Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife struggling as husband is unjust with his time as he has two wives

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As Salam u alaikum,

i just wanted some advice on possibly what to do in relation to my husband having a second wife and not being just with his time and whether i should stay in this marriage.

Briefly the situation is that I am the first wife and have been married for roughly 4 years and after 2 years of my marriage my husband had secretly got married abroad without me knowing and had also had a child. I found this out roughly a year ago. He tells me it was because I didn't conceive and he wanted children. He had never told me he was intending to marry again and had made me feel that we were still trying for children as I had gone to a fertility clinic and it was him who wouldn't go to his drs  (prob because he knew his secret wife at the time was pregnant). To me this was wrong as he made me feel we were trying and spoke to me about it. I had known my husband for many years before we married and I had married him against my families will. I was completely heart broken. I struggled and had tries to leave him and return to my parents home. I struggled to walk away as I had feelings and was extremely hurt. I then found out I was pregnant from just before I had found out about his second wife and child. At this point I was so greatful to Allah (swt) that he had blessed me in such away. I told my husband and he was happy. I remember feeling like rubbish when he had told me he married elsewhere for a child and did not even tell me. I was hurt because I felt that we didn't try all options before he married and felt that somehow he didn't just re marry just for children and had married for other reasons including  being upset and angry with me( as we did argue a lot before and most if it was related to him not spending quality time with me and not sitting in social media chatting to other women). I feel some how I may have been to blame. However I always tried to keep the  communication where as he would keep things in his heart.

When I was pregnant he had left me to return to abroad to see his child and second wife although I requested him not to as I wanted him to be at my scans. But he didn't listen and left me alone (I havd family here and drive and he felt I was always independent to do my own things and left me). He went for 3 months and would rarely call me and limit his messages and this other wife would delete messages in his I phone. I asked him to keep a lock but he wouldn't therefore there was no privacy. I struggled very much being pregnant and being isolated from my husband.

He had told me she would not come to the uk but shortly after I had my baby and I was at parents he secretly planned to bring her and had brought her and the child. Telling me she was pregnant again and wanted her to have the child in the uk. They moved in not so far from my home. But by then he had given little time to my baby and had kept me away as he was fixing a house for them and had me staying at my parents as a single parent as he would visit roughly once a week. I really struggled and would tell him to separate from me. Although I wasn't sure what i wanted. I struggled alone. I  didn't even tell my family as I didn't know how, I felt embarrassed as my family had advised me that he wasn't the best of characters and had traits of a liar.

I returned to my marital home and as i did he wouldn't do equal days and nights. He used to come during the day randomly for few hours and return to second wife who was pregnant with a child. She had her mother in law and brother in law in the home to help with their child. I understand she was pregnant but my husband used that saying she needs him but never realised that I needed his help with a new born too. During her pregnancy he had spent two nights and random hours each day's with us. All I would bag at him was to spend equal time say and night as I wanted some stability for our baby but he couldn't do this. She had her baby and situation got worse. During a time period of 5 months he had spend roughly 5 nights with us and would give us a few hours through the day although he had promised to try split his time. His mother went abroad and after that he told me she needs help in the night and cannot leave her alone as she is scared. Is this my fault that he chose two wives. I keep telling him he is unfair and there is no stability and he keeps telling me to be patient and she may go back. I'm just sooo confused whether to go for a khulla as in the long run I don't want my child being raised up seeing his father go in and out of the home like he is doing as its not normal to me.he does not give proper time. Don't get me wrong he helps when I ask  for it... Gets things if I need... Bug for him to be at the other wives home every night and most day is so hard. It's taken me over a year (including a pregnancy) to come to some sort of terms with all this  but I just feel he is just so unfair.

I had left him for a month as he was really causing me stress and ill health with his unfair time keeping and had ways. He had then said he would do 3 days there and 3 days here. But when I returned it was like one day there and one day here... He would still visit each home daily... I just wanted him to keep things seperate atleast for the time he was with me. He would compare me as I would express my hurt towards all this. He would take her everywhere as she didn't speak English or drive etc...but left me doing most baby appointments alone. I just feel I didn't get married to live a life as a single mum and that's the situation I'm in. Although he is there if I need stuff or help but other than that he doesn't split his time accordingly or give us quality time without bringing problems from other family home. I just feel helpless and unsure what to do although I know it is all a test from Allah and everything is in my destiny but I also understand I have the choice. But just don't know what to do as all I want now is for him to split the time equally and he says he can't. To me he is doing wrong and to his he sees she is in need as she has two kids. I've been so patient and tolerated so much but just feel tired and drained and unhappy regardless of how hard I try. My baby Alhamdulilah is a blessing and is a major reason why I'm still trying. I just would love some advise on what to do... Should I apply for a khulla? As I clearly have no proper time in my marriage and my husband does whatever he wants regardless of my feelings.

Amna1616

 

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5 Responses »

  1. May Allah reward you for your suffering. I agree with you he is being very unfair with you. He should of consulted with you before getting a second wife. He should have been honest with you. By reading your story it seems he doesn't care as much for you and leaves you behind. I personally would divorce him. What is the point of being with a man that doesn't spend any time with you or his son. Be strong and find someone that is willing to dedicate to you. If he did care about spending time with you after the baby was born than there is no point of keep on trying. Love yourself and your child. Your child needs stability and he isn't it. Instead he is making you get ill. What if you get sick you think he will be there for u probably not. Find someone that will love you no matter what. Please be strong have faith in Allah he has something better for you and your child.☺ if he cant give you both equal time than he shouldn't have 2 wives!

  2. If I was you I would have divorced him and went to report him for polygamy. I would find someone else who would treat you better!!

  3. You have to stop allowing yourself to be so weak and victimized. You have to grow up and start taking charge of your own life, instead of relying on a man that doesn't care and your family that never wanted you to marry this man to begin with. You chose this man as your husband and refused to listen to your family's better advice - now you are experiencing the consequences of having married the bad character your family warned you against. Take responsibility for your bad choice in husband and make a decision for yourself and your child, already. Stop waiting for this man to change, come around, or make the decision for you. I mean, he more or less has already: He, essentially, never spends time with your and your child...he isn't being a husband to you. He could be one if he wanted to, but clearly, he doesn't. How many more years are you going to waste on a man that doesn't give a toss about you or / and your child? 4 more years? 10? 15? 20? The rest of your life?

    My advice would be to ask for a divorce and also report this man for his polygamous ways. It's illegal in the UK to be married to more than one wife, and, as Muslims, we are obliged to respect the laws of the countries we live in. Why should special rules apply for your husband? Why should be be able to ruin lives and get away with it? Report him and divorce him.

  4. Its terrifying snd yet cinfirming to read your story that definitely your husband is from a pakistani background.

  5. Waaleikum salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

    Sister, it's your choice if you wish to divorce him but please do not report him.

    1.) Although he treated you unjustly, don't subject him to injustice. There is nothing wrong with polygyny. Allah has made this permissible so do not go to people who will treat him as if he has commited a crime for doing something Allah has allowed. Allah's law is far above man-made law.

    2.) Allah will reward you for your patience in the next life, don't waste the reward revenge. With patience, you can have it much better in akhirah. Move on with your life and reap the rewards on the day of judgement. You need those deeds on the day when evil is spread far and wide much more than you need to report him. Have patience, it will pay off.

    3.) Obeying Allah is above obeying man so when someone says "Why should special rules apply for your husband", remember that Allah's law is greater and it's for ALL of mankind. It's worse to subject a Muslim to the unjust laws of your country. In taking multiple wives, he did nothing wrong.. When someone says "Why should he be able to ruin lives and get away with it?", remember that Allah is All Seeing and remember that you will have justice. No one can get away with anything. Please be patient and do not report him, you have no obligation to report him.

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