My Wife Has Left Me Devastated and Heartbroken
I am a man in love. I love my wife deeply, with a love that few men can have for their wives. I've been a good husband to her, loved her with all my heart, nourished her, protected and supported her in the darkest of times in our beautiful marriage. I swear I never committed any injustice to her ever, ever.
She is my second wife, I also have a first wife who I told to leave me after I married my second wife who is also my only true love. But me and my first wife have no wish to reconcile now, too much has happened. She's brainwashed our sons and daughter and they've turned against me. I met my prospective second wife at work and when my first wife found out that I had fallen in love with her she had a huge fight with me and then she took our kids and left.
I told her there's no place for her in my house if she has a problem with what my heart cannot control. A few months after my wife left I grew lonely and I proposed to the love of my life and we married. My first wife returned with our kids after I remarried and my wives did not get along with each other at all. The woman who I loved and will continue to love till my last breath fought her off for my sake when the tension in the house escalated and I just told my first wife ''Oh well...bye bye''.
She has been living with our kids in her father's house since and since then I've only gone and met her less than a dozen times and had relations with her even fewer times and so our relationship has been practically ''dead'' for the past five years and initially she and her brothers did not even let me see my children.
Alhamdulillah, with the intervention of my elders, they allowed me to see my children but I guess not seeing them was better, their mother and her family have turned them against me. I have no respect for that woman at all now. I hate having to see my children stare at me as if I am something foreign.
Me and my beloved have a beautiful daughter mashallah and she's a year old now. However my wife has given up caring for our daughter and she did not even breastfeed her and she even neglected her. For me this is shocking. How can a mother sleep comfortably at night when her baby wails and cries into the night.
I was the one who was left to wake up at night and attend to my daughter. I've been both a mother and father figure for our daughter since she was just two months old. My wife, whom I still love very much, does not care for her at all.
And I have just discovered she has started an affair with her cousin. I caught some suspicious text messages to and from her cousin on her phone and when I confronted her about it she denied it and even swore an oath that it must have been a mistake. I knew well that this could not be a mistake but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
But one day I came home to see my wife and her cousin home alone talking in her bedroom, which is odd since guests are received in the living room. She made up a number of silly excuses and I said to myself that I'll just let the matter pass because I love her so much.
But just a few weeks ago, something terrible happened. It shook my world. I walked in on them back home from work with each of them in an indecent position. I flew into a rage after which my wife left me. I called her up a couple of times, when my temper calmed down, and I said I can forgive her if she just comes home. But she has been demanding a divorce and nothing less from me. So its just me and my daughter now, alone.
Please I really do love her. I am prepared to walk the world for her. I'll forgive her. But I want her back. Please tell me how to get her back. I love her.
~ Yahooo
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السَلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَ رَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَ بَرَكَاتُهُُ
I'm really very sad to hear of this brother. I am quite simply speechless. The following saying comes into mind, "jaise karo gaye, vaise bharo gaye" translated, "What goes around, comes around". I would personally sit with wife no1 and say how you want to be happy as a family, united and one. Bringing the children up together. For the sake of the children. With kind words and sincere sincerity I believe in Allah swt and he will help you. Get close to Allah swt first and pour your heart to him, he will listen, and you too will see a clear path.
Second wife, say the same. Say how you wish to live amicably as husband and wife with your daughter and previous children and first wife. Ask what you can do to make her happy, what shortfall is there in you that she is going elsewhere. You could seat both wives together and bring in elders but this I feel will make things very messy. A husband and wife is such a close bond, that I believe if talked properly you can settle your differences.
May Allah swt give you inner peace, himmat to face such a hard trial in your life. آمِيْن.
ND, UK
OP: I told her there's no place for her in my house if she has a problem with what my heart cannot control
Now you have a problem with what your new wife's heart can't control.
Now go look for a third wife.
I totally agree with 'SVS' as you say you loved your First Wife yet you HURT her, good on your Second Wife for HURTING you as you Deserve it. You said you can't control the Heart so give her a Divorce and let her be Happy. Sounds like Lust to me not Love because you never would have Hurt your First Wife in the First Place by Lusting for another Woman?! You need to LOWER YOUR GAZE, Women are Equal to Men NOT lower then Men and they Deserve to be Happy too with a Man who will make them feel Loved. Go and get a Third Wife and Forth and so on as I do not feel sorry for you. What goes around comes around and I hope your First Wife finds a DECENT Man who will Truly Love her!!!!!
Ya Allah.
I think it might be good if you spent some time getting closer to Allah (SWT) and examining your own character. There is a great 'Uthman dan Fodio book that can really help with the faults of the character.
You also need to divorce your first wife and let her go. She has a right to her own life, without being bound to a man who despises her.
You married a second wife, knowing you couldn't do justice to both. This was something you failed to think through because you *wanted.* Your second wife plays you for the fool with another man - and still, you *want.*
She is not interested in you, not interested in your child. You may *want* all you desire - but she does not.
My husband just walked in, and his comment is "What did he expect? He has no loyalty, why should she?"
The place for you to start is on yourself, not on your wives. The terrible truth is that until you develop your character enough to treat others with respect and the understanding that they are not just toys for your amusement, I suspect no marriage will work well for you.
Salam brother,
I don't understand brother what you want us to say? I mean please read your post from the beginning. And this has got noting to do with feminism! If you were a women I would say exactly the same thing I am saying now.
You had an affair with a women at work and told your wife (when she found out) that she has to live with it or leave! She chose to leave! (Rightly so)No man or women would happily accept their spouse to continue their affair. Then you married the women you had an affair with.
Now she turns around and does the same thing to you! I just can't seem to find any sympathy for this situation. I always think that why do good people end up with bad and bad people end up with good! But in your case you and your second wife are the same!
How can a person who is happy to have an affair make a loving and reliable spouse? Please ask forgiveness from your first wife. And if you wish to reconcile from your heart make sure its for the right reasons.
آمِيْن to that sister. Everyones comments are so right. Its saddening really is.
I know this is going to sound harsh but you got what you deserved !!! You were married to your first wife but betrayed her for your lover who you later married !!! You said "oh wel bye bye "'to your first wife? Is that the respect you had for her ? You felt no remorse over bringing another woman into her life ! This is karma, and you deserve every second of it !
Turn to Allah swt and repent, also apologise to your first wife . Look at yourself in the mirror and understand the mistakes you have made !
May Allah swt guide you.
Brother, you don't seem like you're in a normal state. How can you still love your wife and want her back home with you after what she has done to you and your child? What exactly is making you love her so much that you can literally forgive her for anything she does? Sorry to say, but she sounds like a horrendous woman, and the worst example of what a mother and wife should be. What is so loveable about her?
It seems like you have low self-esteem, and aren't very good at being on your own. You went directly from your 1st wife to your 2nd, you didn't even take a break in between to really evalutae your situation and sort things out with your 1st wife. Now look at the mess you are in.
I don't think you want advice as to what you should do. I think you know everyone is going to tell you to get a divorce. To both wives. But I'm sensing that's not an option for you. At leats not with wife numero dos. You are very set on wanting your 2nd wife back. I'd rather that you take a step back and really think logically about what kind of woman you want to share your bed with. Someone who doesn't respect you. Someone who rejects the children she has with you. Someone who lies to you about her fidelity. Someone who disrespects herself and her entire family by having adulterous, haram relationships - and you catch her at it, too!
I'll tell you what you can do to get your wife back. You allow her to move in to your home with her lover. Actually, you should let them take your house, and you should offer to sleep in the car to give those two some privacy. Oh, and you should offer to look after her daughter while she's in bed with her lover. That's how you might get her back. Because it's not you she wants, she obviously wants her lover.
Assalam alaikum Brother,
You wrote:
"The woman who I loved and will continue to love till my last breath fought her off for my sake when the tension in the house escalated and I just told my first wife ''Oh well...bye bye''."
Brother, you let your 2nd wife fight your 1st wife away and your attitude about it all is "Oh well."
I'm afraid you don't know even know who the love of your life is. You are in love with fulfilling your desires, not tending to your affairs with respect, dignity, care and love. I think your second marriage was nothing short of escapism, a technique you might have unintentionally fallen into, but nonetheless, still fallen into.
I suggest that you turn to Allah swt, pray and ask for help from Allah swt. Try not to make any contact with either your first or 2nd wife at this point in time until your mind is clear. You may find out later that you don't want either of them so trying to revive anything with them at this crucial time would prove to be a failure. Once you have acknowledged to yourself where you went wrong, learnt from the errors and ask Allah for forgiveness, then perhaps you will be sure as to what you should do and how to do it. This is not the time to do that.
May Allah swt help you, your wives, and your children through this mess, Ameen.
Subhana Allah.
Such a wonderful and well thought out answer. I suggest the brother take this advice and focus on his relationship with Allah rather than his relationship with his wives.
Brother,
As someone who grew up in a home whereby my father tossed my mother to the curb after 13 years of marriage for the "newer model", I can relate to your children and how they feel. My mother was a good woman. She was kind hearted and took very good care of us children. I spent my youth feeling neglected by my father and hated him probably until he died. I forgave him but, I hated him for what he did. He took a happy home and left my mother with five small children to care for. She struggled her whole life and worked like a dog to support us children. We were only kids but we loved our mother and wanted her to find another man to spend her life with. She absolutely refused because in her eyes, she had an obligation to take care of us and give us the best life she could. She did just that and there is not a day that passes that I am beyond grateful to her and the sacrifices she made.
If you don't want to lose your children and their respect for you...get involved in their lives before it's too late. They see you as the reason that you and their mom are not together anymore. They see you as the home wrecker. They dislike you very much right now but they also want you to be involved with their lives. Take them to dinner or to a movie. Show them that no matter what has happened between you and their mother, you do care for them and love them very much. Never disrespect their mother or talk down about their mother with them as it will only make them dislike you even more. Unless you want to grow old and have grown children who want nothing to do with you, you should act now.
As for wife number two, it is what is it. She is an adulterer and on top of that, she doesn't even take care of her child...your child. What kind of woman is that? Brother...I pray for your sake that you seriously take a moment and sit down and take a look at your life as a whole. It's a mess. You want your second wife back even though you know she was in your bed with another man. Even if she comes home to you... do you seriously think it won't happen again? Can you go to work each day wondering who is in your home or worse, who is in your bed? I sincerely hope you can work through the situation you find yourself in.
Salam
Good Advice! Very Constructive I must say 🙂
Thank you for your kind words 🙂
OP : I have no respect for that woman at
all now.
She lost your respect? Well, she earned mine.
Shame on you. You thought you knew best, only Allah knows best. Allah provided you with a beautiful wife and children, but it was never enough for you. You allowed the shaytaan to control your desires and cheated on with what? Someone who did exactly the same thing to you.... Where is your shaytaan now who gave you the illusion of having an affair is amazing? Go ask him? That's right you can't. Shaytaan always breaks a home at the time of anger and be a persons desires! You are the most self- centred unappreciative man to have lost your first wife to a piece of office skirt!!!!! Shame on you.
My advice is mend your ways now, fall on your knees and beg Allah for forgiveness. Beg forgiveness off your first wife and children and forgive yourself for being such a stupid man to allow your nafs to control you. Leave your 2nd wife alone, she will get tired of the other bloke as well... Women who are part of breaking a home are cursed so she needs to seek allahs forgiveness as well. However just pray and pray to our Allah and get involved with your children again. Children need a fathers love not someone who still wants to be Romeo!
Sa
I dnt even feel bad for u I'm sorry to say.
Sum ppl ask for trouble. I'm sure a lot of the ppl here hve answered this post quite nicely
But I felt that you should know from a women's view how it feels.
Maybe your first wife did really love you and wanted to make this work.
As a women I could relate to see my husband walking out on me and cheating with another women.
Men just think this is something that "happens."
You my friend need to get your life on track, prioritize your responsibilities, and stop being a Casanova. If you bought children in this world then it's you're duty to take care of them! And ur first wife should forgive you for hurting her before Allah can, since it seems lkle you hve really hurt her and you're children. Tc
Well brother your second wife tells you now, there's no place for you in her heart if you have a problem with what her heart cannot control. Get over it brother you deserve it.
Salam Aleykoum brother,
I learnt in my short life that we (humans) should not be attached to things or peoples in this life...
But we always do.
I do not have any advice for you, exept that you should try to consider her as your wife that you like. But try to take some distances with your feelings.
Extrem feelings destroy peoples.
i was thinking about something few days ago (and i need your opinion about it brothers and sister):
Do you think that the feeling (and i am talking about the deep feeling when we fall in love like kids, the passion of love) is a kind of idolize?
I explain myself: We can love, there is no problems about it, but that feeling who make the husband or the wife BLIND from everything or any comments. That feeling that monopolize all our thoughts while we should think about things much more important and be rational.
Do you think brothers and sisters that it is a kind of "idolizing the person we -love-"?
"Hold firmly to what We have given you, and hearken (to the Law)": They said:" We hear, and we disobey:" And their hearts were filled (with the love) of the calf because of their Faithlessness. S2:92
Do you think that this blind love is a kind of same?
Salam
Silver99
Silver99: We can love, there is no problems about it, but that feeling who make the husband or the wife BLIND from everything or any comments. That feeling that monopolize all our thoughts while we should think about things much more important and be rational. Do you think brothers and sisters that it is a kind of "idolizing the person we -love-"?
How many married couples have you met who are in that kind of love where they become blind for everything? Do you have in real life examples?
SVS: Well, you even have an example in this post my friend.
A lot of men and women (married or not) are too much dependent about their feelings (me included; don't think that the world is worster than me). We are, blind from the right behavior we should have with our partners when we fall in love with. Some are supra dependent, some other are unfairly jealous, some others have hit, killed their partners because of jealousy. We are still loving, but too much and we forget all, and become BLIND.
Just make a reasearch inside this forum, you will find some married men or women who are talking about suicidal stuff because their partners left. What is it if it's not being blinded with love since we should not be attach ourselves to peoples at this point?
Silver99: Just make a research inside this forum, you will find some married men or women who are talking about suicidal stuff because their partners left. What is it if it's not being blinded with love since we should not be attach ourselves to peoples at this point?
People who love don't just leave their partners. These women who are suicidal may have psychological problems, financial problems.
You said it: "may".
Everything is connected to phychological things anyways.
Polyteistics peoples and monotheistics peoples do not have the same phychological way of thinking.
And i'am talking about "things" that can make peoples's phychological way of thinking change.
I agree with the post above, i do not feel sorry you, for must men"s like you because you had a nice wife and a baby and u went and got 2nd wife, what makes you think you will be happy with wife # 2? I'm sure there was nothing wrong with your 1st wife, so Allah loves all of us what goes around comes around so, feel the pain that your wife felt, alotttt of people from my country got a 2nd wife they thought there in love, what happen the wife walk all over them and spent all there money they regret it.left there family and wife, ya men's need to open ya eyes and be thankful you have a nice wife who gave you a family instead of doing something like this. I don't feel sorry for you at all. It break my heart for a lot of women these days.
Salam,
I do agree with you, but i also not.
Even if we are married, husbands can have a second wife whatever the reasons.
But there are conditions to marry an other wife.
"If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice." (S4v3)
So we know that the condition is to be just with the wifes: No descriminations, no preferences.
But (as a wrote on my message above) we are BLIND from truth because our exeeding "love" and become unfair.
In the case of brother Yahooo, in my understanding, he was and still is very very unfair to his first wife. We all make mistake, but it's not the good behavior to have with a woman we marry and and kids with.
Silver99
tit for tat.
What comes around goes around you deserved it.
Men like you give other men a bad name.
You don't deserve any woman in my opinion your a serious womanizer and a cheater.
It is reported:
If the man mentioned in the hadith found mercy on his less-than-half-journey to seek forgivenes, I am sure we can offer the brother advice as to how to seek forgiveness....we can let Allah swt worry about the burden of what he is and isn't deserving of after he chooses the right path to follow, inn shaa Allah.
Salaam Alaikum sisters and brothers,
It's never too late to do the right thing, please brother don't let your male ego get in the way of your family, please bring your 1st wife and children back and make it a better place for those children, they deserve peace love and happiness, please brother
Brother,
I would suggest you to read some books , or atleast one of them to change your life.
I see that you are blaming your wives for their behaviour.Although what they have done is wrong, I think the main issue here is with your way of thinking and behaving as a man. This may sound harsh on you, but someone has to tell you, else you'll keep repeating the mistakes again and again and have your heart broken everytime.
You have to become more of a masculine man and act accordingly.
Here are some recommendations: (they can be found as a pdf version)
The way of the Superior Man
The Book of Pook
No more Mr.NIce Guy
later on you can read,
His needs, Her needs.
Married Man Sex Life Primer
May Allah relieve you of your worries.
Brother you are so brave. I wish my husband will forgive me . May Allah heal you pain
I don't even feel bad for you. Like honestly, you told your first wife that is she has a problem with whats in your heart and a bunch of other BS, she can leave, well isn't your 2nd wide doing the right thing too then? She can't control her feelings, just like you couldn't control,as for your kids, you really think they would have any love or respect for l someone who heart their mother and left her for a new women? Use some common sense,please. If lost your respect for her? Well I'm pretty sure many other people have gained respect for her after what you put her through. MashAllah, she is a strong women.i really hope you realize your mistakes and re-evaluate. You probably don't like what I am saying, but as the saying goes, truth hurts.
I think u should have solved issues with ur first wife second u made a mistake by marrying a beautiful girl and I think she is younger in age than ur compatible age it's the second mistake chines say a ugly wife keep the house and husband and his family happy so better go for a average looking girl and religious not beauty I also married a beautiful girl first she left me I tried and I was also mad about her like u I have a beautiful daughter but I seen her ones I just gave up 6 months back and married to a divorced girl she is Aleema and Alhamdulliallah happy with her now I am too much handsome guy it's true I am but I think marrying a average girl improves ur life because she stick to u all the time bro better solve first wife issues or else leave both and give some time for ur self look forget about kids just give them enough money depending upon your wealth according to Islam look if your first wife kids Don't have respect for u than forget them even if you make slipperss of your skin they won't care about u and coming to your second wife a character less woman will raise her kids as she lived her life just give divorce and leave them both and pay them according to Islam and look for a poor average girl and marry Inshallha everything will be ok