Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will Allah (swt) ever help me find a good partner?

Muslim woman in hijab

Dear readers,

ASA, and thank you for taking the time to read my post. I wanted to share my personal experiences with you as I feel that I’m undergoing hardship after hardship when it comes to relationships. What I want to know is;

1) am I in the wrong?

2) what duas can I do to make my partner come back or make him realise what he has done wrong?

3) is there any duas/ibaada I can do to allow me to meet a good person sooner rather than later

To give you a brief background, my first ever serious relationship was when I was 19; He was from a non-Muslim background but at the time but he was ready to take on Islam and convert for me, hence as time went one we fell in love. He showed great interest in my faith, used to ask lots of questions and he even started to read the qur’an with me! After 5 wonderful years however, he lost a close family member which gravely affected his sanity, and despite promising me he would do nikah or get engaged, he refused and said ‘it’s too much, I am not a believer’. This shocked me beyond belief and I was devastated that I had invested so much time but I broke up with him immediately and thanked Allah swt for guiding me on the right path and not let me transgress. To this day I do not regret my decision.

I was so upset by the whole ordeal that I decided to change my focus and persue a career in medicine abroad; i purposely chose to settle in a Muslim country as i felt it would will not only bring me closer to faith, but also my culture too and perhaps I should give my own race a chance.

A year after living abroad I met a very nice guy who had good morals, was Muslim, and treated me with so much respect. He taught me about culture, I learnt so much faith from him and I became so happy. However as I got to know him I saw that when the discussion of marriage came up he seemed to get ‘cold feet’ and said things like ‘I can’t afford it right now’ and ‘I’m studying right now so it’s something I will think about when I’m financially stable’. Because this was the first couple of months of the relationship I didn’t think much of it as I too was studying and didn’t plan on getting married until the end of my degree, so I put it at the back of my mind and continued to persue the relationship.

A year passed and he started showing utmost sincerity; he would make an effort for birthdays, look after me, advise me when I needed him, contact me every night to talk and he eventually told me that he loved me and that I’m his soul mate and that he couldn’t have found a better partner than me. I was over the moon and told him I felt the same way.

Now two years had passed and I wanted things to start getting serious; even though he said he loved me I wanted to get some rock solid commitment especially since my last relationship ended so horrifically. Even though we did not commit Zinna, I was always afraid of going out for lunch with him incase a relative saw and informed my parents. I immediately told my parents I was seeing someone and they were happy and said that they would like to meet him ASAP. When I told my partner this, he immediately became SO APPREHENSIVE saying ‘why should I meet your mum, I met your siblings, isn’t that enough?’. What shocked me more is that after two years, despite me explaining that I couldn’t get married either but I wanted to legitimise our relationship so that our parents know what’s going on so we are not tempted of commuting zinna, he had no remorse or any sense of how important a woman’s honour is and again refused saying ‘I want a relationship with you, not your family’. Furthermore, I learned that he had not told any of his siblings, family or any of his friends about me which got me very concerned that maybe he was keeping me a secret.

Finally I got very irritated at his childish attitude and gave him an ultimatum saying that he either must honour me and my family and meet my parents if he is sincere, but if not, he should leave; to my surprise he chose to leave.

I’m so shocked as to how someone’s personality can change so much at a drop of a hat!! How could he say he loved me and wanted a future with me when he is not ready to meet my parents to respect MY HONOR?!

I’m so broken hearted as now I have wasted 7 years on failed relationships and am worried how this will Impact my future. Was I right I’m putting my foot down and asking him to be serious after 2 years? Will he ever realise what he did wrong and come back? If not, will my next partner not judge me based on my failed relationships?

Any advice would be appreciated, as now I am very depressed and need guidance and sabr from allah. Please if anyone has any advice/ feedback do let me know.

Jazak Allah

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3 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu.

    1. Of course you were wrong, my sister!

    Allah says in the Quran: "Do not even go near zina (fornication or adultery) for it is a very indecent thing and a very evil way!" (17:32)

    Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allaah is All‑Aware of what they do.

    And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts)” (Al-Noor 24:30-31)

    You're not even allowed to look at non-mahram men, my sister! So how can you talk to or give dawah to a non-mahram man, sister? You can only talk when it is absolutely necessary like in buying in selling and you can give dawah to non-mahram men only in the presence of a mehram.

    2) You don't wanna make dua for your partner to come back, sister, because he wasn't pious at all and he can do nothing good to you and your love for them was from the Shaytan!

    `Abdullah ibn `Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated, “One day I was riding behind the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), when he said,

    ".......Know that if the whole world were to gather together in order to help you, they would not be able to help you except if Allah had written so. And if the whole world were to gather together in order to harm you, they would not harm you except if Allah had written so....." (At-Tirmidhi)

    And leave it to the Shaytan to make him realise that he has done wrong!

    "3) is there any duas/ibaada I can do to allow me to meet a good person sooner rather than later?"

    Of course there are duas and deeds that you can do. And here's a beautiful one for you:

    Laa ilaaha illa Anta, subhaanaka inni kuntu min al-zaalimeen

    “There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers.”

    The Prophet (SallAllahu Alyhi wasallam) said about this Dua to his companions:

    “Shall I not tell you some words which, if distress or grief befalls any of you and he makes this du’aa, it will bring him joy? It is the du‘aa’ of Dhoo’l-Noon (i.e. Yunus or Jonah): ‘There is no god but You, Glory to You; verily I was one of the wrongdoers.’”
    (Saheeh al-Jaami‘, no. 2605).

    And for the deeds, you could start by perfecting your Salah and praying Sunnah salah and memorizing 3 lines of Quran every day.

    May peace and blessings of Allah be upon you, sister and let me know if you have any questions, okay? Take care, bye.

  2. rubyorchidae: I'll try to be short and simple. There is a reason why Islam bans these relationships. You love someone. Go to him/her, confess your love, and if they reciprocate, ask the contact number of their parents or mahrams. Make it legal right from the word go. Keep the parents in loop so that no zina is committed and no emotional relationship is built which is absolutely haram. Yes, meet not just twice or thrice. Meet 10 times to get to know each other but it should always be in the presence of mahrams or at a place and time sanctioned by mahrams.

    What has failed relationships given you? Dejection and depression. Just remember that most of us males are driven by physical attraction. There is a reason why the term f*ckboys exist. Testosterone-driven men are taken aback by responsibilities. In their teens and early 20s, they just want a female partner to have sex with until they are in a position to get married so 70-95% of university relationships fail. And the blame lies with males most of the times. I don't say that women do not have high sexual libidos, desires and urges. In fact, according to some researches, their desires are more powerful. But they have the ability to control them and if they are not slutty, they would rarely have sex with someone with whom they are not involved emotionally. With boys and men, it doesn't work out like this. We are attracted by physical features and although we do love and have emotions, our biggest weakness are attractive females and their bodies. Unfortunately, the psyche of men is designed in such a way that we are aroused by females and their bodies more than their character and integrity. That is why Islam has restrictions on the way women can dress. Yes, dress up and look good but never let go of modesty. There is no point in wearing revealing, scanty and suggestive clothes. All you would get is playboys and irresponsible men who would leave you after getting their quota of intimate steamy sessions.

    Now, the takeaway for you from all of this is STOP GETTING INVOLVED INTO RELATIONSHIPS. You wont find honorable and gentle men this way. If you are looking to get married, ask your parents to start looking for you. Start spreading the word among your family, friends, acquaintances et al. Take it through the proper route and you would find someone mature enough whom you wont have to beg to stay in relationship! I hope my advice will not follow on deaf ears. Also, start dressing modestly if you don't. And stop talking to unrelated males if you don't have an emergency.

  3. can my post please be published? I waiting for a long time. I really need advice and help

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