Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will angels curse me if I refuse my husband oral / anal sex?

I got married recently. My husband takes pleasure in doing oral / anal sex and has told me that it gives him more pleasure than normal sex.

I don't like both these acts and have made it clear to him but still give in to my husband's pressure as he is constantly nagging me to do it. Anyhow, today he asked me to perform oral sex on him which I refused because I was not in the mood.

Now, he is angry with me and not talking to me. I am worried would it cause the angels to curse me as I have refused him intimacy? or does it apply to normal sex only?

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20 Responses »

  1. No sister. In Islam its totally prohibited to have anal sex and I read that Prophet Muhammad saw cursed the person who performs anal sex (authentication don't know) so you are obeying Allah swt command.,regarding oral sex many scholars clearly said its Haram to have a oral sex there is indirectly verses and hadees which prohibits oral sex and you take Name of Allah swt so how could anyone have oral sex.
    So cursing of angels of course it is for normal sex anal is prohibited
    Allah swt knows best

  2. Anal sex is not allowed. Look this person is going tells me his Iman is weak because good practice muslima who have taqwa dont do these things.this the truth...there mind are clean ...not have every right to speak and say this is not right...having intercourse the right way which is permitted....but having and using the word sex is like your an animal .You are being treated like a sex object
    .That's not love nor respect....Tell him to stop watching bad stuff on his can refuse because you are obeying what prophet Muhammad cursed...this not to be taken lightly

  3. Dear Sister: First of all, anal sex is haram. If your husband only enjoys anal sex and oral sex, that is a red flag, a warning. Men who strongly prefer anal sex and oral sex -- and not like having vaginal sex -- may actually be gay. Most heterosexual men enjoy having vaginal sex with a woman and may even have a sense of personal pride that they can satisfy the woman they love this way. This is a part of being a married person. that the person you are married to is sexually satisfied with you.

    The Prophet did not limit religious instruction to ibadah - worship. His Sunnah covers how we should eat, sleep, conduct business as well as how to be intimate with our spouses. He strongly urged men not to be brutes or insensitive to their wives' feelings and sexual preferences. He told men to speak to their wives in a pleasant manner, to even play or flirt with their wives when they wanted to have sex with them and definitely not to approach their wives like animals. As I said, most men want their wives to desire them. And most intelligent adults know that good behavior, conversation and atmosphere can promote those feelings, not bullying them. There are actually differences of opinion whether oral sex is permissible, but the basic understanding is that no one should be forced to perform a sexual act they are not comfortable doing and oral sex is definitely one of them. Forcing your partner to do something sexual can possibly ruin a marriage. Husbands and wives both have to respect their spouse's sexuality, abilities and libido. Your husband, who is behaving like a 6 year old has failed to do this. You have no obligation to have oral sex with him and should not have anal sex with him. By the way, the anus is NOT a sexual organ.

    The reference about a woman refusing her husband sexually and then the angels cursing her is not a black and white matter, meaning there is a lot of conditions to take into consideration. If the wife is not feeling well, is physically exhausted, is menstruating, is fasting for example her health comes first and she has every right to refuse her husband and not be cursed by the angels. If the husband has been unkind, verbally abusive or even the reverse -- giving his wife the silent treatment -- she has every right not to respond to his demands. Quran supercedes Hadith. Quran states that husbands are the protectors of their wives, not sexual bullies. Wives are not machines, Stepford Wives, or sex toys. Any person who read about Women in Islam will always see a reference of how women are respected, that Muslim women should be treated with kindess and regarded as jewels. Forcing a wife to have sex contradicts this concept completely.

    I am not going to be one of those people who tell the hurt and offended wife to pray or be patient with an insensitive, selfish husband. I am going to be very honest and up front with you. Be clear and firm with your husband that he has obligations to you to be kind and loving and bullying you into haram sex is not being kind and loving. Personally, he is a bit of jerk who is probably gay. Sorry, but preferring only oral and anal sex and not wanting vagina sex is what gay men do. I am still trying to figure out how a Muslim man who probably insisted on marrying a virginal woman already knows this preference. What was he doing before he married you?

    • Men who strongly prefer anal sex and oral sex -- and not like having vaginal sex -- may actually be gay.

      That's a ridiculous, false and non-scientifically proven statement. It's one thing to be personally against homosexuality, it's another thing to spread blatant lies about human sexuality to promote your own agenda, opinions and beliefs. It's not right. How dare you accuse someone else's husband of being a homosexual? That's a very serious allegation, Ma'am. One you do not make lightly - it could actually destroy someone's marriage. Unnecessarily.

      A man is NOT homosexual just because he might enjoy penetrating his WIFE (a WOMAN) anally. there is a vast difference between desiring a woman's behind and a man's - just because you like the behind of one gender, doesn't mean you like the behind of your own gender, too. Some men grow breasts as well, due to hormone imbalances...does that mean men that love women's breasts also desire man boobies? No, because there is a difference between seeing boobs on a woman and on a man.

      When it comes down to it, people have different fetishes, and a person cannot necessarily help it if they are attracted to women's behind. In fact, there are very logical reasons as to why a HETEROSEXUAL man might be attracted to a woman's behind. Men love curves, and they love looking at them. It's not abnormal, is it? Women's curves are not exclusively focused on their breasts, but their entire shape; So their waist, hips, thighs and behind...

      Whether or not you religiously agree with anal sex, it's not helping anyone to deny the fact that some people are into it. And how do you deal with that when that person is your spouse? It's NOT helpful to give people the idea that their spouse is abnormal, a sinner or a closeted homosexual for enjoying anal sex- that's just making matters worse. My suggestion is that OP and her husband have an open and candid conversation about anal sex, and, together, look into what their options are. There are surely a solution that will satisfy both the husband's needs and make the wife comfortable. I would love to give suggestions, but this place is probably too conservative for actual and practical detailed suggestions. I'll just say that the internet is your friend, and you can find a lot of iuseful nformation on it :).

      • Lindita ,

        I think still you can give your suggestion as it is just another knowledge .
        I think what you meant is desiring /playing with woman's behind is normal but not the actual penetration .I think fetish about big behind is not uncommon if i understand you correctly .
        I want to know Do women enjoy this(from behind) or its painful for them (consensual)? I know we should not do but just for my knowledge .
        I don't want to search in the net about playing with women's behind as it will open some dirty sites .

        • No, I meant to say that some men get turned on by anally penetrating their wife. Just like a lot of men enjoy oral sex. If the ear holes and nostrils were big enough I'm sure men would be into penetrating those, too. As I said, we all have different fetishes and it's okay if we don't understand each other's fetishes. But let's not brand each other as weird deviants for our preferences. Unless, of course, we're talking about abuse, rape and pedophilia - all of which are illegal. At least in my part of the world.

          In the end of the day, all that matters is that you are sexually compatible with your spouse, not if you are sexually compatible with society. In this case, the married couple are not on the same page: He wants to be able to enjoy anal sex, she's not having it. So it's a problem. PERSONALLY, it's not my religious belief that anal sex is wrong. My scholar doesn't exactly encourage it, but he concludes that it's not haram either if the wife consents to it. Logically, that makes sense to me. And to me, Islam should make sense. I don't see why a married couple, that BOTH want to engage in anal sex, shouldn't be allowed to do so. Why should they have to feel sexually deprived and restricted? Don't people get married to NOT feel sexually deprived and restricted? Anyway, I know I'm a minority with this belief, and as I said, no one has to agree with me. But I thought I'd offer another view on this matter. You can choose to look more into it, or not. Doesn't matter 🙂

          IF a person strongly believes anal sex is absolutely haram...that's fine, but telling someone that wants to have anal sex that it's's not going to stop them from desiring that type of sex. So, my suggestion would be to find a middle ground. Playing and experimenting with positions is a good start. There are lots of books that visually show you what kind of positions you can have fun with from behind, but with vaginal penetration (and not with actual humans as models, but with wooden dolls or drawings). That could be an alternative. The man can also do anything he wants with his wife's behind, BUT penetration. I know that's more than enough for a lot of guys. There are many options, but it's really just about being a bit creative and try things out.

          As for your other question...yes, some women do enjoy anal sex while others do not. Women don't all prefer the same things. Also, yes, some women do find it extremely painful while others find it enjoyable. It all depends. Most people probably don't know how to properly have anal sex...because it requires a bit of preparation, you just don't go all in immediately. But as I said, anyone can read more about it if they search for the information online. Yes, some sites are porn sites, but it's easy to tell which sites are pornographic, and which are not. Also, there is always the library if you are worried about entering sites you don't want to enter 🙂

          • Lindita ,

            Thanks for your view point but i think as there are strong proof in our religious scripts not to do it so obviously people will say its haraam .
            I can take your view in this way though this desire might be normal but acting on it might not be a good practice as per our religion .Like for example getting tempted by looking at beautiful attractive woman might be a normal desire but going further to touch or have sex will be sinful .
            So yes he might not be a gay as some people might get turned on by this fantasy but yes again as per religion its haraam .

            I think there are pros and cons of adding spice to your sex life .It should not be too much also .
            I was reading one question about dirty fantasies in the same website where a wife says her husband enjoyes imagining her to be with other man as it turns ON both ..and there were different comments for that topic so overall i feel it should be in controlled manner else it will cross limits .
            I make sure not to search such information in google at home as i said it takes you to dirty sites and you might loose focus and rather looking at your real question you might end up spending time at looking at those tempting stuff .So i guess these forums are good to discuss in controlled manner .

          • Whether or not the proofs against anal sex are strong, is, in the end of the day, a matter of interpretation and opinion...and what sources you deem to be reliable. But I will agree that there are limits as to what you can allow yourself to sexually do, or ask of your spouse to do with you. I'm not saying there should be no limits in a marriage...some things are clearly absolutely haram, so you need to stay away from those things.

            As I said, if you are worried about stumbling upon porngraphic sites, there is always the library 😀

          • Which library ?

        • Any library. Your local public library. There should be a Human Health, Psychology and Sexuality section 🙂

        • Hi, it looks like your husband has been watching too many porn and wants to act out in real life. It's ot nature Al I agree and completely forbidden in our religion, look speak to him and see if you can come to a Co nclusion. One has to be strong in wanting their needs to be fulfilled. Anal sen looks or sound funs but not for many peopel and it's only a fantasy for some men however appealing it may look. On the oral sex I think it's OK as long as its both the spouses doing each other and not only the husband as that is unfair to the lady.
          Hope you can speak to him and come to a Conclusion but it seems liked from your somment you already had anal sex? If you did best stop even if he gears angry as his demands are too much. Take car

  4. as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

    SubhanAllah, it's very sad to read your question dear sister.

    Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala and His Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam are not shy to tell us about any aspects of our religion...
    and thus, Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala tells the believers in the Qur'aan...

    Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will, and send (good deeds, or ask Allah to bestow upon you pious offspring) before you for your ownselves. And fear Allah, and know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give good tidings to the believers (O Muhammad SAW).

    [Qur'aan, al-Baqarah, 223]

    Secondly, anal sex is considered a major sin in Islam, so much so that the person who does so is not considered a Muslim...

    The Prophet sallallau 'alayhi wassallam said:
    "The one who has intercourse with a menstruating woman, or with a woman in her rectum, or who goes to a fortune-teller, has disbelieved in what was revealed to Muhammad."
    [ Reported by al-Tirmidhi, no. 1/135]

    In another sahih (authentic) hadith:
    "He has nothing to do with has been revealed to the Messenger" (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam)
    [Reported in Sunan abi Dawud, 3904]

    And our Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam also mentioned...
    "Cursed is the one who approaches his wife in her rectum"
    [Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 2/479; see also Saheeh al-Jaami', 5865]

    Ibn ‘Abbaas narrated:
    The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
    "Allaah will not look at a man who has intercourse with his wife in her anus."
    [Narrated by Ibn Abi Shaybah, 3/529; narrated and classed as saheeh by al-Tirmidhi, 1165]

    With regards to oral sex, there is a difference of opinion on this, but some good shuyookh have mentioned that it is like imitating the unbelievers - and people have started doing this due to sickness that they see on TV and Internet.

    Regardless, your husband should take your feelings into consideration, and he shouldn't be selfish.

    Take care - fi-amanAllah,
    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  5. Dear Rose,

    Well said, well said. I wish more Muslim thinks and talks like you. I agree totally what you said. It is not black and white about refusing to have sex with your husband. Sex is a mutual act and that involves emotion and respect. Imagine a man just think having sex is his right and does not care about his wife's feeling or health status. Even worse, some Muslim men will justify the reason that men should have 4 wives to rotate and entertain him when one is not "obey" or respond to his sexual demand. Sister, know your right. No anal sex, if you feel oral sex is not for you, tell him. Be honest with how you feel. It also takes time for you and him to find out the best for both of you. It is give and take. If he is forcing himself, it is called inconsiderate and selfishness. Don't just dwell on to one of the saying. A kind and gentle husband should know how to please the woman and vice versa.

    • Unless it's haraam such as anal sex or if she has a medical, a woman is SUPPOSED to respond to her husband's sexual demands. Not only does it say in the Quran but it also says in Hadith. I'm sure you're going to try to argue against it but that's just how it is.

      • Brother, sexual "demands" work both ways. You seem to think sex is only a need of the husband. Women enjoy, demand and have sexual needs too. They have hormones and desires too. They too want to be satisfied and attended to in bed by their husband. A husband is also SUPPOSED to respond to his wife's needs.

        In Islam both husbands and wives have mutual rights over each other including sexual rights. Something doesn't have to be outright haram to be refused. There is difference of opinion among scholars on oral sex. So by refusing it you are neither going against Islam nor disobeying Allah or being sinful.

        However, sexual intercourse (vaginal) is a natural thing, unanimously allowed and can rightfully be demanded by BOTH. Basic conjugal rights. But oral sex is an innovation with no mention in the Sunnah or Qur'an and therefore not a right. The same applies to any other sexual fetish. You can ask for it but if your spouse is not comfortable, then you can't demand it under guise of it being your right.

        Also remember oral sex works both ways. You can look up cunnilingus. Most Muslim husbands won't do oral sex on their wives and view it as disgusting despite the pleasure it brings the wife, but such husbands have no issue demanding it from the wives. Should the wives also demand husbands do it because it is not specifically haram? Many muslim wives just don't feel comfortable performing oral sex and dislike it, and rightly have the right to refuse it. It's not rocket science.

        Sex is based on mutual understanding, trust and gratification. Be careful with not making demands of sex into a black and white thing. Read sister Rose's reply and also understand that if you have to demand things and force your wife then that is not a great marriage to begin with. You want you wife to willingly want to have sex with you and be into it.

        Women are said to be emotional. That's why the sunnah and Qur'an tells husbands to be kind and understanding and foreplay is mandated when approaching wives for sex and ensure she is satisfied too, of he finishes first. So sex is enjoyment for both the husband and the wife and not a one way street as you seem to convey. Respect a NO when your wife does not feel comfortable doing certain things and find something you can both enjoy.

        So no, it is not just how you think it is.

  6. If someone manages to drink form nose, it can be called a stunt, but the nose isn't to drink water from, and everybody shouldn't do that..

    This is the same case with every organ God created.

    If a women manages to pleasure his husband from anal sex, it can be considered a "stunt", not a natural way of pleasure.

    Sex is mutual, and for satisfaction of both parties. Anal sex isn't enjoyable , its plain ful, its required lots of practice, multiple painful attempts and it is all to satisfy the fetish of man only.. It can be desired for men, but not for the women.

    Religion prohibits it.. it's simply harram, and we have example of Qoam-Loot which was destroyed because of homosexuality and similar business.

  7. Anal is absolutely haram. Oral is absolutely not haram. he should not pressure you to do any of them but you should try doing something for him to take away these urges, like dressing nicer or dancing for him or doing something more exciting.

  8. sorry to interrupt...

    • Khadira, I am not willing to publish your post as I feel it's not appropriate for our website. But I have answered your question within your post itself, as part of the draft. So please check it there.

      Wael Editor

  9. assalamu aleykum.

    just wanted to add about oral sex.
    There are indeed different opinions from different scholars.
    As far as I have learned there is no direct prohibition, so in principle it should be permissible to do this.

    Now there is a widespread opinion among saudi clerics and sheykhs and those mostly influenced by them, that oral sex is haram.
    This opinion goes back to an influential man called Al-Albani.
    However his arguments are not convincing at all and he gives no direct proof, it is more of a personal opinion. while Al-albani is certainly a good man we have to realize that he was also influenced by his time.
    He was islamically very active when hardrock and hippy culture with their long hair and "sexual freedom" was very influential among young people. So it is very likely that this is the main reason why he is against oral sex, since he perceived it as something that those non-believer hippies do, and he was adamant to urge the muslims to be different from those "westerners".
    the same applies to the long hair for men: the prophet, sallalahu aleyhi wasalam, and many people of the sahaba are clearly described as having long hair, and there is at least one famous hadith where the prophet, peace be upon him, tells us (boys and men) to either grow the hair long or shave it completely as alternative.
    Nevertheless al-albani tells us not to grow the hair long in clear violation of the sunnah! he justifies this with the claim that only the "westerners" do this nowadays.
    Of course his reasoning in those regards is absurd and I hope those two examples showed you that sometimes even good scholars can be overcome by their emotions and false interpretation of reality.

    Those sheikhs who claim oral sex is haram are more often than not influenced by albani.
    They also contradict themselves. One says: it's haram because the animals do it. another one says: it's haram because Not Even the animals do it.... or your mouth would become filthy...
    So those are clearly their own opinions and I would not consider that proof of oral sex being haram.

    Then the second opinion is of course that oral sex is permissible as long as you don't swallow the fluids that come out of the vagina or the male organ. If it's just a little fluid that cannot be prevented, because people are full of fluids and you inevitably come in contact with it.

    In conclusion: Oral sex is not wrong. You will not become an animal.
    I, and many scholars outside of saudi arabia, and many many conservative sheikhs say that oral sex is permissible.
    And I base my opinion on the ruling of several scholars and sheikhs I have heard talking about this.

    By the way, usually a woman gets most satisfaction by stimulating "the little thing"(clitoris) over the entrance of the vagina, either by stimulation with the fingers or with the tongue.
    If a man would do this to his wife... she would definitely like him much much more.

    Concerning anal sex: it is haram. And there is no difference in opinion among any famous scholar since there is direct proof that it is haram.

    May you enjoy your marriage, have mercy,

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