Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife won’t stay with my parents

Assalamualaykum,

I am posting my question here to get a neutral opinion for my problem. I am a married, working 42-year-old, the only son of my parents, have two sisters, one is married living abroad, younger sister (she also works) is living with my parents in my home country. My wife is a twin sister...in total they are 4 sisters, they have no brother, her mother lives with her eldest sister. With my wife I have two daughters 7 and 1 yrs old. We are from a middle class family.

I am working in the Middle East, UAE, for my work. I got married in 2011, and after my wedding, I processed the documents and got her a Visa and she came to live with me 3 months after the wedding. She stayed with me for three years. During her first pregnancy she wished to deliver the baby in our home country so I agreed and sent her back...during pregnancy she stayed with her family which is understandable but later she didn't moved back to our home in my home country which me and my parents accepted...but then after persuading her much she moved to my home, (in the beginning there were some issues between my wife and my parents..which we settled and she apologized and things got normalized). In our society, women once married should live at their husband's place. At the time of my wedding, my parents were living in a rented apartment in my home country and we had separate rooms.

Later, due to my job situation, I had to send my wife back home, and since then she is living with her sisters and occassionaly visits my parents only after reminding her several time that she should at least visit my parents...otherwise , she only goes when I visit my parents on short leaves...she stays the duration and leave for her sister's place as soon as I returned back to UAE.

Up until now, I have never asked her to serve my parents....but still she do not live at our place and always tries to get back to her sister and mother. I only want her to live where I want her to live and be a part of our small family, and want her to call our place her home and settle there...since my younger sister also works 9-5 only my aged parents are alone at home.

Me and my family cannot understand why she is avoiding to settle there with my parents at our home in our home country. In this my two daughters are getting more closer to her family....my parents miss my kids so much...they want to see them and play with them but I think it is of no importance to her. Initially, my parents didn't even insist me to ask her to live with us, after witnessing her short temper and anger....but now they really want to see my kids as they also getting old and also want to see the joy of spending time with my kids and see them growing..is this an unjust wish??

I know that wife should stay where her husband lives but due to economical situation and job problems I had to send her back as I mentioned earlier...I did what ever I could in the situation. Please advise: shouldn't she stay at my place in our home country, with my parents, willingly? I don't want to force her. It hurts me a lot. I would be so happy if she herself live with us. I told her several times that it's my wish that she stay at our place. The excuse she has is that there is no one there to help her in picking my daughter from school, doing grocery shopping etc. Though she knows how to drive and I do have a car back home, she is still giving this excuse.

My aging father is managing till now. I know it's my responsibility to serve my parents and I'm really not a good son in this regard..my greatest regret 🙁  I told my wife many times that there are women who are living even more tough lives...but nothing helps...although she knows that I miss my parents and want to be with them, and that's why I asked her to live with them. At least if she lives with them, she could fill my place in some way. But she keeps herself away from my family.

At one time she said "Your parents are only relatives to me just like any other relatives...I was speechless...how can she say like this...doesn't this mean that she has no regards for my parents and she considers them only a relative? And that she only cares about her mother, her sisters, and her family? She actually said this to me...there is no exaggeration.

During this time, my father and mother got sick, my father got hospitalized, and my company did not allowed me to visit. I should have visited them, but I could not, but not on a single occasion did my wife go to stay at my home, my younger sister did all the care and manage home and her job. May Allah SWT bless her reward for it.

My parents didn't look at anything while searching for bride for me --neither looks, beauty, nor any dowry --we wanted  a simple and educated family. Other wise with people in our society, parents have high demands and requirement from brides and their families..but I agreed on my parents choice.

Anyways, since I sent her back from UAE, she is living with her elder sister home where her mom also lives. There her brother-in-law and her sister are doing everything and she feels very happy there. They don't have any servents either. My wife goes to pick my daughter from school. Even our home is not away from her sister's place but she still prefer to live with sister and mother. I had to ask her to visit my parents. And she acts like a guest whenever she come at my home.. It really make me sad.

A couple of years back her twin sister has developed a brain tumor and their entire family were very disturbed. At that time she was living with me in UAE, she wanted to go there to see her sister, and I agreed and sent her back...despite the fact that my daughter was going school in UAE. She stayed with her sister for more than 6 months.

She had issues and complaints about power cuts and water shortage in our apartment. These problems are everywhere in our city. Considering that fact I figured my wife can happily move if I get some better place. So I found accommodation with higher rent, more than my budget. I rented a bigger house with big rooms so she can live with my family, but still she is living with her sister. I have asked her politely that she should move back as my parents also want to see my kids and want her to live with us. She only goes to her home to do main work cook clean and just return back to their sister home.

Then her elder sister son (her nephew) was diagnosed with leukemia and again their family got disturbed and she said her sister need them in this difficult time. And recently my mother-in-law got sick and hospitalized and she got reason to stay there. Just to mention, two of her sisters are doctors, my wife also has medical degree. Why she is only considering herself and her family on priority? I'm here away from her...we seldom talk...whenever I call, she gives phone to my daughter. She doesn't even show her face if she talks to me...and most of the time she talks about money matters and other materialistic things.

I am a person with strong sexual urges and living away from my wife is in itself a test for me...she does not make any time for me...not a single loving message on Whatsapp..I told her this too, but it was of no use.

I still remember when we were planning to visit to our country for first time with my wife after marriage for annual vacation for 30 days, a few days before our departure she asked me when she could visit her mother and sisters. I just casually told her we will see or will decide when we get there. She had a huge argument and fight with me, asking me "tell me when you will let me visit my family... confirm me." I was shocked to see her extreme reaction on such a small issue. I didn't deny her to visit her family but I got really disturbed....I even asked her if she want to go to her family directly from airport??

Please suggest how to handle this situation... I can not afford to give her separate place due my financial situation. She is really short tempered, speaks loudly, and has superstitious thinking. How I can make her realize that if I have allowed her to stay with her family in difficult times, it doesn't mean that she can always live there. And she can not have every thing she wants -- she also has to compromise and should listen to her husband and what he want. Why is she not considering my likes and dislikes. Really I'm losing interest in her. But just because of my daughters I am accepting it.

She says husband and wife are of same stature. I tried to explain that wife has to obey her husband. In Islam, Allah has given husband right and responsibility for his wife and kids. But she said she don't believe this. And "she knows everything...no need to give her typical lectures of husband rights and wife responsibilities." Don't you think she should support me and listen to me rather do what she feel and think right? And that if she has to serve her mother, she should also consider my parents as hers on my relations side? Am I asking too much from her?? Or is she exploiting me?

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34 Responses »

  1. Wlkassalam,

    Honestly i dont want to sound biased here being a women . She has to obey you but she has the right to stay wherever she wishes to. Your parents are your responsibility and you have to serve them . She can ask for seperate home if she doesnt wish to stay with them which is islamically right and you have to give her that right.

    You cannot force her to stay with your parents with you yourself being away. I am sorry to say that as much as she has ruling to obey you . You as a husband also have responsibility of giving her a seperate home if she doesnt wish to stay with your parents. She has to respect them not serve them and she has right to stay where she likes to... you married her for yourself not for ur parents so you have to understand this.

    Coming to talking sweetly to you she has all duty to talk to you sweetly and it comes from both the sides may be she is avoiding you as she doesnt want to fight over the same topic over and over again. If you want to fulfil your duties as a son you have to go to your parents and stay or serve with them. You cannot ask your wife to do that as she has no responsibility but if she does it willingly Allah will give her rewards in your case which she is not willing to do and i dont think there is any sin on her as long as she respects your parents.

    About your parents being old and needing someone to take care of them the responsibilty lies on you as a son and your sisters as tge daughters not on your wife so you cannot blame her. If you dont like she staying with her parents then you will have to make a seperate house for her as she doesnt wish to stay with your parents and sometimes its better to be away and maintain good relationship with everyone than stay together and fight everyday . Since you are not there at your home you wouldnt know how she feels around with your parents no matter how good they must be , your wife has to be comfortable which in your case she is not as far as i understand.

    She has all the rights to deny staying with your parents Islamically rest I hope your relationship improves in sha Allah with your wife and Hope Allah gives you same understanding and sorts out issues.

  2. WS

    Sounds to me like you want her to be a servant to your parents and that is not her job. She has no duty or need to stay with your parents whilst you are not there - it might be traditional in your culture but in Islam it is not obligatory on her.

    You also have to remember she is your wife - not your servant. She does not have to listen to everything you say, especially when it puts her through unnecessary hardship.

    If you need someone to look after your parents you need to hire someone to do that job. Insisting your wife looks after your parents belittles her role as your wife and mother of your children and makes her into an unpaid servant.

    Islam does not say your wife has to serve your parents because it makes you happy. You are failing in your duties towards her by not being with her - have you thought about that?

    You should be happy she is looking after your daughters without you being there to help her. She has married you, not your family. Just as you have rights over your wife, she too has rights over you and one of these rights is the right not to be abused and used as an unpaid servant which is what you want her to be.

    • I was going to write the exact same thing :). In the end of the day, a woman's right in Islam is to live in her own house. And she's not responsible for her in-laws.

  3. You must be from a country in the Sub-continent where the Hindu culture is still rampant. You expecting your wife to live with YOUR parents (especially when you are living in a different country) is not recommended in Islam.

    In Islam, a wife is only supposed to take care of her husband and children and may look after HER own parents. YOU as a man have to serve and take care of YOUR own parents (or your siblings) and cannot expect your wife to do it. It is also HER right in Islam to ask for a separate accommodation away from her in-laws. Honestly, your wife is doing you a favour by living with her sister since you are unable to afford a separate place.

    You said, "I am a person with strong sexual urges and living away from my wife is in itself a test for me...she does not make any time for me...not a single loving message on Whatsapp. I told her this too, but it was of no use."

    This is an entirely separate issue. Why on Earth are living in a different country for a long period of time? You should be living together with your wife and children as a cohesive family unit. Your wife is obviously very busy handling your kids without your presence. When there is physical distance between the spouses, it does create a wedge between them.

    You are losing interest in her? Well she may be losing interest in you as well. Think about it. Relationships require hard work, dedication and constant nurturing. I know you are trying your best, but the life you have given her is not ideal as you are bound to your culture more than Islam.

    I believe you should seriously reflect on your thinking process and the decisions you have made in the past. You need to take some serious action in order to obtain a peaceful, happy, loving and successful life with your spouse. I pray to Allah Almighty that he eases everything in your path, InshaAllah.

  4. What everyone telling above is that your parents are untouchable and as your wife is great personality who don't want to go and meet your parents even for few minutes ( forget staying together ) .she has done right thing .Even if your parents are suffering due to old age your wife don't necessarily have to go to meet your parents
    If you abandon your parents again its holy act for above people as becoming a slave of wife and abandoning parents is what will earn you respect in this forum
    She can stay in her mom's place with her sister and non mehram brother in law .She can stay freely with non mehram man as you are good husband so supposed to make her happy .
    But please make note that abandoning your parents get highest joy and praise in this forum ..
    Also same people enjoys photo shops of helping poor people on road to put in Facebook and enjoys abandoning own relatives ..

    Please remember here your wife dont want to meet your parents even for few minutes (forget staying together ) and this holy act has brought cheers among our highly respected above Islamic people .

    • @Mr cool: Everyone above who has commented has commented and suggested the brother according to Islamic perspective. Nor his wife or he is related to us. So we are not supporting her . We are just saying what Allah has given right to a women in Islam .

      Brother in this question has prioritised culture over religion and it's plainly visible that he has more understanding and respect for culture than Islam as a religion and he has also told in the question that in his culture a groom demands a lot of things from bride which is contrary to what is mentioned in Quran( read Sura Baqarah) a Brother instead has to pay mehar to marry a women and not the other way round.

      Lastly, about his wife staying with his sisters and non mehram brothers in law is because the brother himself mentioned in the question that he cannot afford a separate house for his wife which is basically the brother's fault not her fault and also he should be thankful that his wife is not being very demanding here by asking him to make a separate home which in real she should.. From the above question, I feel the brother is worried only about his feelings and his elderly parents which as a good son he is worried but honestly it's his duty to serve his aged parents not his wife. She is not a servant and moreover she is already doing a favour on him by taking care of his kids alone in his abscense.

      I feel sorry for her that after doing so much she also has to handle this brother's thinking due to lack of understanding of his religion. Please read Quran with translation and authentic Hadith's of duties of daughter in law's in Islam to her husband's parents and you will find that she has to respect them not serve them and also she has right to stay wherever she likes and staying with brother in law's if she follows pardah properly . She is forced to do that as this brother cannot afford separate home so it's not at all her fault.

      Please also reflect on our Prophet Mohammed(pbuh) and his lifestyle you will get to know how he treated his wives and asked all the brother's in Islam to do same.

      Hope Allah gives you better understanding . Ameen!!

      • I see two more joined now to cheer the fact that ignoring old age parents is like some holy act .

        Even people have sympathy towards dogs( when they are sick) and here some people putting old aged parents even in worst category saying not my job , not your job . That means No body should help each other in this world "as not my job or your job theory" applies for some people

        There are few points which are clear

        1)A wife can't be slave to any one .Neither to husband nor to in laws

        2)If there are bigger problems from in law then no need to stay there .

        3) If in laws house is big enough and have privacy she can stay there and husband doesn't have to waste money to get house

        4)If separate house is needed then this demand needs to be done before marriage itself as buying new house or on rent is not a joke . If its not demanded its default assumption that she is going to stay there with in laws .

        5)In above case we have not heard any torture of bad treatment from in laws and it seems she has opted to stay with sister and bro in law just for her arrogance and selfish behavior .

        As we have seen this selfish attitude of not helping old parents is cheered by similar selfish people saying "not my job: . I guess even if some one is dying on road they will simple pass saying not my job .

        There is no doubt without any issues that girl don't want to meet( forget staying ) their old parents .This is totally un islamic ,selfish and threat to Akhirat of son .

        Such is the level of selfishness that people seems to encouraging not meeting for few minutes also .

        Above sister justifying that she staying with non mehrem bro in law is fine as husband cant afford her house through husband's house is available already with no non mehrem there . People minds are corrupted and spoiled now due to movies ,serials etc .
        Haraam is new normal for them .

        • @cool If Ur ignorant then go learn of Islam looks like u don't even know basics.

          It is ordained by Allah that a daughter in law has no responsibility towards parents in law except out of her willingness. You cannot force her and coming to the parents part the brother as a son it's his duty to do that not his wife. You cannot get a wife for Ur own purposes to take care of Ur family. Especially when he himself is not at home and he expects wife to take care of his parents which is totally selfish and unacceptable. If he is such a good son he should leave the job and come and take care of his parents . Money is more important than parents? He can always find a decent job in his home country may be paying less then in that case he says his wife is not staying despite he being there then it is justified. Men like this have made our religion look bad I am sorry you can't be ignorant and use Islam for Ur selfish reasons.

          May Allah(SWT) guide you.

          • Naheda and WarGlaives

            It seems how bad your reading capability is .
            I have put many scenarios when it is not required and when it can be required to serve .
            There is no black and white in life . Life is GREY most of the time .

            There can be scenario when your own /daughter are not available and there is emergency and some needs to help them .

            I am sure you both great souls will be first one to escape from the scene when required for own selfish interests ,

            If everything you r looking from black and white then almost 90 percent has to take divorce in this world as there can't be any perfect world .

            Selfish people are first to talk about "Not my Job" as like both of you .

            So as per Islam staying with Bro in law who is non mehrem too haraam even if he can't provide seperate home .Then how you both great souls advocating her to stay with him ?

            So both of you need to learn Islam and also need to understand complexity of the world .
            Blanket comments will not help .

          • @Cool All I can say for you is May Allah (SWT) guide you and you are no where to judge me if I or the other person will stay and escape the scene. I am sure you help lot of old aged people everywhere so May Allah bless you for that.

            All I can say is I am thankful to Allah that I don't have people surrounded by thinking you carry.

            Talking about divorce rates it happens as men think culture is more important than Islam and it's a duty of women to be a slave to his parents and his own family and they just don't want to learn what is written and told by Allah(SWT) and talking about black and white scenes. It's only acceptable if the wife is willing to serve by her own will if not there is no sin on her you cannot force her period. May Allah ( SWT) bless you with more guidance and ability to accept what is written in our religion. Peace!!!

        • The husband is physically responsible for his own parents and the wife is responsible for her own parents, according to Islam.

          The best way is to spread awareness about what Allah mentions is clearly present in the Holy Quran and Sahih Hadiths, and I truly hope that desi people who are slaves to the Hindu culture can dispel such archaic beliefs, InshaAllah. If desi people prefer joint families and such culture, then they are free to follow it... but please don't call it Islam.

          • Be careful with mentioning certain traditions and label them as Hindu, WarGlaives...before you know it, you're going to be accused of calling people pagans :D.

          • I am from India myself. People don't like reality check in our country. They definitely follow the Indian culture where it is dharam(Farz) of daughter in law's to take care of husband s parents and if they don't they are accused of being bad women. Unfortunately, our brothers though being a Muslim don't want to educate themselves despite of having scriptures in place . They follow the culture and not religion and if someone tries to teach them they won't like and they will accuse you back being heartless and selfish this is the reason India has lost great scholars like havr to find refuge in another country. It's not the Hindus or kaafirs who were against. It's our brothers in Islam who don't like being taught what is written in Quran and hadith coz it overlaps the so called culture which they have followed from ages.

            May Allah guide us.

          • Naheeda,

            What you are telling about people not looking for proper source of Deen is true
            Most of people prefer Culture which is not correct .

            But unfortunately people from both the sides

            1) who prefer culture
            2)people who goes with Quran and Hadith only

            Some people from above both the types tries to take everything selectively when its suitable for them else both ignore it .
            You can't generalize it but many people do it .

            I have not said it is mandatory for daughter in law to serve parents in law .

            Same people who escape from scene by quoting "not my job" are ready to talk mingle with non mehrems like cousins,brother in laws , going for marriages without hijabs etc etc ..And they don't see Islamic rule violation there ?

            And when such people starts coming with your type of theory of black and white then they will get back such response .

            You can see black sheeps in both the sides .

            Be realistic in life and try to be good . Make sure that you have single face and not selective Islam when it suits you take it and leave it when you want to violate it .

            I think further discussion is waste of time here .

        • Cool, the questioner's sister is already living in the house. The sister can take care of her own parents and she can continue even doing so after marriage.

          Naheeda, it's best if desi women learn their true rights in Islam and rebel against their culture which oppresses them.

          • Even if sister is living , lot of things can happen in no time . Illegal SEX is common nowadays .

            People who are following Cultural things do lot of non sense , you don;t have to do it .
            People who says they follow proper sources(not culture) i have seen many violating Islamic rules in other aspects like cheating in businesses , going with non mehrems , illegal affairs etc etc .

            I know you can't generalize above but you can see so many black sheeps from both the sides .

            So when some one comes with big mouth then obviously talks will go in countering way as we know other side what dirt they are carrying .

          • Cool, the questioner should save enough money and provide separate accommodation for his wife and children. Simple.

          • WarGlaives

            Cool answer .
            Have a cool day now .

          • Cool, JazakAllah Khair. You too, InshaAllah.

        • You stated: "In above case we have not heard any torture of bad treatment from in laws and it seems she has opted to stay with sister and bro in law just for her arrogance and selfish behavior."

          That statement along with a few others only reveals your limited view and understanding of Islam and marriage in Islam, along with a very negative view about the wife. It is understood by intelligent Muslims that a woman has the right to live in her own home. Your incorrect and judgmental statements only confirm the belief of many that when a Muslim woman exercises her Allah given rights, she is being selfish or arrogant.

          Let's review the facts. The husband does not live with his wife because his job is in another country. The husband's parents are not well and need assistance. The husband has two sisters. The husband wants his wife and two children to live with his parents and care for them. The husband is also complaining about his unmet sexual needs. The husband does not understand why his wife views his parents as relatives, not her parents. But because the wife who is raising two children alone, does not want to live with her in-laws she is somehow arrogant and selfish.

          Maybe the husband should rethink his work, personal responsibilities, etc. Maybe the husband should hire someone to help his parents. Maybe the husband should realize his wife has her own parents and marrying him only made his parents her in-laws. Maybe the husband should realize while he is away from home, enjoying peace and quiet while living alone, his wife might also be feeling lonely and desirous for romance while her husband is gone. Maybe the husband should take some time to better understand Islam in terms of marriage and family life, as well as his own duties to his parents.

    • We don't follow the Hindu culture and call it Islam, Alhamdulillah. Perhaps you should learn about true Islam and stop following the culture of your forefathers.

      https://islamqa.info/en/answers/6388/to-what-extent-can-the-husbands-relatives-interfere-in-his-wifes-life

      https://islamqa.info/en/answers/7653/she-does-not-want-to-live-with-her-husbands-family

    • @cool:

      No where in my comments I have supported the sister not meeting his parents is right.

      You have to maintain the rights of your kinship everywhere coz the sisters kids are related to her in law's and its her duty to leave them there atleast during holidays so that the grand parents find solace in the kids.

      I have only commented and disagreed with the statement of stating that it's his wife's responsibility of taking care of his parents when he himself is not present in the house and also I mentioned in the comment that if she follows proper pardah then she is ok to stay with sister and non mehram brother in law but not otherwise . Ideally, she should stay in a home where she can call it hers with only mehrams . The brother in question mentioned he cannot afford it and sister doesn't like to stay with his parents and its her own will wherever she wants to stay but ideally it's better if she stays alone or with her own parents .

      If she wants to stay with his parents out of her own will then she will be definitely rewarded by Allah(SWT) but calling her a bad women and imposing on her when she is not willing to do it is definitely unacceptable.

      Brother has also mentioned in the question that he has a sister staying at his place so she has a responsiblity towards her parents and she can continue doing it not his wife if she is not willing to do. For that reason he cannot go and take extreme steps like leaving her or abandoning her. The divorce rates are high due to the lack of understanding here.

      If he is so much worried about his parents then he should quit the job and come and stay with his family and serve them that will give happiness to everyone even his own kids who are growing up without a father figure despite of father being there. Money is not the ultimate happiness . Allah will give you more if you are leaving something to do good or serve your parents. Don't put the blame on women whom you marry just coz they married you they are your wives not slave's.

      Hope that helps. If you still disagree with my comment it's ok we are not on same page.lets leave it here. I am only responding back coz I am from same country and I want brothers in our country to change and be a good Muslim than prioritising culture and being ignorant due culture dominance.

      May Allah(SWT) bless me and you with better understanding of our Deen and give us the ability and to think from others perspective and forgive me if I say something which you didn't like.

      Jazakhallah Khair.

      • naheeda

        Thanks for your comments .
        As some one was saying Rebel against Culture , I myself from the beginning (from teen days) is against culture costumes and i am kind of rebel against cultural practices . I don't follow cultural practices and never forced others to do it .

        I believe that information should be followed from correct source .

        My answer is mainly from Selective usage of religious quotes/texts which when suits people takes it and ignore when they want to go to different way .

        There are many hypocrites in India from the both sides (Cultural and non cultural one ) and don't get impressed much with people when they comes up with big mouth with selected quotes (I am talking about general public) ..

        Anyway , All the best to you . It is good that you want to remove cultural influences but one needs to be practical in life too . Life is normally grey . Its not black and white .

        • You are saying “life is normally grey. It’s not black and white”...you are so thick headed and being so black and white about your answer- if someone says “it’s not my job” then it means the person is selfish. It’s not the daughter in laws job. She has to do it willingness. It’s not her duty to serve them. What desi mentality are you still thinking?

        • Cool,

          You say: "Life is normally grey . Its not black and white"

          Actually, life is pretty black and white. There is truth and falsehood. Light and Dark. But if you do not have Firasah (discernment, insight), it will appear gray until you learn.

          In any event, it's a philosophical concept.

          Nor

      • Naheeda, just a general comment. If a wife is expected to look after and take care of her husband's parents, then shouldn't the husband also look after or be responsible for his wife's parents?

        Why can't a husband serve his mother in law and father in law?

        • @WarGlaives its understood that if a wife is willing to serve his parents then the husband also has to serve her parents when they are in need . Its humanity.

          If they are not willing to help each others parens then as per Islam there is no sin on each other if they dont do.. but its good if they do and also both the inlaws be it husband s or wives shouldnt discriminate their children and treat them like their own kids without offending and making them feel that its their duty.

          There are people who help old aged people in Ngo's to gain good deeds . Why not we start from our own elders who are at home be it his parents or wives parents at the end of the day they are our elders and related to us.

          My only concern is desi in laws make a women who come to their house as if its her duty and I have seen them treat them like a maid literally and also they discriminate between their son and daughter in law and more worse of they have their own daughters. I think our elders have to be educated too here . So brothers in our society have to educate their own parents to treat his wife like a wife ad the responsibility lies on him. If he himself has crooked thinking due to culture the wives feelings will be cornered out and our children will follow the same foot steps .

          Yes, as per Islam there is no responsibility of parents in law but if they are nice to you and good with you and they treat you well its good we also help them as they are our elders and in sha Allah it will only help our Akhirat.

          It should just not be imposed and made the women feel its her responsibility and if she is not doing it she is made feel bad that she is a bad women and also the husband has to even help his inlaws when they are in need .

          Even a kind word is charity so we should help everyone as much as we can we dont know what will benefit us in Akhirat.

  5. Salaam to be honest I now everyone in the forum might not like my comment but this is the same situation my brother went through has I’m married in abroad
    8 years of marriage his wife was to much our father passed away me sistr inlaw didn’t care about our mum bro couldn’t leave job
    Only solution was we made him got married again
    It’s been 2 years now sec wife and mum live happily with the new baby boy
    First wife comes and goes it was hard to afford for my bro but to get peace he had to do it for himself and mum
    Because life too short he had explained his first wife enough lost his father
    So now he is very happy hope that help

  6. Asalamualaikum Brother,

    I can understand your dilemma and feelings of sadness when it comes to being unable to physically take care of your aging parents. I can also understand the financial limitations you have that may have put you in this difficult situation where you are not close enough to serve your parents yourself. I ask Allah swt to ease your affairs in this matter while being just with all people you are responsible towards in your life, ameen.

    With that being said, islamically your wife is not obligated to live with any of your family members be it your mother, father, or sisters. She has a right prior to and after marriage to request separate accommodation where she is free from any harm or lack of privacy. This is the right Allah swt has provided her. It is not haram to live with your in-laws (so long as the limits of sharia are followed—i.e., proper hijab if one is living amongst her brother-in-law(s) but if one is wise they will understand the problems that arise living in a joint family system where often the women is left sacrificing her self worth and dignity. If a home is large enough and separate quarters can be created (i.e., separate kitchen area, bathroom and entrance) then the wife cannot ask for a completely separate house as the requirement for separate accommodation has been met. The key here is that she has a right to live her life free from interference from her in-laws and enjoy her privacy. If the husband is unable to financially provide her with separate accommodation, then she must be patient and wait until he is able to do so and the husband should strive to try his best to find her a place where she can live freely and privately as soon as possible.

    In terms of aging parents, the sole responsibility of taking care and serving them lies on you and your other siblings. Alhumdulillah I encourage you to look at this situation in a more positive limelight. Although you are not physically present to take care of your parents, your sister is. May Allah swt reward her for serving her parents, ameen. There are many people (like my husband himself) that are the only child and the sole responsibility falls on them so your are blessed that even though you are far away, your sibling is able to physically take care of them. Please look at how Allah swt has not abandoned your parents; He has created a means for them to be physically and emotionally taken care of. I encourage you to tell your parents this as well so they are thankful because you could have very well been their only child and the situation could have been a lot worse. So please do not compel your wife to live with your parents only because your culture dictates that. Be just and you will see the reward Allah will give you in this duniya and hereafter, inshaAllah. Meanwhile, if you can, call your parents daily, send them money if need be, essentially, do whatever you can within your means to take care of them. You are still obligated to assist them in whichever you can despite living in a different country. Focus on what you can do to be a better son and not what your wife can do as these are your parents, not hers.

    In terms of kind treatment from your wife’s end towards your parents and vice versa, that is obligatory. Both parties must at any cost treat each other with kindness and utmost respect while adhering to each other’s rights. The same way you should treat her parents (and they should treat you) with kindness and respect. If she can and it seems like she can, she should visit them more often so your daughters get the opportunity to spend more time with their paternal grandparents. I understand they may feel a little left out that the girls have ample time with their maternal grandparents and not as much time with them so in this situation your wife should open her heart a bit more towards your parents and give them more time with their grandchildren. Please note, I also encourage you to remind your parents to be reasonable and not make this a competition between which grandparents get more time. If your wife hypothetically lived with your parents then her parents would end up getting less time with your daughters. Would your parents and yourself advocate for fair time in such a situation? Therefore, if possible I highly encourage you to call your wife and children back so no one is complaining and both of your intimate needs are being met as well which worries me more than the issue you wrote in about.

    Lastly, I would like to point out that you said your wife also lives with her brother-in-law. In this situation, please try and call her back if possible as he is a non-mahram to her and this not an ideal situation for your her and your daughters to be living in. I highly encourage her to practice proper hijab in his presence (even if it is difficult) as he is her non-mahram and it is unacceptable for her to be walking around freely in his presence. I do not think this is an ideal situation to be in, for yourself, your wife, or your daughters so please think about my suggestion.

    I pray that Allah swt eases your affair and guides your heart towards what is proper and just, ameen.

    • Believing Sister

      Good to read your long message .

      I think after marriage both spouses ends up hating in -laws .
      I used to think that marriage bring families closer but if you analyze it repels families (mentally )as most of spouses ends up disliking in -laws . (Almost all) . I don't thing anybody is there in this world who says i love my in -laws 🙂 that is normal to dislike each other

      Also if you analyze further , Marriage revolves around money as money is needed at almost all stages of life .

      Reality of life is money doesn't come so easily and all theoretical good plans vanishes in air soon after marriage .

      Also a believing Muslim is brought up in way saying Money is not everything and everyone has to die one day and whats the use of running behind money .Suddenly after marriage he realizes that Money is almost everything else it will screw up entire family 🙂 Even a wife can demand divorce Islamically if husband doesn't have enough money to get her separate accommodation/or whatever other stuff 🙂 🙂

      As a good son supposed to take care of parents then he has to spend considerable time for parents and this time he needs to take out from Wife and kids' time (Normally weekends) . This is going to lead to further issues saying there is no time for wife and kids 🙂

      So overall , marriage is one big complex thing( even when assume there are no bigger issues from any one) . There is no complete black and white 🙂

      I think the time when you starts earning after graduation till the time you don't get married is the best time of life which you enjoys the most in life without any complexities 🙂

  7. Asalamualaikum Admin,

    I wrote a lengthy post here for the brother and it got reported as spam even though there was nothing offensive written. Kindly, can you look in this and post my response.

    JazakAllah.

  8. Assalaamualaykum Silverline,

    There is no compulsion in the religion of Islam. If your wife wishes to stay with your parents and help them in their old age out of the goodness of her heart, then great. However, it is no sin on her if this in not something she wishes to do.

    Best,

    Nor

  9. Assalam-u-alaikum,

    @Cool, Firstly, the aged parents are not alone and living with their daughter, who is taking care of them and that is how it is supposed to be. If there was no daughter in the picture,
    we would have expected the daughter-in-law to have a big heart and serve them for goodness sake. But even then, no one could have forced her, as Islam does not allow that.

    Second, those saying that the man should get a separate house for the wife are wrong here because of one thing. He has clearly mentioned that he is away from home to earn a living,
    which he is right at. Islam, clearly states that if a Man can provide a separate house then he should, but if he can't provide a separate house then at least he should provide a
    separate place in the same house with a separate bedroom, bath and kitchen so that the wife can have her privacy and freedom and it won't be a burden on the husband. Even if this is
    not possible for the husband then either he should not marry in the first place or he should inform the wife to be and her parents of the situation prior to marriage. So if they agree
    then after marriage wife should not complain and wait until the husband gets a better living and is capable of providing separate space or house. And the man should not make her wait for
    no fiancial reaons. If he is financially stable enough for a separate house then its his responsibility to do so.

    This brother has multiple issues going on which need to be solved separately.
    1. Wife does not serve his parents. Here you are wrong as your parents are not her responsibility. Its your and your sisters responsibility to either take care of them yourself or if
    that is not possible then hire a maid and ask your sisters to contribute in paying the maid as this is their responsibility too and not alone yours. Your wife has nothing to do on how
    you solve this problem.
    2. Wife does not live with parents even after getting a bigger house. Here wife is wrong, if you have provided her with a separate portion in same house then she should not disobey
    you. But if you have asked to live in same space and serve and cook for parents too, then she has a right to not agree to this. Again, hire a maid who will do the chores for your
    parents and let your wife be independent in her own space/portion. Also, for her living in separate portion is recommended in Islam then living with her married sister as she is
    disturbing their privacy too and living with a non-mehram, that's wrong. The point of wife having a separate house/portion is privacy and freedom and parda from non-mehrams. If she
    doesn't obey you in this and has your daughters too living with a non-mehram then its your right to separate your daughters from her, provided that you have provided her with a separate
    portion with independent kitchen and living space and bath. Do not force her to live with your parents, that's not right.
    3. Wife does not take children to meet your parents. She is doing wrong here. Its your parents right to meet them and she is clearly taking advantage of the situation not living with
    you and your parents. But I dont know if you are biased or not, you didn't mention anything that your parents ever did to her which made her do this. Because many times, parents try to
    interfere with how the children are being taken care of and what they should eat or wear which fusses the actual mother. If this is the situation then ask you parents to stop and if its
    not then ask your wife to take them to meet at least once or twice a month.
    4. She does not message or talks to you good. That's wrong on her part again, you seem to be a loving husband but have you talked gently to her on why she is doing so. Ask her and talk
    to her, ask her if she has something in her heart that she thinks you did any wrong to her, may be this way you both will open up and share your concerns but please don't keep pressing
    her on serving and living with your parents. Keep parents aside and tell her that its your responsibility to provide her shelter and food while its hers to cooperate with you in this
    difficult time that you have to live separately and ask her live in the place you have provided instead of living with her sister and bil. Its her utmost responsibility to be
    emotionally available to you so you don't get into any sin, isn't that why Islam says that nikkah completes a mans half deen. because ideally husband and wife work together to support
    each other and keep each other away from the fire of hell. But this does not mean that if you do any sin only she will be accountable, you are equally responsible for keeping your nafs
    away from sins. so there is nothing like i did a sin because my wife was not available, Allah will not hold her accountable for your wrong deeds. She will only be accountable for not
    being emotionally helpful for her husband when he needed her which is not a bigger sin then a man doing zina.
    5. You think that your wife was ONLY created to obey your orders, you are so wrong. May be this thinking is the reason behind your wife not wanting to talk to you or sending you loving messages. Please meet someone more Islamic and reliable so they clear your mind on this. I being a woman can't convince you or the readers that you are wrong in this.
    Please try to discriminate Islam from culture. Being a Pakistani and victim of combined family system I know how difficult it is for wives to even fulfill basic responsibilities for their
    husband and children, only because culture adds in-laws to the married life. I pray that our coming generations find ways out of this curse of combined family system without being blamed
    for disobeying and separating from parents. Parents start exploiting their position in Islam, specially mothers. They start cursing the dil on taking away their sons and disobeying them.

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