Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife is abusive towards my parents, does not cook or clean, and spends all her time on Facebook and Youtube

Internet addict, woman with laptop, woman staring at computer

I am married for over four year now. It was an arranged mairrage, however me my wife started it with true sincerity and love for each other. After the "Rukhsati" we moved to the city where I was working and thus she never had to live with her "In-laws". It use to be her desire from the very beginning that she wanted to be living separate, and she got it. Knowing that my job requirements will provide her with her desire she was very happy. Also it was not my parent’s desire that she would be staying with them.

However this started going bad, once I noticed that she even does not like any of my family member visiting our home or come to stay with us for couple of days. This was disturbing; it used to create a bad environment between me and her. Similarly she would always discourage me to visit my family / parents on vacations etc. She would exhibit such a mean approach that with the passage of time she started showing bad gestures over my friends coming to me.

With the passage of time (After three years of marriage) I found that now, it is her and her alone. Her desire, her friends, her activities so much so HER TIME. She was never so (LOOKING FOR HER TIME) initially but now she had started spending time at "her Job", her "TV Time" her "Internet Time" (never less than 8 - 10 hrs on net). She had done away with all her responsibilities at home, our place started becoming a mess she would not even go towards the kitchen.  I used to make my breakfast, lunch at office, dinner even made by myself and if she would desire she would have some sandwich some frozen junk etc.

I tried to counsel her, but no, she was never ready to even listen. She would start yelling at me. She would say "She hates advises". So much so that I left her on her own, and for last three four months she even would not come to bed. Spending entire night in front of Internet surfing on YouTube, face book or other socializing sites. She would behave good with me If I don’t interfere. Otherwise it use be hell.

Lately, my parents visited me and stayed for a week time. This was an extremely difficult time for her. I even begged her to please spend these 5-7 days under compulsion and afterwards she can have her time. But it did not go so. There emerged a clear strain between my mother and her during the stay.

She used to ignore them, not sitting with them spending time with them. Locking herself in her room most of the time. My mother had planned some family gathering at her place and on the last day she announced that my wife is also required to be there for few days.

That was all. She told me, "If you'll not get the decision undone, I'll play havoc". I denied it saying that she must go. She immediately called her mother to rescue her, and put me on phone with her. Her mother started pressurizing me to take stance for your wife (This was beyond comprehension, take stand...! for what...... what my parents have done..... take stand to stop her spending couple of days with my parents that too once they have some plan at home). This talk was over heard by my mother and she stopped me talking directly to my mother in law on the issue.

My wife came in between pushing and abusing my mother aside. This was like "Qiyamah" for me a disaster. In short next day in front of both the families I decided that we should get separated for a while think upon our individual actions. I also said that if she realizes her mistake we can move for rapprochement.

Its been two months now there is NO response from her. On contrary she is busy on her net activities, trying to get admission to improve her studies further and paying no mind to whatever has happened or what all she did.

In this context I'll look for your advises.

(p.s. lately she had also been exploring net to get settled abroad. Just for the reason that she want to avoid any i mean any sort of my family intervention or interaction)

- Path-Finder

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6 Responses »

  1. Salaam my brother,

    I am sorry for this neglect that you are experiencing from your wife. It sounds like she has emotionally distanced herself from you completely - she has no emotional bond with you. She is not going to get in touch with you, because she doesn't care what happens.

    A relationship in which couples do not spend time together, show each other loving actions, have conversations, understand each other, communicate and socialise together will not feel happy for very long. Your wife shut off from you a long time ago - and it sounds like she has been speaking to her mother about it also. She has closed herself off from you either to punish you or to avoid being hurt, which is very unhealthy. She has either serious issues which you cannot help with, or she is just sick and tired and can't be bothered any more.

    It sounds like you are ignoring each other completely and not speaking with each other about what is going on. She is avoiding you through any way she knows how (internet, TV, etc) and you have not heard/listened to/ or sought to understand what her problem is (otherwise you would have written in your problem: "I spoke to my wife says that she feels x,y,z" - you clearly have no idea what she feels and why she feels this way - her actions remain a mystery to you, and have been a mystery to you for the last 3 years. Really, after three years you should have some understanding of what makes her tic.

    Now, you have spent two months apart and she has no idea what you are doing, and you have no idea what she is doing and it has not occurred to either of you to have an honest and open discussion about what is going on and to try and work things out.

    You have two options. Option one is to try and sort it out, have the necessary arguments, express your emotions, feelings and intentions and fight for as long as necessary to break down these barriers and communication. Focus on how to solve problems and don't get into a slanging match. Insist on talking and apply pressure to get the issues out by refusing to leave until you understand what is going on. This will be painful, and at sometimes you have to admit what you have done wrong and she has to admit what she has done wrong and it can take a long time to resolve all of the problems that you have built up over the last three years.

    Option two is to accept that there is really no relationship here any more, and saving this relationship will take a lot of energy for potentially little gain. Both of you have emotionally vacated and your wife is showing no sign of caring what you think or feel at all and is making plans to leave the country.

    Its up to you and the level of work you are willing to go through for the end result.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  2. Dear brother,

    It is always best to work things out, but sometimes when one side does not want to be diplomatic.. how can a resolution be achieved? Is there any reason for your spouse's behavior? Does your wife suffer from any depression, feel lonely at times? Did you try maybe taking her out a few times, in a nice environment or setting, to talk to her? Is there anything between her and your parents (like, any pass situations in which caused her to avoid them)?

    There is no excuse for her behavior, of course, it sounds like that of a child. But maybe there is some sort of reason she tends to act this way. It seems like she is feeling something missing, or perceives something missing, in her life that she resorts to the internet and other distractions.

    Try calling her for a dinner or something to try to see if it can be sorted out. And like Sister Leyla said, there is the other option. If you want an answer, you have the right to one.



  3. Aren't indian/paki husbands supposed to be like this?
    No emotional connection. They come home from work expecing to be fed, cleaned after, and their laundry/clothes ironed. They don't spend tme with wife, but out of home with freinds. They sit on TV/computer at home. No money on wife, but on mommy and daddy.
    Seems strange when a woman does same.

    • Assalam-o-Alaikum,

      Sister, how is it helpful? If you cannot contribute something positive then please do not hurt someone specially if he/she is in distress.


  4. One of the biggest problems my group has isn't convincing folks that they have a problem. It's convincing them to address the biggest one first and then deal with the other stuff. Nobody seems to want to do that. Everyone wants a reason or an excuse. They want to worry about the big bruise on their arm when there leg is cut off and they are bleeding out.

  5. Assalam-o-Alaikum Brother,
    I would suggest that please talk to your wife directly one to one without intermediaries. Don't consider the rumors etc.

    Also please do not bring your parents or her parents in the talks if I may say, instead try to solve problems yourself. I understand that your wife brought her mother first but I think both of you should realize that you guys are not children anymore and there is no need of parents intervention in resolving these disputes.

    I am no expert but opening communication channels is the key, and while you are separated from one another and are not in direct communication this can be really difficult. I can understand that she misbehaved with your mother and it will be difficult for you to go ahead and talk to her one to one.
    For the sake of making your marriage work. I think that you should tell her that you respect her parents as your parents and you'll never do it to your in-laws what she has done with her mother-in-law, also you do not expect her to do it to your parents in future.

    If your wife was spending 8 to 10 hours on the internet per day clearly you guys had no communication. I think spending 8 to 10 hours on the Internet is clearly an addiction, at least for a person whose profession is not related to Internet.
    I am just saying that you should also look at her as someone addicted to something instead of treating as normal person. Or you can use Internet to open initial communication channel with her.

    These are few random thoughts and I really pray to Allah that he guide us all and you and your wife are able to resolve this problem. I think you guys have some work to do in terms of time lost while you were not properly communicating.

    May Allah help us and guide us all.


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