Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife not allowing sex because I can’t afford her

Wife Denies Sex

Wife Denies Sex

Salam,

When I married, at that time I was student and we were working me and my wife both. In my wage I was paying college fees and house expenses as much I can contribute. I always given my wage to wife then when needed asked her. My first two colleges revoked and I get admission in third college and paid fee using my credit card and was paying credit card bill to my wage and when applied married visa it was refused due my mistake and case went on appeal.

During this time they stopped me working. Now only my wife was working and she cleared all my bills with her credit card because she got a two year interest free card.

But after that she stopped sex with me until I get back in a financial position to afford her. Sometimes I asked her but she always refuses. I always listen her and ask her I don't want every day just once or after two week one time. But when I spoke to her she always said you nothing did for me so I cannot give you sex right now when you cannot afford me. So when I feel I want sex she's refusing, so I use masturbate to satisfy my self.

Please tell me what I will do ?? Hows responsible for this or Islam allow her? If yes so then I will never force her. That's why sometimes I stay depressed and tense and mood off. InshAllah soon I will get my visa so will start work again.

ummer

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31 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    I am sorry for the difficult financial and marital issues that you are having to go through.

    Firstly, I do think it is important that you speak to an Imam as this sounds very serious and the matter should have input from a scholar.

    In terms of an opinion, I believe that there are other problems in your marriage and the symptoms of that can be seen in how your wife relates to you in financial and intimacy concerns. There truly seems to be a lack of mercy and love in your relationship--is it possible to seek counselling with a Muslim counsellor?

    Frankly, I believe your wife should be understanding during this challenging time--and since she does not appear to be, it suggests that she fears something--perhaps she fears that this is a permanent situation OR if she gives in, her sacrifice won't be recognized OR she is influenced by horror stories about those men who use their wife to gain citizenship...there is some insecurity that has manifested itself in her thinking, which does not sound reasonable--therefore, you need to get at the root of the problem as this is no way to live (in my opinon).

    Again, I reiterate, seek the advice of an Imam and help from counselling. May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

    • There truly seems to be a lack of mercy and love in your relationship--is it possible to seek counselling with a Muslim counsellor?

      I dont think the husband needs counseling I think its more the wife who needs counseling.
      Its still no excuse what she is doing I feel sorry for the man for being very patience living with her.

      • "Frankly, I believe your wife should be understanding during this challenging time"

        To clarify (& and if you completely read the next paragraph) I meant that his wife lacks love and mercy for him--so, yes, they need to go to counselling because if this doesn't change, he needs to consider others options. Going to counselling together may help him to see the root of the problem as this is no way to live (as I already mentioned).

      • There truly seems to be a lack of mercy and love in your relationship--is it possible to seek counselling with a Muslim counsellor or visit your nearest mosque.
        Regards

    • I would agree with sister Saba, your wife seems insecure and possibly because she is frustrated about having to take care of you financially which is essentially the husbabds role, or she fears that you may become used to her taking care of you financially. How is she otherwise, is she cold towards or does she respect you and show her love?

      I think counselling would be a good place to start because being rejected sexual intimacy can be quite hurtful and can damage the relationship.

      May Allah swt bless your marriage, ameen.

    • I was in a hurry when I wrote my first post here and thought a little more about this. I noticed that other people consider your wife to be selfish while others feel that she has helped you out a lot. This is actually the problem--Right now in your marriage the both of you are doing roles that are not necessarily meant for you. And, to be frank, there have been many cases where spouses use their spouse to gain citizenship (you mentioned marriage visa) or financial aid with no intention of pursuing a long-term marriage. So although I think that your wife's behaviour is strange (and probably unreasonable), I also think factors that influence her decision would be how long have you both been married; fear of falling pregnant with no financial support (as mentioned below); insecure about your sincerity towards the marriage (as some people can be decieving).

      Now, the above list is not meant to be used as an excuse; however, there are many people who have posted on this site their stories about being decieved after marrage (both men and women) and typically people advise that they should have been cautious, especially in the beginning of the marriage. So again, with better communication, advice from an Imam, and help from a counsellor, this matter should be resolved, inn shaa Allah.

  2. hussain, I deleted your comment. I guess you wrote all those names for the purpose of Istikhara? In reality Salat-al-Istikhara has nothing to do with names or birth dates. Please read our articles on Istikhara (links at the top of the page) to learn more.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Issah this person is constantly provoking me to have a quarrel. wherever i comment he comes and intervene me saying things like this ----> Sister, are you sure you reread your own comments before posting them here?
      . please ask him to stop following me.

    • @WAEL this person is constantly provoking me to have a quarrel. wherever i comment he comes and intervene me saying things like this ----> Sister, are you sure you reread your own comments before posting them here?
      . please ask him to stop following me.

  3. I cannot believe what you are going through. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. May Allah help you through this difficult time inshAllah.

    No one should live a marriage like this nor it should be acceptable. She for one islamically is in the wrong for not fulfilling her duties has a wife. Your wife needs help and she is very selfish and greedy.

    • Samina why is she greedy for? No she's not

    • Assalamualikum.
      Sorry to say but we cannot blame the wife. She maybe islamically wrong but the financial support she is giving to her husband has a huge negative impact on her as a wife of a muslim man who really is the one to be supporting her instead of her supporting him.
      I can relate so much to this as I infact applied for a Khula and was granted. No any woman can live long to supporting your husband for long is like degrading you as a woman.
      I dont encourage sisters to do what I did, at first place it needs courage and firmness especially if you have children to consider.
      I would like to advise this brother to please secure yourself financially as soon as you can and InshaALLAH with your blessed aim you will get better soon. Save your married life.

  4. I honestly agree with samina 100% your wife sound selfish and greedy, she should love you if you work or no work your a good man for putting up with her selfish self!!! Your a men that needs his needs too.she need to stop with this attuide sorry if I sound harsh that's what I think, where I ce
    From men and women need to respect each other and be there for each other!!! Good luck.

  5. What i feel is, it is wrong for a wife to behave in that manner. Sex is an important thing after marriage life. islam has given importance to sex after marriage. A wife should obey the husband no matter whatever she's doing if the husband calls her for sex. Refusing to have sex will lead to divorce.
    There is another reason why i think she refuses to give sex. She might fear during ur financial crisis if u have sex and in sha allah if she gets pregnant she wont be able to take care of herself and the baby. Money will play a big role. He food should be proper, whe cant work if she's conceived. She has to rest. Should be out of stress. But since u r financially out and during this time if she gets pregnant. It might be an addon to ur problems.
    But whatever it is she as a wife should safisfy ur desires or alatleast tell the reason as to why she refuses.

    May Allah forgive her and grant u both a happy life ahead.

    Salamz.

  6. Ummer,

    If a woman refuses her husband’s request to come to bed with no Islamically sound reason (such as sickness, or his being drunk, for example), the angels will curse her till morning (Reported by al-Bukhaari).

    Withholding sex from you due to your situation is not going to help the current situation...in fact, it could very well have the opposite effect. I pray the two of you can work together and come to some sort of mutual understanding. Your wife possibly feels like you are taking advantage of her and lets face it...no one wants to be taken advantage of. The best remedy for your situation is to sit down and talk with each other. Allah hu Alem.

    Salam

  7. Asalamualiakum,
    In short words, I met a girl from a Marriage site we start talking after 3 months later we decided to get married I arranged every thing for marriage such as ..New Car/House/ Cloths / Bed / jewellery etc Every thing.

    Now she's gone and she wrote me you're highly religious ...I'm not so you aren't for me Now What Should I do ?
    My heart saying to me Publish all skype conversations on youtube and her pictures she sent me .......??
    Last day on the phone I was crying and she was laughing at me she was saying Oh Adam when you're getting married are you at new home hahahhaah.... Please advice me I didn't eat 2 days she was laughing at me go pray Nemaz and pray Azan in the mosque hahhah
    She's from Glasgow I want to kill my self and her .... what should I do ....why she played with me.... ?????

    • Adam, I'm sorry to hear about this. It sounds like you're better off without this woman. Do not publish her conversations or photos. There is no benefit in returning wrong with wrong. The only cure for your heartbreak is time. Cut off your contact with her completely and give it time. Keep yourself busy with deen, work or studies, and hobbies.

      If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, rather than commenting on someone else's post.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As Salam Alaykum brother Adam
      May Allah makes easy upon you. Did you do istikarah before buying all. If she that kind of muslima don't worry Allah will give better to you. I met my zawji on muslima.com al hamdulillah 6 years ago. I was just reverted to Islam a month before the Nikah I canceled all. He cried a lot then I made istikarah again and here I'm married 2 kids and expecting my 3 al hamdulillah. If she not means to be Allah will gives to you better. Keep doing instikara hand ask Allah for better. Do the dua of test.
      My zawji was just divorce and suffered a lot when I said I will not marry him he cried a lot and he was angry all Nikah stuff bought and ready. But we did the good thing he went back to Allah and begged Allah to have mercy upon him. So I wish Allah will give a better wife to be to you. Allah loves the sabrines. So have sabr.
      May he reply fast to your Duas too.

    • Walykum Salam bro Adam

      I think you should thank allah because she revealed her true self. Imagine what would be your state if you married a girl who is not pious or a muslimah?

      I think you should erase her from your memory and start looking for a muslimah .

      May allah make it easier for you .

      Wallahu aalam

  8. *Now only my wife was working and she cleared all my bills with her credit card because she got a two year interest free card.
    your wife paid the bills,
    she cook
    she wash the clothes
    she wash the utensils
    she clean and dust the house
    she did job
    what else now you demand
    it is your wife who remain beside you in your time of crisis otherwise girls dont stay with poor men its the reality when a woman becomes a wife you will see her real face in the time of crisis, she spend her money to pay the bills.
    from Islamic perspective you are giving her nothing. you are not fulfilling the rights
    you r saying that you will get some work soon. then why you feel so restless to have sex. it means you will not be able to get work at least in 2 months i guess, it seems you will get it in one year or two.
    she is hopeless. she is doing all the work at home and you are just eating and complaining i guess she is very right. how can she fulfill your right when you are not able to fulfill her rights. you see!
    go get job thats not her duty Man!
    and i dont understand why most of here have become blind calling her selfish.

    • Sister, are you sure you reread your own comments before posting them here? A successful Islamic marriage (and any marriage) is not about give and take. It's about mutual understanding between the two couple, especially during hardships--this is where true love in marital home begins. The OP's situation is a sincere situation and he is not at blame (Islamically) so long as he sincerely keeps on trying, but judging him by saying why does he feel so restless to have sex, or denying him his right for no Islamic reason, is unacceptable in Islam.

  9. This is very stupid that's wrong it's friends brain washing. If you can't be a support to your husband in his hard times then you can't be his life partner sorry

  10. Dear brother you ask DOES ISLAM ALLOW HER THIS?
    Simple answer is NO Islam does not allow her to refuse you HOWEVER Islam does not allow you either to live the way you are living with your wife. You are fulfilling none of your responsibilities towards her. She is taking care of you like child.

    I do commend her for financially supporting you in your difficult time. It's your turn to at least pamper her emotionally,help her in household,be grateful to her verbally ,physically for her help instead of getting irritated and complaining . Who knows your positive attitude towards her will soften her heart.

    Once you will be an islamic husband towards her,she most likely will become islamic wife towards you.

  11. if a husband can't full fill the basic needs of his wife, like food, cloths shelter. then the wife has right to stop him from sex.. as wat i learned.

  12. clearly she and you are not going to have a happy marriage ever.

    DIVORCE it sounds harsh but it will be good for you and her and find someone who appreciates and your life and earnings and does well lol the hanky panky 🙂 and also loves you in whatever your health and wealth situation is.

    • The problem is that he doesn't have any earnings right now--so they can't be appreciated as you have suggested.

      Divorce is an option that is always available, but to be taken as the first choice without further seeking a solution, this isn't wise to suggest.

      If you read through this site you can read about many women who were taken advantage of financially early in their marriage--this could be the fear of the OPs wife. There are even some men who have posted on the website about how their wives took advantage of them financially early early in the marriage. A lot of these details are left out making it challenging to advise definitively towards a divorce.

      The normal dynamics of the marriage are shattered--so no wonder it is wobbling when the pillars are not firmly standing. With some help from a counselling (together), communication, it is possible for this couple to bring their marriage back on track, inn shaa Allah.

  13. and also remember that you deserve to be happy

  14. Assalamu Alykum bother.

    The basic condition for a marriage is a man can support a wife financially. But your case is different. You were earning and you got married and due to some mistake you are not give a job now.

    I think we cant blame her or you. In this case you both need to be understanding and make sacrifices. She did support you when you were in need and she is still supporting you.

    You are not in a condition to earn at all. But she is still living with you and paying for you alhumdulillah. She did not dump your for ever. I think she only wants you to get back on your foot and start earning or working.

    She is denying sex it means you are not the only one who is sacrificing ... she is even sacrificing her sexual needs.

    My suggestion to you is ...
    Make dua
    Work towards solving the issue of visa.
    And if your urge is hard, fast for a day or two in week which is sunnah.
    And help her in other chores as much as possible.

    May allah tala make it easier for you and her.

    Wllahu aalam

    • Brother. In Islam, she is not suppose to refuse sex. If she does the angel curse her till morning. May Allah guide her to right path.

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