Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife lied to my family to get Nikahfied

Lies, telling lies, lying

I got married to a girl recently but rukhsati has not taken place. This was an arranged marriage. I am looking to get some advice on whether I should continue this relationship namely to proceed with a rukhsati or divorce her, as there are some major issues which can be summarised as:

  1. The girl lied about her age and I found out her actual age after nikah when I started speaking to the girl. Her age is a concern for me as she is older than the age mark I would have considered for marriage. I kind of ignored it following advice from friends until I was hit with another shock described in (2).
  2. My wife and in-laws did not disclose to me and my family that she had a nikah in the past which ended in divorce before ruksati. This was the second shock after the age.
  3. The girl’s attitude is very bad- I noted this even before I found out about her previous marriage. She has a very aggressive and condescending attitude, and I do not feel getting respect from her. She even says from her mouth that she is from a wealthy family just try to appear superior to me, though I really don’t care about her financial status and I would never on the earth accept any financial help from her. Even when we found out about her nikah, her parents spoke to my family in a disrespectful manner rather than being apologetic for hiding it. However, on the other hand they really want to save the marriage.

The foundation of the marriage is based on lies and I am not convinced whether I can trust my wife. Should I divorce her or give this relationship a chance? If I give her a chance, can I really expect that she will change her attitude?


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10 Responses »

  1. You clearly have a very poor view of your wife already , which is not a good start to marriage. You have to give and take in marriage maybe there were reasons your wife did not disclose her age etc. You should talk with your wife and get to know the things you are complaining about publicly. You spoke about respect , yet you are not showing her any respect by publicly bad mouthing her.
    May Allah (swt) guide us all Ameen.

    • The brother is asking for advice here. He is not bad mouthing his wife. This forum is anonymous and he has not disclosed any distinguishing details so it is not considered backbiting.

      Brother disturbed, your wife and in laws have lied to you and hidden significant information which might have influenced your decision whether to marry her or not. Marriage is a contract and you must have all relevant information before entering into it. Lying is haram in all aspects of life. More so in marriage as it can have lifelong implications. This woman and her family have shown bad traits of character by lying. They then added insult to injury by behaving rudely when their lies were discovered. Moreover, your wife appears to be proud and disrespectful of you.

      Simple advice brother... do not go ahead with this marriage. The Qur'an says that there is no blame if men divorce their wives before consummation (rukhsati) has taken place. She does not appear to be a religious and god fearing woman and this is the most important aspect to be sought in a spouse.

      Set her, and yourself, free from what could be a lifetime of regrets and misery.

  2. She is lieing and even not feel ashamed on it. This kind of lie is not considered to be the act of one person and it seems to be a team work. What I am seeing if some thing happens in future this family will be gang up on you and try to pressurize you anyways especially after children. Better to stop continuing with her and apologize with them respectfully and tell them we are different people in terms of values and morals. God bless you.

  3. Brother how much did you talk to her before agreeing to marry her. You didn't know her age? Was this a total arrange marriage where you were not allowed to talk to her . Yes, marriage should not be based on lies. I agree. How much research have you done on her before marrying her?

    • Reply to prayerful sister.
      I appreciate you kindly giving your opinion -as that is what these comments are "opinions and advice".
      My opinion is that it is wrong to ask strangers on advice on your wife and ask whether or not to marry them on a public website, whether he remains annoymous or not, it is not fair to his wife to publicly dislose problems which could have been dealt with in a more sympathetic and effective way.
      The best way to deal which such problems is to communicate with the wife and if matters are not resolved then my advice is to pray and ask for Allah (swt) for guideance on the matter.

      • What's the purpose of this website then? Get Islamic advice and gain knowledge. Many people come here with many stituations, read the post topics. He is not overly exposing who he is. He has don't nothing to ask questions here as this is the purpose of the website and the title of the website.

  4. First, you have provided only your point of view, so everyone here only can base their comments on what you have said. Your wife was not honest with you about her age and the fact that she was married and divorced. Ask yourself: Did you have the opportunity to actually talk to her about herself or was everything regarding the wedding done by someone else? Do you yourself have some secrets that she does not know about? Is the age difference from what you wanted that considerable?

    You said that your wife is very aggressive and has a condescending attitude, and that you don't feel you are respected. However, what you have said is very vague and pretty much your own opinion, since some men feel that if a woman does not say yes to everything he asks, she is being disrespectful. Does she not laugh at your jokes? Or does she ignore you while you are talking to her? Ask yourself what you mean by aggressive or condescending, and also why your wife behaves this way toward you. Just think. She actually may have a reason for this behavior, if in fact that is what it is. Maybe she does not want to be married and is behaving badly to make you want to divorce her. Have you talked with her about her bad behavior?

    Because you do not seem to get along with your wife, it might be best to divorce her. But be very, very careful with your decision, since you might be a sensitive man or one who expects to get his way all the time. Or maybe the two of you are just 2 spoiled, immature people who need to grow up some more before they get married.

    • If you do not care about or respect this woman then let her go, give her a chance of finding a pious spouse someone who respects her and does not go on websites discussing her faults.
      She deserves much better.
      And as for the women on here constantly agreeing to men discussing personal martial issues on websites is ridiculous.
      How would you feel if your husband was telling thousands of people your private business under an annoyomous name.
      Really worrying the people who join together and permit what is wrong.

      • He is not telling his personal business to the whole world. He came here specifically to get advice. Not gossiping and complaining. Many people don't have a a source to talk to anyone about their problems, or simply feel comfortable posting it online and get broader perspective.

        • Thank you Tami for pointing this out.

          Some responses here may make the poster feel bad about asking for advice. He has done nothing wrong in reaching out to this online community.

          He is asking for advice to help him make a monumental decision about his future as well as his wife's. I don't imagine he has taken this step lightly.

          These posts also serve as an invaluable source of information, advice and support for others who may be seeking answers to their own problems. It is especially useful for many who have no one else to turn to for support and advice. And many have been benefitted by the advice given by forum users. As a direct result of advice and support found here, men and women have found the courage to leave abusive marriages. Bad decisions have been avoided. Others have found the strength to leave sins or make amends for wrongs they have done. Some on the verge of suicide have been helped to find hope in their difficult circumstances. Abortions have been avoided. People have learnt from mistakes and returned to the deen. New reverts to the religion have been welcomed and found support from this community. Youngsters have been rightly guided on issues they don't feel comfortable speaking to anyone else regarding.

          I could go on.

          I've been reading this forum for just over a year now and am constantly amazed at the difficulties people face and their resilience, as well as the often life changing advice given by wonderful people.

          I genuinely remember to pray for the people who come here for advice and wish them well. Because everyone who posts a problem here is being tested in their own particular way.

          Long may this forum continue!

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