Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife confessed to her premarital relationships when asked to swear on Allah’s name.

Suspicion, suspicious thoughts

Assalamu Alaikum
Brothers and sisters,
Plz help me by giving your suggestions,
I had been married for 12 days, in our 1st night when I first kissed to my Wife; she was doing like she did it many times, when I asked her did she kiss to anyone ever before she replied in negative way.
And again when on the 3rd day of my marriage when we had intercourse she was taking some new positions which a newly married girl cannot do (In our area generally girls are not much aware of sex before marriage), When I asked her how did she know about this positions so she said that she once or twice saw Blue films on her friend’s mobile, so I kept quiet,
But this suspicion was killing me inside that might be she had pre marital affair, so, today I asked her by taking the name of Allah and the Azaan was also going on, then she confessed that once a boy kissed her forcefully, but after that she neither talked with him nor she was in contact with him and again when I asked her about did U both had sex or more than a kiss ?, then she replied in negative way but when I asked her to say in the Name of Allah or swear in the name of Allah then she simply leaved the room and went to my sister in law’s room, by seeing this my suspicion became more clear,

Now my question is
“I am very sensitive person, I cannot bear this kind of thing, and always I wanted my bride should be very clean from all sinful things like Fornication. Till Now I did not confirm that she had sex with that guy or not, I cannot resist if I come to know that what I suspect is true, this thing will kill me internally for the life time and I will not get interest in her while having intercourse, our Married relation would be just like Nominal or So called Wife and Husband, So, plz suggest me what shall I do?”

Mr Sameer20m

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51 Responses »

  1. Salam!

    First of all, after your first night together you would know if she had sex before you or not. And second of all, brother you are married to her. What happened in her past and your past WHY DOES IT MATTER! there is a reason is called the PAST! She is with you now so make the best out of it.

    • after your first night together you would know if she had sex before you or not

      not necessarily ! its a myth------ all this nonsense of bleed or no bleed. a virgin may not bleed and a nonvirgin may bleed.

      • I don't mean bleeding! There are other ways to find out. Physiologically speaking.

        • there is no way .... specially physiologically speaking

          • Ok. So why is it that many people worry so much about it if there is not way to find out? Don't make it seem that way! You are giving a very wrong impression.

        • [Comment removed by Editor]

          [Editor's comment: Please do not post such unpleasant and accusatory comments on this site - This is an Islamic website, and such language therefore has no place here. Midnightmoon, IslamicAnswers.com editor]

      • Well being a M.D Phd student yes some women may have there hymen tored but its very rate that not every women is born with hymen , most of them have it and intact unless horseriding ,streneous ohysical activity etc..

        Secondly sister amirah stop talking gibberish it does matter stop supporting those who have committed fornication l a virgin and a non virgin is not the same .. If you spread this idealogy then all girls will have for ication and say what happened in the past was"past" and oust.

        Fornicator is obliged for 100 flogs remember if u dont live in shariah country dont thinkur exempted and taubah verbally without punishment is not suffice.

        • After your first night together you would know if she had sex before you or not

          I don't think many men can figure that out. Many times girls can get intimate but avoid Intercourse
          OP should not have asked that question to begin with unless he was ready to accept both yes and no. Regarding positions, any one with Internet can learn everything about sex wihtout doing it.

          Did OP do any thing wrong before he got married?

        • Sadia: "Well being a M.D Phd student yes some women may have there hymen tored but its very rate that not every women is born with hymen"

          You really think virgin men are looking for hymen on their first night togather. I doubt it if most men even know where to look for.

        • @Sadia: I know what I meant and what you are saying is NOTHING close to what I mean! If she did sleep with someone else and she repent... WHAT? Shall she be punished eternally for it? NO! It's up to ALLAH to decide. I am not saying go on and do what you please without any consequences! Interesting how some people worry about what the girl does but not what the guy does!

          Allah knows best!

          • Then according to you Amira its ok to sin till you lose desire then repent and everything becomes OK. If that's the case then every muslim should do that as it is a win win situation. On the contrary, why are there hadiths about flogging and stoning to death?

          • hopelessbrother, why are you putting words in Amira's mouth? Your hypothetical is false, first of all because people do not lose desire by sinning. In fact, the desires increase the more one indulges them. Secondly, no one knows the time of his death. So the idea that one can commit sins until he tires of it then make tawbah is ridiculous.

            A sincere tawbah is real and is accepted by Allah. In Islam, tawbah is the way one repents and gets forgiven. That doesn't mean that the sin was okay, and I don't think anyone is implying otherwise.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Thank you brother Wael! Not sure why people are attacking me, when instead they should focus their comments on the brother who posted the question.

          • How is sinning a win-win situation? The only way it could be a win-win situation is if a person's thinking is limited to this very very temporary dunya.

          • Brother Wael what people generally do and what sister Amira was encouraging is they sin till they get fairly old and the desire naturally diminishes or in sisters case they want to have a family. So they repent, get married and are praised by most people like yourself and sister Amira. So it is a win situation here is this world because they have their fun and win situation in Akhira according to you guys because they have repented are super innocent. On the other hand the chaste ones like myself and the OP are bashed because we are frustrated and have no one to marry to because most are either current sinners or repenters. This comment should better not get censored like other comments because this is the reality!

          • hopelessbrother, it sounds like you don't understand what Tawbah is. In Islam, one of the conditions for Tawbah to be accepted is that a person sincerely regrets his past sins. That means that he feels ashamed of his deeds and wishes he did not commit them. Someone who has fun then changes his ways and gets married, while never truly regretting his past actions, has not performed a true Tawbah and it will not be accepted.

            You sound like a school child complaining that so-and-so cheated and got away with it, and got a better grade than you. Either you believe that Allah is All-Wise and Just, or you do not. Either you believe that everything will be counted and weighed on Qiyamah, or you do not. If you believe that Allah is Wise and Just then you must trust Him to know a person's heart, and to know when to accept tawbah and when to reject it. And if Allah accepts someone's tawbah then there is nothing for you to say.

            You are not responsible for what others do. Stop envying those who commit sins, for what they do is not good or beneficial in any way. Stop worrying about the state of someone else's soul and worry about your own.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • hopelessbrother: "On the other hand the chaste ones like myself and the OP are bashed because we are frustrated and have no one to marry to because most are either current sinners or repenters. This comment should better not get censored like other comments because this is the reality"

            It is good to know there are men like you out there who have never sinned and have no need to repent. Be hopeful you never know a God fearing woman is some where looking for you. Why are you getting bashed?

          • No need to repent? Wow. Even the Prophet Muhammad (sws) used to make istighfar many times every day, asking Allah's forgiveness.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Hopelessbrother,

            Being chaste has somehow deprived you from hope and contentment--I don't think that that is what you intended. If you are chaste, shouldn't it give you a feeling of peace and happiness? Why do you feel owed by the world for your chastity when it will be trait that will become a negotiating tool for you on the Day of Judgement--or do you not believe that? When we do good deeds, we do them for the sake of our own souls--our good deeds do not benefit Allah--our good deeds only help us if appreciate them or destroy us if it makes us lose our humility and feel superior over others.

            SVS,
            we all need to repent.

          • No sister Saba being chaste does not make me happy or content, I am just doing this out of fear of Allah and because that's what has been commanded to me. No man gets happy controlling his natural desires that Allah gave him. Islam is about controlling our nafs to please Allah. I don't know if you have read my past posts but my issue is not that I am complaining Allah laws nauzubillah. The Islamic concept of marriage is beautiful but the issue is that a very few follow that and I would rather die single than be a cuckold or a second option for a woman like in the OP's case.

            As for what bro Wael wrote, yes having fun and then repenting is cheating logically and both the chaste and a repenter shouldn't be the same unlike what sister Amira and you wrote earlier. I am not an Aalim but if that's the case I would much rather be the repenter when I turn 50.

          • Hopelessbrother,

            I don't remember saying that a chaste person and a repenter are equal, but it doesn't matter if I said it or didn't (my understanding of the Day of Judgement is that we don't expect Jannah because we think we are sinless, we strive for Jannah, but in our human ways, we may err and be punished. Even Muslims with small sins who avoided major sins will go to the Hell-fire so whenever I think of this, I try to balance my fear of Jahannum with my hope of Jannah)--what matters is how Allah will judge us-your issue sounds as if you don't like that Allah may forgive major sins, though I could be wrong.

            I do understand what you are saying--but I would suggest not getting caught up in matters that are beyond your control. If you follow the rules of Islam and you face a trial, then so be it. Not everything can be planned perfectly in this dunya and that is why it is called dunya. I would give the same advice to my close relatives--and to myself--in fact, it is the way I cope with challenges when I feel defeated by circumstances in my own life. I am sharing it, but this may be of no use to you.

      • From Islam Q and A:
        The man has no right to seek out information on the past from which his wife has repented, for the reasons outlined above. And the women should not tell her husband of what happened in the past that she has repented from; she should cover herself as Allaah has covered her. End quote.

        Thirdly:

        It is hoped that the wife will adhere to the oath she made when she swore to him that she did not have anything bad in her past. He has no right to force her to talk about her past, let alone make her swear. If she did that, it is a kind of permissible lying, even if she swore an oath, so as to ward off her husband’s foolishness and protect her honour, and to protect her husband and children.

        We are surprised that a righteous wife would retract her oath and disclose a past which Allaah had concealed.

        Many women ask about the ruling on telling their husbands about a past in which they admit to having committed sins from which they have repented. No one should have any doubt that the ruling is that they definitely should not tell, so as to protect the concealment that Allaah has granted, and so as to prevent her being shamed, and to protect her honour from being impugned by anyone, and to protect their married life from any disturbance.
        ....
        At the beginning of this answer we mentioned other benefits that have to do with concealing sins committed by the wife before marriage. We do not know of anyone who heard about his wife’s bad past and began to love her more or trust her more, even if she has repented sincerely and become righteous after that. On the contrary, we have seen and heard that doubts increase and that husbands keep a close watch on them and prevent them from doing things that Allaah has permitted, and that ends in divorce because it is impossible for them to live together.

  2. Did you also have a premarital relationship?

    • Or maybe like someone say there is internet she might have google something to learn more sex must girls do that before they get married to be aware.

  3. I don't mean to sound harsh!! Your a man you should know if the girl is a virgin or not this is your job sorry!! I have been married for 4 years marsallah I have always been clean but I wonder if my husand till me the truth if he was but past is past life goes on so t let it ruin your marriage.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    There are several possibilities, and all any of us can do is speculate; only Allah and your wife know the truth. If you want to know the truth, maybe try to sit down and calmly discuss the issue with her in as non-judgemental a way as you can.

    The things that you're basing your suspicions on aren't solid proof, so try not to get too pre-occupied with these doubts. For all you know, your wife spent time reading and talking to her female friends about how to please her husband (ie. you) in bed, and tried those positions because she thought you would like it. You say that they were positions a newly married girl couldn't do - there's no reason why a girl couldn't read up on these and try them out, whether she's been married for 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 years.

    You can't really take her walking out of the room as proof that she has had premarital relationships. Try to consider it from the perspective of a girl in that situation - she's newly married, trying to please her husband, being accused of premarital relations, and then told she must swear by the name of Allah - whether she has or has not had premarital relations, that would be a very distressing situation for her.

    Getting too hung up on these suspicions will poison your relationship - you don't have any firm basis for your suspicions and risk damaging the bond between you and your wife. I would advise that you try to talk with her in a non-judgemental way, saying to her why you have felt insecure and asking her to explain. Then, set the matter aside, work on building a loving, trusting relationship between you both, and have faith in Allah that things will be as He wills.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • very nicely placed midnightmoon.

    • All I can sense from the comment of midnightmoon is to save the member of her own gender.Typical female response.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Actually, gender has nothing to do with whether or not evidence exists. It makes no difference if the person being suspected is male or female - what has been described (some knowledge of sexual positions, walking out of a room when repeatedly challenged) doesn't prove anything.

        If I'm trying to "save" anything, it's the original poster's chance at going on to have a positive relationship with his wife.

        You may wish to reflect on how you view and treat women. Islamically, women are to be treated with respect and kindness, not to be dismissed.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Salaam,

        I personally think what Midnightmoon said is a general thing, as it happens to many men too. I am aware of a group of male friends who never went near a woman before, but they are actually the first to learn much about women's nature and other stuff, just for preparation for marriage. As a male, I'd have said the same thing as she said, so it isn't "Typical female response"

        • I am aware of a group of male friends who never went near a woman before, but they are actually the first to learn much about women's nature and other stuff, just for preparation for marriage.

          You and your friends have never looked at porn too. What have you learned about women'nature and from where?

          • SubhanAllah! does one need to watch porn or whatever to be able to have a successful marital relationship? How did the sheeps learned how to suck milk?

            Anyway, I will direct you to two books, which could suffice any Muslim brother or sister, InshaAllah. I bought the books at a bookstore in Makkah and they are in Arabic (I have not seen any translation yet), and I am not sure if you read Arabic.

            -1- أسرار الجماع (للمتزوجين فقط
            للأستاذ عصام يوسف
            Asrar Al-Jima'a

            -2- ..نواضر الأيك في معرفة النيك
            للإمام السيوطى
            Nawāḍir al-ayk fī maʻrifat al-nayk.

            This book is written by a well known Islamic Scholar (Imam Jalal al-Din al-Suyuti). The book contains all sciences of sea and land.

            These two books do not only discuss about sex and its different positions, but they go further to discuss about the nature of male and female, in addition to some intercourse problems (faced by both male and female) and their solutions. As they also discuss about what to do on your first meeting/night, and what to do throughout the marital life, which is based on Sharia'a and Sunnah.

            You may search for the two books and read them yourself.

  5. ASSLAMALAIKUM-
    DEAR THE WAY YOU ARE RUNNING BEHIND HER TO CORNER HER IS VERY ODD-
    IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS YOU WILL LAND UP IN HIGH BP AND YOU WILL LOOSE HEALTH LOVE AND LIFE ALL IN ONE REASON AND THAT IS DOUBTING AND BUILDING UP ENEMITY BETWEEN YOU TWO-
    IN ISLAM IT IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING THYAT ALSO AFTER 12 YEARS-
    ANY HUSBAND- has no right to ask this question. BECASUE BEFORE SHE CAME IN YOUR LIFE-ALLAH FORGAVE HER FOR HER PAST AND SENT IN NIKAH TO YOU-AND DIGGING THE PAST IS NOT YR RIGHT-

    You should consider this carefully. What about the commitment that you had made to her?IN YOUR NIKAH-
    How will you JUSTIFY AND ANSWER that in the Court of Almighty Allah?
    “Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.”
    Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2499; classed as hasan by al- Albaani.
    Abu Hurayrah Radiyallahu Anhu reported: “The Messenger of Allaah said: “Every member of my nation will be forgiven, except those who expose their wrongdoings. An example of this is that of a man who commits a sin at night which Allaah then conceals, but, the next morning, he goes and says (to people): ‘I committed such and such a sin last night’ - while Allaah had kept it secret. During the night Allaah had concealed it, but in the morning he tore up the cover provided by Allaah Himself.” [Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]
    For this reason, you have no right to reveal what Allah Has Hidden.

    “Refrain from these filthy matters (i.e. sins) that Allaah has forbidden,and if one of you is tried by committing any of them, then let him conceal them as Allaah has concealed them for him.” [Al-Haakim]
    YOU DIGGING ENQUIRING AND THEN TELLING THE SINS OF YOUR WIFE TO THE WORLD SEE THE HADEES-
    If anyone knows about your sin, then that person should hide it, too. Because Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: “Whoever covers up the fault of a Muslim, Allaah will cover up his fault(s) on the Day of Resurrection.” [Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]
    One can simply UNDERSTAND, "I made mistakes in the past, but I made tawbah and changed my life. AND ALLAH IS THE FORGIVER OF SINS OF MANKIND NOT ANY MAN OR A HUSBAND OR ANY ONE FOR THAT MATTER BECAUSE NO ONE IS AN ANGEL HERE ON EARTH OR ACT LIKE ONE-
    REGARDS

  6. Assalam alaikum Br.,

    I don't know how you knew if the positions your wife made were coming from previous experience--unless you have some prior knowledge...but regardless, if you are not comfortable, I would suggest that you do as Sister Midnightmoon has said. Talk to your wife about this situation and let her know your position.

    If you discover some things that you don't like, maybe take some time separately while you both figure out if you can live without eachother. Take time away to see if you do indeed love her or strongly feel that you can't go on. It is probably important to do that now rather than later and also do Isthikhara. Do not rush into any decision and seek guidance from Allah. I don't think anyone can tell you to stay with her or divorce her, because it is a very serious decision.

    May Allah guide you in this difficult time, Ameen.

  7. asalamu alaikum,

    whatever happened in the past, should stay in the past. also you seem like an interrogator. one of the thing stuck out to me was, In our area generally girls are not much aware of sex before marriage? and how do you know that? did you also interrogate them?

    so if she is a faithful wife, then leave it at that. don't destroy marriage due to suspicion.

    Allah the Most High said: “O you who believe, avoid suspicion, for surely suspicion in some cases is a sin.”

    ma salama..

  8. Selam Brother Hopeless,

    Be hopeful, because I give you a reason why.

    First of all, there are sinners and grave sinners.

    There are Hassanat (Good Deeds) and Sins (Bad deeds).

    You are right, that according to these friends here, that if you sincere repent, then you will be forgiving. Also a win win situation for here and hereafter.

    And people which say, that sinning feels bad are funny. Most time sins feel good, because the devil convinces us. Therefore you can have fun and get rewarded if you really repent.

    But I don't agree to these words, there are additional rights of persons. These rights won't be forgiven by God. So if someone wrongs you open or secret, then you will face them in Ahirat (hereafter). These people have to give their good deeds and you can't load off your sins.

    What are wrongdoings?

    All kind of stuff, that you can do, to violate someone's rights.
    These rights are more important than Allah right.

    Because the door of repentance is always open and you can get in evetytime, but the door of someone will be closed, if he dies. And then you got serious problems. This doesn't mean, that you will enter hell invebtibly, but you will face him and give him that amount of good deeds like you have wronged him.

    You would probably agree, that killing someone is much more hard, than stealing or using his money without permission.

    There are different level.
    But if you are good guy, then Allah will grant the wronged one a highest place in cennah, that the wronged one will probably agree. He must not.
    But if he agrees, than you both will go to cennah, but you both are not on the same level.

    God won't help you, if you don't repent and show strong intention of asking people for forgiveness.

    Therefore "for the sake of concealing sins" wronging someone is not allowed. If they, then they should know, that they will face them in hereafter.

    Concealing sins is for the purpose, that people don't follow you making your sin. And it should not making public.

    If exposed sins would not be forgiven, than people who are caught by making a sin, would not be forgiven.

    All sins can be forgiven, exept the ones, which belong to someone else right. They will be forgiven, if you get their forgiveness or if you give your good deeds in hereafter.

    So Brother, there's hope and justice for all. May Allah grant you the highest state a normal human being can archive inşallah...

    PS: Your next posts should be with the name "Hope", perhaps my will be the name "apologize" or the name "forgive it now".

    There are many fikiq rules, but as all people with knowledge I have to say...

    Allahü Halem (Allah knows best)

  9. Salam hopelessbrother,

    Muslim men cannot be be Dayyoth (the most common translation is cuckold). A dayyoth is someone, who has no Ghirah (Jealousy in limited matters).

    But there are levels of Dayyoth:
    1.) Minor-Dayyoth: Someone doesn't show interest, when his wife talks with strange mens.
    2.) Medium-Dayyoth: His wife is chatting in zina nearing matter with strange mens and she does everything and seems to be very disobient.
    3.) Great-Dayyoths: The wife sleeps with someone, has affairs and he accepts this. Probably he joins in or supports his wife.

    Everybody has a his tolerate level. For my personal expierience it's no.1 and even if she repents. My selfesteen is to high, that I would support a wife financial or emotional and she is cheating on me emotional.

    But everybody has is own level of toleration. But you can't be no.3 and hope to get to Cennah. You must divorce her or somehow make her obient, which is not legally allowed in most non-muslim countries.
    Therefore you just can divorce and that's it.

    I understand you well Brother, but insallah Allah will grant you a wife, which will not cuckold you, she will respect you and be faithful.

    Cheating spouses just cheat on their own soul. Who is the cheated one in hereafter you or they?

    May Allah bless you Brother

  10. Noapologies" "1.) Minor-Dayyoth: Someone doesn’t show interest, when his wife talks with strange mens.
    2.) Medium-Dayyoth: His wife is chatting in zina nearing matter with strange mens and she does everything and seems to be very disobient.
    3.) Great-Dayyoths: The wife sleeps with someone, has affairs and he accepts this. Probably he joins in or supports his wife.'

    What happens if the role is reversed and husband does those things?

    • A woman cannot be a dayyoth, because a man must not be chaste.

      "Your right on your woman is that they don't let in someone into bed you don't like... "

      SVS you are nordenized Muslim. You should be thinking in western matter. Gendeeeerrrrr.... Fight.

  11. Brother, this is between Allah and your wife. You shouldn't concern her past. You should concern her present and future whether she is and she will be a good wife and good mother to you and your children.. What is past is in the past. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. You shouldn't ask her or try to know about it. Coz it can mess up the marriage. Doubts are really dangerous in marriage. Just try to enjoy the marriage and make it work.. Forget about the past..
    If she was a sinner, then Allah will punish her for all the sins she did. And if she truly repent, it's up to Allah to forgive her.. So you shouldn't concern about her past..
    And accusing someone of something without having proof is also a sin in Islam. And also pride, egoism, and arrogance are also sin.. You are showing your extreme pride in saying that you don't want to be with a non-virgin girl.. This concept doesn't exist in Islam.. And also you don't even have proof that she had those kind of relationships before.. Saying without proof is accusing someone and it is also almost a lie..
    If she is a good woman and she loves you and she will not do any adultery, then you forget about her past..

  12. Brother youve actually done a big sin. You revealed your wife's sins after Allah covered them up for her. Repent to Allah and ask him to forgive you. Mashallah your wife was making love to you that night and you ruined it by asking these questions. She may have made mistakes in the past but that's none of your business. It's between her and Allah. Allah chose to cover them up for her, but you revealed them. It's a big sin. What would have finding out have changed? Nothing. What's happened has happened and clearly she feels bad for it, but you've made it worse for yourself by finding out what you've found out. Shaytaan worked his plan on you. Apologies to Allah and your wife and forget the past. You can't control everything. Enjoy your relationship with her inshallah

  13. “And those who accuse chaste women of adultery and then do not produce four witnesses — lash them with eighty lashes and do not accept from them testimony ever after. And those are the defiantly disobedient. Except for those who repent thereafter and reform, for indeed Allaah is Forgiving and Merciful".” [Quran 24: 2-5]

  14. Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 49 Surah Hujuraat verse 12:
    12      O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: and spy not on each other nor speak ill of each other behind their backs.  Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?  Nay, ye would abhor it...but fear Allah: for Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful.

  15. Selam İsmail and Lisa,

    He has the right to know and reveal. Don't tell him such things. It's his best right to know and not a sin. She is breaking his rights by ling to him.

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