Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife wants a separate house, having conflicts with my parents

mother in law problemsAslam O Aliqum Brothers and Sisters,

My wedding is three plus years old.  I have two children. My  Wife had some issue with my Mom on simple talks which we men don't take it seriously but they do.

She has left me and has gone to her parents and now demanding separate house. But I cannot leave my parents as there is no one to take care of them, and they are in old age too. My two elder brothers are abroad so I have a big responsibility now.

I clearly told my wife that I love you and my children,  but I cannot leave my parents as well.  I am stuck in this great puzzle of my life. My job also gets affected if I keep this tension with me all the time.

I tried once to go and talk to my wife but she didn't talk to me. I felt really insulted on this and now I'm not replying to her for many days.

I am tensed, she is tensed, my parents are tensed, and our family from both side is really depressed because they all are now mingling into this.

Moreover, I also made clear to everyone that I will never leave anyone as long as I am in my country Azad Kashmir - Pakistan. But if I move to some other country, then it is a different story. But going abroad takes time and my wife is also not ready to come to home for that time.

I get very depressed some times and find no one to talk to as this is a family matter and I don't want anyone to know this to whom I know.

What should I do? Can anyone please advise, as me and my wife are also not talking to each other for quite some days.

Thanks and regards.

Tagged as: , , ,

9 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I may not be able to tell you the best thing to do ultimately, but I can say that refusing to talk to your wife when she is trying to speak with you because she did the same to you earlier is NOT going to help anything. Yes, the two of you are stressed, and yes, any time may not be the best time to talk, but the very least you can do is take her call or text her and say "I am not feeling up to talking to you now, but I can talk to you later tonight at (such and such) time", and then stick to that commitment. You have been married over three years and have two children, so the pair of you will need to be able to communicate with one another to work out a solution.

    If she has been living with you at your parent's house, she does have the right to request her own space. It may not be a separate house because of what you can afford, but she does have the right to be able to go somewhere to get away from any drama that may happen between herself and your parents. Right now she is living at her parents, so maybe she will agree to stay there temporarily until you two can agree on a longterm solution that suits you both, and will not cause disruption in either family. Both of you are going to need to come to a mutual understanding with one another- she needs to understand your responsibility and duty to care for your parents, and you need to understand her rights as your wife to be unaffected by issues with your mother or other family members. But the first thing you need to do is start talking.

    Since it's been many days since you've spoken, call her or text her and let her know you're ready to talk. Apologize for any way's you've offended her. If she goes on and on about how hurt she is, try to put yourself in her shoes and feel it from her perspective. Say something like, "I can imagine how stressful it is for you to live with me as a wife in my parent's home, and how some of the things they said must have hurt you". Once she feels understood, you can share your feelings and thoughts. Say "this is what it's like for me, I feel pulled in two directions...etc" or however you want to put it. If the conversation get's stressful, pause it! Say "hey we're getting too stressed with this, why don't we agree to talk about this again later". And then re-visit it when you both are feeling better. Hope this will help get you started working on the resolution you both need!

    -Amy Editor.

  2. Assalamu alaykum Brother Ismail,

    An advice: Continue caring for your parents. You are on the right path, Masha Allah.

    Second, love your wife a lot. Madly love her. If she is disturbed from your mother's end, let that disturbance go by your love, give her some gifts if you can, take her out and the children as well, fix time to meet privately, get communicating, talking, sharing and loving.

    Be kind to her and tell her they are parents and we have to bear patiently, may be Allah will make them calm or give us something good in return of Sabr.

    She needs love so love her. Bring her back home, ease the tensions. You have to do so to make this lighter.

    Continue kindness to parents, Insha Allah, this is a test which you will pass and your wife as well, Allah willing.

    Lot of men face this situation, but ones who succeed by the will of Allah are those who "manage" love on one side and kindness on the other.

    I know its a sandwich, but your heart will Insha Allah be filled with love and kindess by being a part of this sandwich.

    I know, easy things to say, hard to put in to practice, but pray to Allah to make this easy for you to carry out.

    Insha Allah you will be among the successful men.

    Your brother.

  3. Islamically, a wife has a right to her home home it = a bedroom/living space, seperate entrance/exit to the home, her own bathroom and kitchen. In todays world, that basically becomes her own flat or whatever you wanna call it.

    "Back home"...or as is still the case in Saudi and many Arabic lands/cultures, the wife gets her own place yet its together with the husbands parents - kinda best of both for the guy. So basically you are living next door to your parents -seperate yet together- Where the wife DOES get her right to her own privacy and space.

    I am fully aware of your culture brother and I dont want to offend you but Pakistanis, and especially ones from azad kashmir, see the concept of the wife having her 'own place' as a very evil thing. A woman is made to feel guilty for 'wanting' it..whereas what needs to be propogated to this community is that this is the wife's right given by God. Also on top of this, what makes it unbearable for the women is that they also have very nosy mother in laws who like to basically make the daughter in laws life hell. Then this duaghter in law becomes the same mother in law many years down the line - and this vicious cycle has continued and remains to continue, with thousands of households facing your problems. Brother, im sure you know exactly what I'm talking about here so be honest with yourself, pluck up the courage and do the RIGHT thing = give ur wife what is her right.

    It is your duty to look after your parents in old age but it is ALSO your duty to provide your wife her own living quarters. If you want to do the correct thing, then you do both of these things which as possible but alot more difficult to do if both obligations are fulfilled.

    Seperate your wife, realise that you have an obligation towards your parents (not your wife here) and any good that your wife does to your parents is charity for her. Many asians also deem it compulsory that the wife serves the inlaws...whereas islamically the in laws have no rights over the daughter in law. She is not obliged to cook, clean, serve or do anything for them at all. So whenver your wife DOES do any goodness to your parents, think of it as a favour shes doing for you (which it is)...that way you will appreciate her efforts more and you will see how it will solve half of the problems if not all - were daughter in laws to be not expected to serve inlaws like its fardh for them to.

    Things that happen in the house, and the men are out and dont realise...these things matter to the women who deal with it day in day out. I bet its over cleaning, cooking,kids, time spent where..and issues like this deemed 'trivial' to the men. But you need to realise...your mother and wife are at home..this IS their daily life..and if they cant agree on these things for whatever reasons and whoevers fault it is..then it is not a 'trivial' issue (and ur current situation is the biggest proof for that).

    This is the reason why Allah has given every wife the right to her own place...because in a house, 2 women who both want to be the 'woman of the house' cannot live happily. Allah swt is aware of our nature (and men are not)...when a girl marries...she is a mature woman now who wants her own 'home' where she has the right to cook what she wants, walk around dressed how she wants, decorate as she would like, and just have the privacy and freedom that she deserves. If there is one home and two living in there who both want these things...naturally there will be a clash. Do you get where I'm coming from?
    Again I will say...Allah swt knows our fitrah...which is why he has given us all certain rights.

    You will see that these "in law" issues exist mostly in people from the sub indian continent....amongst arabs or muslims of other regions, it is very rare. One of the biggest reasons why this is the case is because people from the sub indian continent are obsessed with shared accommodation; keeping your wife and kids together with your family, at any cost as if you give your wife their own place, then you are seen as having 'deserted' your parents amongst the community as well as being 'under the thumb.'

    I have seen it too much and to advice you to bring your wife back, make her melt then she'll come back ...then what? Can you change your mum? Can you change the issues that keep rising between the two? If you know deep down in ur heart that thats not possible, then you also know that this will only be temporary solution before it happens again...and you are left in this position again.

    May Allah swt guide you to do the right thing, Ameen.

    Was salaamu alaikum

  4. AslamuAlikum,

    I am living with my in laws(including my husband father, mother, sister, brother and his wife) from last 4 years.

    (I deleted the remainder of your comment. Please log in and write your comment as a separate post, thank you. - Editor)

  5. Separate home is sharai haq given to woman by Allah. It will prevent u from tension, gheebat nd bad deeds. Just go for it, Allah will help u nd ur parents

  6. Dear Brother

    I am going through more or less same situation. My wife gives me third degree stress by saying that I never in first Place loved and my two year old son. She keeps telling me that if i love her i have to prove it by asking for my share in family property while parents are alive which off course will open a new battlefield. I have tried my level best to talk her out of this but she keeps saying that she doesn't believe anymore that i will do anything to comfort her.
    I am as clueless as you it is now affecting my mental health and my ability to make rational decision. I really wonder if getting married is a good idea these days.

  7. Wa alaikum salam warehnatuhlah wa barakahtu hu
    Dear brother as I reviewed your question is valid here is detailed answer according to the aspects of shariya afia sect(fiqah).
    With the name of Allah Almighty.
    According to the Imam e zain ul Abidin a.s if u are poor and can't afford her separate house demand develop a hut of leaves in dessert for her elsewise u have to answer at the day of judgement of Almighty as ur wife is half of ur deen and deinfdedeen included in shariyha so if she ask for ur last breath, must provide otherwise she is innocent but u are a sinner. If one's wife don't have one of her parents then as Imam e Ali Ala mukam ibn e abi talib said in his last khutbah 'o muslims look after the orphans after me' then husband must listen to his wife. Shariyah make one's wife free from the duties of in_laws, his brothers sisters nice nephews and so on as his brothers are shtrangers (non mehram)for her.

  8. If any one of husband's family member mistreated wife and then she ask for separate accommodation but the husband family stood against of their own son, don't worry u are not wrong as imam e Abidin said u are not wrong we are with u ,ur wife is ur sharahI so u facilitate her any way.If one's wife do misbehave with husbands family member in response to their misbehavior and never ask for apology she is still innocent and free from sins,in these circumstances when she ask for separate accommodation husband must have to oblige and obey her and give her sharai rights even if husband have no other home he must provide her a quarter in the premises of home where none of husband's family member even allow to walk and quarter must be lockable at anytime so thah in the absences of husband none of husband's family member go there to disturb her privacy nd if still someone do so they harmed her so the preference is to give her separate shelter elsewhere otherwise husband is a sinner. AS MUHAMMAD PBUH had 11wives with separate accommodation to give them ease n facilities of full own home hold . According to the aspects of Islam n sharah male n female can do marry without in_laws but in the presence of four evidences after becoming adult it clearly means that in_laws haven't any kind of right on wife even if husband have no other siblings and wife ask for separate accommodation husband must provide. If husband marry some one else just because his wife ask him for her rights of separate shelter he would be a sinner from both sides wife and Almighty as well.

  9. In case of old parents husband must provide her separate shelter but didn't foget his responsibility to give one ten of his salary to his parents n meet them timely but cannot force wife to visit them. As Almighty said in Qur'an'o men be Frightened from Me about the rights of wife' (Al_baqrah)... the men who forced her to bow in front of his family,had to pay this to Almighty. Imam e Ali Ala ibn e abi talib says mtalib'he would go directly to the hell because of whom his wife shed even a single drop of tear' husband had rights in the property of his parents but cannot force wife to stick with that.
    Before Islam there were jointly families living system were keep going on but after islam separate family system introduces in shariyah non mehrams as well so provide her right as her per demand here no husband could say that it's beyond his limitations or its more than maximum because in islam and sharah define no limits for husband to obey his wife because she is husband's half deen and husband can't escape from his half deen by given up. Husband can't divorce wife without sharai conditions(if wife had sexual relationship with other), but if wife said she dislikes her husband face Almighty allowed her to asked for divorce but strictly forbade husband to do so here u could understand the clear difference how much almighty Allah Almighty facilitate her but society's custom n tradition make husband blind.
    Allah bless all of us this was the detailed answer of your questions according to the aspects of Islam n sharihya.

Leave a Response