Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife is having an affair

Man with guilty woman in the background (cheating)

I am from India. I have completed 17 years of marriage with two kids. I love my wife very much. I am working in Middle East. During my vacation I came to know my wife has had illegal relations with another man, she confessed & promised not to repeat it.

I forgave her for the sake of her parents, because her parents are very kind, honest and from a respected family, I didn’t want to hurt them & so I did not tell anyone about it. Again during my vacation I caught my wife red handed with the same man, this time I informed her parents who were ashamed and angry with her.

I was supposed to leave/divorce her, but on her parents requested that I forgive her and I did. Now again I came to know she has illegal relationship.

I need your precious advise, I am a God fearing man, I don't understand what should I do? I am very much upset with myself, it is all dark in my life.

Please suggest me as you all are knowledgable people in Islam. What should be my next step towards my wife?

- sbap

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24 Responses »

  1. Salaam My Brother,

    I am sorry for this awful betrayal you are experiencing.

    Adultery is a grave sin and a violation of the marital contract. "Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)."[Qur'an 17:32]

    I am moved by the compassion you feel toward this woman's family and your attempts to guard her honour in the face of the most offensive act she could ever do you.

    Surah Al Nur, the Light (chapter 24) of the Quran discusses the subject of adultery in detail. In particular it says of the punishment for adultery: "Let not compassion move you in their case". So what I would say to you, is to let not compassion move you in your wife's case - and divorce from her. She has taken this action, and she needs to deal with the consequences of that action, and there is no duty upon you to find a way of tolerating this - this is intolerable.

    No matter what is happening between husband and wife there is no excuse or justification for adultery. Her actions are a result of bad moral fibre, and you must know that you have not caused this, or brought this on in any way - this is all about her, and her lack of commitment, integrity and deen.

    At no stage should you look for responsibility for her actions within yourself, and make no negative conclusions about yourself because of her actions. This could happen to anyone, and it is unfortunate that this has happened to you.

    My advice is to part from her, let her go - free yourself from this terrible burden and look to the future, a bright future of light, love, loyalty and trust and leave this dark period behind you.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Salaam Sister Leyla,
      Thanks for the wonderful suggestion, I would like to know what if she cheats the first time and then repents forever, is it ok to forgive her? for the sake of kids an infant and a grownup child.
      Thanks

  2. just wanted to check is it oki to name ur son Mohammed?

    • Yes, no problem, it's the most common name in the world. I will delete your question in a bit, as it has nothing to do with the question posted.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Salaam,

    Brother I am going to tell you something which may be brutal for you to hear but it is the only realistic option you have. You can forgive a person and hope they change, when they do not change the first time, it's unlikely they ever change.

    People are ashamed of marrying former prostitues because of their history, but these prostitutes become different people and according to the men who are married to them, they are extremely loyal and would not ever do anythign bad. So point is if people want to change their character they can quite easily. If you give them the chance and they do not, they deserve no respect, and you need to be brutal with them.

    If you were my own brother I would say throw her out the house and send her to the pigeons, although you're not my blood brother, you're a Muslim brother so I say the same. Throw her out, you've given her too many chances, you deserve better. These kinds of men and women deserve no sympathy. Get rid of her and I hope she is humiliated, but at the same time I hope her family is not, they deserve better.

  4. well said mohammed totally agree no one deserves to be cheated at or lied to not acceptable behaviour

  5. Dear Salaam,

    Your Story was very painful and i feel very sorry for you But you must take heart and be calm because God knows what he is doing and what he have for you in the nearest future. I'm very glad you forgave her and i will advice you to keep on forgiving her until she realize what shes doing is not fair.

    I can see you really love your wife so you must let your prayers be hard so she can change her character and don't get upset or mad at her, Just keep on advising her and let her know what shes doing is not Good because as a marriage woman like her, she don't need to be in any relationship or go out with another man.

    But Allah says, if a person do something wrong and you forgave her or him for 3times and she kept on doing then never forgive her again and you must punish him or her for that reason So just call her and ask her if shes still interested in that illegal relations with the other man or she wants to continue with the marriage, then you will know her mind so you can know what to do with the rest of your life. I would end here and advice you to always forgive peoples for their wrong did and as a God fearing man like you i know you will.

    Loving and forgiving each other is a great thing by only Allah.

    By Yussif.

  6. It is sad that you are going throung this. Betrayal against man or woman is hard for anyone. You have given this woman too many chances, throw her out. I am not muslim by faith, but I had a question, are wives allowed to have more than one husband? It's just that I noticed on another thread before the roles were reversed. The husband cheating on the wife. The answers there spoke about the husband being able to obtain up to 4 wives. So could a wife have more than one husband? And under what circumstances. I understand for men, there may be greater chances for shortage due to war, illness, etc. But what contingency plan is there for women, if there was a shortage of women? Would they be able to take on more husbands to encouarge the chastity of all involved?

  7. you kno like you i experience right now...so painful i feel im going to die...i need also your advice i want to give case to my wife and a man ..what case i supposed to give im not already married but we have 1 daughter ..please give me advice how to punished them?

    • Gilberto, forget about punishing them. I know that betrayal is very, very painful. I sympathize with you. But forget about revenge or punishment. It will take a long time for your heart to heal. Give yourself time. Look for the things in life that make you happy. Trust in God. If you want a more detailed answer, please log in and write your question as a post.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. The trouble is your wife appears to no longer love or desire you and could to be in love with another man. Welcome to heart-break hotel my friend. You will not be the first or the last person to experience this pain and believe me we women are just as susceptible to it as men are. At this point it is common to experience huge swings of feeling from grief to fury to vengeance. I advise you my friend to do nothing about these feelings until they subside a bit and you have more control of them. You can however tell your wife how you feel. Are there any underlining unresolved issues in your marriage which could have triggered the affair? How was your love life for example? Did you take her for granted? Could she be bored and unfulfilled in her life and seeking validation. In other words what are the reasons for the affair and is it possible for your marriage to be saved. Find out before you do anything drastic and try not to focus on the rights and wrongs of your situation. Good luck my friend and keep your humanity.

    • HEY, everybody began saying may or may not be right cause the man visits during vacation mean while the wife all alone with plenty of leisure and her chemistry might be strong and body needs it for she had already tasted the fruit.
      If he wants to see his wife changed, he has to stay with her that can avoid what she is practicing. She will definitely change.

      • Mondru: If he wants to see his wife changed, he has to stay with her that can avoid what she is practicing. She will definitely change.

        Many married people have affairs while living with their wife. I disagree if she will definately change. That may be the only things that makes her feel loved. Some people need outside affairs.

  9. Assalamwalikum,

    My name is Ahmed and iam from india.I have the concern with my life I.e my wife affair with other muslim person. (remainder of the comment has been deleted)

    • Wa Alaikum as Salam brother Ahmed,

      Please login and submit your question as a separate post. In sha Allah, we will publish it in turn. Until then, please trust in Allah and do not lose your trust in Him.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. my question is that I have a illegal relationship with a married women but I want to get rid of that relation but she did not leave me. so kindly tell me the solution and kindly tell me how I made my self free from this sin that I have made with her during this relation

    • kamran aziz: my question is that I have a illegal relationship with a married women but I want to get rid of that relation but she did not leave me.

      Is she one of your relatives? Did you get into this relationship fully knowing she was married? I have a feeling now you are kind of bored and don't know what to tell her? Did you tell her you like/love her a lot before she agreed to do it?

  11. Asalam o Alaikum
    i hope you are fine. honestly speak i am not a married man so i cant feel that pain which you are feeling now but you are the most courageous person and such a forgiving nature i appreciate you on this.
    but i want to ask a question when you had forgiven her for the first time then why did you spying on her sinful acts which she had done in the private thats why Islam prohibits to spying someone ugly and sinful acts and if you had found it then why did you publish it here and embrace her.
    why dont you take your wife with you to another country if you cant trust her?
    you told us that you went away leaving your wife to other country for work, so i believe it is a mistake of you both together because in Islam women has a right to leave her husband if he cant fulfill her all rights. when you went away and donot come for so many months then what will she do to fullfil her sexual desires even yet she didnt take divorce for the sake of her children.
    I want to clear this whole scenario by posting one of the incident of Hazrat Umer Farooq (RA)

    Once he was patrolling at night. A woman, sitting on the terrace, was reciting some verses. One couplet meant:

    "The night is dark and goes on lengthening and my husband is not near me with whom I may play".

    Her husband had gone for jihad and, love-torn, she was singing such painful couplets. Hazrat Umar was very much aggrieved. He remarked: "I have inflicted a great severity on the women of Arabia. Then he came to Hazrat Hafsa (his daughter) and asked her as to how many days a woman could live without her husband. She said: "Four months:' Next morning he issued an order that no Solider should live away from home for more than four months

    so according to the above incident i believe that you yourself showed a path of evil to your wife and you both are guilty and you both do tawbah to Allah.

    you might think for a while if i could not fulfill her rights but still she can be patient then brother the nudity and pornography in this world is at its peak. Children are reaching the age of puberty before their actual age (i.e15) and sex education to the children is opening the most dangerous evil door. its a common sense that it is difficult for a man and women to control their nafs once they come to know or do sexual activity.
    In the concluding remark i must say you both forgive each other and both of you do tawbah and try not to stab each other and fulfill the rights of each other and obey Islam sincerely and remember once your wife will do tawbah do not hurt her and remind her past and call her sinful person it is also haram to call the one sinful person once he/she had done repentance

    I hope you forgive me because in this cruical hour i am blaming you i am sorry for that and pray that Allah will ease your path and guide both of you well and make an easy path to forgive both of your self and create love in both of your heart for the sake of Allah and Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and I believe Allah love forgiving each other.
    Allah hafiz if something hurts you then forgive me

    • Syed Harris, this man was away for the sake of work for a long time. He too was away from his wife. Did he start an affair with any other woman to fulfill his sexual desires? No, because in his heart he had the fear of Allah and the love of his wife. He stayed patient for the sake of Allah, a mark of a truly righteous individual. So stop blaming him or dividing the blame 50-50. If the blame should be split, it should be split with 90℅ of it to his wife and 10℅ to him. His wife had no justification for her actions and she is the only culprit here.

  12. My dear friend,
    Watch the "Silver Lining Playback" movie which is based on situtaion you faced.

    Hope so you will get that how to be come out of this psychetric problem.

    And obviously, You should divorce her that she is not deserving you.
    Believe in Allah and you will soon better inshaAllah.

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