family about which this post points to). they won't do anything at home and would rather boast a lot about their earnings and won't contribute in making her home. Now imagine the husband, he married a working woman to share his / their lifestyle and he might be doing home chorus or at least would have hired chef/batman. Then tell me what is the role of the wife in this marriage?? Now don't tell me what Islam says about the role of wife inside the confines of home. For the husband who chose a wife who didn't have any brother or had some other problems then he should understand but believe me I have seen a number of cases that run absolutely to the contrary.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        From your post, it seems you are assuming John is not Muslim. Where's your evidence for that - we shouldn't jump to such assumptions about people.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

        • Not at all. My comments were addressed to Adil, who is Muslim.

          • Assalaamualaikam

            Apologies, sister - my comment was for Adil, not aimed at yourself.

            I agree and empathise with the points you've made in your comment.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • This is SUPERB answer. It contains everything everyone who has watched MTV should read and think about. Anways - also I am a one more looser made by it' loose wife. My wife is deistespecting and disobeying me. Telling it to me at least once a month for a last year (we are together 4 years, have baby 2 years) and I DI NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO TOO.
        Its a big pain. Due to fights with her I lack energy in work, my partners think Im doing some drugs once Im always busy with something stupid, I can not accomplish my business tasks on time just because Im waisting time in explenations of that what her mother should explain her.
        Yesterday she was keeping telling me for half day how much she hates me and that she wants to divorce. So no threats of my side are possible. She has already throwed away our marriage ring for tenth of times. Yesterday I could not hold myself. After she told me 3 times Im not her husband (but im not cheating, im working, she is a hoisewife, no earning duties where ever giving to her) I just took a towel and slaped her on her face for those words. Because doesnt matter already she goes or not - to anyone - man or woman - such a disrespect deserves a pubishment. And to all of you NATO girls commenting your wicked comments of ignorance - you will never find a husband or marriage untill you will think differently. You marry a guy because of his balls. So dont cut them off - otherways - why did you needed a husband.
        Respect is a QUALITY of a clean woman who can apply it as a weapon on her tabk - her husband.

        • Assalam alaikum,

          Just because you are having problems in your marriage, doesn't mean that all women are like your wife. Being a housewife may not earn money, but it would sure be saving you a lot. If you had to hire professional help to do the work of a housewife, you would feel the pain of writing that cheque.

          Frankly, I found the language towards the end of your post quite offensive--perhaps this is the cause of your marital issues?

        • I'm wondering how many times previous to this that you have slapped your wife. Do you often make her feel guilty for being a housewife while you earn money?

          Perhaps this is why she hates you. You will never find another wife unless you change your ways.

      • Just a small question you can ponder, you don't need to reply: Where do you think rape and sexual harassments will be reported to the court most often, in a country where women are believed when they make the report, helped and respected and the perpetrator punished with no stain on the woman victim, or in a country where a woman who reports a rape or sexual harassments will be disbelieved, shamed, called a whore and maybe even punished for zina after having been raped while the rapist goes clear? Huh?? And second question: If more women report rape in the first kind of country I describe, like SWEDEN as you say, does that really mean that more women are actually raped there than in e.g. Pakistan, Egypt or Iraq? Huh? Chew on that along with some logics!

    • Thank you John, I appreciate the concept (radical though it might seem to some people) that women don't necessarily have to pick up after men anymore. If a guy wants a servant I'm sure he can hire one, and it'l cost a fraction of what a wedding will.

  12. Really ?? No woman wants to be treated as a second class citizen!! You people need to move forward
    not backwards !!!

  13. Our Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said (mafhoom-e-Hadees), that when i went up above skies on night of Miraaj, i saw the Jahanam's door. I saw that most of people entering the Jahanam were women. I asked Jibrail angle, what was their sin? Jibrai (the angle) replied "the women who are going into Jahanm (fire) are due to two sins, one they are disobidient to their husbands, second they abuse.

    If any woman is disobidient to her husband, she is going to make her place in Jahanam. Second, if any woman claims that her husband is rude, so this ALLAH knows better who is right, and ALLAH will love/help who is on right and will punish who is rude/cruel.

    ALLAH give Hidayat to all married woman.

    Prophet Muhammad (SAW) also said,(mafhoom-e-Hadees) that if a woman offer pray (Namaz) five times regularly and is obdient to her husband, he will enter into paradise (Janat) from every paradis'e door she wants.

    And in last i will also urge to men to offer five times regularly and don't be cruel to his wife. I mean that both spouse must love each other sincerely otherwise their whole life will be in tension.

    ALLAH HAFIZ

    • Assalamu Alaikum,
      brother A.khan..
      Every marital dispute is different and involves many minute things which build up and then blast in such a manner that it creates chaos n fights arguments etc.

      Marital relationships made with fear of Allah will not let you down.

      The hadith translations that you have mentioned are sufficient enough for sisters and brothers to understand how serious this issue of Qawwaam is.....
      Qawaam does not necessarily means I AM THE BOSS AND YOU SHOULD OBEY ME ALWAYS.. This attitude among brothers is wrong.....
      Sisters must give respect by obeying the husband and help him to formulate better things for conjugal life... which will make husbands love thier wives more....
      Brothers should always try not to be harsh, rude, cruel... always be loving, caring, appreciative, for things that she does for you or your kids or family... EXPRESS YOUR LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH and try to IGNORE her mistakes and correct her in a most polite manner which will make her love you ....
      MAY ALLAH BLESS US WITH SPOUSES WHO ARE COOLNESS OF OUR EYES. Ameen

      • Brother Arif, you are indeed wise in a rare way and have a good way of explaining matters without offending--I hope I can mirror this, inn shaa Allah--May Allah bless you for sharing your thoughts, Ameen.

  14. The best answer and the key point is in Mr. ali yousuff's suggestions. But just threaten her of divorce but never ever divorce her. And irrespective of her mending herself or not, just be bold enough and marry second. Believe me this will give you more happiness and peace. Also your sexual power will increase. Also you will start loving more to your 1st wife, leaving her stubborn and dissidence aside. Also after your second marriage your 1st wife will start taking much care of you and will love you more. This is my experience.

  15. Ahsan ! for you also same advice. Never divorce her. Marry second. If your country doesn't allow polygamy. Official marriage and documents are not necessary just shariah nikah is sufficient.

  16. you people never ever think what pain wife goes through.. men have ego and dont even think that a wife need love and care too.. husbands should be babied and served in all ways. ever thought that she is also a human being? . marrying more than one is permissible provided you are fair and just to all your wives.. you cant take care and love a single wife. by the way why she started going to her mothers place.. is there any reason behind it.. you been neglecting her or something and only after she started going you start going to mothers place and you are complaining that she does not care for you??

    a woman leaves everything for a husband and comes to a different house. at the very begining you men start testing her complaining with all possible ways, comparing her in her capacity to do work n household chores with that of your sisters, mothers, brothers wife. you never give the warmth she needs.. over that now its expected for the women to work and earn . and men use the right of husband that wife should be obedient to her husband which means she should earn too.

    what actually happens in practice is most muslim men use islam rights of a husband and forget thier duties towards wife.. a true muslim wife will deo verything for pleasing her husband . only use force when its of good intention.but do not burden her and treat her kindly .if you have not done any of the above then think of threatening her with good intention and want your wife truely then may allah guide you in right path.

    • Sister Saniya...

      Zinda misal samnay hay myri .. wife k leya wo kuch keya jo us nay chaha ... magar tab bhee myri ik request nahe mani ... 2 mahenay k bachay chor k dubai Job k leya chali gyee ... may 18 grade may job karta hun ... ALLAH or us K RASOOL (S.A.W.W) k ahkamat ko pasay pusht dalna kahan ka insaf hyn...
      ap ya sochti ho wifs per zulam keya jatta hay care nahe ki jati .. ap ghalat ho ... mardo k apni wife ki her zarorat ko pora karnay ka hukam hay jo jayz ho ... wife ko hukam hay k apnay husband ko bacho ka kheyal rakhay ... husband ko ezaat dyy ... husband ko sajday ka hukam ks nay deya allah k bad ap nay ya may nay?
      Ommen hay Qurran parhti hun gii ap ... Quran may 2 paray ko zara sara parho tarjumay k sath jo ALLAH nay nazil keya hay apnay pyaray Nabi per ...
      or jab parh lo tu reply zaror karna ...

      (Editor's Note: Hamza, please respond in English. Many of our readers are English speaking and many don't understand Urdu. For their benefit, you are advised you respond on our website in English)

      • Assalamu'alaikum Hamza,

        I want to highlight something you have said in your comment. You asked who ordered the wife to prostrate to her husband?

        The hadith is not like that. Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam used the word which means "if"; meaning if a sajadah to other than Allah was allowed, he would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands. Just make this correction if you have understood it the other way. This is serious because it can have major implications of your deen.

        Abu Abdul Bari
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  17. Consider threatening her with divorce.
    And give her one or two if you need to show her you are serious.
    You did not stay a believing man, choosing this woman over all the others just to be treated like a Bank account...

    Hope that helps.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Divorce isn't a game, or something to use as a tool to get your own way. The three talaqs each are a divorce, not just steps towards divorce - and should not be said in anger or to manipulate someone.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  18. Indeed it is not.
    However does the man's plight sound like a game?

    Not to me.

  19. I'm interested in finding out what happened to the original person who reported the issue to begin with. It's been a couple of years since he first submitted the question. Did he separate from his wife? OR are they still together? In case of the latter, was he able to work it out with the wife, or is still living a miserable life?

    I hope and wish for the best.

  20. God im suffering the same situation i am an afghan i have got married 3 years ago . my wife came from france and for 2 years we were seperated in to countries when i got my visa to france i came and all the situations were changed . my wife when i met her in afghanistan was not tht woman who i met in france .. she was totally changed rude and even at first she was not leaving her parents home .but because of relaties and wt people says she came with me to new home .. and i swear from tht time just once we went in park and talked like friends .. till now we are like strangers she sleep in other room and i sleep in other ... my life is toatlly stucked and daily i wish and pray tht god please change her mind and make her to love me and respect me .. but nothing is changed .. can somone tell me wt to do ?

    • azizi, make an effort to talk to her gently and find out what the problem is. Perhaps she is afraid of intimacy. Maybe she has been abused in some way in the past. Maybe she's in love with someone else. Who knows? There's no way to know unless you discuss it with her. If nothing works, and she will not open up to you, then divorce her, and consider it a blessing that you have no children yet at this point.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  21. Hello friends, I too am facing the same problem with my wife, she is disobedient and often back answers me. I am just tolerating that because of my 6 month old son, whom I love very much. My wife does not realise the value of a husband in Islam, instead she takes me for granted. But i believe that it's the fault of the girl's parents because prior to marriage, the girl's mother should teach her how to behave and stay in her in-law's place. It's just the bring up that makes the girl either behave with respect or without respect. Whenever i remind my wife about the value of a husband in islam by giving examples from the hadith of our beloved prophet SAWS, she just makes faces and takes it as a joke. Anyway, I keep making dua after every salah that may Allah show her the right path so that this doesn't become the reason for her punishment on the day of judgement Aameen.
    Brother kashif7, I totally understand how you feel and I do have sympathy for you. May Allah solve all your problems and bring back that charm and love in your married life again, Aameen.

  22. Threat of divorce worked for me. Women are very flexible. Love them spend on them but expect respect as well. Hopefully everything will be fine inshallah. You need to tell them everyday about husband's rights and reward them for their obedience. It is simple, take care of their every need so that you have a strong base to argue that you have been giving her everything, why can't she just respect. Husbands also need to compromise on a few things. Do not do what they hate, do not hurt them. If u r doing everything but she is not improving, u have every right to separate.

  23. my wife was doing the same things I divorced her don't distroy your life for a woman who does not love you I good wife always strive to make her husband happy I know it's hard only brave and strong men do it ditch the bxxxh

  24. Asaalaamalaikum, Greetings and a happy New Year to you all.

    Firstly I'd like to start off by saying I'm a new convert/revert so I'm still in the learning process so please forgive me if I come across as an individual who has no knowledge of Islam.

    I've quickly gone through the comments and its made very clear to me that some of you are making very valid reasons with the clear context to backing your points while others are commenting based on their opinions.

    I've been raised a catholic and we have always been taught that husbands are 'LORD' in this world. As silly as it sounds, I do not agree they are 'lords' but I do believe they have rights over women as men and women are NOT equal. The modern society teaches men and women are equal, hence why the divorce rates have rocketed sky high in the past 10years. Women need to ACCEPT that they are not equal to men, God made us different so we can serve him in different ways, after all life is a TEST and some of your comments highlight you have forgotten that.

    Sister Aleena, you clearly seem to be a pretty intelligent individual, however I would have to say your answers are based on your personal opinions and not based on what Allah SWT expects from a woman. You may want to read the translations of surah An Nisa before you attack 'men'. If you can't clearly back your statements by backing it with Islamic evidence then your point is not 100% accurate. Women should be loved but man does not have to worship her or be obedient, she is his WIFE n NOT HIS MOTHER!

    @sister Saba, I see you commented on the part when one of the brothers mentioned about the Prophet (saw) saying that if he was to make someone prostrate to another human, it would be the husband to the wife. You questioned 'then why did he not make the wife do that?' Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems to me as though you are denying this hadith or you do not approve an Islamic fact???.. Let me ask you a question and this is coming from a revert, how much do you know about Islam? What is the biggest sin one could committ? Can you answer that? If the prophet (saw) got the wife to prostrate to her husband then he (saw) would have making another person committ the sin of SHIRK! As we all know, associating partners is the greatest and the most unforgivable sin. The only reason why the prophet (saw) said that statement was so that is so that it clearly highlights the status of the husband! The reason why Catholics teach about the husband being the 'Lord' is justified in the prophets (saw) statement, in this world your husband is the key to your paradise.. Keep him happy, pray 5 times, fast your month and Allah (swt) will be happy with you and let you enter jannah through whichever door you wish to go in through. So next time you want to ask a silly question like that, think before asking it and do your own reasearch.

    @precious star and brother muhammed Waseem, you both made great, thoughtful and valid reasons.. May the Almighty keep you on the right path.

    To the original poster and every other brother and sister struggling in their marriage, do speak to your spouses and try to sort out your differences mutually, if all that fails then only you know what's best for you. A man should not have to tolerate sickening behaviour from a woman as it is clearly stated that she belongs to the man. If a woman cannot accept Allah's (swt) clear orders then she will never make any man happy, even her own image in the mirror will look back at her in disgust. To all the men, treat woman fairly, women are your servants and not your 'slaves' so treat them with love and kindness, if that isn't good enough for them and they keep 'demanding more' then its time to show that arrogant and disrespectful individual the door. Men these days suffer the same level of abuse as women did in the past, times has changed people for the worse. Thanks to 'equal rigjts' its very unclear to make out who is the man and who is the woman in today's society.

    May The Almighty guide us all and keep us on the right path, Ameen.

    Waasaalaam.

    • Assalam alaikum Jessie,

      Yes, indeed you are wrong in thinking I was questioning the validity of the hadith. Jazak Allah for your comment. As for my knowledge of Islam, I know most likely less than a small part of a drop of the ocean and am learning like you and like many others, May Allah swt increase us in knowledge and correct practice.

      I don't think my question was silly and here is why. The hadith mentioned serves two purposes:

      1) To married women, it reminds them of the significant importance of their husband and his rights.

      2) To married men, it reminds them that in case they abuse their status given to them by Allah swt, there is above them, our Creator that they have to answer to. For this, I do not envy men because indeed their status/responsibility above women makes them more accountable too and definitely this is not an easy task.

      I was hoping that the brother would answer that but instead he chose to insult me and rather he chose to use that Hadith as a weapon which is typically how it is used.

      Here below is the hadith and the context/background:

      "Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu'aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allaah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”

      Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah."

      from http://islamqa.info/en/43123

      Jazak Allah again.

    • Jessie, Thanks a lot !!! people like you are the reason Allah still keep the earth wheel spinning...

      Have a great future..

      Asaalaamalaikum

    • @Jessie

      Kudos!!! Great comment

    • Masha allah may allah bless u. Amazed that you are a new muslim yet u hve such a balanced nd clear concept regarding ideology of deen I see reverts so much better then born muslims. Bc now a days most muslims do not strive to learn deen thy are so much confused wt to adopt.
      I pray may allah make ech muslim and each women especially each wife like u...Jessie it has been almost two years but i need my fiancée to learn all this can u please advise wt material shud i give her or could u advise me how to make her know these thngs..

  25. I am a new Muslim.

    • sheila, I suggest that he divorce her and seek shared custody of the children. At least he can raise them as Muslims during the time they are with him. If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thanks.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  26. Thank you all for the discussions. I'm also having issues with my recent wife married now almost 2 years. She is disrespectful, prefers sleep over intimacy so I have to persuade her, she does not like to clean the house even though I do assist in this task, she does not like to cook even though she is able to. I told her many times an now will requested her to tell me clearly what her expectations are an I will share mine. As mentioned it's the role of husband to take care if household so I pay the house rent and utilities and financied our wedding 100 percent. I was hoping all this time she will change but nothin yet. She also loves to be sleeping till noon on days. She prays and and dresses modestly and may hope was anyone who appears religious will at least follow the teaching of our religion. Her older sisters are totally opposite. We all leave in the West and thus culture is confusing many sisters. Men are simple even those in the west are have wives who are obedient. I've seen it from my colleagues. So I'm sure there are many good sisters. Advise to those single is to do your homework before marriage and lay out your expectation, don't rush referral from someone who is related to potential spouse as they have vested interest to have a descent guy marry their daughter and will not divulge info about spouse, and any red flags prior to marriage should be treated seriously.

  27. Dear brothers & sisters,
    As salamu alaikum. I have been married for 8 years now.I was junior doc in a 3rd world country. I had to work hard to make both ends meet. My parents were rich, but couldn't borrow from them out of shame. They weren't very pleased with me marrying her in the 1st place. I Studied & worked hard for post graduation. She was a doc too & wanted to work, but as working conditions were not suitable I asked her to complete her post grad 1st, so that she gets a better job. We employed maids so that she could concentrate on study. She did not have the commitment for study, got rid of the maids as she was dissatisfied with them. It is then that I realised how inconsiderate she was. She would fight the maids & punish them over trivial things.But I did not loose patience, tried to make her understand, but she acted quite immaturely. In the meantime, we were blessed with a baby girl. It was before the pregnancy I diagnosed my wife with thalassaemia trait, a kind of blood disorder where you have persistently low haemoglobin level. She found the pregnancy too difficult, I had to come home from work & cook before we could eat some thing.I helped her with the child as much a I could. She lacked motherly instincts & had difficulty coping. She would go to bed without feeding or changing the child. I came late at night & fed & changed the baby, I did get annoyed but that's because I used to be tired as hell when I came back home. I told her not worry about money or work, I would take care of it as I was fit, asked her to take care of the baby mainly. Her attitude gradually changed, she started to demand things that were impossible for me to get. Then the blaming began, she blamed me for not having enough money & not letting her work. I reminded her time & again how things had unfolded &how it would be quite impossible for her to take care of the child & work at the same time given the thalassaemia trait she had. She began to disrespect me more & more & more everyday. I tried to reason with her & reminded her that these are tests of Allah, she failed to understand. The more she saw our rich relatives the more she got crazy about money. Thanks to Allah, she did not do any wrong things to get money inher hands & thanks to Allah I finally completed my post graduation in Medicine after much difficulty. In the meantime our daughter started to go to school. My wife' s blames continued to rise & blamed me for virtually everything. I now have a better job with better salary, but she is not satisfied with what Allah has given. She curses, calls me names & throws things around, sometimes even In front of the child. I have even tried psychiatrist & prayed to Allah , but to no avail. Her only passion seems to be hurting & blaming me. I loved her a lot once, & although much less now, I still do. I have thought about divorce, cause I can't take it anymore but then I never had the courage, thinking about the sufferings of my daughter. I promised my wife I will buy her a house or shop once I have enough in my hand, so that she has the satisfaction of owning some thing . In the meantime I must prepare my daughter for this world & for the here after . May be I will have some peace after she starts her own family, Insha Allah.

  28. First Asalamu Alaikum warahmatulahi wavarakatuh
    Brothers and sisters after that

    I have seen this problem more times society of Islam speacially in America so at last I myself happened to me and I can not solve this problem for example she used lie, Facebook until 2-3 am morning she does not like to pray morning or fajir and children supplied iPad they do not read holly Quran if I try to say children read holly Quran she says leave children in addition to that argument day and night gazzip or pick bite and hearsay and I do not know what I do, really she lost and know I try to save children but I can because I am affrai jail because she has got false freedom

  29. My god this discussion is amazing, even i have frustrated from my wife, women can make life of her husband hell or heaven, we should marry only to those women whom we know better before marriage, this is the only solution

  30. As Salam wa alaikum,

    It seems this is the story of almost every household these days. It's a heartbreaking fact of today's society. Everywhere I turn this is what I hear. It used to be men who were the culprits in the vast majority of times some years ago if those reading are old enough to remember. However, as time goes by faster and faster it seems that women are beginning to take center stage. There's no doubt every situation is different and highly complex, but the similarities are frightening. I can say this becuase I am in a similar situation and have fought tooth and nail to make things work. I have made many mistakes myself and I'll be the first to point out my own faults but similarly all parties involved in such matters need to do the same. There is one aspect if followed and practised wholeheartedly, many problems would go away. That is forgiveness. If we can forgive one another for the sake of Allah swt then we can be successful. The sad fact of today is people are unwilling to forgive. There is a problem with chips on shoulders and egos too large for a decent person to have time for. If we can't forgive others how then can we expect Allah swt to forgive ourselves? Even if you are in the wrong then still seek forgiveness. Seek it for Allah. Allah can soften the hearts of people and it can be a great return in His Mercy and blessings.

    We need to as a people go back to the way of the Prophet Muhammad sallallaho alayhi wasallam and his Sahaba RA. THIS is what we need to emulate. Word for word action for action.

    Hadhrat Ali RA was once asked (I paraphrase) why there was not such disagreements when Hadhrat Umar RA and Hadhrat Uthmaan RA were the Caliphates of Islam. Hadhrat Ali RA responded by saying 'Hadhrat Umar RA and Hadhrat Uthmaan RA had followers like us in their time whereas I have followers like you'.

    We are all arguing one another and that needs to stop. We are all different. We need to adjust to that and respect one another and realise how sacred marriage is. Divorce is there as an option and it is indeed needed to free of us of those who just won't listen or fear Allah swt. The Arsh shakes when the word of divorce is given. Have we forgotten how much the shaytaan rejoices at it? If a man is providing for his wife, speaking to her with respect and love and giving her a home with at least her own locked room, kitchen and bathroom then she must obey him for his sake and for Allah's sake. If the man is cruel to his wife then she is not wrong to seek divorce.

    But nowadays some people demand much more. That's where the problems start. They get worse when there is a lack of Islamic knowledge and they get worse still when thibgs aren't done for the sake of Allah swt.

    Like many I've worked my socks off to make things work but if it's not in the benefit of the wife then it's of no benefit at all. A man has a duty towards his old parents who have raised him and made them what they are today. This doesn't mean they take the next coach out of town leaving their ageing parents on their own when all they have a love for is to see their children grow. In the Quran the very first people to be mentioned in relation to family is the parents and how we should be dutiful to them.

    We owe them that much. When a man has a wife that duty does not change and he has a responsibility to his wife which he should fulfil but his parents have a special place which should be respected by all. There is a hadith where our prophet sallallaho alayhi wasallam was asked what the best way to worship Allah was and he sallallaho alayhi wasallam replied by saying salaah. The question was then asked about what was after salaah and the prophet sallallaho alayhi wasallam replied with the same 3 times. When it was asked a final time, the prophet sallallaho alayhi wasallam responded by saying being dutiful to ones parents.

    We forget that when we marry we extend our families in a blessed way not reduce them.

    We need to go back to our roots and only then in a time of such fitna will we find our feet.

    Wasalaam

    • Assalam alaikum,

      You know, I really get what you are saying, and I appreciate it, but dear Brother, I really have a problem with your following statement:

      "A man has a duty towards his old parents who have raised him and made them what they are today. "

      I have many relatives with no son OR they have a son, but he does not take care of them so they rely on their daughter(s).

      Instead of focusing on the man's parents in the marriage or cultural practices, perhaps the focus can be parents in general because not every couple has a son in their old age to help them out. So, an elderly couple with only daughters do also deserve love and comfort in their old age. We can/should have solutions that are best case by case instead of enforcing traditional cultural practices that have no bearing in Islam.

      • As Salaam wa alaikum,

        No I don't feel you grasped what I said at all unfortunately. To have a problem as you put it with what I said in relation to parents suggests that you dont quite clearly. However I didn't write to get people's acceptance although that would be nice. I shared my belief and tried to base it on Quran and Sunnah.

        It's quite confusing what you mean about focusing on parents in general rather than a man's parents. I did make a point saying situations are dynamic right at the start..

        It's just simple common sense that if one has parents who are in need of help or simply love and respect which they deserve then they should be given it no matter what. If a son is failing to do that then that's on him to try and justify himself. But on the whole for a man, it is his duty to be dutiful to his parents. If parents have not been given a son and only daughters then it should be the daughters duty to do the same. If Allah has given both sons and daughters to a husband and wife then both sons and daughters alike should be dutiful to their parents. I didn't know it had to be broken down that much but it's common sense.

        “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

        24. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’”

        [al-Isra’ 17:23-24] 

        It's a Quranic verse that, being dutiful. It really shouldn't be a matter of dispute.

        No bearing on Islam? I don't think there is any culture out there that doesn't show respect in some way to parents. Some cultural aspects of life actually compliment Islam. People seem to think that culture can't mix with Islam. Of course it can and it does. I believe what I wrote was fairly balanced and if it wasn't it certainly is now.

        Wsalaam

        • Actually, it has to be broken down, because it isn't common sense.

          I don't know if you noticed but there are entire cultures that expect things from their daughter -in-law that are ridiculous and more and in those same cultures the son-in-law is treated like royalty because he took it upon himself to accept their "burdensome daughter." The irony...those people continue to give gifts of gold, cars, washer/dryer machine, household furniture, medical expenses, and you name it even after their daughter is married to her husband's family...who is the real burden? Common sense, unfortunately, doesn't prevail for many people in the world.

          You write:
          "Everywhere I turn this is what I hear. It used to be men who were the culprits in the vast majority of times some years ago if those reading are old enough to remember. However, as time goes by faster and faster it seems that women are beginning to take center stage."

          This idea that women have become the centre stage of culprits is laughable. But, I suppose if you see it that way, that's how you see it. It almost seems that you are saying, "everything was fine when men were culprits, but now these women...gosh, they are causing problems..."---based on this one post?

          Culture is the issue. Bottom line. And those who refuse to see that, I don't want to argue with because this is a reality that many of us live in or see others living in all the time.

          If a man wants to take his of parents, Maa shaa Allah, great--the problem is when he marries a woman to take care OF his parents and thinking that he has done his duty through marriage. We have repeatedly seen those posts even on this site and denying that this isn't a major issue, is an issue in itself.

          • I think society has gone through tremendous changes . Some are trapped under cultural influence which is not Islamic and creating problems for some women .

            Also there are bad men who treat wives badly and cheat them .
            Also we see now many women coming out of cultural boundaries but ending up in wrong place ..I mean from one wrong to other wrong like involving themselves in Zina , adulterous relationship and troubling good husband ...

            Lot of women now days in east or west already have SEX compare to olden days ....Lot of men too have sex more in number compare to olden days ...

            You can't trust present day Bearded fellow or fully clothed Hijab wearing girl .

            I read lot of posts here in this forum where how hijab wearing and practising muslim girls end up in sleeping with men who are non mehrem ..When such women becomes mothers their products will be similar men who troubles women .......... Women are spending more time in outside offices than at home to look after kids ...Kids are not getting the right brought up by mothers due to busy schedule of their parents ..Working women are more to create trouble to husbnd even if he is good due to arrogance and haram way of life in offices which is leading them to satanic path ...I think these are sign that day of judgement is near as Zina will be frequent ..

          • Salaam. Just for starters it's good practise and relatively basic manners to write with Salaam or as salaam wa alaikum before starting and end with wasalaam.

            Well according to you, its not common sense. It's quite a rarity these days, common sense. That's true given the fact you wrote those things about people who don't know the difference between the bad in culture and Islam. I disagree becuase I can speak for myself. I can also say with the people I know this would all be common sense. Unfortunately not for all. I guess in a way it may be better to remove the word 'common' from common sense as it may not be that reliably shared. Maybe it's better to just call it 'sense'. That's what it is. Sense.

            That burden talk you speak of with women being this and that. I don't know what personal experience you have had with people around you but I have to say from where I reside the Muslim community which happens to be mostly Pakistani heritage do not behave in that way as much as they used to. In fact it's changed alot. The reason I know this is becuase the imams, scholars and marriage councillors within the community don't speak of this as much when they engage with the younger generation. The efforts they make here are amazing alhumdulillah.

            Perhaps this depends what background the people are from. As we know certain traditions are more prevalent in certain regions of Pakistan and India. So we can agree to disagree.

            Wow, you actually put words I didn't say in inverted commas. I suggest you slow down and think before you speak. I haven't belittled your ideas by calling them laughable. Perhaps you should refrain from that tiny talk. This the problem. People assume things and then make up the rest. Rather quite common isnt it.. You must be quite young or immature thinking this is some sort of debate, it's not. I simply responded to a post, one of many by the way, where a brother was experiencing issues in his marriage. So, I felt I would share my thoughts. Perhaps you should read the poster and read mines again too. The only thing that's laughable is how desperately my writing is being dissected and nit picked as if something that bad has been said. I mention the hadith and verses of the Holy Quran. Thank God there's no dispute there. Well everything I said about the main topic here was in support of Hadith and Quran.

            I said men used to be the culprits. Again, window into your life the way you make assumptions into what that means. It would be a decent thing to simply ask what you don't know. Maybe not make it up next time, especially if the very person who wrote it has actually told you that you are wrong. MEN used to be the main culprits from what I remember over the years. That's what I remember, I haven't carried out a census. WOMEN were I would say more on the innocent side of these things. Then WOMEN begin to take center stage. So what if I say that? Thats my view by experience and talking to many different people and having an input in communities. It means when it was mostly men it is not the case now. That does not mean it was ok for men to do what they did and please, not so many false assumptions it damages credibility. Culture is the issue. Bottom line you say. I don't know if you glazed over the parts where I say that? I don't see any dispute there. However, your final paragraph made no sense at all based on what I said about it. There is a problem with people who neglect there husbands and spend too much time with their parents.. As is clear in many complaints.. And vice versa. There is also a problem with wives having an issue with husbands spending time or looking after their own parents and vice versa.

            My point was simple and the verses of the Holy Quran and Hadith secure that. I use these divine words becuase it's about the only texts remaining that people don't argue against in these contexts, alhumdulillah. A man has a duty to look after his parents and to be dutiful to them regardless of being married or not. Marriage does not change that. People need to stop blurring the lines. It's CLEAR CUT. Marriage is a separate issue which is governed by different rules set out by Allah swt. If a man is looking after his wife and providing for her and caring for her, as well as engaging in learning Deen then he is fulfilling his part. If he is making her smile and keeping her happy. Similarly if the wife is returning those efforts with love, respect and happiness then that is a good marriage.

            However, being dutiful and looking after parents is SEPERATE to all that. This is something whether a Son or a Daughter, we should do. Hence why we have the beautiful verses of the Quran.

            That's my point.

            Wasalaam

  31. threaten her with divorce and make her choose between her parents or you. if she still persists, divorce her in real and marry someone more worthy, you wife will understand her mistake when she loses you and her marriage

  32. Salaam,

    Wow, This question is being discussed for a long time.

    The question was asked in 2012 and now it's 2015. And We are still getting replys regarding the question. I think lot of men are facing a similar problem as to what this brother has described.

    Would really like to hear from the brother who asked this question and find out what his situation is right now. Since we can learn from his experience.

    As a note and suggestion for other people who will come across this situation, I would suggest to read the book " Married Man Sex Life primer". Or any other marriage advice book and try to find the solution. What I have learned is that it's not just a simple one answer solution to the question. Its actually a way of life we have to implement and make a change in our way of living to be happy men.

    May ALLAH grant us all Jannatul Firdous.

  33. It is rather inevitable to see women like this lately. Its a sign of the day of judgement. I know a man who married a girl and he prays five times a day, and a student of knowledge and treats her like a queen, Yet she says one day, i dont like how you live, so i want a divorce. What can you do. The only thing left from islam is its name. You cannot sell your religion because of a rude and disobedient woman. One day this life will end. I rather have a wife that goes with me to jannah inshlllah or i dont want her.

    • You know a man who married a girl and you know that he treats her like a queen? Are you with them 24 hours? No one knows 100% about someone's private life, otherwise, it wouldn't be called private life. Women do not bring about the day of judgement...that is inevitable...

  34. I am married too and reached to conclusion women Psychology is more typical than rocket science a man or even no one can understand what a wife actually wants, so how u can handle, women is the thing which will never admit that she did wrong she is always perfect in front of his husband while on the other hand if she is dealing with his brother or father she will be very calm and admitting his faults very easily . someone said in earlier discussion that a man should discuss with her in lovely way, don't go for it if u did so she will be more aggressive and will start shouting. the best way is to leave her as long as u can

    • You are making unfair generalizations about women. In fact, most women are more willing to discuss and be reasonable than men. Also, your solution of just leaving the woman alone, is not a solution at all.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salaam brother Azhar,

      I agree with what brother Wael has to say, you don't have to leave a woman to make her understand the situation. You can deal with her in her presence and solve the issue rather than being seperate and trying to solve the issue.

      And brother Azhar has rightly pointed out. Women Psychology is more tough than rocket science and no man or woman can understand that.

      However there are quiet a few people who have written some great books on women psychology which will help married men deal in a better way with their wives.

      Some books I recommend.

      Married Man Sex Life
      His Needs Her Needs
      The way of the Superior Man
      The Book of Pook
      Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

      Hope we can try to understand whatever possible of the women Psychology and make our lives better.

      • As’Salam wa alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

        Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

        In the name of Allah,
        The Entirely Merciful,
        The Especially Merciful.

        To all Muslimahs,Wives and Mothers…
        May Allah (Glory be to him and exalted be he) reward all of you well for your sacrifices in the upbringing and bringing of mankind in this world.
        By Allah's will in human guidance,
        How can you ever lower yourselves and be equal to us men when you are of so much higher statuses and priveleges.

        We men were told to love and be good to our mothers,our mothers,our mothers and then our fathers.
        That is a clear ratio that women (Who are all mothers to be) are to be honoured and protected.

        And we should remember that all prophets had mothers that fed and nurtured them...
        Their hands are the ones that cradle the future generations.

        And Allah (Glory be to him and exalted be he) created Prophet Adam and also created his wife of Adam's rib…Our common mother Hawa.
        We are all children of Adam….
        And Adam was created from dust.

        And Allah knows best.

        I highly recommend for us to read the book of Allah more.
        Al Quran al Karim. 🙂

        Does Islam regard men and women as equal?
        http://islamqa.info/en/1105

  35. ASSALAMU ALAIKUM(VARH).
    MY WIFE IS GOOD, BUT MANY MORE TIME ANY DESITION MAKE TO OWN, AND I TELL SOMTHING NOT ACCECPT . WHY MY NAME IS JAHIR HUSSAIN MY NAME IS RISWANA BEHAM. I LOVE MY WIFE. BUT SHE DID NOT LIKE MORE, LITTLE BIT SHE LIKES. SHE DOSENOT CARE ABOUT ME. SO AM ALSO NOW NOT CARE ABOUT HER. BECAUSE BOTH OF NOT UNDERSTAND TO ALL THINGS. I NEED TO HELP AM WIFE TO GETHER BUT HER RELATION CONFUSING MY WIFE. SO SHE ALSO DOESNOT LIKE TOGETHER IN HOME. SHE LIKES MAKE MONEY ONLY A MACHINE ME. BUT I NEED WIFE ALL TIME TOGETHER I LOVE WITH HER. I LOVE HER. ILOVE HER. AM IN ABROAD FOR SIX YEARS EACH YEAR GOING ONE MONTH HOME. AFTER COME ABROAD. I NEED TO HELP ALL TIME MY WIFE TOGETHER WHAT WILL DO. BUT MY PAKAGE NOT ENOUGH FOR ABROAD. SO I CANOT TAKE ABROAD. I TOLD HER AM WORK IN MY HOME, BUT SHE DONOT LIKE. WHAT MY SOLUTION. PLEASE SEND ME ANY IDEA. ALLAH ONLY GIVES TO ALL PROBLEM SOLVED.

  36. Same here .....as soon as her mother moved in with her sister...that marriage was doomed....now the mother and sister live alone...now its my turn i guess..."my mother said this","shes right about that", "men like you should be treated like this", "my sister is right about being this way with men".....and to make it worse when my wife breaks everything in the house the mother is on the phone saying "very good when i listen more she will behave good"...now my wife curses me for whatever jajaja.....i laugh about it cause i have two beautyful kids ...these sisters married around their late 20s early 30s was this a sign of their controlling mothers ? Do this later aged marriages tend to be this way? I actually take care of myself...i workout alot i have tons of fun with my kids ...i never cared about age or culture or nationality but i feel now i should had married a 18yr sister it sucks to say this cause i love her..look i aint a model or mr. Universe but i take care of myself and it wouldn't be hard to find someone else ... and to be honest i tried getting a second wife and got caught...and apologized and went thru hell for it...she being telling to get another wife for so long and when i tried she made a show...i think she has been told by her mother and sister to make me die slow...be a headache until i become her servant or i leave cause in this western countries they can always get help and have the ex husband maintain her... i just love my kids too much...iam gona have to live a secret life with another wife or i dont know what to do...

  37. Sister Jessie, well said and very balanced and fair comment from you 🙂

    May Allah bless you and all muslims, and may us all men get wives like you 🙂

    Wasalams..

  38. I am too disturb from my wife.i have two kids MASHA ALLAH. But she used to say bad language with me.her behaviour is like enemies I have been spend 3 years with her but she is same. When they went to her parents home she always make issue n never come back.
    She use bad language against my mother v are total 3 in home. Me , my mom and wife etc she have all facilities in home n she enjoy all basic and non basic things. But when she entered in the home of parents she makes issues. I am fadup please guide me wot to do? Her parents are main advicer of her n specially her mother guide her wrong.
    Regards

  39. Aaslam o alikum dear brothers...

    Well going through this.. I found that some where there is mens mistake to.... I am also suffering from the same problem... But i always try to make it resolve by making my self quit.... Me n my wife we are married since 7years... This relation is bond uptill just because of me. My wife always make aurguments with no reasons... She force me to take seprate house i took it for her as it is her islamic right... She usualy not asking me for break fast she dosent respect me. I always try to make her understand in polite way and some times in harsh... Conclusion to this all my only findings are that if women thinks that she has to do this she has to... I have some finincial crisis since two months... I am trying to over come it but my wife never giving me a chance to looking for other options to over come my problems... I am just avoiding it... But seriously i am in great tention how can i make her understand.... Today she did what i had never expect from her... Please advise me to what to do in this case... My first son is of 6years and sexond is of just 40 days... The reason for this long gap is her attitude.... Tidays she make me a call and said to me that i am not going to feed our new born get back to home take him in ur custody and i will go... Even her father and mother are to shocked on this statement of her... I am just quit... Please advise me what to do... I am trying this to be resolved since 7 years but all in vane...

    • Walaikum Salaam,

      Brother, one thing you have to understand about women is that by nature they are not confrontational. They will let some offenses go unspoken and keep it in where men would vocalize it. However when they reach a point of frustration and anger. I believe that she still cares for you because she has not asked for divorce. And you care for you family and her since you are still together. The fact that she said she will not feed the baby until you come home sounds like she does not see you doing things to help her in the house. This is just a hunch. Not sure if you are doing the traditional women do all the work and the men do nothing. If you are not a manual laborer then all men should help women in the house. My wife was cranky and angry at the first stage of my marriage and she said she wanted to divorce me. When a woman says divorce she is really saying 'listen to me" so first I did not want to diminish her desire to divorce me and told her "please give us one year. If after that year you do not love me or want to be with me then you can go." My real reason for keeping her was that Shaytan loves divorce and I did not want to please him.

      So I paid attention to my wife. Women want to feel loved. That does not only mean the bed. It means helping her around the house. Women are not that complex they are simple. You show them love and they will be happy. What i recommend is not to be overly romantic that will cheapen everything. Make it a point to take her out once a month to a restaurant. Both of you dress nice. It will do wonders for her.

      If you see a pile of dishes in the sink and you don't even want to do it imagine what your wife may feel. Do it for her. Not all the time. I do surprise tasks. Like once my wife was in the shower and a pile of cloths to be folded on the bed. I folded the cloths because I am mathematical and like topographical math. I folded it all and left. I assure you she will be thinking about those pile of cloths in the shower. Women never stop thinking like us men. So when she see that pile of cloths folded she will feel stress leave her and know it was you.

      No don't expect thanks all the time. Also don't think she will recall all your nice deeds to her. However every now and then she will be reminded. She will be with her friends and they will complain about their husband and she may not have many complaints as they do.

      Another key thing is not to have her remind you to do your tasks. I have to work on this myself. But I am more 50 50 on this. But when she reminds me I like saying "I did it already" then she look for something else "I did that too".

      As a man you need to show leadership and be sensitive to your family. It is your kingdom and the wife is your Queen. Sometime you need to be stern with her. You can talk a bit strict but do not put anger in your voice.

      Hug your wife randomly. If you do have a little fight give her a kiss on the head if she is sitting. One me and my wife was mad at me about something and it was my fault so later I saw her in the kitchen and outstretched my arms with an i'm sorry face and she came to hug me. She was stiff but then I said in a loving voice "why does my beautiful female lion have to be angry like that?" then she melted in my arms. She even said she was sorry.

      My wife is very negative, complains, she speaks harsh. When she gets mad she is like thunder. She is 4 inches taller than me too. But I touch her heart.

      I guess to sum it up you need to lay down nice emotional reactions in your wife. You probably have good friends that you love to be with. You don't remember every single moment you and your friends were together but you have an emotional memory. Lay down good emotional memories with your wife.

      I have to repeat your wife will not remember all the good you did. The messenger(pbuh) said that in a hadith. But how I know my wife is being taken care of? She is 43 and people think she is 28. So I think I am doing something right.

      So always have the intention to please Allah when you do this for your wife. That way if she does not appreciate it you already got your reward.

      I apologize if I rambled too long. Also when my wife wanted to divorce me we were married 4 years with one daughter. Now I have 4 kids and we have been married for 17 years.

  40. What should I say, Alhamdulillah, I am not suffering with such a dilema. Home needs mind, a thought an understanding. Whoever dominates, looses. I hope you guys understand.

  41. In The name of Allaah The Most Beneficial The Most Merciful,

    The Best Duaas (supplications prayers) That Did Help Me and Many Others in Times of Hardship and Difficulty!

    Please use it is GUARANTEED you will see changes inshaAlaah ...

    1. Salat al a Nabi (Invoking Allah to Bless Prophet Muhammed - Min 100 times on daily prayers )

    Al-Lahumma Şalli `Alá Muĥammadin Wa `Alá 'Āli Muĥammadin, Kamā Şallayta `Alá 'Ibrāhīma, Wa `Alá'Āli 'Ibrāhīma 'Innaka Ĥamīdun Majīdun Al-Lahumma Bārik `Alá Muĥammadin Wa `Alá 'Āli Muĥammadin, Kamā Bārakta `Alá 'Ibrāhīma Wa `Alá 'Āli 'Ibrāhīma, 'Innaka Ĥamīdun Majīdun.

    2. Istighfaru Allah a Atubu elye (100 times daily)

    “And O my people! Ask forgiveness of your Lord and then repent to Him, He will send you (from the sky) abundant rain, and add strength to your strength, so do not turn away as Mujrimoon (criminals, disbelievers in the Oneness of Allah).”

    [Hood 11:52]

    Sayyiduna Shaddad ibn Aws narrated that the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said; “The most superior Dua for forgiveness is to say:

    اللَّهُمَّ أَنْتَ رَبِّي لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ خَلَقْتَنِي وَأَنَا عَبْدُكَ وَأَنَا عَلَى عَهْدِكَ وَوَعْدِكَ مَا اسْتَطَعْتُ أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ شَرِّ مَا صَنَعْتُ أَبُوءُ لَكَ بِنِعْمَتِكَ عَلَيَّ وَأَبُوءُ لَكَ بِذَنْبِي فَاغْفِرْ لِي فَإِنَّهُ لَا يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ[1

    ‘Allaahmma anta rabbee laa elaaha illaa ant. Anta khalaqtanee wa ana ‘abduka wa ana ‘alaa ‘ahdika wa wa’dika mastata’t. A’oothu bika min sharri ma sana’t. Aboo’u laka bi ni’matika alayya wa aboo’u laka bi thambee. Faghfir lee. Fa innahoo laa yaghfiruth-thunooba illaa ant.’

    O Allah, You are my Lord. There is no god besides You. You created me and I am Your servant, following your covenant and [my] promise to you as much as I can. I seek refuge in You from the evil that I have done. Before You I acknowledge Your blessings bestowed upon me and I confess my sins to You. So forgive me, for surely no one can forgive sins except You.

    The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم then added, ‘anyone who says this during the day, firmly believing in it, and dies before the evening; or says it in the evening, firmly believing in it, and dies before the following morning, will be among the people of paradise.’

    3. Ya Dhul-Jalaali wal-Ikraam Ekeremnee (Min 100 times daily )

    Allah calls Himself Dhul-Jalaali wal-Ikraam—The Possessor of Glory and Honour, The Lord of Majesty and Generosity — on two occasions in the Quran. He is the one who owns each attribute and manner of glory, majesty, superiority, generosity, and honour. Dhul-Jalaali wal-Ikraam is the source of great splendour and abundance!

    Ask Allah with this ya Dhul-Jalaali wal-Ikraam Ekeremnee

    Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: The generous one is close to Allah, close to people, far from the fire… [At-Tirmidhee]

    4. Laa Hawla Wa Laa Quwwata Il-la Bil-laah (Min 100 Times daily)
    The meaning of this phrase (there is no power and no strength except with Allaah) is a person’s admission that he is unable to do anything without the help and support of Allaah. This sentence is uttered when some serious matter befalls a person that he cannot cope with, or there is something that it is very difficult for him to deal with.

    “The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to me: ‘Be frequent in saying: Laa ḥawla wa laa quwwata illā billa”. For verily, it is a treasure from the treasures of Paradise”. Tirmidhi
    We need to say لا حَوْلَ وَلا قُوَّةَ إِلا بِالله Laa Hawla Wa Laa Quwwata Il-la Bil-laah whenever we feel weak or are unable to do anything.

    5. Duaa (Yunus, peace be upon him) la ilaha ila Anta Subhank ene kunt meena zalmeen (100 Times Daily)

    The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “The supplication of my brother Dhun Nun (Yunus, peace be upon him), who called on Allah while in the whale’s belly: ‘There is no deity but You. Glory be to You! Verily, I have been among the wrongdoers’ (Quran 21:87) – no Muslim person says it, for any situation whatsoever, except that Allah Most High answers his call.” [Tirmidhi]

    La ilaha illa Anta, Subhanaka, inni kuntu mina z-zalimin.

    لا إلهَ إلا أنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنْتُ مِنَ الظّالِمِيْنَ

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