Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife wants to move out

living with the inlaws

Hello, I have been married for 2 years.. It has been great with me living with my parents, sisters and everyone has a great relationship. My sisters adore my wife and so do my parents. Also the chores in the house are not the sole responsibility of my wife like in traditional Pakistani families.

Basically she has a good life here and not strained or any hardships. However she does not include herself with the family, mainly my parents and is always in our room for majority of the day, only coming down to eat and watch tv after my parents have gone upstairs. She has always been like this and there has been slight issues over this as it doesn't seem she is in the family, I have tried talking with her but her response is 'this is how she is and she can't change'.

However, recently she began talking about moving out, away from my parents, she said she wants her own privacy but our parents don't stop us doing anything or interfere at all. This has become a major issue now and she has gone back to her parents now. She says she wants to live away for 5 years and then take my parents in and that she will still visit them etc,

However, I don't want to move away from my parents as I am their only son and they have looked after me for all my life, furthermore she doesn't even mingle with them whilst we are in the same house so how is she going to come and see them afterwards. I don't believe that. Also I know my parents are not happy with me moving away as this is seen as bad in our family.

Is there anything Islamic which shows you should stay with your parents. I think by moving that the family tie between her and my family will be cut completely and I don't want this. Her own parents have stayed with their grandparents so I do not know how she can see it as a bad thing.

Husnain87


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24 Responses »

  1. Assalam-Alekum,
    Brother Husnain, I think you are referring to a combined family system. I think islamically its wrong if your brothers are living with you. But since you are the only son I think there is no islamic ground for your wife to ask this.
    After saying this, I think its better if you take a separate home/apartment near your parents where your wife can live separately. Considering there are no security and other problems in the area where you live.
    I am saying this because although it might seem your sisters are adoring your wife and your wife adoring your sisters. Your wife adoring your mother and your mother adoring her daughter-in-law. There are some 'COMPLEX' female relationship 'things' always going on and believe me men do not have the power to understand the complexity of these things.

    In homes there are really really small things which will never matter to a man. But some how the emotional strength of our mothers, sisters, and wives makes them feel those things pretty strongly. And react to them again according to their emotions most of the time. Which might not seem any big thing to the husband who spends his whole day outside the house but there is always some 'storm' brewing inside the house.

    The way you have described about your wife's attitude towards combined family system and her background in the combined family system. I think she has convinced herself that combined family system is a 'bad' thing. I think you should also ask her to give combined family system a try. Not every combined family system is as bad as the one she might have grown up. InshaAllah your sisters are going to get married and leave the home and then its only your parents. I think you should try to explain her your motivation for living with your parents and ask her to support you if she can.

    I am assuming that you want to serve your parents in their old age. I think its really good of you if you want to be with your parents and you want to serve them. As its said in this hadith:

    "Allah's Apostle (peace be upon him) said: "Let him be humbled into dust; let him be humbled into dust. It was said: Allah's Messenger, who is he? He said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (by neglecting his/her duties towards them)"”. (Muslim 6189)

    If that is the case that you want to serve your parents than its your responsibility to juggle with your job/business and serving your parents.Yes you should cook food for your parents, clean their utensils and perform other chores for your parents. If your wife decides to sit out she is absolutely within her rights. And although, in islam you can ask your wife to do something for you but I will strongly suggest that you should never ask your wife to do chores for your parents in future. Unless she does it from the goodness of her heart.

    These are few thoughts. Hope it helps.

    regards,

    • Brother all Islamic jurists and schools of thought are of the view that providing a separate accommodation to wife is a responsibility of the husband just as it is his responsibility to provide her food and clothing. It is a different thing that depending of different situations such as economic conditions of the husband, his old parents and he being their only son, etc. she may come to some compromise, for which Allah will reward her in Sha Allah. But, the basic ruling is that it's her right to have a separate accommodation,

  2. ok im a women and most women like our privacy even i told my hubby if he wants to live with my family (paying rent) or if we live at his parents then it would be better if we seperate because family causes complications and interfere with the marriage life most of the time they are controling and make you feel like an outsider ,the hubby is whole day at work so he doesnt see this things or either when he is around they treat u nicely but when his away they get rough when i got married for 3 months i lived with his family i was quiet always in my room dont talk much i didnt wana cause any sort of trouble coz i hate violence any sort so i remained quiet because ppl like to judge and mis inteperate wat one says or does so i figured ok ill be patient for now but if this goes on for a year im gona seperate from this guy as i need my privacy and wana do things without being told how to live my life as it is my life anyway.

    • then after 3 months alhmdlh he got us a place

      • Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh..

        Sister Haniyyya...none of us are perfect and i would like to remind myself before i remind you or anyone else about the dangers of being more concerned about our own comfort... i know it is better in some cases to stay away from in laws to avoid trouble but in cases where a person is the only son or some other situation in which parents have to live together, why not sacrifice for the sake of AllahS.W.T.?

        And those who, before them, had homes (in Al-Madinah) and had adopted the Faith, love those who emigrate to them, and have no jealousy in their breasts for that which they have been given (from the booty of Bani An-Nadir), and give them (emigrants) preference over themselves, even though they were in need of that. And whosoever is saved from his own covetousness, such are they who will be the successful.59:9

        You will get the reward of helping your husband of looking after his parents, and with the right intention of pleasing AllahS.W.T., He will with His Will and Mercy make life easy and blessed...

        "...And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).
        And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things." 65:2-3

        maybe by moving away from inlaws some trouble might end but that doesnt mean new problems wont come up... that's life...test after test till we enter the grave...

        may AllahS.W.T. forgive our shortcomings and transgressions and protect us from tests we cant go thru...

        one more thing... remember that one day you will become old and you will wish that you be taken care by your children (now you might say "No i dont") ..but you never know...

        • by the way...im not a brother :p
          bcoz if you assume im a bro most probably what i said would be like "oh he's a guy, and this is fine for him but he doesnt know about the wife......"

          i would like to add one more thing every relation has it's ups ad downs parent-child, siblings, husband-wife, friends...... after all we are human beings with different views..... but how much are we willing to suppress our ego and are looking forward to see smile on the other person's face?

          recently i listened to a sheikh's lecture..and he said that to take another person's view into consideration if it doesnt go against islam is a very rewarding act! subhanaAllah!

          may AllahSwt help us all to be more considerate in His Sake and spread goodness and happiness wherever we are!

          • May Allah SWT reward you. i wish i had suchan understanding wife. i am going through the same and i dont know what to do.but Allah Kareem...

    • What happened ?

  3. Salaams Brother

    Could it be that they just being nice to her when you around and nasty to her behind your back? I know that this is your family but you need to identify the real problem. Has she mentioned any other problems to you in the house? If not, maybe you should ask her?

    If it's only privacy that's the issue then in my opinion I think you should move out and stay on your own. You guys are newly married. She probably finds it uncomfortable being around you whilst your parents are there. This shouldn’t be an issue for your parents as you would not be leaving them entirely alone. You’ve got sisters living with you as well, to see to your parents. She could also be a reserved person, feeling shy and uneasy around others.

    Brother, this is going to be difficult for you since your wife has now moved out and has not given you not much of an option. She could be reacting this way only now since she is more then determined to have a place of her own. Moving out is not going to cut family ties. She could still have a good relationship with your parents. She’s not asking you to completely ignore them. You could live somewhere near your parents and maybe ask her to visit often.

    Rumaysa

  4. I have question sisters:

    I have seen that many Indian sub-continental parents take enormous offense when their son want to move out with their wife. My mom for example, could not even imagine living her life without me. Like many families, she had a rough marriage, and yet she lived in her marriage because she neither had the courage to move out of it as she did not have the support from her family, nor did she want it because she did not want her children to grow up in a broken family. Now I understand that the demand of my mom is not too much, since she has endured so much. Because of her unimaginable sacrifice, I have reached where I am now. Now, say for example, I am doing a good job, and Allah has blessed me with a good salary and a good house. Now I marry, and my wife wants to live separate. Considering the situation I am in, if my wife and mom want to live separately from each other, I will have to send my mom back to my home country. So yeah, I will be living with my wife in a luxurious house, and my mom will be living in a not-so-good house in a third world country. Even if I make a good house for her, she will face many other problems there. Like she will have no one to talk. Electricity, water, transport-in a world standard of living will be no match, no matter how good is here dwelling place. Is it justice? It is not.

    On the other hand, I fully understand that there is a great potential of conflict if the mom in law and wife live together. It is inevitable there will be some violation of privacy if the wife has to live with her in laws. On top that, mom-in-law most of the time will want her daughter in law to do things in mom-in-law's ways, and no matter how good her intention is, this will give rise to conflict.

    Even if the mom in law does none of those things, the wife actually has the full right to demand a house of her own.

    Does anyone know how a man can strike a balance here? Especially when we know that our mom will take enormous pain and offense if we live separately from them, how can we live separately from them? I by any means not saying that wives do not have the right to demand their own house; I am just interested to hear from sisters (wives) on how we can actually solve this issue without upsetting any side.

    As I see it, there is no straight away solution. One side will have to make a sacrifice. Either wife will have to make some sacrifice, or the old mom who had always gone thorough pain, will have to make the sacrifice.

    I sometimes wonder why Allah has entrusted man with such a big trial :(. Surely we can bear it, otherwise Allah would have not tested us like this.

  5. Salaam brother,

    I can very well understand you as I have been through the same situation, except that you wife is lucky that her inlaw are not being nasty with her, atleast that what you said. But as sis Rumaysa has pointed out, are they being nice only infront of you?

    I personally dont think that it is a problem to move out with you wife. Moving out with your wife after marriage DOES NOT mean cutting off ties. For me I think the family relationship (esp your wife and her inlaws) will be much much better and much harmonius if you move out. I can fully understand you wife situation and she has a right to demand to move out. Dont take it negatively that you will leaving your parents alone forever, or because you are the only son you have to live with theme etc.

    Providing for your parents, loving them, caring for them as it is required by Islam doesnt mean staying with them under the same roof. You can still do that if you move out.

    I believe that if you dont move out, things may get worse between you and your wife (Allah forbids) and all that becuase of no big issue. she will feel frustrated as she will be living in same house against her will - you need to bear this in mind - she will not be living such for a day or for a week...but for whole life. and this can be really damaging.

    Like I have said, I have been through this situation and can very well relate to it. But you need to take the right decision AT THE RIGHT TIME.

    maybe what i can suggest is that you stay during the week at the new house and come over the weekend at your parents. In that way, your parents will not feel your departure too much and your wife will also be on her own during the week.

    YOu may also come over for dinner during the week along with wife etc....you said your wife doesnt mingle with them much, have you ever asked yourself why? there are some things that cant really be explained...

    But for me, moving out is the best solution to solve this problem and i re-emphasize that moving out doesnt equate to cutting ties.

    All the best
    Salams
    Naju

    • Fortunately, I am not married yet.

      But unfortunately, I do not have the spine to live separately from my mom, and I don't think I will ever grow that spine either. I understand that I can take care of my mom even if I stay away from her. However, my mom thinks otherwise. She simply equates living away from her to abandoning her.

      This situation is depressing sometimes, especially when I contemplate marriage. If I live away from my mom, knowing that how much it will hurt her, I will be overwhelmed by feelings like guilt and ungratefulness. On the other hand, I consciously do not want to make another innocent girl unhappy in any way.

      That is why I have decided that I will let my potential spouse know in advance that she can marry me only if she is wlling to take the challenge of living with mother in law. Unless I find a girl who willingly accepts this challenge, I will probably not marry.

      Does anyone know about Wais Qarni? He couldn't become a companion of the Messenger of Allah because he had to serve her mom. A sacrifice like delaying marriage is nothing compared to what Wais Qarni had to sacrifice to serve his mom.

      • well then brother wait till you get married then you can relate....u say its a big trial well women gives birth and that is a big trial nothing compared to any conflict btween ppl .... but we dont complain we just get pregnant so why should the man complain he should just solve the problm btween ma and daughter inlaw

      • You might remind your mother that she herself left home, got married and had her own family. If she had not, then you would not exist. Don't her children have the same rights? Isn't that the way of life? Your own children (her grandchildren) are also waiting to come into this world Insha'Allah and fulfill their destiny.

        Also, when you get married you could consider living nearby, rather than with your mom. Even living on the next block or across the street would afford you much more privacy and will probably make your marriage much smoother.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Seems a working solution. But the problem is you can't talk about the issue of living separate with some parents, even in the kindest possible manner, without them taking any offense. The parents may accept it the end, but they will do it with a lot grudge. And will it result it in good if I hurt their feelings?

          BTW, what if someone has a mother who is divorced? Or a mother who is a widow?

          I have seen situations like this, and the wives would still not welcome their mother-in-laws in the house. Will it not be cruel if such a mom is forced to live alone in separate house?

          One of the reasons this wife-mother in law problem has no solution is jealousy that is present in the heart of women. When the son gets married, most mom consciously and sub-consciously feel that another woman has taken control of her beloved son. Mom then feels that she can't compete with this new women in terms of physical beauty and thus feels more jealous. On the other hand, the wife also feels extremely jealous if she sees her beloved being controlled in any way by another woman, even if that woman is the mother of her husband, and thus harbors bad feelings against her mom-in-law.

      • it's nice of you to care for your mother and not want to leave her your future spouse will have parents too. What if they have no sons to take of them? Should they be all lone because your culture dictates it? Are they not humans too?!!

  6. Stranger,

    I personally dont agree with you that the mom in law feels inferior in terms of physical beauty and the wife frustrated because husband is being controlled solely by the mum.

    I believe each one has her own place in the man's life and heart and no one of them can replace the other, she should not even try to. If both women understand this concept, i think it would be much easier for all three of them. However, very often, mum in law tend to forget that once their son is married, he now has a family of his own to cater for. Despite being still the child of his parents, he needs to be able to demarcate to wat extent his parents can still impose on him. This definitely doesnt mean disobeying parents and listen to wife only but, the responsibility and love should now be shared - in a more mature way.

    If mums in law still try to "boss around" or get angry simply coz their ego come in between (when the son does smthg wife likes for e.g even if its not smthg bad), or make things so dificult for both son and daughter in law, i think marriage life will hardly prosper. (im generalising). They should understand that if they have decided to get their son married, they should therefore try not to interfere/boss around too much in the relationship btween man and wife. Ofcourse the wife also has her share of the play and many small issues/things if left ignored, are better.

    As for bro Husnain, you dont you try and tell your parents the situation you are in? There are some things in your post that lead one to assume that your parents are not that difficult to talk to and not that orthodox - you should know them better. It is normal that you are thinking they "might" be angry or might b hurt etc...on the spot, yes they will be more, but you need to acknowledge that they are elder and have more life experience than us....if they really arent nasty with wife behind your back (lol) and really love her, im sure they will understand that living seperate will be better for them and your family. Just pray 2 rakaat namaz nafil and ask Allah to help you in this difficult situation before you go talk to them. This will surely ease things out...InshAllah.

    Salaams
    Naju

  7. AslamOAliqum Brothers and Ssisters,

    I recently had the same situation with my wife and parents. Let me summarize it all.

    My wedding is two plus years old. I have one 1.5 years daughter and one new born son. My Wife had some issue with my Mom on simple talks which we men don't take it seriously but they do.

    She has left me and has gone to her parents and now demanding separate house.

    But i cannot leave my parents as there is no one to take care of them and they are in old age too. My two elder brothers are abroad so i have a big responsibility now.

    I clearly told my wife that i love you, my children's but i cannot leave my parents as well.

    I am stuck in this great puzzle of my life. My job also gets affected if i keep this tension with me all the time.

    I tried once to go and talk to my wife but she didn't i felt really insulted on this and now im not replying to her for many days.

    I am tensed she is tensed, my parents are tensed and our family from both side is really depressed.

    Moreover, i also made clear to everyone that i will never leave anyone as long as i am in Pakistan. But if i move to some other country than it is a different story. But going abroad takes time and my wife is also not ready to come to home for that time.

    I get very depressed some times and find no one to talk to as this is a family matter and i don't want anyone to know this to whom i know.

    What should i do? Can anyone please advice,

    Thanks and regards,

    • SWM, Walaykumsalaam,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      Thankyou,

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalamu Aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Islam has given men and women rights and responsibilities and if we follow them it is simple. Wife has right to her own house/appartment if she asks for that. Allah swt gave her that right. Period. And if she do ask to live separatly, it means she is suffering from living with in laws. Please see Islam question answer (Islam Q&A) and search for this for it is to much to wright in a few sentences. If we are muslims we follow Islam.

      JazakAllahu kheir

  8. Salam,

    I had a little laugh about what concerned said about women being pretty emotional. It was true sometimes men dont have a bother with what women think are huge issues.

    I would also like to point out how brother Wael reminded you that your mother had moved out to start her own family and so forth. Very true.

    Coming from a woman, personally I would never live with my in laws. Although I have love for them, I would have rather waited for my husband to have enough money for us to move out before we got married which is within my rights so he had no issue with it. Its a privacy thing I think. I dont want to be walking on egg shells in my own 'home'. But I do also see if from the male view, especially being the only son.

    You should look for a place nearby I think. So you can keep your wife happy and your parents are still being taken care of. Although I dont have experience in the custom of living with the in laws for years and years so I cant really understand it fully. But I do have friends who stay with the in laws for a few months till they have the money to move out.

    But goodluck brother. I wish you all the best,. Its hard enough to keep one woman happy LET ALONE TWO! hahaha

  9. assalamu laikum brothers and sisters

    brother i can relate to your wife. i am in the same predicament. and YES wenever my husband has his foot of the door my mother in law puts me down, abuses my family and becomes unislamic in every possible way, backbiting, bitching, lying u name it. its a very hard and hosyile situation - the only thing pulling me throug is sabr and the coupl of hours me and my husband have alone together( out of the house) keep me going for another few days until i breakdown and cry. i stay in my room to avoid her and my brother in laws, i can hear them talking about me, how im this and that and brittish daughter in laws are no good and how my husband shud have married a girl from pakistan who would be just like her. i do my duties i serve my husband i clean i cook - im a good cook, i dont agree with what she sez- i do everything he asks.
    my point is brother, ur wife is not going to admit anything unless it becomes severly oppressing, she will eventually breakdown in front of you and cry, but as i have done i have learned there are consequences. when my husband learned of her behaviour he asked her and now things are even worse - so u see my brother ur wife needs to have peace in order to deal with ur inlaws in a mannerism acceptable in islam.
    i truly believe i would have a better realtionship with my inlaws having not lived with them.

    al humdo lillah i hope allah mia shows you and your wife the righteous path, but you as a man are responsible for her hapiness, do not let al-ghurbah (alienation) preceed your loved ones, shaytan will applaud this.

    with love and sincerity your sister.

  10. Salaam. I'm a new Muslim and have been married for almost two years now. I'm having issues with my husband and don't know what to do. He doesn't want to work and it's as if I'm the husband and he's the wife he doesn't provide for me in any way and I'm fed up.

  11. I have been living with my husband and his mother for almost 2 years, and I think me and your wife have very similar feelings.

    When I came to my husband’s home, it was nothing like where I was raised. My mom in law loves to hoard things and there’s things here and there and everywhere. The family doesn’t seem to help to make the house a clean and homely environment either. While I come from a place where everything is neat and tidy and works perfectly, I was feeling rather suffocated and frustrated in the beginning. I tried to adapt and my mom in law too tries I know. She’s been very accommodating, and tries to be more organized. I am thankful for that, and of course feel terrible for wishing she was MORE minimalist and didn’t like to keep every single thing, even rotten food.

    Additionally, she busies herself daily so I don’t really see her that often at home as I also work. But when we’re all home, we don’t see eye to eye on things we talk about, and I feel like it is hard to speak to her if I don’t agree with her as she tries to push her thoughts and believes onto people around her constantly not listening but trying hard to make us agree with her.

    I do this often to people, by staying away from them to avoid conflicts and it seems to work, but I’m sorry to say I do not feel like staying together in the house as I will avoid her when she comes home. Just like your wife does.

    I did tell my husband that I believe I would be able to treat her better if only we didn’t live together and have to face each other every single day. Do you notice how much nicer you are when meeting people you don’t meet so often? You’ll have nice things and stories to share and you miss them more and look forward to seeing them again next time. I made an example on family members we visit once in awhile. And how harmoniously I feel with that person in this sort of situation.

    Perhaps it’s different for a man, living with their parents or in laws, than it is for women. I get where you’re coming from, but I’m sure your wife has her side of story too, as to why she is uncomfortable. It is nice to be able to live as a family unit... but not everyone has the patience, the heart, the faith. Unfortunately. Like me. I constantly ask Allah to forgive me for my sins and wishing I don’t have to stay with her. Especially when she isn’t that bad really, compared to a lot of other stories I’ve heard or read. And I do pray Allah help guide me and help me be a better daughter in law and wife and in law to my husband’s family... but it’s all a learning process. It’s true when you marry someone you also marry the family they come with... but I guess staying with them, is another test all on its own. Because they see every flaw of yours. As opposed to if you just met then once in awhile.

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